The Bionic Woman (1976–1978): Season 2, Episode 7 - Black Magic - full transcript
Cyrus Carstairs, the inventor of a new top secret formula for high speed alloy to be used in jet fighters dies, leaving his greedy relatives greedy for his inheritance. One of them puts the formula up on the black market, and Jaime is send in to get it first, posing as cousin Tracy, whom nobody had seen since she joined the circus as a fortune teller 18 years earlier.
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
Good evening, Barlow.
Welcome, Mr. Manfred.
Nice to see you again.
Well, it's good to be back.
I left my things down at the landing.
You'll fetch them and put them up
in my old room?
Yes, sir.
How is my dear brother?
At death's door, sir. I doubt if he'll last
the night.
Oh, that's too bad.
Tell him I'm here.
Yes, sir.
Such bad taste.
(CREAKING)
(STRAINED BREATHING)
Stop staring, you fool.
I'm not dead yet.
Mr. Manfred's arrived, sir.
I told him your condition.
I suppose he's giggling in anticipation
in his sickening way.
Barlow, how would you like
to be a wealthy man?
Well, I'd have no objection, sir.
You have all the qualifications
for inherited wealth.
Spineless.
Slavish to superiors.
Arrogant to inferiors.
My will states the value I have placed on your
years of faithful service.
Two cents.
Bring Manfred in.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
How are you feeling, Cyrus?
Are you in pain?
Yes.
And it's grown more acute since
you entered the room.
We can only hope you're going to
a better place.
Personally, I've never believed
all those ugly stories
about retribution in the next world.
For your sake, I certainly hope
that they're not true.
You'll find out soon enough
for yourself.
I've just tried to follow
an older brother's example,
but this is no time to reminisce.
There are family matters to settle.
Hmm.
(SCOFFS)
My will is over there,
behind the picture in the safe.
I had the safe designed with
you in mind.
Burglar-proof.
That's cruel, Cyrus.
I had a terrible time deciding which relative
should get my money.
I hate you all so much.
But, you are my family.
So, one of you gets everything.
Well, naturally, as your only brother,
you named me.
Let's just say
I left it all
(LAUGHING)
to the smartest.
(LAUGHING STOPS)
I'm sorry,
Mr. Manfred.
He just died laughing.
Laughing.
If you'll excuse me, sir.
I'll notify the attorney, Mr. Warfield.
He'll want to summon
the rest of the family.
Oh, yes, of course.
Manfred Carstairs.
Indicted 17 times.
Seventeen times?
Never convicted of anything.
Wait till you see the rest
of the family.
This is Claudette. She's been married
six times,
divorced twice,
widowed four times.
Four times?
How'd they die?
Probably overdoses of Claudette.
And there's Aunt Tess.
She lives in England.
She was convicted of black-marketing
during the war.
She's under suspicion of high crimes
and misdemeanors.
And here is Andrew Warfield,
the Carstairs' attorney.
The legal profession's been trying to disbar him
for years.
Who's that?
That's the Carstairs'
only niece, Tracy.
She's agreed to let you impersonate her.
The Carstairs family hasn't seen her
since she ran away
to join the circus 18 years ago.
Can't say as I blame her,
with that family she's got.
Um, what am I after?
An envelope marked "Top Secret."
In it is a formula for a high-speed alloy
used in our jet fighters.
Old Cyrus developed it and was about to
sell it to us
for 20 million dollars
when he died.
One of the members of the Carstairs family
has offered it for sale
and foreign powers are offering millions.
We think the will will tell us where
the formula is.
Now, that's why I'm sending you
to Carstairs Manor
on Lafitte Island.
Carstairs Manor?
Lafitte Island?
Oscar, it sounds like an old horror movie.
Igor is not gonna meet me
at the door, is he?
I don't know if Igor
will be there, Jaime.
But I wouldn't take my eyes off this guy.
Just ahead.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
Whom
Just a little ways inland.
I'll pay you extra if you take me up there.
No one around here'd be fool enough to set foot
on Lafitte Island
and maybe run into the creature.
Creature?
What creature?
Well, most think it is just a trick of old Cyrus
to scare trespassers away.
What do the rest say?
(PRAYING IN FRENCH)
Unholy things happened
in the old days
when Lafitte pirates
ruled the swamp.
Me, I don't believe a word of it.
That's encouraging.
(MOTOR STARTING)
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Hello?
Hello?
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Wait a minute.
Come on! Stop that!
You should be ashamed of yourself, scaring
people like that!
(GRUNTING)
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
(CREAKING)
Hello?
Hello?
(METALLIC CLANGING)
(CLANGING CONTINUES)
Who are you?
I'm Tracy.
Oh, yes, of course.
You're Marcia's little girl.
Well, I'm Uncle Manfred.
How are you, my dear?
Not very well at the moment,
thank you.
A man scared me half to death on my way
from the landing.
Really? And outside
in front here,
a very large pot fell
and barely missed me.
Well, I'm not surprised.
It's terrible the way
Cyrus neglected the place.
It's literally falling down.
At the oddest times.
Yes. Well, I'm delighted
to see you again, my dear,
but you've changed almost too much.
Especially your eyes.
There's none of the Carstairs look
about them. Strange.
Well, it has been 18 years,
Uncle Manfred.
And in speaking of strange things...
Oh, yes, of course. Well, I was just
testing the safe.
It's very well-built.
Yes, we can all feel very safe with the will
locked up in it.
Well, let me show you up to your mother's
old room, hmm?
Are my aunts here yet?
Oh, no, no. You're the first
to arrive.
