The Bionic Woman (1976–1978): Season 3, Episode 21 - Rancho Outcast - full transcript

We want you to assume the identity
of a real criminal.

But I am not going to go
on a dangerous mission

with somebody by the name
of Petie the Weasel.

Yeah, Buenos Aires.
Forget it, bub.

This is a private road,
señorita.

JAIME: Not exactly the Beverly Hills Hotel,
is it?

Don't let appearances fool you.

Well, it's very comforting
to know that we're so safe.

A dancer?

If she doesn't dance,
you are a dead man.

Don't let her get away.



(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

(DOG BARKING)

OSCAR: Down, Max. - Come on. Get down.
JAIME: He likes you.

Yes, yes.
Oh, I love you too, pal.

But get down now.
You stay. Come on, stay.

He likes you.
Well, I like him too, Jaime,

but I just don't want his tongue all over my face.
That's all.

This mission isn't starting off very well.

Go on, get on the couch. Go on.

I don't know how to tell you this, Jaime,
so I'm not going to try.

This is your next assignment.

What am I doing on a wanted poster?

We want you to assume the identity
of a real criminal.

Now, the real Blondie Malone is safely tucked away
in a maximum security prison.



That's as respectable
a reputation as you can get,

considering where you're going.

And where might that be?

The town of Hidalgo, in the country
of San Rafael.

A notorious refuge for criminals, extortionists,
murderers, gangsters.

In fact, the place is full of nothing else.

So, in order to make the guest list of Hidalgo,

you have to make the Ten Most Wanted List
here first?

Guess so.

I think I'm going to need a little more
information before I commit to this one.

This, which is practically nothing,

is all we have on a master criminal
called Frank Boylin.

Two weeks ago, he pulled off one of the biggest
robberies in criminal history.

Somehow, he got into the US. Mint and stole the
engraving plates of our $100 bill.

Now what we have to do
is get those plates back

before he peddles them
to an unfriendly power

who'll probably use them
to attack our currency.

And you think he's gone to Hidalgo

and you want me to follow him in there.

Right.
Wrong.

Listen, you've got plenty of men who can
handle this job. Why are you sending me?

I sent two of my agents
into Hidalgo.

I haven't heard from them since.

Oh, swell.

And besides, one of the few things we know
about Frank Boylin

is that he has a great
fondness for beautiful ladies.

And since you're the most
beautiful lady in the O.S.I....

You think all this flattery is going to get me
to go, don't you?

Yes, how'd you know?
Yeah, I probably will.

Okay. How am I going to recognize
this gentleman?

You won't have to.

Send in the Weasel.

The what?
We call him the Weasel.

His real name is Petie Regan.

Petie.

Hello, Petie.
Hi, Mr. Goldman.

Hey, big fella.

(DOG GROWLS)

Petie, I'd like you to meet Jaime SOMMERS.

How do you do?

Petie is the only one we know who recognizes
Frank Boylin on sight.

That's right.

Frankie and me did the first security armored car
job in Philly. It was 1973.

Then the fink splits with my cut.

Petie is helping us out of self-interest.

I've arranged for parole
for him at State Prison.

If you don't bring Frank back, back to
prison you go.

Well, you don't want to do that, Mr. Goldman. I
wouldn't last a week. They'll kill me.

Does that have anything to do
with your nickname... Weasel?

Well, yeah...
I get along with everybody.

When the guys see me talking to the warden
or some of the guards,

you know... I don't know... They figured I was
stooling on them.

You know, stir does a paranoid trip
to their minds.

(STAMMERING)
Uh, no offense, Mr. Weasel,

but I am not going to go
on a dangerous mission

with somebody by the name
of Petie the Weasel.

Please get me someone else.

Lady, please.
Jaime, give me the break.

You'll never regret it.

Okay.

PETIE: How much money did Goldman give you
for the flash roll?

JAIME: $7500.

Great. I got an idea.
Hidalgo's a high rent area.

Hey listen, you better
let me carry it.

Not a chance,
Mr. Weasel.

I wish you wouldn't say my name like that.

