The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Helium Insufficiency - full transcript

SHELDON:
Leonard...

I've got terrible news.

What's going on?

Before I tell you,

perhaps I should
soften the blow.

You're face
is pleasingly symmetrical.

Just tell me.

A Swedish team of physicists

is trying to scoop our super-
fluid vortex experiment.

Oh, well, that kind of stinks.

"That kind of stinks"?



Why aren't you more upset?

Did I soften the blow too much?

Because this here is more
like a Picasso painting.

What are we going to do?

Perform the experiment
immediately.

I'd love to,
but we need liquid helium

and our shipment's
on back order for a month.

A month? What?
Are you kidding me?

That would have been a good time
for you to soften the blow.

That shirt brings out
the blue in your eyes.

Thank you.
Aren't you sweet.

Let's go check to see
if the university

has any helium in reserve.

Did you know that I almost
didn't wear this shirt today?



Hey, Barry, we're in trouble.

We need liquid helium-- does the
department have any we can use?

Sorry, there's a shortage.

And what we do have I need for
my quantum excitation study.

But you won't
need much for that.

True, but if it's successful,

I'm having a party
with balloons.

Come on, Barry,
there's a Swedish team

trying to run our
experiment before us.

Can't you spare any?

Be honest-- if the shoe
was on the other foot,

would you do this for me?

Yes.
No chance.

What are you doing?

He said be honest,
so I was honest.

Didn't your mother tell you?
It's the best policy.

So, what do you say?

Hell no.

He could've
softened the blow.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

Why do you need Kripke?

Why don't you just go
to Party City for helium?

We'd have to go to every
Party City in California.

Sounds like you
on Cinco de Mayo.

Hey, people were still
talking about that party

on siete de Mayo.

Leonard, if that
Swedish team beats us,

I will never be able to enjoy

anything from
their country again.

Which is a shame,
because Swedish meatballs

are my favorite
toothpick-delivered meatball.

If you need liquid helium
so bad, I know a guy

who can get you some, if you
don't ask too many questions.

Who is he?
Where does he work?

How does he
get the helium?

How many questions
are too many questions?

Maybe he's not for you.

Four questions.
There answer's four.

Hey, you know
who went out

on a date the other
night? Stuart.

Oh, good for him.

I thought so, too.

So is she, like, homeless,
or framing him for a crime?

He's using some kind
of dating app on his phone.

Oh, which one?

Maybe we can get Amy to try it.

I don't know.

Stuart, can you come in here?

He tried to explain it to me.

It shows you pictures
of people nearby,

you swipe them around,
it looks kind of like a game.

Oh, and if you lose the game,
you have to go out with Stuart.

What's up?

Can you show us that dating app?

Oh, yeah, sure.

This thing has changed my life.

Wow. So how many
girls have you met?

Two.

I probably don't need to mention

there's an entire number
between that and zero.

Well, so how
does it work?

Uh, well, it-it shows me all

the single women
in a five-mile radius

who are using the app.

If I like the way they look,
I hit "thumbs up."

If I don't, "thumbs down."

Oh, what would make you
give a girl a thumbs down?

First time it happens
I will let you know.

Oh, hey. I just heard back
from the liquid helium guy.

What's he say?

He's got what we need
and can meet us tonight.

Oh, really?

You know I don't like
buying things at night.

January 7, 2009.

I went to the Ralph's
at 11:30pm to pick up

Cracklin' Oat Bran for the
morning and what did I see?

The man restocking
the cereal shelves.

That's right.
And what did he do?

He handed you the box directly
and called you Stretch.

(shudders)

It's like it was yesterday.

Do you want
liquid helium or not?

Of course I do.

I don't want that
Swedish team scooping us.

Then I'm going
to tell him we're in.

Leonard, wait.
This is highly unethical.

We're just bending
the rules a little.

We have grant money
to do the experiment,

so we're going to spend it
on the helium we need.

It's not like when Dr. Goldfarb

claimed he bought
an electron microscope

and he was really just keeping

a Russian girl
in an apartment in Van Nuys.

Was she helping him
with his research?

Sure.

So, are we doing this?

Okay, but where
does he get the helium?

Remember?
Don't ask too many questions?

Uh, but this is
violating university code.

A little, but...
(stammers)

if I may quote Einstein,

"The pursuit of science calls us

to ignore the rules set by man."

Huh.

All right, do it.

Tell him we're in.

(Leonard typing rapidly)

Done.

I can't find that quote
on the Internet.

Did you make that up?

Before I answer,

may I just say your skin
has never looked better.

Aren't you just made of sugar.

I'm not sure
how I feel about this.

Oh, come on, just let him
put the app on your phone.

Yeah, Stuart got
two dates with it.

One of which would've ended
in sex had she not said no.

Okay, all set.

Okay, let me see.
(clears her throat)

Nope, nope,

nope...

Oh, he's cute!