But don't harbor foolish hopes
about any part of the family fortune.
Oh, so the will has been read already?
Oh, no, no.
But he left everything
to the smartest among us.
Everybody in the family
knows who that is.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I never realized
Cyrus admired me so much.
Imagine him leaving me
all his money.
You?
Yes. Well, he said the smartest, didn't he?
Well, I'm not saying that Manfred and Tessie
are actually retarded,
(CHUCKLING)
but they're no whiz kids either.
(LAUGHING)
And these aren't booby prizes, darling.
Uh-huh.
Oh, Warfield, bring the bags.
Bring the bags.
All right.
You, uh...
You wouldn't want to carry...
Carry your jewelry
case, would you? No, I guess not.
All right.
Come in, Snow White.
This is Dopey.
Come in, Snow White.
Are you in position yet?
Jaime, how's it going?
Well, pretty bad. There's already been
an attempt on my life.
Listen, if it's that dangerous, you better
get out of there.
How? The water around this island is filled
with snakes and alligators,
and this house is filling up
with Carstairs.
(LOUD CRASHING)
(MAN YELLING)
Wait a minute, Oscar.
(GASPS)
Oh, get up, Warfield.
It was only a glancing blow.
Manfred and Cyrus got me several times
when we were children.
(GRUNTING)
Warfield and Claudette just got the same
reception I did.
Look, Oscar, I think that the formula
is in Cyrus' safe.
I'm gonna go after it now.
All right, but be careful.
And watch out for those Carstairs.
Just think. By tonight
all of this will be mine.
How sweet of dear Cyrus to leave
everything to me.
If he'd said the most beautiful I would have
known he meant Claudette.
She's really quite pretty,
in a tawdry sort of way,
but it took more than the gaudy
to sway dear Cyrus.
Oh!
We did agree on $50 for the trip,
didn't we?
Well, you said 100. Otherwise, I would
not have come.
Oh...
Here. Here.
Have a safe trip back.
(BOAT MOTOR REVVING)
You frog.
(LOCK CLICKING)
(LEAVES RUSTLING)
(GRUNTING)
That's you, Manfred.
I know it is!
Stop the nonsense and come out at once.
We're not children any longer, you know,
Manfred.
Stop trying to scare me.
(GRUNTING)
Very well. Two can play
at that game.
(EXCLAIMING)
(FOOTSTEPS RETREATING RAPIDLY)
That'll teach you!
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(LOCK CLICKING)
Just what are you doing, girl?
She was just trying to cheat us.
Just like you were trying to do.
(CHUCKLES)
How about you, Manfred?
Those marks on that metal weren't made
by any woodpeckers.
Don't move, anybody.
What's going on here?
Who's she?
Oh, that's our niece. Tracy.
Aunt Tess and Claudette.
Would you believe when I first saw her,
I didn't think that she was one of us.
Not much family resemblance.
None at all.
Well, she doesn't look like us, but...
She certainly acts like us.
A Carstairs, through and through.
Welcome aboard.
Sweet darling. Come, let me take
you to your room.
My goodness, the circus certainly has an effect
on your clothing.
Still working in the sideshow?
Come in, Snow White.
OSCAR: Hello, Dopey.
I'm not Dopey anymore.
I'm Grumpy,
and I haven't got the formula.
However, I have been
accepted as a Carstairs.
Somehow, Jaime, I knew
that you'd fit right in.
Now that's a rotten thing to say.
Oscar, these people are homicidal.
They're trying to knock each other off.
It wouldn't surprise me a bit if they all stole
the formula.
Well, they all know how high the stakes are.
My information tells me that the formula hasn't
been delivered yet,
so it still must be in the house.
Well, they're gonna have the will reading
right after dinner,
so I should know something soon.
Good. I'll move in when you tell me.
You got it.
(GRUNTING)
(MUTTERING)
WARFIELD: Fifty left...
Uh-huh.
Right 13.
Wait a minute.
Yes.
Nothing but this!
Here, that's for you.
Well, he put his will
on a TV cassette.
Huh.
He wanted to tell us what was
in it personally.
Why, there's no television set
in this house.
Oh, yes, there is,
Miss Claudette.
Why was it kept locked?
He didn't want the servants wasting
time watching it.
Oh, but you had the key, hmm?
Oh, your easy days are over, Barlow.
Turn it on, huh? All right, watch
and weep.
CYRUS: My dear family...
Oh, Cyrus, Cyrus. Hello, hello,
wherever you are.
Doesn't he look wonderful?
All things considered,
a most handsome man.
Manfred.
Tess.
Claudette.
(COUGHING)
You aren't even mentioned, darling.
You and Marcia's little girl,
what's-her-name,
are my family,
and so you all have a crack
at my fortune.
Back to the races, darling.
I tried to give you all equal chances
to prove who is the smartest.
Hidden somewhere here in this house
is a safe-deposit box
containing various valuable papers
and the stock certificates
to all my companies.
I'm making it winner-take-all
to the one who finds it.
Forgive me, Cyrus.
For a moment, I actually thought
well of you.
So, a scavenger hunt
will have to pick
the fittest to replace me
as head of the family.
Hopefully, it will be the best, the smartest,
luckiest,
or perhaps, if I know my dear family,
(CHUCKLES)
just the survivor.
Oh, well, Warfield is
allowed in the hunt, too,
because he has proven
over so many years
that he can't do anything right anyway!
Now, here are all the clues that you will
need to find the box.
