The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - The Matrimonial Momentum - full transcript

Why are you up?

How am I supposed to sleep?

I've been married
less than 24 hours,

and my wife
isn't speaking to me.

Perhaps you can think of this
in a more positive light.

In one day,
you've managed to do

what it takes many couples
decades to achieve.

(knocking on door)

Hi.

Hey.

You couldn't sleep either?



Of course not.

Me neither.

But I just had
a tickle in my throat.

Not profound marital problems.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Please, tell me
how I can fix it.

Glad you asked.

As I see it, there's
a simple solution.

Your lips had a dalliance
with the lips of another woman.

It seems only
logical that

to restore balance
to the relationship,

you should find another man
and dally with him.

And by dally,
I mean some hardcore



mouth-on-mouth action.

Okay, that is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Actually, I think
he's onto something.

Y-You can't be serious.

'Cause I messed up
and made out with a girl,

you're gonna do the same
with a random guy?

I'm currently single.

That's true. You are.

What is happening?!

I will tell you
what is happening.

I am saving
my best friend's marriage.

(gasps)

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x02 ♪
The Separation Oscillation
Original Air Date on September

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

(Skype ringing)

Sheldon, I don't think
you understand

how being broken up works.

The only way
I can sort through my feelings

is if there is space between us.

Every time I see you,
it re-traumatizes me.

I go through the pain
all over again.

Well, hello to you, too.

What do you want?

I understand
we're no longer a couple,

but I would like to remind you
that we made a baby together.

What baby?

A precocious
little Internet show

known as "Fun With Flags."

I'm hanging up.

Great. See you in
about half an hour.

Sheldon, I am not doing
"Fun With Flags" with you.

Why not?

Because we're broken up.

Sonny and Cher made it work.

Their variety show
kept going

long after the divorce,

and here we are
still talking about them.

No one's talking
about Sonny and Cher.

You must be thinking
about Donny and Marie,

'cause you and I are clearly
talking about Sonny and Cher.

Sheldon, this has to stop.

I know it's hard.

It's hard for me, too.

But I've seen
and talked to you more

in the two days
we've been broken up

than in the last two months
that we were together.

Well, if you want
to see less of me,

maybe we should go out again.

I can't believe you made out
with Mandy Chao.

Trust me,
I wish it never happened.

And you knew about this
this whole time?

I did.

And you didn't think to tell me?

Leonard asked me
to keep it to myself.

Let's leave Leonard
out of this for the moment.

This is about you and me.

Wait, wait, wait, how is my
day-old marriage falling apart

becoming about you two?

Hang on.

What do I need to do
to make you trust me?

You think it's hard
having one wife,

try having two.

I bet you told Bernadette

all about he was screwing around
with Mandy Chao.

Oh, we didn't screw around.

We just got drunk and made out.

Whatever. It would have
been nice to hear it from you.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to return
your belongings.

That's what people
who've broken up do.

And you didn't do
your compulsive knocking ritual

so I would open the door.

On the contrary,

you no longer get to enjoy
my charming eccentricities.

We're not friends with benefits.

Just give me the box.

W-Wait. Don't you want
to go through it

to make sure
I haven't forgotten anything?

Fine.

My old scarf.

You wore it the night
we went ice-skating. Remember?

You mean the night
that I went ice-skating,

and you stood at the rail

Googling the symptoms
of hypothermia?

We made one heck of a team, huh?

Whose bra is this?

It's not yours?

Oh, my.

How embarrassing for both of us.

It's Penny's.

Hey, you broke up with me.

It is none of your business

whose naked bosom I'm smooshing
around like pizza dough.

Good-bye.

Amy.

Amy. Amy.

(sighs)

Hmm. Tables work, too.

Good to know.

Ooh, brownies
for girls' night!

Hands off. I'm mad at you.

(sighs)

Look, I know it's
a lot of money,

but the guy at
the store said

in five to seven years,
it'll pay for itself.

What will pay for itself?

Doesn't matter.
What are you mad about?

I'm mad at you
for blabbing to me

what Leonard did
on the North Sea,

and I'm mad that
I've had to hide this

from Penny for two years.

And you have every right to
be mad about those things.

So, why don't you let me

handle the credit card
bill this month, huh?

I mean, don't
even look at it.

I mean, if Penny finds out
I've known all this time

and haven't told her,

she's gonna think
I'm a terrible friend.

I wish you never told me.

And I wish Leonard
never told me.

