The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - The Separation Oscillation - full transcript

Why are you up?
How am I supposed to sleep?
I've been married less than 24 hours,
and my wife isn't speaking to me.
Perhaps you can think of this in a more positive light.
In one day, you've managed to do
what it takes many couples decades to achieve.
(knocking on door)
Hi.
Hey.
You couldn't sleep either?
Of course not.
Me neither.
But I just had a tickle in my throat.
Not profound marital problems.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Please, tell me how I can fix it.
Glad you asked.
As I see it, there's a simple solution.
Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman.
It seems only logical that
to restore balance to the relationship,
you should find another man and dally with him.
And by dally, I mean some hardcore
mouth-on-mouth action.
Okay, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Actually, I think he's onto something.
Y-You can't be serious.
'Cause I messed up and made out with a girl,
you're gonna do the same with a random guy?
I'm currently single.
That's true. You are.
What is happening?!
I will tell you what is happening.
I am saving my best friend's marriage.
(gasps)
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
(Skype ringing)
Sheldon, I don't think you understand
how being broken up works.
The only way I can sort through my feelings
is if there is space between us.
Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me.
I go through the pain all over again.
Well, hello to you, too.
What do you want?
I understand we're no longer a couple,
but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.
What baby?
A precocious little Internet show
known as "Fun With Flags."
I'm hanging up.
Great. See you in about half an hour.
Sheldon, I am not doing "Fun With Flags" with you.
Why not?
Because we're broken up.
Sonny and Cher made it work.
Their variety show kept going
long after the divorce,
and here we are still talking about them.
No one's talking about Sonny and Cher.
You must be thinking about Donny and Marie,
'cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.
Sheldon, this has to stop.
I know it's hard.
It's hard for me, too.
But I've seen and talked to you more
in the two days we've been broken up
than in the last two months that we were together.
Well, if you want to see less of me,
maybe we should go out again.
I can't believe you made out with Mandy Chao.
Trust me, I wish it never happened.
And you knew about this this whole time?
I did.
And you didn't think to tell me?
Leonard asked me to keep it to myself.
Let's leave Leonard out of this for the moment.
This is about you and me.
Wait, wait, wait, how is my day-old marriage falling apart
becoming about you two?
Hang on.
What do I need to do to make you trust me?
You think it's hard having one wife,
try having two.
I bet you told Bernadette
all about he was screwing around with Mandy Chao.
Oh, we didn't screw around.
We just got drunk and made out.
Whatever. It would have been nice to hear it from you.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to return your belongings.
That's what people who've broken up do.
And you didn't do your compulsive knocking ritual
so I would open the door.
On the contrary,
you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities.
We're not friends with benefits.
Just give me the box.
W-Wait. Don't you want to go through it
to make sure I haven't forgotten anything?
Fine.
My old scarf.
You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?
You mean the night that I went ice-skating,
and you stood at the rail
Googling the symptoms of hypothermia?
We made one heck of a team, huh?
Whose bra is this?
It's not yours?
Oh, my.
How embarrassing for both of us.
It's Penny's.
Hey, you broke up with me.
It is none of your business
whose naked bosom I'm smooshing around like pizza dough.
Good-bye.
Amy.
Amy. Amy.
(sighs)
Hmm. Tables work, too.
Good to know.
Ooh, brownies for girls' night!
Hands off. I'm mad at you.
(sighs)
Look, I know it's a lot of money,
but the guy at the store said
in five to seven years, it'll pay for itself.
What will pay for itself?
Doesn't matter. What are you mad about?
I'm mad at you for blabbing to me
what Leonard did on the North Sea,
and I'm mad that I've had to hide this
from Penny for two years.
And you have every right to be mad about those things.
So, why don't you let me
handle the credit card bill this month, huh?
I mean, don't even look at it.
I mean, if Penny finds out I've known all this time
and haven't told her,
she's gonna think I'm a terrible friend.
I wish you never told me.
And I wish Leonard never told me.
He's the bad guy here.
I guess that's true.
And you let Penny marry him.
(scoffs)
Compared to that, who cares if I bought
a George Clooney limited edition manscaping kit?