And that was in '68.

But I've got to admit the smoothest job
I ever pulled

was the one with Boylin.
What a team we were.

How long has it been
since you've seen Boylin?

About four years. Hey, don't worry.
I never forget a face.

I hope not.

This had better be the last plane, Petie,

because, I'm not going to fly in anything smaller
than this, okay?

Well, it is the last one. Look, stop complaining,
will you?

Once we get to San Rafael
I'll get us a limousine.

So this is the limousine, huh?

Well yeah. Compared to
a couple mules.

Aren't you ever happy, SOMMERS?

Petie, I still don't know why I have to wear
this ridiculous outfit.

Because your first cover's
a down-at-the-heels dancer

I picked up in some flea-bitten lounge
on the coast

where you were lucky
to find work.

Honey, you're coming
with me for a better life.

To Hidalgo?

You should've seen the place I found you.

Now listen, Jaime,
we're playing my game,

so please be smart enough
to play it my way.

I suppose you want me
to smile at you a lot, too?

Very lovingly.
Now, get your act together.

Hey, look.
I can handle my act, okay?

You handle your act... What are you
so headstrong for?

You can...
Listen will you please...

Watch where you're going.

You see what you've done with your
constant bellyaching?

Crab, crab, crab.

Well, it's no good.

Just pull out and attach it
to something on the bank.

Well, why don't you do it?
I can drive.

I'm the one that's in danger.

Honey, there's a lot of flash floods in
these tropical zones.

Please, please, just come on,
hurry up, will you?

You just... it's very simple. You just pull it out
as I unreel it.

Yuck. I don't believe this.

Petie, there's nothing
to tie it to here.

Tie it to a tree stump.

Alright?

Okay?

Here goes.

Hold on.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

JAIME: You want out,
fella, you got it.

Boy, that's really a high-speed winch.

Yeah, it's strange for an old jeep, isn't it?

Come on, get in. Get in.

You've caused me enough trouble already.

Petie, how long before
we get to Hidalgo?

Never, if you keep making problems.

Alto, señor... Por favor.

Maybe you'd better stop, huh?

I'll handle it. I'm not giving
this creep any ride.

I don't think he's going to like that.

Senor. Hey stop...

Yeah, well what's he gonna do about it.

(GUNSHOTS)

(GUNSHOT)

(GUNSHOT)

And now that I have your attention, señor...

Are you headed for Hidalgo?

Si.
No.

It is a little of both, señor.

This is a private road,
señorita.

It only goes to Hidalgo, and strangers are not
welcome there.

Listen, fella.
You're in big trouble.

We don't think your boss would appreciate his
guests being treated in this way.

Get in the back.
I will drive.

Not my jeep you don't.

This revolutionary groupie wouldn't
talk that way if he didn't have his hardware.

If that's the way you want it, amigo.

I think you'd better
humor this person.

Lucky for him you talked me
out of taking him apart.

Aren't you forgetting
something, my friend?

This jeep ain't going to go
too far on four flat tires.

It's no problem.

Well, he said it was no problem.

And you'd better turn.

Don't tell me how to steer, SOMMERS.

Come on.
And there is a problem.

We don't have four spares
for our getaway car.

At least the hotel doesn't look too bad.

Are you kidding?
It could be worse.

PETIE: Don't stop.
- Stop you dumb ox!

There's the hotel.
And that will be $20.

For what?
Towing you into town.

You think I work for nothing, señor?

But you shot out my tires.

Pay him.
I will not.

Aye Chihuahua!

Pay him. Pay him.

Gracias, señor.
You're too kind.

Modesto...

You forgot your ox.

Probably stole them anyway.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

I'd just about had it with him.

Anymore static and I'd have
taken his head off.

Go on home, Bossy.

You better let me carry the big money.

Hey, hey come on.
It's fine right where it is.

I just wanna see it. Get out of there. It's fine
right where it is.

I'd just like to see it.
No.

Boy, you really are a case.

Listen, just play that Spanish dancer
bit to the hilt,

until I give them the Blondie Malone twist.