”'The time has come",
the Walrus said
”'To talk of many things
”'Of shoes and ships
and sealing-wax
”'And cabbages and Kings
”'And why the sea is boiling hot
”'And whether pigs have wings
”'And why the fun when time has run
”'and stopped its tired fling?'”
(CHUCKLING)
All right, scavengers,
start your hunt.
(SCOFFS)
Just the kind of childish thing
I'd expect of him.
A really flawed mind.
But I don't understand.
What does it mean?
Well, it's from Lewis Carroll,
but I'm afraid Uncle Cyrus
wrote the last line himself.
Well, the only thing we can do is go along
with his stupid game.
MANFRED: ”'The time has come",
the Walrus said.
CLAUDETTE:
Ships? Shoes?
TESS: ”Fun when time has stopped?”
JAIME: Cabbages...
- Boiling hot...
WARFIELD:
Pigs with wings?
Shall we be civilized for once and agree
on some ground rules?
Like what?
Well, we don't want to be stumbling over
each other in the dark.
Let's start the hunt
at say, 6:00 am, hmm?
That's a wonderful idea.
Very fair.
Fine.
Okay by me.
Huh.
See you at 6:00 sharp.
CLAUDETTE: Well, no hurry. I'll have breakfast
before I start.
Oh, that's a capital idea.
If I oversleep,
be sure and wake me.
(YAWNING)
Sleep well, all.
A good night's sleep will be wonderful.
Goodnight, everybody.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(DOOR OPENING)
Sounds like everybody decided to get up
a little early.
Somebody got my radio.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
lam gonna have to stay one jump ahead of these
Carstairs.
(GRUNTS)
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(CLOCK CHIMING)
(CREAKS)
JAIME: Wings, pigs,
boiling hot...
It's the kitchen.
(CHIMING)
CLAUDETTE:
Shoes, shoes! Shoes?
WARFIELD: Sealing-wax.
A letter!
MANFRED: Cyrus always was a pig and he did
take wings from here.
(SIGHING)
”The Walrus said,
'To talk of many things'”
Talk? Talk. Talk...
Could it mean the television set?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(CUCKOOING)
WARFIELD: Kings...
Ah!
I saw it first!
You did not!
Will you let go of it,
you old bat!
(SHATTERING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh! Nothing.
(SIGHS)
Well, here, you can take it,
but the next clue is mine.
Tess, I've already checked the kitchen.
Smart girl.
And now, why don't you go and help Warfield
search the living room.
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
Mr. Warfield?
Mr. Warfield?
Well, so much for kings.
(LOUD BANGING)
Get out!
This is the only ship in the house
and it's mine!
Well, I just came in to see if you were
all right.
Well, close the door!
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(CLAUDETTE SCREAMS)
Claudette?
(SCREAMS)
Is there something wrong, Miss?
Well, Aunt Claudette
just disappeared.
Oh, she's been doing
that for years, Miss.
The first time was when she married
the Polish count.
And then she just dropped out of sight when she
met the Buenos Aires gentleman.
No, no, no. She just disappeared
from that room!
Hmm. Was there a gentleman with her?
(SIGHING)
Where is Uncle Manfred?
I think he's in the attic.
The attic?
Yes, he remembered the fine wood carvings
on the ceiling of the master bedroom and asked me
if we'd ever waxed them.
I told him, "Well, sometimes
we touched them up."
Then he just shouted,
"Ceiling wax!"
And ran up into the attic.
Will that be all, Miss?
Thank you.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
Stop! Don't move, girlie.
What have you done with Claudette
and Warfield?
What are you talking about?
I saw everything.
I left him in the drawing room.
He disappeared after
you had been in there.
The same thing happened to Claudette.
You're young,
but you're all Carstairs.
Did you realize that
I had solved the puzzle
and you came back to get me, too?
What?
Look at it.
It hasn't rung for years.
"And why the fun when time has run
"and stopped its tired fling."
I know the secret's in it somewhere.
Turn around.
What're you gonna do?
Just turn around.
(STAMMERING)
Well, can I please just tell you why I came here?
Tess?
Tess!
You're next, my dear.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
JAIME: The formula has got to be in this
crazy house somewhere.
Now, what have we got?
"And whether pigs have wings
"And why the fun when time has run..."
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(GASPS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey! What...
Tracy, what are you doing?
There is a man behind that wall!
How unusual.
Well, not for this house, it isn't.
And by process of elimination,
it must be Barlow.
Barlow? Oh,
don't be ridiculous.
That lazy oaf wouldn't dare compete with...
Well, who else could it be?
You can't be in two places
at one time
and everyone else has disappeared.
Is it possible you could be right?
Tracy, I'm not one to share,
but there's a first time for everything.
For safety's sake, I think we'd better
cooperate.
What's on your mind?
What would you want if we found that
box together?
There is an envelope that's probably just among
his personal papers.
You may have all the rest.
What's so valuable about that envelope?
I am a philatelist.
A philate-what?
I'm a stamp collector.
Oh!
Do we have a deal?
Partners.
Let's pool our knowledge.
Hell, I took the attic apart.
There's nothing up there.
Okay. Claudette found
the only ship in the house.
So, I think that's a red herring.
And Warfield found the only thing that
looks like a king.
Now, I myself went through
the kitchens and there are no cabbages.
So, okay, maybe Tess was right.
Could it have anything
to do with that clock?
Oh, no. No, Cyrus would never hide it in as
obvious a place as that.
What time is it?
It's almost 8:00.
It's 8:00.
And kings on the chessboard!
Maybe that's the kind of king
he was talking about.
Could be.
What is that?
Is that supposed to be
light coming down through a window
or something?
Looks like it.
