The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 16 - The Intimacy Acceleration - full transcript

I just read about
an experiment designed

to see if you could
make two people fall

in love in a matter of hours.

That doesn't sound right.

My research has shown that
it takes three to five years

of shameless begging.

Honey, neither of us comes off
good in that story.

Yeah, I-I...

I saw that article
you're talking about.

Uh, the participants
ask each other a series

of questions designed
to promote intimacy.



And then they finish it off
by staring

into each other's eyes
for four minutes.

Oh, that's nonsense.

I proclaimed my
love for you.

And the last time I
looked into your eyes

was when you thought
you had conjunctivitis.

Other than the fact
that I had it,

that was a magical night.

Raj, would you ever try an
experiment like that with Emily?

What? I don't need
science to win her heart.

I have my family's
wealth for that.

I'm telling you, you can't
create love in a few hours.

Right?
Oh, careful.

You're poking at the whole
foundation of The Bachelor.



Yeah, but

we don't have to debate this.

We're scientists.

We can conduct our own research.

Yeah, I propose that we imprison

two street people.
No.

And...

You didn't even let me finish.

Forget it!
Oh!

So, you can experiment
on all the apes you want.

But I want to manipulate
the emotions of two captive

human beings, suddenly
I'm the monster.

Why don't you

just do the test?

In the interest of science,
I'd be willing to.

What? You're okay with
an experiment where you have

to answer awkward questions
about your innermost feelings?

Yes.

Please, can I do it
with him? Please?!

I've been listening
to Sheldon's feelings on things

for ten years.
Tag, you're it.

Yeah, but what
if the experiment works?

I'm not gonna fall
in love with Sheldon.

That's what I said.

Before I knew it,
he pontificated his way

right into my heart.

Uh, fun fact--
"pontificate"

comes from the Latin
word "pontifex,"

which means "bridge
builder" or "Pope."

In love yet?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x16 ♪
The Intimacy Acceleration
Original Air Date on February 2

Just out of curiosity, Penny,

if this experiment does
make us fall in love,

would you drive me
to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin

for Gary Con?

It's the only convention
celebrating

the life and work of Gary Gygax,

the co-creator
of Dungeons and Dragons.

You know what?

I can honestly say
if we fall in love,

not only will I drive you there,
I will buy you

all the dragon T-shirts
you want.

Okay, babe, let's do this.

You guys are
really being calm

about Penny and Sheldon
doing this thing.

If it were me,

I-I'd be a little nervous.

Why?
Well,

even if the study's nonsense,

I-I don't believe
in tempting fate.

Same reason I wouldn't
use a Ouija board,

or pick a fight
with an Asian guy.

He probably doesn't know karate,
but... why risk it?

I think we're safe.

Well, that's what the bullies

at Bruce Lee's
high school thought.

And then, bam!

Karate.

Well,
are we just gonna

sit here while they do
the experiment?

The two of us could do it.

Yeah, sure, that might be fun.

What's the first question?

Hang on.

Okay.

"Given the choice
of anyone in the world,

whom would you want
as a dinner guest?"

Hmm.

I can honestly say Penny.

Oh... then I choose a janitor.

'Cause I'm about to throw up.

I'm in love.

Let's do something else.

Ooh, uh, Emily
gets off work soon.

Why don't the four of us go out?

Okay.
Sounds good.

Should we call
Howard and Bernadette?

I don't know what time
their plane gets in,

but let me, let me
shoot them a text.

Did he say anything
about the funeral?

Not much, but he seemed to
be in a pretty good place.

Are you kidding me?!

You lost my mother's ashes?!

No, I-I'm just saying
that sometimes

bags are misrouted.

All right, fine.
Where did you misroute

the only woman
who ever loved me?

The first... well,
first, I meant first.

I just need some information.

Uh, what's the flight number?

816.

I really did mean first.

Just drop it.

And can you describe the bag?

Um, well,

it's, uh, black.

There's a red ribbon
tied to the handle...

The world's greatest mom
is in the shoe compartment!

You ready to begin?

Yup. Be right there.

I assume you don't want wine.

Correct. You're not
supposed to drink alcohol

when operating heavy machinery.

What heavy machinery?

Let's just start.

Well, as a Texas gentleman,

I'm inclined to
say ladies first.

Although, I'm concerned that
level of politeness and charm

might make you fall in love with
me before the test even begins.

Perhaps we should flip a coin.

Or if you're familiar
with the rules

of Rock, Paper, Scissors...

Question one.

"Given the choice

"of anyone in the world,
whom would you want

as a dinner guest?"

