The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - The Perspiration Implementation - full transcript

Hey, ready for lunch?
Oh, one sec.

Is that the prototype drive
system for the high-G rover?

No, Bernadette
got me a Fitbit

so she can track
how much I'm exercising.

That'll teach her to care
about your health.

I can't wait to see the look
on her face when I die young.

When was the last actual
exercise you got?

The other day, when

she tried to put that Fitbit
on me and I ran away from her.

According to a recent study,

simply thinking about exercise,
even while sitting still,



can have physical benefits.

For all you know,
I could be exercising right now.

Are you?
Eh, I'll do it tomorrow.

It wouldn't be the worst thing

if we were more active.

Oh. You make
an excellent point.

Ooh, I think
I'm getting a runner's high!

Look at all these activities
the university has.

Rock climbing club,
archery, flag football.

Had me at flag,
lost me at football.

Yeah, I think it's great you
guys want to get more exercise,

but do you really think sports
is the right choice for you?

What are you saying?
We're not coordinated enough

to play sports?



Okay, Leonard, sweetheart,

you twisted your ankle
playing Scrabble.

I got a triple-word score

with a double letter "Q."
If that's not a time

to bust out the Scrabble dance,
what's the point of having one?

Hey, Barry Kripke
started a fencing club.

Interesting. Sword fighting does
hold a certain elegant appeal.

And I would imagine
it meets many

of our personal criteria
for a sport.

It's indoors, so no sunscreen.

No throwing, no catching,

no running.

No gym shorts
that can be yanked down.

Or worse, up.

Preach.

And as
an added bonus,

the word "touché" comes
from fencing.

It would be our only opportunity
to use it

in a non-metaphorical sense.

What about a game of tag
on a French schoolyard?

Ah, touché.

Thanks for coming by.

Sure. So how can we help?

Well, I know
more women are

buying comics than ever,
but for some reason,

I-I can't get
'em in here.

All right, well,
what have you tried so far?

Uh, I've-I've been stocking
more female-oriented titles.

Uh, in the bathroom, I folded
the end of the toilet paper

into a triangle.

And,
uh,

you are now sitting
in the official

breastfeeding area.

Really? In a comic book store?
Oh,

don't worry. I-I've got
a camera right up here,

so I could watch
from the counter

and make sure guys
aren't being pervs.

Anyway,

so what do I got to do to-to

get you in
the door?

Well, for starters,

you might want to rethink
some of this artwork.

I mean, this woman's
actually on a leash like a dog.

Well, you don't know
the backstory.

Maybe she kept jumping up
on the couch.

I feel cool.

Like Puss in Boots.

I always wanted to be
a swashbuckler when I was a kid.

Technically,

"swashbuckler" is a combination
of two terms.

"Swash" referring to the sound
of the sword.

Swash.

And
then

"buckler" meaning a small
shield, which you don't have.

We can still be swashers.
Hmm.

Well said, Puss.

Gentlemen, welcome
to the fencing club.

Before we start, I just want to
warn you, fencing isn't a joke.

I hope you're not here because
you think it's going to be

like Star Wars.

That's not why we're here.

Yeah, I'm here
because I think

it's gonna be like
Game of Thrones.

And maybe
a little Princess Bride.

Ooh, ooh! I forgot
about Princess Bride!

That's my answer!

Well, sorry to disappoint you,
but fencing is a serious sport.

If you're not willing
to put in the effort,

you might as well just leave
now.

We're not afraid of physical activity.
Yeah.

I already ran 18 miles today.

All right. Let's begin
with some fundamentals.

This is the en
garde position.

Feet are in an "L."
Heels in a straight line.

Elbow is
about a fist

from the rib cage.

Notice my dominant
leg faces forward.

Oh, dear.

What's wrong, Cooper?

Well, I'm not sure
I have a dominant leg.

They're both pretty submissive.

When you're in a
public restroom,

which foot do you
flush the toilet with?

Right. Always right.

He's a righty.

Okay,

show me en garde.

Good. Knees bent,

slightly over the toe.

