The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 14 - The Meemaw Materialization - full transcript

Here's a fun Postal fact.

Yeah, the inner side
of our mailbox

is under federal jurisdiction.

So, if you broke
my right thumb,

that's Pasadena city police.

But if you broke
my left thumb,

that's the FBI.

If I'm going to jail, I'm killing him,
not breaking his thumb.

No.

Oh, I got a letter
from my Meemaw.

Umm. Smell this.



What is that?

Uh, roses, bengay,
and Dr. Schools' foot powder.

Yeah, "Grandma",
by Calvin Klein.

Yeah, the last time I got
a hand written letter,

it was from someone who told me
I parked like a blind person.

That someone has a name.

Uh, thank you.

Oh, Meemaw got
a new set of teeth.

Oh, but then
she found her old ones.

Oh, so now the new ones are
just gonna be her church teeth.

Fun. Like your
Comic-Con Spock ears

and your around
the house Spock ears.

***

Oh, my goodness,
she's coming to visit!



Oh, it'll be nice
to finally meet her.

Oh, you are going
to love her.

She is the kindest, sweetest
woman you'll ever meet.

Yeah, unless you're a gopher
digging up her vegetable garden.

In that case, you can expect

to have your head bashed in
with a shovel.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x14 ♪
The Empathy Optimization
Original Air Date on February 4,

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

That's not her.
That's not her.

That's not her.
That's not her.

That's not her.

That's not her.
That's not her.

That's not her.
Really?

The old Asian man
is not your Meemaw?

And that's not helpful.

You know, I-I got her
an iPhone for Christmas.

I'll see where she is.

Oh, that's nice.

Most people her age
don't embrace technology.

Oh, no, she doesn't
even know she has it.

No, I had my sister
slip it in her bag

so that I can track her
like a sea turtle.

Same as when we lost you
at the zoo.

Uh, for the hundredth time,

I smelled kettle corn
and couldn't find the cart.

Still doesn't explain

how you ended up
on the freeway divider.

Moon Pie!

Meemaw!

I'm so happy to see you!

I'm happy to
see you, too!

Oh.

You got even smaller.

I love it!

Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard.

Leonard, this is my Meemaw.

Hi. So nice
to finally meet you.

Let me take this
for you, Meemaw.

Thank you.

No. Oh, no.
Now you call her “Constance.”

I call her “Meemaw.”

You have your own Meemaw.

It's not my fault
she died when you were four.

Is that nice to say
to your friend?

It isn't, Meemaw.

Sorry, Leonard.

Can you please
live with us forever?

Oh. (laughs)

That's ridiculous!
If you had

a superpower,
and spent your whole life

being told to suppress it,

when you finally decide
to embrace that power,

why hide in isolation?!

I'm sorry,

and how much money did
your version of Frozen make?!

I'm just saying,

instead of “Let it Go,”
she should really sing,

“Look At Me Hiding in a Freezer
Like a Dove Bar.”

She built an ice castle,
made a snow monster

and gave herself
a complete makeover in one day.

You know what I saw
you do today?

Eat a block of cream cheese
straight from the foil

and lie about it to your wife!

Sorry for eavesdropping,
but did you know

they actually had
the song “Let It Go” in place

before they finalized the story?

Yeah, that's true. In fact,
they liked the song so much,

they retooled
the whole script around it.

Which is probably
why that movie sucks.

Here we are
talking about Frozen,

and yet, you got burned.

Miss, I'm so sorry.

How can you not like that movie?

I just think it gets more credit
than it deserves.

Oh, that's what I said
an hour ago.

Wow. You've been talking
about Frozen for an hour?

You should've seen us
after The Good Dinosaur.

It was a classic western
set in the post-Jurassic period,

and it changed my life.

Are you comfortable?

Very.

It's nice to rest

after 800 flights of stairs.

You were so cute,
huffin' and puffin'.

(knocking)

(gasps)
There's Amy.

I just know
you're gonna hit it off.

You both have
the same fashion sense.

Hello! Come in,
say hi to my Meemaw.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

How was your trip?

Wonderful.

And the pilot did
such a good job,

I gave him a butterscotch.

(laughs)
That's great.

And look at you,
sitting in Sheldon's spot.

You know, I don't
even get to sit there.

Yeah.

And you never will.

Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the
tissue thing.

Do it, ask her.

Can I have a tissue?

Of course.

(laughs)

Isn't that the best?!

She's like Grandma Spider-Man.

He's been saying that

since he was little.

I still don't know
what it means.

Oh, well, you two sit down
and get to know each other.

I'll get your room ready.

Oh, now don't you go
looking through

my suitcase for presents.

If I did, would I find any?

Maybe.

But you also might find
my brassieres and bloomers.

That's a risk
I'm willing to take!

Well, this is so nice.

He's so excited
to have you here and...

Okay, now let's you and me
get something straight.

He may think that I came
to bake him cookies,

but the real reason
is to size you up.

S-S...

Si-Size me up?