Then you flash the mug shot for proof.
You got it?

Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, I'm so crazy about you, you know.

You're just so mucho macho.

Not exactly the Beverly
Hills Hotel, is it?

JAIME:
You see Boylin anywhere?

No. He's probably in his room.

Buenas tardes, señor.

Uh, I'd like a room for myself
and my lady friend.

Well, I think that can be arranged.

Will you be staying long?

Oh, a few weeks.
We're on vacation.

Well, aren't we all, señorita?

Well, I have a nice room available
on the second floor.

That's cash in advance.

I don't take credit cards, naturally.

Naturally.
How much is it, please?

That will be $1000 a week.

American Plan.

A $1000 a week?

Yes. Well, my customers
like this location.

You see, we're located
where there is no extradition.

That will be in cash,
or stocks, bonds,

negotiable securities,
jewelry, works of art.

My discount is a very fair
50% of face value.

See if Boylin signed the registry.

There's your key.

You don't want us to sign the register now?

I gave it up as an exercise
in futility sometime ago.

Nobody ever signs their real name.

Of course, you might like
to give me yours?

Friend, have you ever
heard of Blondie Malone?

I know Blondie. She was here just
a few years ago.

Why do you ask?
Just wondering.

What's she doing now?

Who knows. Who knows.

I was thinking if she was going to be here, that I
could meet her and say, "Hi."

But you know, we can... We can make friends with
the other people here, no?

Why do you want to do that?

Well, if we're going to be spending
a lot of time together,

it'd be nice to be good neighbors.

My guests consider "good morning"
along conversation.

They like their privacy and I would suggest
you respect theirs.

Sure. Okay.

Would you like me to put this
in the hotel safe?

Oh, we take care of all valuables.

Oh now, don't let appearances fool you.

Nobody has ever stolen
anything from that safe.

They have tried,
but I take a very dim view

of anybody who would try to steal anything
from my customers.

Well, it's very comforting
to know that we're so safe.

Come, my little whistle.

Will you stop that?

I have an infallible instinct for spotting
police persons.

The hair stands up on the back of my neck.

It's rising now and if it rises
any higher,

kill them both.

Nice, huh?
Look at this.

Looks like I'm married to all this material
till we leave here, huh?

I don't know.
These people scare me.

They'd as soon kill us
as look at us.

Probably sooner.

I don't know. Come on,
I'm being negative now.

We'll probably find this
Boylin guy right away

and we can get those plates
and get out of here, huh?

Well, he'll probably come down at dinner
and I'll spot him there.

Mean time, why don't you clean up while I go get
the luggage out of the jeep.

All right?
Plan A down the tubes.

SOMMERS, about the flash roll.

You're sure that there's
nothing funny about it?

Funny?
You know, queer?

It wouldn't be the first time the
government's sent somebody in with counterfeit

and them not knowing it.
You know what I mean?

Petie, you know what?

There ain't no way you're getting your hands
on that money

to see it, or feel it, smell it, touch it.
No way. Nada. Okay?

You go down to the jeep,
get the things,

and I will clean up.
As you so graciously offered.

I was just testing to see if I could trust you.
You scored zip.

Zip.

Zip.

Oh, my.

My jeep is gone.

My jeep is gone.

Really?

Well, now, it must've
been stolen.

There's a high rate of crime around here.

Tell me, was it insured?

What do you mean,
was it insured?

It was parked right here
a couple of minutes ago.

Okay, hold still you jeep.

What's he doing?
That's my jeep.

"T."

Now, I'd make very, very sure before I accused
the One-Eyed-One of stealing.

He has a knife and a temper as fast
as a snake's tongue

and twice as deadly.

Now tell me, all jeeps look alike. Are you sure
that jeep is yours?

Yeah, I know.
Yeah, you're right.

I don't think it looks
anything at all like my jeep.

Mine didn't have any writing on it.

Oh, I'm glad.
Poor fellow.

He hasn't been able to pay his rent in months.

He has to take any job he can get.

"Taxi." Now "I" or "E"?

Looks like he just went
into the taxi business.

Seems so.

