The Big C (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 8 - Happy Birthday, Cancer - full transcript

- It's a wedding cake.
- Yep.

It's my birthday.

And instead of waiting to see
if anyone remembers to get me a cake,

I thought I'd get one for myself.

- You know what my favourite kind of cake is?
- Wedding cake.

Well, it's white cake
with butter cream frosting.

But for some reason, it always
tastes best as a wedding cake.

I'm trying not to worry about the fact that
Samantha and John never picked it up.

Here.

So what are you gonna do to celebrate,

besides eat 40 pounds of cake?



I don't know.

This could be my last birthday.

The anxiety of trying to decide
what to do is...

Killing you?

What's it feel like to be old, Marlene?

Feels like I'm wearing my skin like a sweater.

I got the paint for the back door, Marlene.

Why are you eating wedding cake?

Because either John or Samantha
got cold feet.

Adam, when you paint the door,

make sure that you put tape on the glass,
or you'll get paint on it.

Really, Mom?

Because I was just going to paint
right over the windows.

And make sure that you don't
get too much paint on the brush



or it'll drip down the door and look goopy.

Maybe you should just do it.

Is he a good kid, Marlene?
I just want him to be a good kid.

He's fine. You're the pain in the ass.

Hey.

Happy birthday to you!

- I love your dress.
- Thank you.

For you.

I saw this colour and thought of you.

It's perfect.

Ever since the beginning of the summer,
I've just been seeing colours more brightly.

Even when I'm sad,
it's like everything's just more vibrant.

Do not be sad today,
'cause today is your birthday.

I'm not sad now.

So, listen, I've decided to go to the Bahamas
to a friend's art opening.

There's a flight out tonight,
so I would love to spend the day with you.

How exotic!

Going to the Bahamas for an art opening.

Yeah, just for the weekend.

I want to go.

- What? Really?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- For my birthday, that's what I want to do.

Yeah. Just I haven't travelled enough.

In my 43 years, I'm always talking about
vacations I never take,

I shop for bathing suits I never buy.

Will you take me with you?

- Of course. Come on.
- Yes!

I'll pick you up in, what, a couple of hours?

We'll get something to eat. Pack light.

You.

Happy birthday.

Suits you. I like it.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

You got me.

Look at me. I'm 43.

Wow.

Well, this is so nice to see everybody.

Susan. Bill.

Marlene.

Everybody here in my house.

This is great. This is...

Wow, this is just great. Thank you.

And I want to say thank you, too.

Thank you, Cathy, for being born.

Since her birthday is in July,

she's a Cancer, a crab.

And Cathy can be a little crabby at times.

Especially in the morning
and whenever I chew my food.

But underneath that sometimes-hard
exterior shell

is a soft, warm, incredible person

whom this big Taurus bull
has been lucky to love

and will continue to
for the rest of our long lives.

Happy birthday, my little Cancer.

Well, ain't that a kick in the head.

Is this okay? I know we haven't been doing
a whole lot of partying recently

and I'm not saying it's gonna fix everything,

but I couldn't ignore your birthday.

And who doesn't love a surprise party, right?

Maybe you.

But we don't know till you get one.

It's very thoughtful, Paul.

You're out of toilet paper in the bathroom.

Do you have any napkins I could use?

Oh, my God!

I cannot believe I am seeing you.

Paul, you remember
I told you how Rebecca and I,

when we were college roommates,
instead of buying toilet paper,

we'd go to the ice cream store
below our apartment

and steal the napkins.

- That's a rough way to wipe.
- Yeah.

It's been forever. Are you still in Chicago?

- I'm still in Chicago.
- What are you doing here?

What do you mean what's she doing here?
She's your birthday present.

I was thinking about how much I'd gotten
out of the hours I spent talking to Angela,

my therapist,

and it made me think about the hours
that you two used to spend gabbing away.

So gab away, ladies!

Happy birthday.

Wow. It is great to see you.

It's surreal.

I am so sorry we haven't been in touch.

I can't even remember
what our falling out was about.

I'm sure it was my fault.

You didn't come to my wedding.

You met that guy three days before
and went camping.

It wouldn't have been so bad
if you weren't the maid of honour.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry. It was me.

Me and men, huh?

It's okay. It's been 15 years.
Doesn't sting any more.

Well, good.