Okay, so we've got 8:00
and light.
Eight o'clock. Light coming through
a window...
Makes a chessboard on the floor!
What position is that king?
Uh. Queen three.
Okay, I don't know anything about chess.
Can you show me where...
Sure.
Stand on it, please?
There.
Is there anything down below there?
The old family burial crypt.
There's a stairway leading down to it
in the back hall.
This is about where queen's three would be.
We should be right under it.
Without the sun, time has stopped
for it, too.
Help me with this.
Okay.
(GRUNTING)
I'll get a crowbar.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
I got it!
Well, how did you...
JAIME: And here is
- Uncle Cyrus' box.
Well, look at that!
Well, we found it. Isn't that right,
partner?
Guess so.
Silly girl.
I was talking to my real partner.
The butler did it?
Well, actually,
we did it together.
I made an arrangement with Barlow before Cyrus
was even cold.
He caught Tess and Warfield
and I got poor Claudette...
And you.
What're you doing?
Did you think I'd settle for more scraps from
the Carstairs table?
The old man wanted to sell the formula
to the government,
but he got plenty of other offers
before he died,
so I made a deal for it.
They're waiting to hear from me now.
Barlow, remember your place.
Move.
Move!
Sir?
Huh.
Down to the end of the corridor.
Barlow, you horrid man!
Get us out of here.
I'll pay you back for this, Manfred!
I am suing everybody for every dime
in the estate!
Inside!
I suppose you realize this means you're
discharged!
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
(SIGHS)
This is Barlow, sir.
I have the goods.
MAN: (OVER RADIO) - Splendid. We'll be there
shortly, as agreed.
There's something else
you must do for me, too.
Yes, what is it?
Dispose of several persons.
My friend, for that formula
we'll do anything you want.
CLAUDETTE: It's all your fault, Manfred.
Completely and totally.
Triple damages! I am naming everyone
as accessories.
What do you mean, it's my fault?
Don't go blaming me for the servant problem.
You know, this looks awfully old.
It might break easily.
Oh, don't be stupid.
It's solid.
Cyrus and I found them
when we were kids.
They were the chains Lafitte held
his prisoners with.
We used to have lots of fun
tying up the governess with them.
Well, I still think a link or two might've
rusted through.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
However you did that,
I'm glad you're on my side.
Your side?
I just might need you,
but can I trust you?
You have my word of honor.
(LAUGHING)
Hmm.
That and 10 cents would get me a dime.
Don't be cruel, Tracy. There's a lot of Cyrus
in you.
Help me find Barlow.
Sure.
(YELLING)
Where's the envelope?
All right, so you've got the gun.
I'll search him.
No, you don't.
Well, then you give me the gun
and you search him.
No.
No.
Checkmate.
(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)
Well, that must be his contact.
Look, you Carstairs may be rotten, but these
people are really killers.
You treacherous scum. How much did they
offer you to betray me?
Ten million dollars.
Ten million dollars!
Really?
You did say 10 million dollars?
Manfred, come on, now, these people that
are coming here,
they're very dangerous.
Do you think that they know
what he looks like?
Could they possibly have met?
Oh, I can't see how.
Cyrus didn't give him
a day off in 30 years.
Okay. You and I are gonna take a chance.
Come on. Get up.
(SIGHING)
Ten million dollars.
(BLOWS)
Tracy, surely you're not going to leave us
here any longer?
Don't you owe us some loyalty?
Loyalty?
You were going to put me away.
Well, if you're going
to hold grudges.
Some people are like that,
always dwelling on the past.
I didn't do anything!
Don't you try and make me feel guilty,
any of you, because it's not going to work.
All right.
All right, I will.
But you had better do
exactly what I tell you.
Don't you trust us?
(MIMICKING TESS)
Oh, about as far as I can throw you.
No, I don't trust you that far.
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
Good day.
You're Barlow?
Yes, of course.
Where's the money?
It's deposited in the Swiss bank,
as per our agreement.
You'll get the number of the account when
we get the formula.
Very good.
Where are the people
you want taken care of?
They're waiting for you.
Call me a sensitive fool, but I just can't bear
to watch.
Excuse you, Man.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Nice work, Manfred. I guess I was wrong
about you, after all.
Where'd he go?
He went out there.
Why should I be surprised!
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Tracy! Oh, thank heaven
you're safe.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Tracy, to the shallow mind I know that this
looks incriminating,
but in deeper retrospect,
I'm sure you'll understand
my worry about you
and why I was rowing for help.
(CHUCKLES)
And so, Barlow and his contacts
are all in jail.
What's gonna happen to
the Carstairs fortune?
Well, it's up to the courts to decide,
of course,
but my guess is Tracy will get it all.
Tracy?
Yeah. Old man Cyrus left it to the smartest
Carstairs, right?
Yeah?
And it's a good argument
that the smartest Carstairs
wouldn't come within
1,000 miles of the place.
Amen.
And she got the OS! to have somebody go in
there and get it for her.
Smart girl. Not dumb.
Smart girl.
Here's to you, babe.
You did good.
I'll drink to that.
Oscar, (CHOKING)
they have escaped!
They're sitting down
right there behind us!
Uh, Jaime, I, um...
I've gotta tell you something.
I had to let them go.
Let them go?
Well, you see, the Carstairs wouldn't
testify against each other,
and since they did help you capture Barlow...
Well, yes, but...
Pardon.
The gentleman asked if he and his party
might join you?
No.
No, thank you very much.
You'd think after all
we've done for her,
she'd let bygones be bygones.
Oh, look at that outfit.