He's the bad guy here.

I guess that's true.

And you let
Penny marry him.

(scoffs)

Compared to that,
who cares if I bought

a George Clooney limited
edition manscaping kit?

Hi. I'm calling about your
marriage counseling services

and was curious
what your rate is.

Really?

Um, okay.

Is there any kind of discount
for length of marriage?

'Cause we're just
talking hours here.

Hi.
Call you back.

Hey.

Can we talk?

I would love that.

All right, look,

I'm sorry I said I was
okay with everything

before we got married.

I hate that we're
going through this,

but I don't know
what to do.

If you don't mind
waiting for a Groupon,

we can try marriage counseling.

Hello.

Hey, uh, buddy,

can we have some privacy?

Oh, of course.

Wouldn't want to intrude.

This is yours.

Okay, when I'm
done with him,

I'm gonna need
more information.

Nothing odd.

I just wanted
to rub Amy's nose in it.

Okay, look, I might
be overreacting,

but how am I supposed
to get past this

when I know tomorrow
you're gonna go to work

and see this woman?

Forgive me for eavesdropping,

but as I see it,
there's a simple solution.

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

Bring Penny to meet Mandy.

What? Why?

Well, right now, Penny's
imagination is running wild,

but if they meet,
that will eliminate

the mystery
and alleviate her fears.

Like when that Sparkletts guy
let me look under his eye patch.

Uh, first of all,
you made that guy cry.

And we learned that you don't
need an eyeball to do that.

Secondly, I can't think
of a more horrible idea

than Penny meeting Mandy.

Really? Why is that?

What, you actually
want to meet her?

No, but now that you're
being weird about it,

maybe I should.

I'm not being weird.

Am I being weird?

Yes.

And that's coming from me.

Fine, you want to meet her?

No, I just want to know
that when you're at work,

there's nothing going on.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

I have no interest
in this woman.

Yeah, well, maybe she
has interest in you.

In Leonard?

Oh, even the Sparkletts guy
could see that's unlikely.

I guess my big problem is
I never saw Leonard

as the kind of guy who would
do something like this.

Anybody can make a mistake
in a weak moment.

(sighs)
What do you think?

Oh, I don't know what to think.

But then again,
I just found out about it.

You know, I fell in love
with Leonard

because he wasn't
anything like the guys

I was used to dating.

I mean, I knew those guys
weren't above cheating

because that's usually
how we met.

Come on, you know
Leonard's not like that.

I want to believe you.
I really do.

Am I being naive?

Oh, I don't know.

This is all so new to me.

I'm still processing.

You know, he never would've
done this when we first met.

He's cockier now.

That's because you made him
more confident.

You know, if you think about it,
without you,

he never would've grown
into the person he is now.

I mean, sure,
more women might notice him,

but I think it's better
to have a guy be with you

because he wants to be

and not because he thinks he
doesn't have any other choice.

I never thought
about it like that.

Oh, me neither,
not until just now.

Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper,

and welcome to "Sheldon Cooper
Presents: Fun With Flags."

You may notice that
I'm holding a remote control.

That's because my cameraperson
and co-host,

Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler,

has chosen to end
her relationship with me.

I'm going to pause here
to let that sink in.

Okay.

If you need to pause
a little longer,

just click the pause button.

But the show must go on.

And thankfully, all the things
my girlfriend used to do

can be taken care of
with my right hand.

Anyway, let's not spend
any more time talking about her.

We're here to talk about flags.

Tonight's theme:

flags of countries
that have been torn apart

and the women I have a feeling
were responsible.

You guys have any idea
how much it costs

to see a marriage
counselor?

$250 an hour. Why?

How do you know?

Bernadette and I have
occasionally gone to one to,

you know, stay on top of things.

And I'm just
hearing about this now?

Dude, just because
we're best friends

doesn't mean that I have to tell
you everything that goes on.

You don't have to,
you should want to.

Oh, great,
there's Mandy.

Why are marine biologists
always so cute?

I don't know,

but I'd like to get lost
in her Bermuda Triangle.

That's not helpful.

Then I won't say

I'd like to cover three-quarters
of her surface area.

Are we done?

Not yet, this is fun.

Ooh, I know.

I'd let her free my willy.

Where you going?

I'm gonna ask her if she'd
be willing to talk to Penny,

tell her she has nothing
to worry about.

Leonard, wait.
What?

I'd like to SpongeBob
her SquarePants.

Now we are done. (chuckles)

Hey.