Doesn't a teardrop tattoo

mean he murdered someone?

And he's sad about it.

Hey.
Hello.

Hey.
Hey, I thought
you were gonna be out late?

If you wanted me
to stay out later,

you should've given me
more spending money.

What are you guys up to?

We put Amy on a dating app,

and we're seeing
what's out there.

Oh, fun!
Let me see.

Uh, no...

no, uh, definitely not.

What was wrong
with that guy?

Uh, he's Indian.

We've already got one of those.

Ooh, we should
find a nice Latino.

It really round us out.

Hey, I want to try.

Uh, excuse me,
c-can I have my phone back?

Hang on, I'm trying
to find you

the next great
love of your life.

The man who will
father your children.

Okay, yes or no on white
guy with dreadlocks?

(all clamoring)

That must be him.

SHELDON:
Oh, of course.

An nondescript,
white panel van.

You may be familiar with
it from the sentence:

"Their bodies were found in a
nondescript, white panel van."

(doors close)

Hey.

What's up?

Uh, I'm Leonard.

This is my friend--
I'm Skippy.

Skippy Cavanaugh.

Great.

You got the cash?

Uh, yeah, uh,
right here.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

How do we know
that you're not gonna

take the money
and drive away?

What ya doing, Skippy?

Exactly what 1970s television
crime dramas have taught us.

You give us the helium first.

Oh, how do I know
you're not gonna

drive away without paying me?

Guess I'm not the only one

who watches '70s television
crime dramas.

Look, you can trust us.

We're respected scientists.

Well, he is.

I'm a wedding planner,

who can't find love himself.

It's ironic, but the point is

we can't trust you.

You're a sketchy character
in a parking garage.

Yeah, well,
from my perspective,

that's how you two appear to me.

Well, I never thought
of it like that.

Boy, frame of reference will
just sneak up on you, won't it?

My friend does make a decent
point about the money.

I don't feel comfortable
just handing it over up front.

Ah-ah-ah, no money, no helium.

Seems we're at a, uh, stalemate.

Not technically.

In chess, a stalemate
refers to a situation

in which there
are no remaining moves.

Uh, you have plenty
of moves available.

You could beat us up
and steal the money.

You could kill us,
you know.

Really, you're only limited
by your imagination.

Huh.

All these years,
I've been using "stalemate,"

when I really mean "impasse."

I feel foolish.

I don't think it matters
if this is a stalemate

or an impasse
or a Mexican standoff.

What are we gonna do here?

Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it be
a Mexican standoff?

Everybody knows you need
three sides for that.

Not necessarily.

Uh, many argue the essence
of a Mexican standoff

is that no one can walk
away from the conflict

without incurring harm.

Hmm, I don't follow.

Let me give you an example.

Earlier today,

I decoded the headers
on your e-mail,

and I know that your name is
Kenneth Fitzgerald.

From that, I figured out where
you live and where you work.

Now, to make this
a Mexican standoff,

I would say something like, uh,

"You give us the helium or I'll
turn you in to the authorities."

Is that a threat?

Yeah, exactly.
See, you're getting it.

Yeah, well, I know
where you work, all right?

And if you mess with me,
I'll report you,

then I'll pound your asses
into the ground.

Perfect! Now we really are
in a Mexican standoff.

Is this one of those times

where I've won the battle
but lost the war?

Afraid so, Skippy.

I told you we shouldn't
go shopping at night.

All right, let's
all just calm down.

Nobody wants to
report anybody.

No, I don't like this.
I'm out.

No, no, no. Wait, don't go.

Just let me explain.

We're physicists,
and we're trying to prove

a hypothesis that we've been
working on for over a year.

Really? What's the hypothesis?

Space-time can be interpreted as

the surface of
an n-dimensional superfluid.

Hmm. Could be, could be.

Go on.

Okay, but now there's this
Swedish team that read our paper

and they're trying to beat us
to our own discovery.

We really need this helium.

And I'm sorry
I lied about

being a wedding planner
who can't find love.

Although I am currently
single, if you know anybody.

Here's the money.
Can we do this?

Okay.

It's a shame about those
scientists ripping you off.

I expected a higher
ethical standard

from our friends in Sweden.

It's actually pretty common
in our field.

Not much you can do about it.

Well, for the right
amount of money,

if you know where they live,

there's, uh, plenty
we could do about it.

Did you hear
that, Leonard?

There's plenty we
could do about it.

Do you have a card?

Okay, here we go.

Now everyone can see.

All right.
(clears throat)

Where do we stand
on cross-eyed Mike?

You know he won't be
looking at other girls.

Unless they're sitting
on the end of his nose.

Okay, okay, okay.
Thumbs down.

Next.

Ew, check out
his tiny teeth.

He looks like
a man-dolphin.

Wait, if he's good in bed,
she can throw him a fish.

(high-pitched):
I love you, Amy.

(squeaking)

Okay, I'm starting
to feel guilty.