Glad she's going back
to the sideshow.
The silly girl, she just wants us to coax her into
accepting our apology.
Oh, very well.
Let's go.
Oscar, they're coming over here.
Those nuts are coming over here to this table
anyway.
Good evening, Barlow.
Welcome, Mr. Manfred.
Nice to see you again.
Well, it's good to be back.
I left my things down at the landing.
You'll fetch them and put them up
in my old room?
Yes, sir.
How is my dear brother?
At death's door, sir. I doubt if he'll last
the night.
Oh, that's too bad.
Tell him I'm here.
Yes, sir.
Such bad taste.
(CREAKING)
(STRAINED BREATHING)
Stop staring, you fool.
I'm not dead yet.
Mr. Manfred's arrived, sir.
I told him your condition.
I suppose he's giggling in anticipation
in his sickening way.
Barlow, how would you like
to be a wealthy man?
Well, I'd have no objection, sir.
You have all the qualifications
for inherited wealth.
Spineless.
Slavish to superiors.
Arrogant to inferiors.
My will states the value I have placed on your
years of faithful service.
Two cents.
Bring Manfred in.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
How are you feeling, Cyrus?
Are you in pain?
Yes.
And it's grown more acute since
you entered the room.
We can only hope you're going to
a better place.
Personally, I've never believed
all those ugly stories
about retribution in the next world.
For your sake, I certainly hope
that they're not true.
You'll find out soon enough
for yourself.
I've just tried to follow
an older brother's example,
but this is no time to reminisce.
There are family matters to settle.
Hmm.
(SCOFFS)
My will is over there,
behind the picture in the safe.
I had the safe designed with
you in mind.
Burglar-proof.
That's cruel, Cyrus.
I had a terrible time deciding which relative
should get my money.
I hate you all so much.
But, you are my family.
So, one of you gets everything.
Well, naturally, as your only brother,
you named me.
Let's just say
I left it all
(LAUGHING)
to the smartest.
(LAUGHING STOPS)
I'm sorry,
Mr. Manfred.
He just died laughing.
Laughing.
If you'll excuse me, sir.
I'll notify the attorney, Mr. Warfield.
He'll want to summon
the rest of the family.
Oh, yes, of course.
Manfred Carstairs.
Indicted 17 times.
Seventeen times?
Never convicted of anything.
Wait till you see the rest
of the family.
This is Claudette. She's been married
six times,
divorced twice,
widowed four times.
Four times?
How'd they die?
Probably overdoses of Claudette.
And there's Aunt Tess.
She lives in England.
She was convicted of black-marketing
during the war.
She's under suspicion of high crimes
and misdemeanors.
And here is Andrew Warfield,
the Carstairs' attorney.
The legal profession's been trying to disbar him
for years.
Who's that?
That's the Carstairs'
only niece, Tracy.
She's agreed to let you impersonate her.
The Carstairs family hasn't seen her
since she ran away
to join the circus 18 years ago.
Can't say as I blame her,
with that family she's got.
Um, what am I after?
An envelope marked "Top Secret."
In it is a formula for a high-speed alloy
used in our jet fighters.
Old Cyrus developed it and was about to
sell it to us
for 20 million dollars
when he died.
One of the members of the Carstairs family
has offered it for sale
and foreign powers are offering millions.
We think the will will tell us where
the formula is.
Now, that's why I'm sending you
to Carstairs Manor
on Lafitte Island.
Carstairs Manor?
Lafitte Island?
Oscar, it sounds like an old horror movie.
Igor is not gonna meet me
at the door, is he?
I don't know if Igor
will be there, Jaime.
But I wouldn't take my eyes off this guy.
Just ahead.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
Whom
Just a little ways inland.
I'll pay you extra if you take me up there.
No one around here'd be fool enough to set foot
on Lafitte Island
and maybe run into the creature.
Creature?
What creature?
Well, most think it is just a trick of old Cyrus
to scare trespassers away.
What do the rest say?
(PRAYING IN FRENCH)
Unholy things happened
in the old days
when Lafitte pirates
ruled the swamp.
Me, I don't believe a word of it.
That's encouraging.
(MOTOR STARTING)
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Hello?
Hello?
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Wait a minute.
Come on! Stop that!
You should be ashamed of yourself, scaring
people like that!
(GRUNTING)
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
(CREAKING)
Hello?
Hello?
(METALLIC CLANGING)
(CLANGING CONTINUES)
Who are you?
I'm Tracy.
Oh, yes, of course.
You're Marcia's little girl.
Well, I'm Uncle Manfred.
How are you, my dear?
Not very well at the moment,
thank you.
A man scared me half to death on my way
from the landing.
Really? And outside
in front here,
a very large pot fell
and barely missed me.
Well, I'm not surprised.
It's terrible the way
Cyrus neglected the place.
It's literally falling down.
At the oddest times.
Yes. Well, I'm delighted
to see you again, my dear,
but you've changed almost too much.
Especially your eyes.
There's none of the Carstairs look
about them. Strange.
Well, it has been 18 years,
Uncle Manfred.
And in speaking of strange things...
Oh, yes, of course. Well, I was just
testing the safe.
It's very well-built.
Yes, we can all feel very safe with the will
locked up in it.
Well, let me show you up to your mother's
old room, hmm?
Are my aunts here yet?
Oh, no, no. You're the first
to arrive.
But don't harbor foolish hopes
about any part of the family fortune.
Oh, so the will has been read already?
Oh, no, no.
But he left everything
to the smartest among us.
Everybody in the family
knows who that is.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I never realized
Cyrus admired me so much.