Don't move. "I."

Aye Chihuahua!

No, just a minute. You stupid jeep,
I'll kill you!

Whoa...
Hey, One-Eyed, hold it.

Put those away like a good... No, no, no.

Put those away like a good...

Don't point that at me.
One-Eyed...

One-Eyed, put that away.
In there. There.

There we are. Now...

Now, the printing is fine!

Besides, nobody in this town
can read English.

ONE-EYED-ONE:
Are you sure?

Yes, now you put your
taxi back together again.

By the way, congratulations.
We're partners. Fifty-fifty.

(EXCLAIMS)
Sorry, SOMMERS.

That little weasel is running out on me.
I don't believe this.

Time is of the essence.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

(BEEPING)
No, not now, Oscar. Come on.

Yeah, hi.

Jaime, there's been a new development.

Oscar, I'll have to call you back on it, okay?

No, no, no. It can't wait.
Our man on the coast tells us

that two enemy agents have landed in San Rafael
and are heading toward Hidalgo.

Now that means that we have
certain information

that these two agents
intend to contact Boylin

and buy the currency plates from him.

Here in Hidalgo?
That's right.

Down, Max. At least we know
that Boylin is there.

Now, how are things going
with you and Petie?

Petie is going as fast as he can and I'll let you
know where as soon as I find out.

Good. Good luck. Yeah.

No. I love you too, Max, but listen, I've got
work to do.

I can't pet you all daylong, huh?

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

Well, well, well. Where might you be going,
Petie?

And don't tell me I'm being paranoid.

Alright, SOMMERS.
This operation is a bust.

Even a smooth operator
like me can't make out

against some maniac with a steak knife.

They're not my favorite people either, Petie,
but we've got to try.

Now, Oscar says there's some foreign agents coming
here to make a deal with Boylin.

All you have to do is point him out and we can
grab those plates and be gone.

I never seen Boylin in my life.

What?

Look, I'm sorry. You would've found out
sooner or later.

Well, I heard of him, but so has everybody
else in the joint.

He's some sort of a cult hero in same circles.

When the grapevine says
the OS! is interested in him

then I... I used this
scam to get parole.

You mean, you have made up all of this stuff
about working with him?

They were going to kill me.

Oh, so you were just waiting for the minute
when you could grab my money and split, huh?

No, no, no. I was planning
on staying here.

Well that's even better.

You were going to get in tight with them
by telling them who I was.

No. I wouldn't have if you'd shown me
a little affection.

Oh, come on.
Please, please.

If you run out on me, Oscar will not rest
until he catches you,

however, if you stay and help me,

he will stand behind his deal
for your parole.

Now what do you say?

Gee, I don't know.
You know.

I want your word, Petie.

My word?
That ain't worth nothing.

Why do you think they
call me the Weasel for?

I don't care.
I want it anyway.

This much I'll do.

Stay until we somehow
spot Boylin, okay?

Okay.

Or until we can... Until I can steal back
my jeep.

Which ever comes first.
All right?

Fine.

Fine.

You're crazy. You know that?

That's my problem.

My word.
Boy, you really are crazy.

Are your neck hairs high enough yet for me to
start forming a firing squad?

Just about.

Order them shot if they try and leave again.

Margarita.

Dos.

That's one for him and two for you.

Do you think that man could be Boylin?

(SCOFFING)
He could be anybody.

There's got to be some way
we can tell which one he is.

Hi.

Welcome to the jail.

The jail?

Yeah. That's what this place is.

We're worse prisoners here
than we'd be back home.

We're all serving indefinite sentences,
with no time off for good behavior.

Do you mean you cannot
leave this place if you want?

Yeah. We could all leave. We don't have any
place to go anymore.

Maybe you'll be lucky and won't pass
the reception committee.

Reception committee?

Que?

There's one for him and two for you.

Two for me.

Gracias,

Ah, you were saying?

About what?
The reception committee.

Um, yeah.

Gustave's paranoid about police spies.

They send them in here
sometimes to check up on us.

Gustave always trips them up.

He'll probably question
you both after dinner.