Hi. I'm calling about your marriage counseling services
and was curious what your rate is.
Really?
Um, okay.
Is there any kind of discount for length of marriage?
'Cause we're just talking hours here.
Hi. Call you back.
Hey.
Can we talk?
I would love that.
All right, look,
I'm sorry I said I was okay with everything
before we got married.
I hate that we're going through this,
but I don't know what to do.
If you don't mind waiting for a Groupon,
we can try marriage counseling.
Hello.
Hey, uh, buddy,
can we have some privacy?
Oh, of course.
Wouldn't want to intrude.
This is yours.
Okay, when I'm done with him,
I'm gonna need more information.
Nothing odd.
I just wanted to rub Amy's nose in it.
Okay, look, I might be overreacting,
but how am I supposed to get past this
when I know tomorrow you're gonna go to work
and see this woman?
Forgive me for eavesdropping,
but as I see it, there's a simple solution.
Wake up, wake up, wake up.
Bring Penny to meet Mandy.
What? Why?
Well, right now, Penny's imagination is running wild,
but if they meet, that will eliminate
the mystery and alleviate her fears.
Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.
Uh, first of all, you made that guy cry.
And we learned that you don't need an eyeball to do that.
Secondly, I can't think of a more horrible idea
than Penny meeting Mandy.
Really? Why is that?
What, you actually want to meet her?
No, but now that you're being weird about it,
maybe I should.
I'm not being weird.
Am I being weird?
Yes.
And that's coming from me.
Fine, you want to meet her?
No, I just want to know that when you're at work,
there's nothing going on.
How many times do I have to tell you?
I have no interest in this woman.
Yeah, well, maybe she has interest in you.
In Leonard?
Oh, even the Sparkletts guy could see that's unlikely.
I guess my big problem is I never saw Leonard
as the kind of guy who would do something like this.
Anybody can make a mistake in a weak moment.
(sighs) What do you think?
Oh, I don't know what to think.
But then again, I just found out about it.
You know, I fell in love with Leonard
because he wasn't anything like the guys
I was used to dating.
I mean, I knew those guys weren't above cheating
because that's usually how we met.
Come on, you know Leonard's not like that.
I want to believe you. I really do.
Am I being naive?
Oh, I don't know.
This is all so new to me.
I'm still processing.
You know, he never would've done this when we first met.
He's cockier now.
That's because you made him more confident.
You know, if you think about it, without you,
he never would've grown into the person he is now.
I mean, sure, more women might notice him,
but I think it's better to have a guy be with you
because he wants to be
and not because he thinks he doesn't have any other choice.
I never thought about it like that.
Oh, me neither, not until just now.
Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper,
and welcome to "Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun With Flags."
You may notice that I'm holding a remote control.
That's because my cameraperson and co-host,
Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler,
has chosen to end her relationship with me.
I'm going to pause here to let that sink in.
Okay.
If you need to pause a little longer,
just click the pause button.
But the show must go on.
And thankfully, all the things my girlfriend used to do
can be taken care of with my right hand.
Anyway, let's not spend any more time talking about her.
We're here to talk about flags.
Tonight's theme:
flags of countries that have been torn apart
and the women I have a feeling were responsible.
You guys have any idea how much it costs
to see a marriage counselor?
$250 an hour. Why?
How do you know?
Bernadette and I have occasionally gone to one to,
you know, stay on top of things.
And I'm just hearing about this now?
Dude, just because we're best friends
doesn't mean that I have to tell you everything that goes on.
You don't have to, you should want to.
Oh, great, there's Mandy.
Why are marine biologists always so cute?
I don't know,
but I'd like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.
That's not helpful.
Then I won't say
I'd like to cover three-quarters of her surface area.
Are we done?
Not yet, this is fun.
Ooh, I know.
I'd let her free my willy.
Where you going?
I'm gonna ask her if she'd be willing to talk to Penny,
tell her she has nothing to worry about.
Leonard, wait. What?
I'd like to SpongeBob her SquarePants.
Now we are done. (chuckles)
Hey.