Non-sword hand up for balance.

I am going
to feel this tomorrow.

The first move
is called an advance.

You move your front foot
forward, heel to toe.

Back foot
follows.

So front foot forward,
heel to toe.

Back foot follows.

Now you try. Advance.

And advance.
And advance.

This is easy.
I didn't need to wear a cup.

Good.

The next move is called
a retreat.

Step back.

Back foot first, toe to heel.

Front foot follows.

On three.

Excuse me, Barry?
Yes.

When can I stab
one of my friends?

In fencing,
we don't call it a stab.

We call it a touch.
Uh, yes, I'm aware.

But if I say I want
to touch one of my friends,

I'll get called
into Human Resources.

Okay, on three,

Cooper and Koothrappali advance,
the other two retreat.

One, two, three.

Very good. Switch it up.

One, two, three.

Switch again.
One, two, three.

Excuse me.

Can I call you back?

No, I'm teaching
a class.

Sure.
Sure.

An hour,
tops.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay.
Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

And one,
two, three.

Have you thought about
advertising directly to females?

Hmm, okay.

Well... All right.

What if I put up a sign
in the window that said,

"Women, come in.

Don't be afraid."

Hey.

Uh, have you read the online
reviews for this place?

Eh,

the Internet's so negative.

I try to avoid it.

All right, well,
Heather H. says,

"The owner stared at me
the whole time

and didn't blink once."

Kelly M. says,

"The creepy guy who runs it
asked me out,

then called himself stupid
before I could say no."

Jessica K.
says,

"I told the weird owner
that I liked his shirt.

He took it off
and gave it to me."

See? Negative.

With your foil extended,

kick your front leg up and
push off with your back leg.

Now you try.

And
again.

And again.

Look at us! We're
like the Rockettes!

En garde,
Leonard.

Prepare yourself
for a rigorous touching.

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

My name

is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my
father. Prepare

to die.

I thought
you were Puss in Boots.

Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.

My name is Puss in Boots.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

I'm looking forward to him
teaching us glove-slapping.

What?

You know, when my
honor is insulted,

and I need to challenge
someone to a duel

by slapping them across
the face with my glove.

When was your honor insulted?

My last physical.

Again, that doctor
didn't insult your honor.

Just checked your prostate.

My name is Little
Orphan Annie.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

My name is Darth Vader.

I am your father. Ah!

This is fun.
Good.

It's nice
to see your mind off Amy.

What's going on with Amy?

Not that it's any
of your business,

but she broke up with me.

Really?

Good to know.

"Good to know"?

What's that supposed to mean?
Oh.

I hate to say it, but it sounds
like he's interested in her.

Well, that's unacceptable.

Oh, buddy, I get
that you don't like it,

but it's not
really up to you.

Yeah, but he's dumb,
and his face is dumb.

Look, even if it's not him,

Amy's probably going
to date someone at some point.

You really think so?

Of course.
She deserves to be happy.

How dare you!

Listen, I should warn you

that maybe asking Amy out
isn't a good idea.

Barry, a word?

And now the crazy version
of what I just said.

If you intend to pursue Amy,

you leave me with no choice
but to put a stop to it.

And how are you gonna do that?

By challenging you to a duel.

You've had one lesson.
I'll destroy you.

That is why
the duel will take place

at high noon,
three years from today.

If you're worth your salt
as an instructor,

I should be ready by then.

Yeah, and be warned.

I'm going to touch you all over.

Wow. That-that was crazier
than I thought.

All right,
I'm not saying

it's true, but let's-let's
consider for a moment

that possibly I'm the problem.
Yeah.

You are.
You can say it.

Okay, fine. What...?

I mean, what
can I do?

I get so nervous
around women.

Well, you're talking
to us now.

I mean, you don't seem nervous.

Well, that's
'cause I'm doing that trick

where you imagine
the audience is naked.

By the way, thumbs up, ladies.

Do you not hear
how creepy that sounds?

It was a joke.

Was it?

No, I'm still doing it.

Okay.

Don't be offended, but...

what went wrong with you?

