The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - The Troll Manifestation - full transcript

Leonard and Sheldon defend themselves against criticism from an online bully, while the girls confront embarrassing moments from their pasts.

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So tell me about your day.
How's it going with the particle detector?

Wow, you remember that?

Yeah, I listen to what you say.

You're building a particle detector
using superfluid helium.

You know, when you talk like that
I want to take you right here on this table.

You know from experience
this table cannot support both our weight.

So how's the detector going?

It's tricky working with superfluids.

Whatever container you put them in, they
creep up the sides and crawl out on their own.

Kind of like Sheldon's ant farm.

Exactly. Except you don't have
a lunatic running around yelling:



"I fed you sugar water.
Why are you biting me?"

Ha.

You really want to talk about this?

I do. I didn't write "superfluid helium"
on this napkin for nothing.

Okay, well, this is cool. There's a thing
called superfluid vacuum theory...

...where empty space is imagined
as a superfluid with all of its qualities:

Viscosity, density, surface tension...

If you're pausing for dramatic effect,
I'd keep it moving.

No, no.

People don't talk about surface tension.

If you imagine our three-space...

...as the surface of an N-dimensional
superfluid bubble...

This is exciting.

This is really exciting.
I have to go find Sheldon.



Okay, well, if you find him,
use the kitchen island.

That coffee table
will not support both of you.

Which means a spherical
multidimensional superfluid...

...shows the same
negative energy density as space-time.

What do you think? So, what do you think?

Hmmm.

What? Is it wrong?
Have you seen it somewhere else?

Hmmm.

I know this isn't my area,
and I could never do math like you can...

...but could this be something?

Well, you could've set
Newton's gravitational constant to one.

And the whole thing reeks of blueberry.
You know I can't stand these scented markers.

No one told you to taste them.

Come on, is this good or not?

- It's good.
- Really?

I like it. I think you're onto something.

- You do? Not messing with me?
- Not at all.

In fact, I have got something
for just such an occasion.

I was starting to think I might never
get a chance to give it to you.

Good job.

You're giving me a sticker.

Not just a sticker.

It's a sticker of a kitty saying "mee-wow."

I'm not a preschooler.

- Fine, I'll take it back.
- I earned this. Back off.

You're still awake?

For a man whose last observation...

...was our universe may be the surface of
a multidimensional supercooled liquid...

..."you're still awake" seems
like quite the sophomore slump.

You worked out all the math.

Oh, I did more than work out all the math.

I wrote a paper.

You wrote a paper on my idea?

I wrote a paper on our idea.

When did my idea become our idea?

When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness...

...and cooked it
in the Easy-Bake Oven of my mind.

This is good.

Our idea's really good.

Well, the light bulb in this oven
is ridiculously bright.

You know, if no one's thought of this yet,
this could be a big deal.

Only way we'll know for sure
is if we post it online to the pre-print server.

I have it ready to go,
but I wasn't gonna do it without you.

It's all happening so fast.

Should we sleep on it?

We could, but we always run the risk
of someone else beating us to the punch.

You're sure it's good?

My name is right on there with yours.

That is a surefire mark of quality.

That might as well say,
"Directed by Joss Whedon."

Okay, partner, let's do it.

Come on.

Click the mouse with me.

One, two, three...

- ...click.
- Click.

Uh, we did it.

Yes, we did, my friend.

- Is your tongue blue?
- I don't want to talk about it.

- Movie night. What do you wanna watch?
- What happened to that movie you were in?

Oh, God, probably nothing.

I think I saw the director
twirling a sign outside the Verizon store.

- Search for it.
- What...? No, why?

- Because it would be fun to watch.
- It would be humiliating.

Well, now we have two reasons.

They have it.

- Please, can we watch it?
- Please.

Fine. But I'm telling you, it's terrible.

- Have you even seen it?
- No.

Maybe it turned out better than you think.

Bananas. Get your fresh bananas.

Ho, ho, it really didn't.

Sheldon, this is superfluid helium.

Put this in your mouth,
your tongue will freeze and break off.

Does it smell like blueberries?

- No.
- Then we're probably okay.

Hey, your paper got mentioned
on the Quantum Diaries physics blog.

- Really? What did they say?
- It's basically a summary of the theory...

- ...but there's a bunch of positive comments.
- Let me see. Let me see.

One calls it "Insightful and innovative."

We're insightful and innovative.

- Ooh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.
- Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative.

Another one says, "The concept shows
some real out-of-the-box thinking."

Do you hear that Mr. Out-Of-The?

I do indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking.

How are you today,
Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jackasses?

Just dandy,
Mr. I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv.

- Read another one.
- Okay, okay. Um...

"The analogy between space-time
and a supercooled fluid...

...is either meaningless or false.

I wish this blog
would devote itself to real science...

...instead of wasting our time with crackpot,
wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish."

- Who wrote that?
- It's anonymous.

Username, "General Relativity."

Well, I'm responding to it.

Uh, don't lower yourself to their level.

Look, I am simply going to defend our work,
scientist to scientist.

And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys
a string of both human and non-human lovers.

Sheldon, my name's on that paper too.

There's no upside to doing this.