Sheldon's mother may be
okay with you,

but I'm not so easy.

Well, I-I'm...

I'm sure you'll like me
once you get to know me.

Oh, you better hope so.

A Texas Special cattle
and calf car train set

with authentic horn and bell!

Thank you, Meemaw!

Oh, you're welcome, Moon Pie.

Amy, why don't you

look excited?

Well, you get
to watch me play with this!

Oh, I see you're reading Saga.

Yeah, I hear it's pretty good.

It is, and not a lot of comics
have a woman with wings

breastfeeding a baby
right on the cover.

I'll take your word for it.

You should.

He's really looked.

I'm Raj, by the way.

This is Howard.
Hi.

Claire.

Well, I've seen you here before,
Claire.

It's my first time.

I'm looking for inspiration
for this movie I'm writing.

You're a screenwriter?

Well, screenwriter,
slash bartender,

slash, a month away
from living in my car.

Yeah, I get that.

I'm a scientist,

slash party planner,

slash small-dog enthusiast,

slash...

guy who probably should have
stopped at “scientist.”

You're really a scientist?

Well, astrophysicist.

That's perfect.

Do you think I could pick your
brain for my movie some time?

It's animated sci-fi for kids.

Sure. I love animated movies.
He does,

and he has the Lilo & Stitch
collector plates to prove it.

Excuse me for wanting
a little magic in my life.

Here's my number.

Give me a call,
we'll get together.

Yeah, great.
See ya.

Yeah, bye.

What are you doing?

You have a girlfriend.

So?
So,

how do you think she'd feel

about you helping a beautiful
girl with her screenplay?

I wouldn't say
she's beautiful.

Really? You don't think
she's attractive?

I do. I just wouldn't
tell my girlfriend.

Constance, are you sure
I can't pour you some wine?

Oh, no wine for me.

Sheldon's bringing me
my whiskey.

Here you go, Meemaw.
I made it

just how you like--

a lot in a glass.

Thank you, Moon Pie.

Um, curious.

Why do you call Sheldon
“Moon Pie?”

'Cause he's so nummy-nummy.

BOTH:
She could just eat him up.

And I call her “Meemaw”"

because, well, just,
well, look at her.

It's interesting that

Leonard and Penny know
about his nickname

and you don't.

Oh, well, you know,

now-now that I'm hearing it,
it does sound familiar.

How could it?

I never told you,
and you never bothered to ask.

Well, now I know.
Yeah.

So, Penny, I understand
you have a new job.

Yes.

I'm a pharmaceutical
sales rep.

Oh.

It's so wonderful that
you modern gals can have it all.

A husband
and a full-time career.

I have a relationship
and a full-time career, too.

That doesn't bode well.

Why not? You-you just said
it's okay for her to work.

Well, Leonard doesn't need as
much tending to as Sheldon does.

And as Moon Pie explained,

Leonard's work

is more of a hobby.

That's my best friend.

Yeah.

AMY:
Look,

I-I get that you're protective
of your grandson,

but he's an adult now.

Maybe I understand what he needs
better than you do.

I appreciate your honesty, dear.

Thank you.
And here's

some more honesty:

I don't like you very much.

Well, maybe I don't
like you either.

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no. Y-You have
to like each other.

Well, we have a 4:30 reservation
at Applebee's.

I think I should leave.

But why?

Other than
you two fighting,

we're having such a good time.

The minute you left the room,
your precious meemaw

started giving me
a really hard time.

I don't need this.

Let her go.

And under no circumstance

will you give her
that engagement ring.

What ring?

Maybe we should give
them some privacy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go ahead.
I'll catch up with you.

You have
an engagement ring?

Yes.

Penny, did you know
about this?

All right, let's go.

When did you get
an engagement ring?

My mother gave it to me,

and I had been thinking
about giving it to you,

but then we broke up.

Well, thank goodness
for that.

Sheldon, will you please tell
your grandmother

to stay out of this?

Oh, I don't think
I could do that.

Sheldon, tell this girl

that my ring will never be
on her finger.

(sighs) Y...

I'm gonna opt out
of that one, too.

Who said I even want
to be engaged to him?

And if I do, I-I don't need
your hand-me-downs!

All right, all right!

Look, l-let's all...

let's remain calm

and analyze this situation.

Now, I realize that
you've only known each other

for less than a day,

but is it possible this
crankiness is because

your cycles have synced?

You leave the room

and let the grown-ups talk.

Now.

Don't speak to him
like he's a child.

Thank you. I'm gonna go next
door and play with Leonard.

Okay, so you met this girl,
you exchanged numbers,

and you're gonna
meet up with her.

Just to help her
with her screenplay.

Oh. Well,
I guess that's not so bad.

You weren't there.

He was really flirting.

Hey, it's not my fault
if American women project

their fantasies on foreigners

with the kind of magical voice
that grants wishes.

I'm sure it was harmless.

People flirt. No big deal.

Really? So it's
okay if I fl...

Not you. I own your ass.