I-I guess I assumed
at this point in my life,

I would be married
or in a relationship,

or even have a pet

that didn't run away
or kill itself.

That really happened?

I mean, I can't say for sure,
but I swear

that rabbit looked me
right in the eye

before it hopped
in front of that car.

Anyway,

the longer I'm alone,
the more desperate I get.

Stuart, believe it or not,
I understand.

You know, before I met Sheldon,

I was alone
for a really long time.

I was so desperate

for people to like me,
when I met these guys,

it took everything in my power
to hide my insecurity.

Okay, we're all feeling it.

Yes, I'll go out with you.

Suddenly, the rabbit thing
makes sense.

I'm surprised you wanted to go
to a sports bar, Sheldon.

Look at this blister.

Like it or not,
we're athletes now.

Besides, a bar is
where I belong.

I'm having female problems.

If you're cranky and retaining
water, I have a theory.

Sheldon, instead of focusing
on Amy dating other guys,

maybe you should start thinking
about dating another girl.

That's ridiculous.

Why? You never thought

you'd end up in a relationship,

and then you met Amy.

Maybe there's someone else
out there for you.

True, but Penny's married,
and so is Bernadette.

And your girlfriend has
red hair and white skin,

which really rubs up
against my clown phobia.

Maybe you should consider women

who aren't
in serious relationships

with your closest friends?

There's that prostate doctor,
but I'm still mad at her.

Oh, there's a woman.

Oh, I'll make her my girlfriend.

Whoa, whoa.

Walking up to a strange woman
in a bar usually doesn't work.

You're forgetting something.

Ladies love jocks.

How many sips
of that beer did he have?

Three.
Oh, boy.

Excuse me. I'm recovering
from a recent breakup,

and I'm told asking out another
woman might make me feel better.

And as Ash Ketchum said
to Pikachu, "I choose you."

What?

It's a Pokémon reference.

I don't know what that means.

Well, we gave it a shot.

How about you?

I'm married,
and I'm her grandmother.

Ah, what might have been.

And you, give my regards
to Barnum and Bailey.

Stuart took that rejection
like a pro.

Well, he knew
he was on the breast cam.

I don't have much practice
turning men down.

It wasn't so much fun.

Oh, you get used to it.

Some guys you have
to turn down over and over.

And sometimes
we marry them anyway.

Huh.

Well, this is weird.

What?
Barry Kripke just asked me out.

Oh.

Look at you--
two guys in one day!

I told you things would change
if you plucked your eyebrows!

What did he say?

"Hi, how are you?
I was wondering

if you'd like to get a drink
after work sometime."

Well, what are
you gonna do?

I don't know.

I guess I assumed that I would
eventually date other people,

but this is happening so fast.

What can it hurt?

Well, I was hoping the
next person I dated

would be a little
less like Sheldon.

You mean, not a scientist?

I think she means not a weirdo.

Are you attracted
to him?

I don't know.

All right, well, what happens
if you imagine him naked?

Oh, I don't have to imagine it.

I smell funny.

I taste salty.

You're just sweaty
from exercise.

And kind of delicious.

I wonder how many licks it would
take to get to the center of me.

I know it only takes
one doctor's finger.

Hello.

Hello.

We should let
you guys talk.

Yeah.

You don't have to leave.

Look at me go!

Uh, Bernadette,
you're my ride.

Walk!

How have you been?

I'm doing all right.

I tried fencing today.

How'd that go?

It was pretty easy.

And I think my background
in "mathletics" helped.

Barry Kripke was there.

I should let you know

that he expressed interest
in asking you out.

Well, actually,
he-he already did.

Okay.

But don't get
too attached to him.

In two years, 364 days,
he's a dead man.

I said no.

Interesting.

I asked two women out today,
and they both said no.

I didn't know you
were interested in dating.

I've been told
it's a good way to move on.

Oh.

Okay.

Anyway, um,
it's nice to see you.

You look good.

Mmm, thanks.

And I taste good too.

Howie?

What's up?

Why does your Fitbit say
you ran 174 miles yesterday?