Hmm.

Living or dead?

Just says "anyone in the world."

I guess that means living.

Ah, that's just as well.

As much as I'd love
to meet Euclid--

inventor of the
geometric proof--

he probably wore
sandals and I cannot

look at toes during dinner.

Oh, I know!

The person I'd most
like to have dinner with

is myself.

You sure that's your choice?

'Cause I've had that dinner.

Well, I haven't.

And while they say
never meet your heroes,

I just don't see how
I could disappoint.

Who would you choose?

Robert Downey, Jr.
You...

Oh!

I didn't think of Iron Man.

You know, maybe after
myself and I have dinner,

we can meet you two for dessert.

So, what do you
guys want to do?

Well, we're the ones
tagging along, you pick.

Ooh!

Have you ever been
to an escape room?

Mm-mm, what's that?
Um...

it's kind of like
interactive theater,

except you have
to solve puzzles

in a certain amount
of time to get out.

There's one downtown
where they

trap you in a room
with a zombie.

Oh!

So, kind of like what's
happening with Penny right now.

"What would constitute

a perfect day for you?"

Uh, well...

I'd probably sleep in,
do a little yoga,

then lie on the beach while

cute cabana boys
brought me drinks and...

probably get a massage
and then cap off the night

with some dancing.

That's it?
Yeah, why?

You didn't mention Leonard.

He's there.

I don't think so.

Leonard can't stand

yoga, the beach,
massages or dancing.

Yeah, well,
he brought a book, okay?

What's yours?
Yeah...

Uh, I wake up.

Uh, I enjoy some French
toast with butter and syrup.

Uh, then a wormhole opens,

and whisks me millions of years

into the future where
my towering intellect

is used to save the last
remnants of mankind

from a predatory alien race.

Interesting,
you didn't mention Amy.

Who do you think made the French
toast with butter and syrup?

You're about to enter the lab

of the late Dr. David Saltzberg.

While conducting studies
on slowing

the aging process, there was
a catastrophic accident

and he died.

Or did he?

Ladies?

Are you being polite or scared?

Yup.

Ah, what a room!

Oh-oh!
Oh!

This is cool.

So, how do we start?

We have to look for the clues
hidden around the room.

Uh, wasn't there
supposed to be a zombie?

Ooh!

Okay, let's hope
one of the clues

is written on a pair
of clean underwear.

Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz?

As far as I can tell,
your bag arrived in Los Angeles.

So, where is it?

I don't know, perhaps somebody

took it off the carousel
by mistake?

So, some stranger has my mom?

Is that what you're telling me?

My poor mother can be anywhere
in Los Angeles right now?

I-I wish I was telling you that.

Um...

but the passenger
could've gotten

on an international flight.

Oh, okay, great!

So, your entire job is
to find lost luggage,

and you've narrowed
down the location

of my mother to
the planet Earth!

I'm sorry!

W-Would 500
frequent-flyer miles help?

That could get you
to Sacramento.

"If you could
wake up tomorrow

"having gained any
one quality or ability,

what would it be?"

Well, not to steal
from the Bible,

but turning water into wine
sounds pretty good.

I don't think you're
taking this seriously.

Come on, I'm just having
some fun with you.

I believe

what you're doing is using humor

to avoid vulnerability.

Fine.

Honestly...

if I could have one quality...

I wish I could be
as smart as you guys.

Ha! Keep dreaming.

Sheldon!

I'm sorry.

That was me having
fun with you.

Look.

You may not be as...

academically inclined as are we.

Yes, that's how you say it.

But...

You possess an
intelligence I envy.

Which leads me to my answer.

I would choose the ability

to read people's minds.

Well, I can't read
people's minds.

Actually, that's not true.

I can read men's minds.

But only 'cause it's
usually the one thing.

When are we going
to get robot eyes?

You're all alike.

Well, what I meant was...

I often misinterpret

how others are feeling.

Like, I can't always tell
if someone is only joking

or laughing at me.

You know, like, uh, if they're
mad at something I've done

or just in a bad mood.

It-it's incredibly stressful.

Really? You always
seem so confident.

Well, I'm not.

And if I could read
people's minds,

life would be so much simpler.

Well, now I wish I had

the ability to make
that stuff easier for you.

Thank you.

Wow, I just felt this wave

of affection for you.

You sure it's not
too much Bible juice?

And the wave is gone.

Brains!

Keep it down!
We're working here.

Okay, we've got
the cipher decoded!

How's it going
with the globe?

We used the coordinates
to locate the cities.