Aren't we being a little mean?

That's a fair point.

We wouldn't make fun of someone
like this to their face.

Look, it's Stuart!

You may want
to leave the room.

SHELDON:
Right this way, Uncle Harvey.

Will you stop with that already?

I'm trying
not to attract attention.

And tipping his hat to the
cleaning lady didn't do that?

She said, "Buenas noches."
What was he supposed to do?

Let's just start
the experiment.

Leonard, we should probably
have our story straight

in case we get caught.

We're not getting caught.

Well, you can't be sure of that.

What if the helium dealer
rats us out?

What if Kripke asks
where we got it?

What if the university
checks my family tree

and finds out
I don't have an Uncle Harvey?

The dealer doesn't care,
Kripke has no authority over us,

and you being related
to a metal container

would explain a lot.

Help me hook this up.

Uh-oh.
What?

Well, did you see
this sticker?
What is it?

It's partially torn off, but
the segment that remains reads:

"Property of"
and the letter "U."

It's probably USC or UCLA.

Yeah, but what if it's
"Property of U.S. Government"?

There's a national helium
reserve in Amarillo, Texas.

If this was stolen from there,

we're accessories
to a federal crime.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

A lot of things start with "U."

That's true.

There's the U.S. Air Force,

U.S. Department of Defense,
U.S. Navy,

"you" and I
are going to jail.

Listen, we can
do the experiment as planned

and beat the Swedish team
to the punch,

or we can kiss our dreams
good-bye because we were

to afraid to break a few rules.

Ma'am.

Okay, does everyone
remember the rules?

If he's shirtless, one sip.

Posing with a pet, two sips.

Pet and shirtless,
chug like it's your job.

And pull!

I have that
same underwear!

Chug!

(phone chimes)

Mm, Amy,
you're getting a text.

Oh, um, give me that.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
"I had a great time last night."

No, no, st-stop reading that.

Who's Dave?
I...

You went on a date last night?

Are you seeing someone?

No, it-it's not like that.

(phone chimes)

"And I'd love to take you
out again"?

Amy!
What?

Can't believe it.
Oh, my God.

Okay, it's like that.

Thank you for coming back.

Yeah, well, normally I wouldn't,

but my daughter's having
a sleepover, and there's only

so much screaming and Katy Perry
a man can take.

Anyway, if you could just
give us our money back,

you can have your helium
and we'll be on our way.

Yeah, well, is there
something wrong with it?

No, nothing.
We just changed our mind.

He has glasses and
I'm a know-it-all;

we are not built
for prison.

Yeah, I hear you.

Well, you're good guys,
so I'll, uh...

I'll take the helium
off your hands.

Thank you.

But you ain't getting
your money back.

You're taking advantage of us?

We clarified nomenclature
together.

Look, I enjoy
semantic digressions

as much as the next guy,
but, uh, this is business.

You know what?

It's fine.
Keep the money.

We just want to be
done with this.

No problem, but I am
gonna have to charge you

a small helium restocking fee.

I don't understand.

He wants more money.

Well, it better not be more than
a thousand dollars;

that's all I've got on me.

That's exactly how much it is.

Finally,

something breaks our way.

I can't believe
you're seeing someone

and we don't even know about it.

Yeah, why wouldn't
you tell us?

Because it's new and weird

and I'm just trying
to figure it all out.

And I knew

if I told you guys
I had been out

with a few people that you'd get
way too excited about it.

A few people?

What?!
Amy!
Amy!

So, are we allowed to ask
how it's going?

It's going fine.

It's mostly just been
meeting people for coffee.

Wha...?!

I thought we
were all...

Never mind.

I-I thought you
weren't ready

to start seeing people.

Well, I don't have
much experience dating,

so I decided
it would be good for me

to, you know,
get out there a little.

Well, good for you.

Thank you.

And how many guys
have you gone out with?

Please be less than two.

Three.
Damn it.

Well, the Swedes
might beat us,

but at least we won't get
gang-noogied in prison.

Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only
prison movie you've seen?

It scared me straight, Leonard.

(knock on door)

Hey, I've been thinking.

I was being petty.

You can have my helium.

Thank you, Barry.

But you have to add my name
to your paper.

That's preposterous.

I don't know, seems fair.

You can't do it without me.

Can you give us a minute?

Take your time.

I'll walk out backwards
for dramatic effect.

I don't like
being extorted like this.

Especially by him of all people.

Me neither, but what
other choice do we have?

I promise this is the last time.

It says right here
on Wikipedia.

"A Mexican standoff is
a confrontation between

at least three parties."

How can you trust Wikipedia

if they use "between"
to refer to three parties?

They should've used
"among," right?

Or "amongst," if they were
feeling whimsically archaic.

All right,
enough with the chitchat.

Are we gonna watch
Ernest Goes to Jail or not?

Absolutely.

But don't be surprised
if this movie sets you

on the straight and narrow.

I am open to change.