Well, we got nothing to hide.

If you’ve got nothing to hide, what are you
doing in Hidalgo?

Baby, shall we go up
and freshen up before dinner?

I think you are fresh enough.

No doubt about it.
Is it him?

I wish I knew what they were saying.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

GUSTAVE: No. He's got all the habits
of a man who's served time.

She's the one that doesn't ring quite true.

There's nothing of the criminal about her.

She's a police spy.

I'm sure of that.

They're on to us, Petie.
How do you know?

I heard Gustave talking.

How could you hear them
when I couldn't?

It doesn't matter.
He thinks I'm a police spy.

What'd he say about me?
He thinks you're all right.

Gee, he ain't such a bad judge
of character after all.

Petie come on.
We've got a problem here.

What do you mean, "we"?
You've got the problem.

You gave me your word.

Are you going to start with that again?
Well, just forget it.

Petie, they're... They're not going to forgive you
for bringing me here, you know?

You're in this as deep as I am.

Well, I'm not going to wait
around for forgiveness. I'm out.

Oh, come on.
Forget it, SOMMERS.

Hi.

We're surrounded by guards.

I guess I bought the farm, too.

Alright, look, uh...

We're not going to sit around and wait for this.

You go down and talk to Gustave and I'm going
to search the other rooms.

Okay? Come on.

You gentlemen have no other luggage?

It was a sudden trip.

Well, that's quite all right. Quite a few of my
guests arrive on short notice.

How long will you be staying?

Just for the night.

Well, that's very unusual.

It is?

Ah... Good...

Ah, we have a very nice room for you.

Lovely view of the town square.

Here's the key.
One-Eye!

Show these gentlemen to their room, please.

This is your room.

Bring us two margaritas.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

MAN 1: I hope Boylin contacts us quickly.

MAN 2:
Don't worry, my friend.

Five million dollars is a great deal of money
for a freelance thief.

Buenos Dias.

What're you doing in my room?

Well...

Trying to steal the few things
I've got left, huh?

You know what Gustave'll
do to you for this?

It's not what you think.
Please, do not turn me in.

Why should I give you a break?

Because I think I can help you, huh?

Tomorrow morning I'm going
back to the coast.

If you really want to leave this place,
you can come with me.

You mean it?
Sure.

I can't.

Por qué no?

You don't know what I've done.

I blew my life.
Fell for the wrong guy.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Somebody's coming.

Oh, no. Just be very quiet
and nothing will happen.

They're going to think
I covered for you.

How will they know?

She's in here. Help me.
She's in here. Help me.

She was trying to rob me.

Robbing?
That is a man's work.

I'm taking you to Señor Gustave.

Amiguito.

Come here.

Now, stay here.

The girl caught me going through her room.
She blew the whistle.

Petie, we've got to get me out of this.

Now, I heard those two agents talking.

They're here to buy the currency plates
from Boylin.

That's disgusting.

How could he sell out
his country for money?

They're starting their offer
at $5,000,000.

Really?

Oh, I hear you were stealing from my guests.

What were you looking for?

Anything she could find.

Look, you have got to stop this kleptomania
or you will get in trouble.

I try, but the bad habits
are hard to break, you know?

Stop lying. I don't believe
that you're a kleptomaniac,

but I do believe that you're a police spy.

Her?

She's just a dancer.

A dancer?

Well, my guests get little enough
entertainment as it is,

so you must dance for us.

And I'll feed your fingers to the iguanas
before I kill you both,

if she doesn't dance very,
very well.

Don't worry, she's wonderful.

For a girl that's called
"the Clod of the Flamenco."

Two left feet you know. With the castanets,
all thumbs.

(STAMMERING)
She does a novelty act, and it's hilarious.

Really. She falls over furniture, whatnot.

Well, if she makes me laugh,

you're in big trouble.

One-Eye, will you go up and get the other guests,
please?

Might as well confess.

What?

I'm sorry, Jaime.

Listen, I've got some information I think you
might find interesting.

Excuse us.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

If you tell me she doesn't dance,
you are a dead man.