I'm putting the city names
in the grid now.

I'm sure that'll give us
the code to the safe.

Solve puzzle too fast!

Slow down!

Yup! Got the code.

Just saying...

no refund for finish early!

Sure you don't want to go home?

When the bag's returned,
they'll deliver it to us.

No, I'm not leaving without her.

All right, we'll wait.

I could've driven her.

What?

The day she left for Florida.

She asked me to drive her
to the airport.

I-I was too busy.

And...

I made her take a cab.

I was too busy.

There's no way
you could've known.

Be right back.

Excuse me?

Yes?

You better find
my husband's mother

'cause one way or another,

we're walking out of this
airport with a dead woman!

Which book are we looking for?
Uh...

Origin of Species.

Here it is.

There's a black light.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, okay.

Uh, "Brothers and sisters

"I have none,
but this man's father

is my father's son.
Who am I looking at?"

Yeah, yeah, we get it--
you want brains. Calm down.

Well, if I don't have a brother,

my father's son is me.

And if I'm this man's father,
then he's my son.

The answer's "son."

Ooh! There's a picture
of the sun over there.

I bet the key's behind it.

Could be somewhere else!

Oh, got the key!

So, that's the key to the door?

That's it?

We spent $200
on six minutes of fun?

It's like when you bought that
remote-controlled helicopter,

and it just... flew away.

Sorry, guys. Really thought
the puzzles would be better.

Well, to be fair, we do all
have advanced degrees.

Remember that
before you post on Yelp!

"If you were to die this evening
with no opportunity

"to communicate with anyone,

what would you most regret
not having told someone?"

So, it would be today?

Huh.

Well, I suppose there's
something satisfying

about dying on my birthday.

Today's your birthday?

Yes.

Well, that's
always been a secret!

Not even Amy knows!

Well, I don't enjoy presents.

And the thought of people

jumping out and yelling
"Surprise!" fills me

with more dread than the words

"George Lucas Director's Cut."

So, why did you finally tell me?

The point of the experiment is

to be completely honest
with each other.

Well, thank you
for sharing it with me.

I won't tell anyone.

Thank you.

That is so funny.

I never would have
pegged you for a Pisces.

You're making it difficult
to love you right now.

Great news!
Your bag was returned.

Oh, thank God!

It's okay, she's here!

Ma's here.

Okay, thank you so much.

Ma?

I'm sorry I didn't

take you to the airport.
I just want you to know

that I'll never forgive myself
for being so selfish.

And I promise

to keep you close

for the rest of my life.

Oh, no. That thing's gonna
end up in my bedroom.

That's it! We're done
with the questions.

All that's left to do is

stare into each other's eyes

for four minutes
without talking.

Okay. Wait, hang on!

Bladder check.

We're good to go.

You ready?

Yes.

And begin.

This is kind of creepy.

We're not supposed to
talk during this part.

Sorry.

This is kind of creepy.

Do you want to stop?

I know you have trouble
with eye contact.

Well, you have a brown fleck

in your right iris that looks

like a Formula One race car.

So... I'm just
concentrating on that.

Plus, it's easier around people
that I'm comfortable with.

Aw, sweetie,
I'm comfortable around you, too.

Of course you are,
I'm warm and soothing.

I'm like a human bowl
of tomato soup.

I meant more like
a little brother.

Oh.

Well, I suppose I do think
of you as a sister.

And sometimes, a mother.

It's getting creepy again.

What?

Just thinking about the day

I met you and Leonard.

It was a Monday afternoon.

You joined us for Indian food.

Can you believe
it's been eight years?

Yeah, and you're
still eating our food.

I... can't remember a time

you guys weren't in my life.

I remember it perfectly.

But I have an eidetic memory.

If you're interested,
I also remember

how much you owe us
for the food.

That's it.

That wasn't so bad.

No, it wasn't.

Uh, now let's tabulate

the results of the experiment.

Okay.

I think it's safe to say that
you're not in love with me

and I'm not in love with you.

And psychology has once again

proved itself the doofus
of the sciences.

Well, maybe.

But I'm still glad we did it.

I do feel closer to you.

And I, you.

And yes, that's
how you say that.

Yeah, so, given our
newfound intimacy,

I'd say we have

some hard choices to make.

Like what?

Gary Con--
do we fly or drive?

Do we wear costumes?

And if so...

who gets to be Gary?

Thank you for walking me home.

I just want to make sure
you get there safe.

Well, this is me.

It's been a very
interesting evening.

It really has.

Surprise!
Aah!

And after I let you be Gary!