Oh, hi, Leonard. What's up?

Uh, do you mind
if I sit?

Sure.

So, um, I've been
thinking a lot

about you and me and...
the boat.

What about it?

You know...

what we did,
when we were drunk.

Oh, no,
did I sleep with you, too?

No, we just made out.

Oh. Well, good for me.

So what can I do for you?

Uh, okay, well, um,
I got married recently.

Oh, congratulations!

To Sheldon?

(chuckles)

Never gets old.

No, no, to a girl.

Anyway, I told her what happened
between you and me,

and she's concerned about us
seeing each other at work.

It was just a kiss.
Why would you even tell her?

Because I didn't want there
to be any secrets between us.

Is that really the reason?

What else would it be?

I don't know.

Sounds like you're trying
to sabotage the relationship.

No, I don't think so.

Although,
Penny did say exactly that.

Okay, well, that's something
to think about.

You know, on some level,
I've always believed

that I don't deserve
a woman like her.

Oh, you're gonna
think about that right here?

I mean, she's really beautiful.

She could have
any guy she wants.

Which is probably why

it took her so many years
to tell me she loved me.

Maybe you should talk
to a therapist about this.

Too expensive.

You'd think I'd be used to women
withholding their love.

I mean, my mother did.

I mean, no matter
how hard I tried,

she just didn't have
any interest in me.

Imagine that.

I wonder if that's why I have

such a dysfunctional
relationship with Sheldon.

I had a dream

the other night that
I was in a cave

and I was nursing a baby,

but the baby
had Sheldon's head on it.

And your wife is worried
about me?

KOOTHRAPPALI:
Hey, Leonard!

When you're done,

we came up with
a bunch more.

Then the Czech Republic
says to Slovakia,

"I don't think you understand
how being broken up works!"

Can you believe that?

You'd think
that the Czech Republic

would try to hold on
to what it had,

given that it's not as young
as it used to be.

And I don't see
any other countries

lining up to invade
its southern borders.

I'm gonna kill him.

But enough
about the Czech Republic.

Let's talk about the time
Moldova made Romania

a birthday cake
and Romania said it tasted good

even though it didn't.

And yet Romania gets dumped.

I'll pause here
while you mull that one over.

I know, right?

So, you said you had
something to tell me.

Okay, yeah, um,

do you remember
when you accused me

of trying to sabotage
our wedding?

Uh-huh.

I've been thinking about it,
and you might be right.

But the good news is
that I'm pretty sure I know why.

I'm listening.

Penny, after all these years,

I still feel like
maybe I don't deserve you.

Okay, that is the lamest excuse

you could've possibly
come up with.

But I get it.

You do?

Yeah.

Sometimes I worry
you're gonna wake up

and leave me
for someone more like you.

I don't even understand
why you're with someone like me.

Why would I want to be
with someone like me?

You know what I mean.

And, you know, maybe the way
I've been reacting

was me sabotaging this, too.

(sighs)
Well, how about we stop

being so scared
of losing each other

and just be together?

That sounds nice.

Good.

(both chuckle)

Because...

I've loved you
since the moment we met,

and I will keep loving you
until the end of time.

Oh.

Oh, my God,
that is the most beautiful thing

anyone's ever said to me.
Yeah?

That's because you're beautiful,

and your beauty fills my heart
with love and song.

It's getting
kind of cheesy, Leonard.

Huh?

If you think that's
cheesy, buckle up.

Penny Hofstadter,

will you please
stay married to me?

Oh, damn it, you topped it.

Should we go to the bedroom
and make this marriage official?

Yes, please!
Okay!

Sheldon, I can't believe
you got us a wedding gift.

I don't know
why you're so surprised.

I watch movies;
I see what people do.

What is this?

Plane tickets
and hotel reservations

for a weekend away
in San Francisco.

Oh!
Wow!

That's so great!

Yeah, there's Fisherman's Wharf
and Alcatraz and cable cars.

We're gonna have so much fun.

(knocking on door)

We?

Is there a problem?

Oh, no, no!
I just, I said, "Whee!"

How dare you go on the Internet
and say mean things about me

and compare my genitalia
to part of Czechoslovakia?!

You saw through that one,
did you?

I don't know
what you were thinking,

but take the video down now!

She watched it.

I'm gonna get that girl back.

AMY: I only watched it
because you e-mailed it to me

with the subject line:
"This is gonna make you mad"!

She was listening through
the door. She wants me.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man