Oh, hi, Leonard. What's up?
Uh, do you mind if I sit?
Sure.
So, um, I've been thinking a lot
about you and me and... the boat.
What about it?
You know...
what we did, when we were drunk.
Oh, no, did I sleep with you, too?
No, we just made out.
Oh. Well, good for me.
So what can I do for you?
Uh, okay, well, um, I got married recently.
Oh, congratulations!
To Sheldon?
(chuckles)
Never gets old.
No, no, to a girl.
Anyway, I told her what happened between you and me,
and she's concerned about us seeing each other at work.
It was just a kiss. Why would you even tell her?
Because I didn't want there to be any secrets between us.
Is that really the reason?
What else would it be?
I don't know.
Sounds like you're trying to sabotage the relationship.
No, I don't think so.
Although, Penny did say exactly that.
Okay, well, that's something to think about.
You know, on some level, I've always believed
that I don't deserve a woman like her.
Oh, you're gonna think about that right here?
I mean, she's really beautiful.
She could have any guy she wants.
Which is probably why
it took her so many years to tell me she loved me.
Maybe you should talk to a therapist about this.
Too expensive.
You'd think I'd be used to women withholding their love.
I mean, my mother did.
I mean, no matter how hard I tried,
she just didn't have any interest in me.
Imagine that.
I wonder if that's why I have
such a dysfunctional relationship with Sheldon.
I had a dream
the other night that I was in a cave
and I was nursing a baby,
but the baby had Sheldon's head on it.
And your wife is worried about me?
KOOTHRAPPALI: Hey, Leonard!
When you're done,
we came up with a bunch more.
Then the Czech Republic says to Slovakia,
"I don't think you understand how being broken up works!"
Can you believe that?
You'd think that the Czech Republic
would try to hold on to what it had,
given that it's not as young as it used to be.
And I don't see any other countries
lining up to invade its southern borders.
I'm gonna kill him.
But enough about the Czech Republic.
Let's talk about the time Moldova made Romania
a birthday cake and Romania said it tasted good
even though it didn't.
And yet Romania gets dumped.
I'll pause here while you mull that one over.
I know, right?
So, you said you had something to tell me.
Okay, yeah, um,
do you remember when you accused me
of trying to sabotage our wedding?
Uh-huh.
I've been thinking about it, and you might be right.
But the good news is that I'm pretty sure I know why.
I'm listening.
Penny, after all these years,
I still feel like maybe I don't deserve you.
Okay, that is the lamest excuse
you could've possibly come up with.
But I get it.
You do?
Yeah.
Sometimes I worry you're gonna wake up
and leave me for someone more like you.
I don't even understand why you're with someone like me.
Why would I want to be with someone like me?
You know what I mean.
And, you know, maybe the way I've been reacting
was me sabotaging this, too.
(sighs) Well, how about we stop
being so scared of losing each other
and just be together?
That sounds nice.
Good.
(both chuckle)
Because...
I've loved you since the moment we met,
and I will keep loving you until the end of time.
Oh.
Oh, my God, that is the most beautiful thing
anyone's ever said to me. Yeah?
That's because you're beautiful,
and your beauty fills my heart with love and song.
It's getting kind of cheesy, Leonard.
Huh?
If you think that's cheesy, buckle up.
Penny Hofstadter,
will you please stay married to me?
Oh, damn it, you topped it.
Should we go to the bedroom and make this marriage official?
Yes, please! Okay!
Sheldon, I can't believe you got us a wedding gift.
I don't know why you're so surprised.
I watch movies; I see what people do.
What is this?
Plane tickets and hotel reservations
for a weekend away in San Francisco.
Oh! Wow!
That's so great!
Yeah, there's Fisherman's Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars.
We're gonna have so much fun.
(knocking on door)
We?
Is there a problem?
Oh, no, no! I just, I said, "Whee!"
How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me
and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia?!
You saw through that one, did you?
I don't know what you were thinking,
but take the video down now!
She watched it.
I'm gonna get that girl back.
AMY: I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me
with the subject line: "This is gonna make you mad"!
She was listening through the door. She wants me.