Imagine him leaving me
all his money.
You?
Yes. Well, he said the smartest, didn't he?
Well, I'm not saying that Manfred and Tessie
are actually retarded,
(CHUCKLING)
but they're no whiz kids either.
(LAUGHING)
And these aren't booby prizes, darling.
Uh-huh.
Oh, Warfield, bring the bags.
Bring the bags.
All right.
You, uh...
You wouldn't want to carry...
Carry your jewelry
case, would you? No, I guess not.
All right.
Come in, Snow White.
This is Dopey.
Come in, Snow White.
Are you in position yet?
Jaime, how's it going?
Well, pretty bad. There's already been
an attempt on my life.
Listen, if it's that dangerous, you better
get out of there.
How? The water around this island is filled
with snakes and alligators,
and this house is filling up
with Carstairs.
(LOUD CRASHING)
(MAN YELLING)
Wait a minute, Oscar.
(GASPS)
Oh, get up, Warfield.
It was only a glancing blow.
Manfred and Cyrus got me several times
when we were children.
(GRUNTING)
Warfield and Claudette just got the same
reception I did.
Look, Oscar, I think that the formula
is in Cyrus' safe.
I'm gonna go after it now.
All right, but be careful.
And watch out for those Carstairs.
Just think. By tonight
all of this will be mine.
How sweet of dear Cyrus to leave
everything to me.
If he'd said the most beautiful I would have
known he meant Claudette.
She's really quite pretty,
in a tawdry sort of way,
but it took more than the gaudy
to sway dear Cyrus.
Oh!
We did agree on $50 for the trip,
didn't we?
Well, you said 100. Otherwise, I would
not have come.
Oh...
Here. Here.
Have a safe trip back.
(BOAT MOTOR REVVING)
You frog.
(LOCK CLICKING)
(LEAVES RUSTLING)
(GRUNTING)
That's you, Manfred.
I know it is!
Stop the nonsense and come out at once.
We're not children any longer, you know,
Manfred.
Stop trying to scare me.
(GRUNTING)
Very well. Two can play
at that game.
(EXCLAIMING)
(FOOTSTEPS RETREATING RAPIDLY)
That'll teach you!
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(LOCK CLICKING)
Just what are you doing, girl?
She was just trying to cheat us.
Just like you were trying to do.
(CHUCKLES)
How about you, Manfred?
Those marks on that metal weren't made
by any woodpeckers.
Don't move, anybody.
What's going on here?
Who's she?
Oh, that's our niece. Tracy.
Aunt Tess and Claudette.
Would you believe when I first saw her,
I didn't think that she was one of us.
Not much family resemblance.
None at all.
Well, she doesn't look like us, but...
She certainly acts like us.
A Carstairs, through and through.
Welcome aboard.
Sweet darling. Come, let me take
you to your room.
My goodness, the circus certainly has an effect
on your clothing.
Still working in the sideshow?
Come in, Snow White.
OSCAR: Hello, Dopey.
I'm not Dopey anymore.
I'm Grumpy,
and I haven't got the formula.
However, I have been
accepted as a Carstairs.
Somehow, Jaime, I knew
that you'd fit right in.
Now that's a rotten thing to say.
Oscar, these people are homicidal.
They're trying to knock each other off.
It wouldn't surprise me a bit if they all stole
the formula.
Well, they all know how high the stakes are.
My information tells me that the formula hasn't
been delivered yet,
so it still must be in the house.
Well, they're gonna have the will reading
right after dinner,
so I should know something soon.
Good. I'll move in when you tell me.
You got it.
(GRUNTING)
(MUTTERING)
WARFIELD: Fifty left...
Uh-huh.
Right 13.
Wait a minute.
Yes.
Nothing but this!
Here, that's for you.
Well, he put his will
on a TV cassette.
Huh.
He wanted to tell us what was
in it personally.
Why, there's no television set
in this house.
Oh, yes, there is,
Miss Claudette.
Why was it kept locked?
He didn't want the servants wasting
time watching it.
Oh, but you had the key, hmm?
Oh, your easy days are over, Barlow.
Turn it on, huh? All right, watch
and weep.
CYRUS: My dear family...
Oh, Cyrus, Cyrus. Hello, hello,
wherever you are.
Doesn't he look wonderful?
All things considered,
a most handsome man.
Manfred.
Tess.
Claudette.
(COUGHING)
You aren't even mentioned, darling.
You and Marcia's little girl,
what's-her-name,
are my family,
and so you all have a crack
at my fortune.
Back to the races, darling.
I tried to give you all equal chances
to prove who is the smartest.
Hidden somewhere here in this house
is a safe-deposit box
containing various valuable papers
and the stock certificates
to all my companies.
I'm making it winner-take-all
to the one who finds it.
Forgive me, Cyrus.
For a moment, I actually thought
well of you.
So, a scavenger hunt
will have to pick
the fittest to replace me
as head of the family.
Hopefully, it will be the best, the smartest,
luckiest,
or perhaps, if I know my dear family,
(CHUCKLES)
just the survivor.
Oh, well, Warfield is
allowed in the hunt, too,
because he has proven
over so many years
that he can't do anything right anyway!
Now, here are all the clues that you will
need to find the box.
”'The time has come",
the Walrus said
”'To talk of many things
”'Of shoes and ships
and sealing-wax
”'And cabbages and Kings
”'And why the sea is boiling hot
”'And whether pigs have wings
”'And why the fun when time has run
”'and stopped its tired fling?'”
(CHUCKLING)
All right, scavengers,
start your hunt.