Tell me everything.

I want to know everything about you
and what's going on with you.

So what is going on with you?

What is the biggest thing happening
in your life right now?

Nothing.

Would you excuse me just for one minute?

Sure.

You look so great.

Lenny, hey, it's Cathy. Call me back.

Or don't call me back.

But I don't think you should come over here,
because something has come...

Hello.

Lenny!

Hi. Welcome.

Hi. This is Lenny. He's an artist.

And this is my husband, Paul.

- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Lenny.

Lenny's an artist. I said that. Yeah.

He works at the school,
and I asked him to come over

and look at the upstairs hallway,

'cause I was thinking about
doing a mural up there.

I saw it on, you know, something that
I saw on one of those home shows.

Listen, I'm on my way out of town,
and I just thought, you know,

I've got a window of time.
I'll just come and take a quick look at it.

Come on in. It's Cathy's birthday.

Yeah, look at the walls.

Have a spring roll. Enjoy yourself.

No, I'll come back another time. You guys...

- It's a party, man.
- It's a surprise party.

- Come on in.
- All right, one drink. One drink.

I am freaking out, a lot of anxiety.

Don't freak out.
It's a party thrown just for you.

So have a couple of drinks.
Talk to your friends. Enjoy yourself.

What about the Bahamas?

I want to be on a beach

without my shirt on, no sunscreen,

sunning myself with wild abandon.

Do you see what happens when I try
and do something spontaneous?

- I get screwed out of it.
- Listen.

Our flight leaves late.

Okay? So maybe you can have it all.

These people are old. They don't party long.

You make sense.

You're a bad idea with a good head
on your shoulders.

See you out there.

Well, at least you're not a racist.

- What?
- I saw that little caress.

Very little gets past me.

So is that your lover?

Has that black cock been
inside your white vagina?

I'm gonna go have fun now.

Hey, happy birthday, Mrs Jamison.

Thank you, Brent.

Care for an appetizer?

What do we have there?

Dad ordered a bunch of stuff
from this Asian place

'cause you like Chinese food.

These are called bukkake.

Bukkake?

Yep. That's what they called them.

- I know. They're good, right?
- Yeah, they are.

And so are you guys.
You're being very sweet, Adam. Thank you.

You're so welcome, Mom.

- Bukkake, fresh bukkake.
- Fresh bukkake.

I'll have a bukkake.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

You look like you're getting younger,
not older.

So do you, Aunt Allison.

And you're so skinny. You could still shop
in the junior's department.

Everything's cheaper there.
Got this baby for 30 bucks.

What a deal.

Thank you so much for coming.

- I'm gonna go refill my glass.
- All right.

- Who's that?
- Paul's aunt.

- What's with her face?
- I know. It's terrible, she can't leave it alone.

You have so many friends here.

It makes me feel bad.
I don't know the people in your life any more.

They're not friends the way we were friends.

Co-workers of Paul's,
a lot of parents of Adam's friends.

I mean, Adam's unknowingly been
choosing my friends since he was two.

Well, I wouldn't know about that,
but how's about this for an old friend?

- I'm making "What the hell" shots.
- You're still making those?

Well, they're different every time.

I get so drunk, I forget what I put in them.

- What the hell!
- What the hell!

Hey, Mom, can I drink tonight?

No, you cannot.

Is that Adam?

Oh, my God.
I can't believe you have a teenager.

He's so handsome.

You know, he looks just as if
you and Paul had a baby.

We did.

Here's to babies.

- What the hell!
- What the hell!

- Lenny.
- Hey.

Lenny, help me out.
I cannot drink whisky alone.

I mean, I will if it's the last resort,
but then I'll hate myself for it.

Thank you. You got a nice house here, Paul.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Yeah.

It was a little beat up when we moved in,
but Cathy really whipped it into shape.

I mean, I'm a creative guy,
but I need a computer, you know?

I'm virtually creative. Cathy, true artist.

You know, albeit repressed, if you ask me.

Is that right?

I mean, she makes these cards for Adam,
our son,

first day of school, every year.

She, like, decorates them with puffy paint
and, like, does these little collages,

you know, with pictures and stuff.

I mean, what kind of person
takes that amount of time

to make somebody feel special, you know?

Yeah.

To be honest with you, we're going through
a bit of a rough patch right now.