The real question is,
where are you with Emily?

Uh, it's hard to say.

I think we're good,
but things like this

make me wonder if Emily's
really the right person for me.

I mean, did you guys ever have
doubts about each other?

No. Never.
Absolutely.

What?

Howie, you forget

how much of our early dates

involved you doing magic

and me doing this.

Fine.

I had reservations
about you, too.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

Well, it doesn't matter now,

'cause I love
how things worked out.

Me, too.

And I think you're
even more beautiful

than this rose.

Wow. The last time
I saw my grandma,

the most exciting thing
was watching the ash

of her cigarette get longer
and wondering

if it was gonna fall
in her pudding.

Did it?

Yeah, right in there.

She ate it and everything.

(knocking)
SHELDON: Leonard and Penny.

Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.

Come in!

LEONARD:
Hey. What happened?

Is Amy gone?

No. They asked me to leave

so they could speak privately.

Uh-oh.
Yeah, I know. It was quite tense.

So here's
the million dollar question:

uh, who wants to pop over there
and get my trains?

All right.
I've made up my mind.

I'm gonna do the right thing,
call this girl,

and let her know
that I'm in a relationship.

Okay, so far we've heard,

“made up my mind,
I'm dumping Emily.”

“Made up my mind
to date both of them

by pretending
to be twin brothers.”

And “made up my mind,

“I'll ask for a threesome

and if they say no,
play it off as a joke.”

I'm calling her.

And the threesome didn't deserve
the belly laugh it got.

You're right.

(stifled laughter):
It could totally happen.

CLAIRE:
Hello?

Hi. Hi. Yeah, it's Raj.

Rajesh.
We met at the comic book store.

Hey, what's up? Figure out
what time you're free?

Actually,
that's why I'm calling.

I, um... I just...

I need to let you know
that I have a girlfriend.

Okay. Good for you.

Well, no, no.

I-I didn't want to mislead you

after you asked me out.

I didn't ask you out.

I just need help
with my screenplay.

Wait, are you saying
that we didn't have a vibe?

Why do you care if we have
a vibe? You have a girlfriend.

Come on! I just told you
I had a girlfriend.

The least you can do is tell me
if we had a vibe.

Sure, we had a vibe.

I knew it.
Okay, we did have a vibe.

This is exciting.

What's my next move?

You still have a girlfriend.

Right. Good catch.

Anyway, so I'm sorry
to waste your time.

And, uh... and good luck
with your screenplay.

Hang on.

We're both adults.

We can still get together
without it meaning anything.

Not me. Ever since
you admitted we had a vibe,

I've been planning our wedding.

Look, it's just coffee.

I'll ask you some questions
about science,

and if you propose,
I promise to say no.

Okay. That hurts a little,
but okay.

Great. I'll text you.

Bye.

All right.

So, uh, we're meeting
for coffee like two adults.

Everybody's happy. Easy peasy.

Are you gonna tell Emily?

Yeah, of course.

We have no secrets.

When are you gonna tell Emily?

He lied about the cream cheese!

He ate the whole thing!
I saw him!

Look, I know you think
I'm not right for Sheldon,

but trust me,
I'm his best shot.

You have no idea
how much I put up with!

I know more than you think I do.

Really? You know what it's like
to have date night ruined

because Google changed
their font?

Young lady,

if you think I don't know

what it's like to live

with a stubborn,
egotistical man,

then you're wrong.

'Cause that was my husband.

Really?

(sighs)

There were days I wanted to fill
his pockets with corn

and toss him in the pigpen.

Well, if you understand,

then why are you giving me
such a hard time?

Because when you broke up
with Sheldon,

it hurt him deeply,

and I don't want to see
that happen again.

(door opens)

Hi. Sorry.

Sheldon would like
to say something to you.

SHELDON:
No, I wouldn't.

Just get in here.

Hello.

Go ahead.

Meemaw, look,

I'm sorry, but...

I have to defend

my girlfriend to you.

Oh, Sheldon, thank you.

Oh, great, now you're gonna
get emotional.

I always looked up
to you and Pop-Pop.

I-I know what
a challenging man he could be,

but I saw you stand
by him and-and make him

into a better person.

I did.

Yeah, well, that is exactly

what I've been doing
the last five years

with this little
work in progress.

He never disappoints,
does he?

I think what Sheldon means
to say is

we've both grown together.

Isn't that right?

Well...

Say yes.

Yes.

MEEMAW:
Fine.

If you feel so strongly,
I won't stand in your way.

Thank you.

So if he wanted

to give me
that engagement ring,

we would have your blessing?

I suppose.

I just gave you
my virginity, woman.

Cool your jets.

Yeah, see, if you
just change the story

to the destruction
of our galaxy,

then a super massive
black hole could work.

This is great.

Thank you so much.

I just got to figure out
a way for everyone

to die that isn't too scary
for children.

And that's how
Mommy and Daddy met.

Hey, did you ever tell Emily
about us?

I will!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man