(SCOFFS)
Just the kind of childish thing
I'd expect of him.
A really flawed mind.
But I don't understand.
What does it mean?
Well, it's from Lewis Carroll,
but I'm afraid Uncle Cyrus
wrote the last line himself.
Well, the only thing we can do is go along
with his stupid game.
MANFRED: ”'The time has come",
the Walrus said.
CLAUDETTE:
Ships? Shoes?
TESS: ”Fun when time has stopped?”
JAIME: Cabbages...
- Boiling hot...
WARFIELD:
Pigs with wings?
Shall we be civilized for once and agree
on some ground rules?
Like what?
Well, we don't want to be stumbling over
each other in the dark.
Let's start the hunt
at say, 6:00 am, hmm?
That's a wonderful idea.
Very fair.
Fine.
Okay by me.
Huh.
See you at 6:00 sharp.
CLAUDETTE: Well, no hurry. I'll have breakfast
before I start.
Oh, that's a capital idea.
If I oversleep,
be sure and wake me.
(YAWNING)
Sleep well, all.
A good night's sleep will be wonderful.
Goodnight, everybody.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(DOOR OPENING)
Sounds like everybody decided to get up
a little early.
Somebody got my radio.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
lam gonna have to stay one jump ahead of these
Carstairs.
(GRUNTS)
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(CLOCK CHIMING)
(CREAKS)
JAIME: Wings, pigs,
boiling hot...
It's the kitchen.
(CHIMING)
CLAUDETTE:
Shoes, shoes! Shoes?
WARFIELD: Sealing-wax.
A letter!
MANFRED: Cyrus always was a pig and he did
take wings from here.
(SIGHING)
”The Walrus said,
'To talk of many things'”
Talk? Talk. Talk...
Could it mean the television set?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(CUCKOOING)
WARFIELD: Kings...
Ah!
I saw it first!
You did not!
Will you let go of it,
you old bat!
(SHATTERING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh! Nothing.
(SIGHS)
Well, here, you can take it,
but the next clue is mine.
Tess, I've already checked the kitchen.
Smart girl.
And now, why don't you go and help Warfield
search the living room.
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
Mr. Warfield?
Mr. Warfield?
Well, so much for kings.
(LOUD BANGING)
Get out!
This is the only ship in the house
and it's mine!
Well, I just came in to see if you were
all right.
Well, close the door!
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(CLAUDETTE SCREAMS)
Claudette?
(SCREAMS)
Is there something wrong, Miss?
Well, Aunt Claudette
just disappeared.
Oh, she's been doing
that for years, Miss.
The first time was when she married
the Polish count.
And then she just dropped out of sight when she
met the Buenos Aires gentleman.
No, no, no. She just disappeared
from that room!
Hmm. Was there a gentleman with her?
(SIGHING)
Where is Uncle Manfred?
I think he's in the attic.
The attic?
Yes, he remembered the fine wood carvings
on the ceiling of the master bedroom and asked me
if we'd ever waxed them.
I told him, "Well, sometimes
we touched them up."
Then he just shouted,
"Ceiling wax!"
And ran up into the attic.
Will that be all, Miss?
Thank you.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
Stop! Don't move, girlie.
What have you done with Claudette
and Warfield?
What are you talking about?
I saw everything.
I left him in the drawing room.
He disappeared after
you had been in there.
The same thing happened to Claudette.
You're young,
but you're all Carstairs.
Did you realize that
I had solved the puzzle
and you came back to get me, too?
What?
Look at it.
It hasn't rung for years.
"And why the fun when time has run
"and stopped its tired fling."
I know the secret's in it somewhere.
Turn around.
What're you gonna do?
Just turn around.
(STAMMERING)
Well, can I please just tell you why I came here?
Tess?
Tess!
You're next, my dear.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
JAIME: The formula has got to be in this
crazy house somewhere.
Now, what have we got?
"And whether pigs have wings
"And why the fun when time has run..."
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
(GASPS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey! What...
Tracy, what are you doing?
There is a man behind that wall!
How unusual.
Well, not for this house, it isn't.
And by process of elimination,
it must be Barlow.
Barlow? Oh,
don't be ridiculous.
That lazy oaf wouldn't dare compete with...
Well, who else could it be?
You can't be in two places
at one time
and everyone else has disappeared.
Is it possible you could be right?
Tracy, I'm not one to share,
but there's a first time for everything.
For safety's sake, I think we'd better
cooperate.
What's on your mind?
What would you want if we found that
box together?
There is an envelope that's probably just among
his personal papers.
You may have all the rest.
What's so valuable about that envelope?
I am a philatelist.
A philate-what?
I'm a stamp collector.
Oh!
Do we have a deal?
Partners.
Let's pool our knowledge.
Hell, I took the attic apart.
There's nothing up there.
Okay. Claudette found
the only ship in the house.
So, I think that's a red herring.
And Warfield found the only thing that
looks like a king.
Now, I myself went through
the kitchens and there are no cabbages.
So, okay, maybe Tess was right.
Could it have anything
to do with that clock?
Oh, no. No, Cyrus would never hide it in as
obvious a place as that.
What time is it?
It's almost 8:00.
It's 8:00.
And kings on the chessboard!
Maybe that's the kind of king
he was talking about.
Could be.
What is that?
Is that supposed to be
light coming down through a window
or something?
Looks like it.
Okay, so we've got 8:00
and light.
Eight o'clock. Light coming through
a window...
Makes a chessboard on the floor!
What position is that king?
Uh. Queen three.
Okay, I don't know anything about chess.
Can you show me where...