I admit, I might've been
taken in by her, too.

Personally, I've never
seen her perform.

If she stinks, she deserves
everything she gets.

That's all you've got to tell me, huh?

No. Is there a guest here
named Boylin?

There might be.

Well, he's got something really valuable. We came
down here to steal it.

Oh, Petie,
you gave me your word.

What is the object and how much is the value?

Engraving plates,

and they're worth five...
(STAMMERING) $500,000.

$500,000?

Well, that's very interesting.

Ah, One-Eye, bring the guests
right down, please.

Petie, what are you up to?

I set up Gustave into
pointing out Boylin to us,

then I'll go up,
search the room for the plates

while you keep everyone distracted down here.

Do not double-cross me, please.

GUSTAVE: Ladies and gentlemen,
please hurry.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we have a rare treat
in store for us today.

This charming young lady
is going to dance for us.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

And immediately following that,

we may have a surprise encore.

The execution of a police spy.

How am I going to fake my way through this?

I want you to go upstairs and really search
Boylin's room.

You are looking for engraving plates.

I will find them.

Now then young lady,
you will dance. Hmm?

It better be good.

Oh, I hope I can remember
how Carmen Miranda did it.

(MUSIC BEGINS)

(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)

He thought he could fool me?

Oh, you are beautiful.

(CRASHING)

How long do I have to
keep this up.

You've got my property, fella.

Your property?

How could you be Boylin?

I'm Mrs. Boylin.

Hand them over.

Oh, sure...
Right here. Right here...

WOMAN: She's not bad.

What can I do now?

Petie, please hurry.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

Gustave, don't let her get away.

Her partner stole my engraving plates.

Your plates?

Yeah. I'm Boylin's wife.

He died last month and all he left me were the
plans to steal those plates,

so I did the job myself.

And her partners got them.

Well, so you are a dancer,
police spy, or a thief.

It doesn't matter, in either case the punishment
is the same.

GUSTAVE: Little man!

We have your girlfriend!

You will have until I count ten

to come back and save her.

No girl alive is worth
five million bucks.

You call him.
Add your own appeal.

I said call him!

Petie. Petie, if you can hear me,
keep going.

You can't save me anyway.

That was very foolish.
Stay here.

Little man!

Her life is in your hands!

One, two...

I am not bluffing.
I'm going to kill her.

I know it. I know that.

Three, four...

This is ridiculous.

Five, six...

Alright, she's a nice
enough girl, but five million.

Seven, eight...

I want your word, Petie.

My word.
My word ain't worth nothing.

It never were since the day I was conceived.

Everybody knows that except her.

She's crazy.

Nine...

Wait! I'm crazy.
Don't shoot!

Shoot him as soon as you see him.

I'm coming in. I'm coming in.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

Watch out.

After her.

I want those plates.

Petie, wait for me.

Come on.

Not without me, Gustave.
Those plates are mine.

Alright, get in.
We'll negotiate later!

Watch it, One-Eye.

ONE-EYED-ONE: Aye, you stupid taxi!
What's the matter with you?

Come on, come on.
They're getting away.

Don't let her get away.

You jeep...
I'm going to teach you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
We're not going to make it.

Just get going.
I'll stall them.

Wait, wait. Come on.
No. You heard me. Move it.

Listen, don't panic, okay?

When I holler, you jump
in that doorway. And do it.

GUSTAVE: Hurry up.
- They can't be too far ahead.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

Petie, jump.

GUSTAVE: One-Eye.
- Get me out of this ditch.

Get me out of here!

You stupid jeep. You stupid.

Aye Chihuahua.

I kill you!

OSCAR:
You did great, babe.

Could I give Petie his pardon myself?

Here it is.

Thank you. Oh boy.

Come in, Mr. Regan.

Hi.
Well, hi.

Look at you.
You look terrific.

I think this makes it official.

Going to go straight now, right?

Sure.

You mean it?

Of course.

Give me your word.

Would you stop already
with that word stuff?

I told you it wasn't worth anything.

Well, it was to me.

Well, maybe a little.