But she's probably
the nicest person I ever met.

Here's to Cathy.

We spent an entire semester
designing tattoos.

And somehow, in our brilliance,
we came up with the idea

of getting this elegant cursive writing

- that said...
- "A pair of freaks"

- that we were both gonna get...
- Yeah.

...on our ass.
- Well, not really our ass.

- It was sort of the top of our bottom...
- We wanted to go to the same tattoo artist,

'cause we wanted them to look exactly

- the same.
- God, I still feel really bad about it.

So I went first, and when he finished mine,

this one starts crying and runs out.

Well, it just looked really painful.

And to this day, every time someone sees it,

and says, "A pair of freaks?
Who's the other freak?" I have to say,

"There isn't another one."
I am the whole pair of freaks!

And how many people would see that,
would you say?

A lot, Cath, a lot.

A lot of explaining.
Why do you keep looking at your watch?

You got somewhere to go,
besides middle age?

Wait a minute. I almost forgot.

Okay, don't think I'm nuts,
but when I was planning to come see you,

I got all nostalgic, and look what I found.

Oh, my God, you pack rat.

- Our '80s sunglasses.
- We, I mean, wore these.

- We wore them everywhere.
- We wore them to the Heart concert.

We thought we looked so hot.

And apparently, you did,
because you met that guy at the concert,

and then I had to get a ride back
to the campus with those sorority girls.

- I'm so sorry.
- The sorority girls,

- who I just recognised...
- I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, you should be sorry.
- I've been wondering all these years.

Did you get home okay?

- Yeah, thank you very much. What the hell.
- What the hell.

My rat bastard of a dad took off on my mom,
left her high and dry. Two kids to feed.

And I have never told
anybody but Cathy this,

I had to wear my sister's
hand-me-down pants to school.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah. She was a big girl,

- still is, but I mean, come on.
- That is cruel.

- Come on.
- That is cruel.

We didn't have enough money
to buy me a backpack for school.

- Really? What did you do?
- So my mother, bless her,

- she sent us to school with a suitcase.
- Really?

Yeah. Hand to God, me and my brother
were known as the suitcase kids.

Man, that's harsh.

- I don't have any black friends.
- You're just gonna go there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

No diversity in my workplace.

Who are we fucking kidding?
There's no diversity in Minnesota.

Dude, who are you telling?
Even my parents are white.

Really?

- No.
- No, they're not. That's very good.

- Karaoke!
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I haven't seen her enjoying herself so much
in a long time.

Yeah. Yeah, she looks really happy.

There you go.

Excellent.

Mom. Nice singing for two old ladies.

- I'll take that compliment.
- You hungry?

Spring rolls, shumai dumplings, bukkake?

Just one more bukkake,
and then you have to cut me off.

Will do, Mom.

Hey, you want some bukkake?

- What?
- Do you know what bukkake is?

It's a Asian puff pastry sort of thing.

What?

Bukkake is where a group of men
get together for the purposes

of pleasuring themselves
onto a woman's face.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Adam!

- Brent, home, Adam, up to your room.
- What? Why?

- You know why. I'll bukkake you.
- Gross.

Technically, you can't.

I mean it. Go!

Nice red leather shoes you're wearing.

Tell me, do you enjoy thinking about the cow
that was skinned to make them,

or do you just block that part out
for the sake of being fashion-forward?

Fuck you, man.

Curse words were invented
by people too stupid

to think of an intelligent response.

- You should print that on a T-shirt.
- Yeah, maybe I will, Rebecca.

Maybe I will.

Oh, my fucking God. Sean.

Last time I saw you, you had traded in
your hiking boots for a pair of Bruno Maglis

and were pulling in a very healthy income.

Ironically, income is one of the most
unhealthy things there is. It starts the cycle.

So in other words,
your short stint in the care facility

and your subsequent stab at civilisation
didn't take?

Not so much. And what about you?

Just getting old and angry,
trying to squeeze into clothes

meant for a woman half your age,
but not willing to change your style

until one of your one-night stands pays off?

Here's hoping.

So, what law firm
thought you were a good idea?

Not law firm, sassy. Pharmaceutical sales.

You're a drug pusher?

- You do know me.
- Yeah, you're the reason

nine-year-old girls are getting boobs.

And the reason nine-year-old boys
are thanking me.