Sure.
Stand on it, please?
There.
Is there anything down below there?
The old family burial crypt.
There's a stairway leading down to it
in the back hall.
This is about where queen's three would be.
We should be right under it.
Without the sun, time has stopped
for it, too.
Help me with this.
Okay.
(GRUNTING)
I'll get a crowbar.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
I got it!
Well, how did you...
JAIME: And here is
- Uncle Cyrus' box.
Well, look at that!
Well, we found it. Isn't that right,
partner?
Guess so.
Silly girl.
I was talking to my real partner.
The butler did it?
Well, actually,
we did it together.
I made an arrangement with Barlow before Cyrus
was even cold.
He caught Tess and Warfield
and I got poor Claudette...
And you.
What're you doing?
Did you think I'd settle for more scraps from
the Carstairs table?
The old man wanted to sell the formula
to the government,
but he got plenty of other offers
before he died,
so I made a deal for it.
They're waiting to hear from me now.
Barlow, remember your place.
Move.
Move!
Sir?
Huh.
Down to the end of the corridor.
Barlow, you horrid man!
Get us out of here.
I'll pay you back for this, Manfred!
I am suing everybody for every dime
in the estate!
Inside!
I suppose you realize this means you're
discharged!
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
(SIGHS)
This is Barlow, sir.
I have the goods.
MAN: (OVER RADIO) - Splendid. We'll be there
shortly, as agreed.
There's something else
you must do for me, too.
Yes, what is it?
Dispose of several persons.
My friend, for that formula
we'll do anything you want.
CLAUDETTE: It's all your fault, Manfred.
Completely and totally.
Triple damages! I am naming everyone
as accessories.
What do you mean, it's my fault?
Don't go blaming me for the servant problem.
You know, this looks awfully old.
It might break easily.
Oh, don't be stupid.
It's solid.
Cyrus and I found them
when we were kids.
They were the chains Lafitte held
his prisoners with.
We used to have lots of fun
tying up the governess with them.
Well, I still think a link or two might've
rusted through.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
However you did that,
I'm glad you're on my side.
Your side?
I just might need you,
but can I trust you?
You have my word of honor.
(LAUGHING)
Hmm.
That and 10 cents would get me a dime.
Don't be cruel, Tracy. There's a lot of Cyrus
in you.
Help me find Barlow.
Sure.
(YELLING)
Where's the envelope?
All right, so you've got the gun.
I'll search him.
No, you don't.
Well, then you give me the gun
and you search him.
No.
No.
Checkmate.
(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)
Well, that must be his contact.
Look, you Carstairs may be rotten, but these
people are really killers.
You treacherous scum. How much did they
offer you to betray me?
Ten million dollars.
Ten million dollars!
Really?
You did say 10 million dollars?
Manfred, come on, now, these people that
are coming here,
they're very dangerous.
Do you think that they know
what he looks like?
Could they possibly have met?
Oh, I can't see how.
Cyrus didn't give him
a day off in 30 years.
Okay. You and I are gonna take a chance.
Come on. Get up.
(SIGHING)
Ten million dollars.
(BLOWS)
Tracy, surely you're not going to leave us
here any longer?
Don't you owe us some loyalty?
Loyalty?
You were going to put me away.
Well, if you're going
to hold grudges.
Some people are like that,
always dwelling on the past.
I didn't do anything!
Don't you try and make me feel guilty,
any of you, because it's not going to work.
All right.
All right, I will.
But you had better do
exactly what I tell you.
Don't you trust us?
(MIMICKING TESS)
Oh, about as far as I can throw you.
No, I don't trust you that far.
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
Good day.
You're Barlow?
Yes, of course.
Where's the money?
It's deposited in the Swiss bank,
as per our agreement.
You'll get the number of the account when
we get the formula.
Very good.
Where are the people
you want taken care of?
They're waiting for you.
Call me a sensitive fool, but I just can't bear
to watch.
Excuse you, Man.
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Nice work, Manfred. I guess I was wrong
about you, after all.
Where'd he go?
He went out there.
Why should I be surprised!
(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)
Tracy! Oh, thank heaven
you're safe.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Tracy, to the shallow mind I know that this
looks incriminating,
but in deeper retrospect,
I'm sure you'll understand
my worry about you
and why I was rowing for help.
(CHUCKLES)
And so, Barlow and his contacts
are all in jail.
What's gonna happen to
the Carstairs fortune?
Well, it's up to the courts to decide,
of course,
but my guess is Tracy will get it all.
Tracy?
Yeah. Old man Cyrus left it to the smartest
Carstairs, right?
Yeah?
And it's a good argument
that the smartest Carstairs
wouldn't come within
1,000 miles of the place.
Amen.
And she got the OS! to have somebody go in
there and get it for her.
Smart girl. Not dumb.
Smart girl.
Here's to you, babe.
You did good.
I'll drink to that.
Oscar, (CHOKING)
they have escaped!
They're sitting down
right there behind us!
Uh, Jaime, I, um...
I've gotta tell you something.
I had to let them go.
Let them go?
Well, you see, the Carstairs wouldn't
testify against each other,
and since they did help you capture Barlow...
Well, yes, but...
Pardon.
The gentleman asked if he and his party
might join you?
No.
No, thank you very much.
You'd think after all
we've done for her,
she'd let bygones be bygones.
Oh, look at that outfit.
Glad she's going back
to the sideshow.
The silly girl, she just wants us to coax her into
accepting our apology.
Oh, very well.
Let's go.
Oscar, they're coming over here.
Those nuts are coming over here to this table
anyway.