You really have no conscience, do you?

Look, I have a job
that is questionable at best,

but they pay me very well.

And since I have no husband
and no children to be responsible for,

I pay for my father's nursing home care.

And I donate 20% of my income to charity.

My dime could be the last dime needed
to help cure cancer.

I'd still argue you're as bad as you are good.

I'd argue that, too.

You looked like you were
having a pretty good time earlier.

Yeah. And I think you're right.
I can have it all.

So we're gonna do the cake,
and then I'm gonna shoo everybody away,

and then I'm gonna send Adam
over to Paul's.

I feel like I'm in college
when I didn't worry about consequences.

Cathy, I'm gonna go.

Now?
You want me to meet you at the airport?

I like Paul.

- He's very likable.
- Yeah. He's funny, charming.

If you take Paul to the Bahamas,
I'm gonna be very jealous.

Look, I don't know anything about marriage.

I almost know nothing about yours.
What went wrong or why?

But you must have
seen something in him once.

Yeah. He made me laugh.
He was a great dancer.

- And he threw a great party for you.
- Yeah.

He was bragging
about the cake that he got for me,

chocolate with raspberry filling.
My favourite, he said.

- It's thoughtful.
- Yeah.

Except it's his favourite.

Now, is that because I never said out loud
what my favourite cake was

or because he didn't listen when I said it?

I don't know, Lenny.

- I don't know.
- I don't know, either.

Look, I'm not big on giving people advice

especially when it butts up against
my own happiness,

but maybe you should spend a little time
making sure that I'm your best move.

And if you decide that I am, you call me.

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

And thank you, Paul.

I mean, I didn't know it,
but I really needed this.

And you have made me very happy today,

which is a really big deal
because I have to tell you something.

I've just realised I haven't been happy.

I mean, really,

really truly happy in a long time, in years.

I mean, in, like, 20 years,
because I remember, I was happy.

I was happy when Rebecca and I,

when we broke into that ice cream store
in college in the middle of the night,

and we took pictures of each other
in our bras eating ice cream.

I don't know what is it about college

that makes you want
to take your shirt off all the time?

So even though I have my shirt,
I mean, my dress on,

I'm as happy now as I was then.

So thank you. Thank you.

I don't even care, dude. It was worth it.
We had, like, everyone saying it.

I mean, they're still eating it.

"Bukkake, yum, yum."

Wait. Can I call you back?

Marlene?

Marlene, what are you doing?

I'm looking for my damn house.

I think one of those big trucks
must have picked up the whole damn house

and drove off with it.

Come on.

Bill, Susan, thank you so much for coming.
Here, have a gift.

No, take it. It's all yours. Enjoy.

Aunt Allison, thank you so much for coming.

Good-bye, sweetheart.
I'd say a great time was had by all.

It's a privilege to grow old.

Here.

Thanks for coming.

- Adam.
- Mom, I know I'm grounded.

I'm gonna walk Marlene home.

That's nice. Okay.

Happy birthday, Mom. Love you.

Thank you, Adam. You're a good kid.

You haven't been happy for 20 years?

No, I was exaggerating.

- Is that what I said?
- That's what you said.

That's basically
the entire time you've known me.

I don't know how to not take that personally.

I mean, if there's a straw for me to grasp at,
I'll grasp at it.

Hell, that's what I've been doing
for the last two months.

- Paul, how much have you been drinking?
- Not enough.

When you kicked me out of the house
for pissing on the lawn,

I never should have sobered up.
I definitely should've never left my house.

This is my house, by the way.
It's my fucking house.

I thought it was our house.

I thought it was our dream house,
but I guess I'm the only one dreaming,

because it's all a big
fucking nightmare for you.

You know what? You should've moved out!

'Cause this is my house,
this is my fucking fan.

If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands

Not you, Cathy. You don't clap.

- Paul...
- You know what else?

This is my fork, and I miss my fork.
Hello, fork, how you doing?

Look, it's my balloons.
My fork, meet my balloons.

How you doing? Nice to see you. What's up?
Merry Christmas. Nice to meet you.

Fuck you. Kiss my ass. Suck my dick.
Fuck you.

Rebecca.

Oh, my God. Cathy.

It's not a good time to do laundry, Sis.

I'm so sorry.

It's me. I'm coming with you.