- He just left another comment.
- What does it say?

"Upon review, I've changed my mind
about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis...

...that space-time is like a superfluid.
In fact, it's inspired me...

...to come up with my own theory:

Maybe space-time is like two clowns
with their heads in a bucket...

...much like Cooper and Hofstadter."

Can I respond now?

Do it.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

I'm about to show this guy
just how horny I can be.

Somebody else do it.

Doctor, please help me.

I think I might be turning into a killer gorilla.

Why do you think
you're turning into a killer gorilla...

...and not just a regular gorilla?

Because regular gorillas are vegetarians...

...and I just bit the fingers off your receptionist.

Okay, we've seen plenty.

- No, give me the remote.
- Careful, she'll bite your fingers off.

I've been poking around the Internet...

...and I found something
we'll enjoy watching even more.

- What is it?
- Just a video of Bernadette in a beauty pageant.

- What?
- Okay, I learned my lesson.

Making fun of people is wrong.

I haven't learned my lesson. Play it. Play it.

Hi, I'm Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...

...from Yorba Linda, California.

Ha! You look like a talking cupcake.

And you should pick me for Miss California
Quiznos 1999, because I want to:

Tell you what I want
What I really, really want

I'll tell you what I want

What I really, really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna

Really, really, really be
Miss California Quiznos 1999

Play it again. Play it again.

Did he respond yet?

No, not yet.

Hmm. Maybe we shouldn't
have sunk to his level.

It wasn't that bad.

Read it back one more time.

"My good sir, we are neither
crackpots nor wannabes.

In fact, we are experts in our fields.

And while you hide behind your anonymity,
we stand behind our paper.

And later tonight, your mother."

- And you don't think that's too rough?
- We're just standing behind her.

It's not like we're gonna say
"boo" and scare her.

How could you not tell us
you were in beauty pageants?

Because it's embarrassing.

Ha! It is. It truly is.

Yeah, well, Amy writes
Little House on the Prairie fan fiction...

...about herself and posts it on the Internet.

No.

Why? What did I do?

Sorry. I had to get the spotlight off me.

And tearing down women
is part of my pageant training.

Okay, we are reading that right now.

- Please don't.
- We got embarrassed tonight, come on.

- But it's personal.
- Why? Is it about you and Sheldon?

No.

- Oh, my God, it's about her and Sheldon.
- It's not about me and Sheldon.

It's about a young woman
in the 1800s named Amelia...

...and the time-traveling physicist
named Cooper she falls in love with.

- Oh, please show us?
- Please.

- No.
- Uh! You know I'm gonna read it either way.

Good luck finding it.

"Amelia and the time-trav..." Found it. Ha, ha.

"It was just past dawn on the prairie
and like every morning...

...Amelia prepared to do her chores.

Except something about this morning
felt different."

Why?

Why did it feel different?

"Maybe it was the first whisper
of winter in the air.

Or maybe it was the unconscious
handsome man with porcelain skin...

...and curious clothing
she was about to discover lying in the field.

A man who would open
her mind to new possibilities...

...and her body to new feelings."

You know, there was a time
when I was alone and had no friends.

I'm starting to miss that.

He still hasn't responded.
What's taking him so long?

- Do you really want him to write back?
- Yeah, I do.

No matter how he responds,
I'm going to destroy him...

...with a picture of a bored cat,
saying "Oh, really?"

Mee-wow.

What are you doing?

I've created some other user accounts so I
can post positive comments about their paper.

"This wee little bairn of a theory
nearly blew my kilt off"?

No. You have to read it
how Dr. Angus McDoogal...

...of the University of Edinburgh would.

"This wee little bairn of a theory...

...nearly blew me kilt off."

Oh! He wrote back.

"Cooper and Hofstadter resorting
to juvenile attempts at humor...

...is proof they have nothing
to back up their ridiculous paper.

It should come as no surprise
given they work at Caltech...

...essentially a technical school where
even the physicists are basically engineers."

Engineers?

Do you know how insulting that is?

Yes.

Guys, this person's just going
out of their way to get a rise out of you.

Yeah, but it's still so aggravating.

All the other comments said nice things.
Focus on those.

Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik
of Moscow University said:

"This paper great. I love it more than vodka."

See? Better with the accent.

- And send.
- What did you write?

I'm done hiding from bullies.
I am taking this into the real world.

- What does that mean?
- I told him we'll meet face-to-face.

Anytime, anywhere.

You crazy?
You don't know who this person is. Delete that.

- Yeah, come on, Sheldon.
- Okay, okay, calm down.

It's him.

He's trying to video chat.

Perhaps I shouldn't have taken this
into the real world.

Oh, really?

"'Time travel, I don't understand,'
said Amelia.

Cooper stared at her,
'Which word don't you understand...

...time or travel?"'

Wow, even in your fantasies
Sheldon's kind of exhausting.

He's like that in the beginning
so she can change him.

It's called good writing.

And wishful thinking.

"It stung Amelia
when he spoke to her this way.

In her one-room schoolhouse
she was always the smartest student...

...regularly besting the boys in her class.
But this was no boy in front of her.

This was a man."

Here we go.

"Cooper told Amelia about all the
incredible things the future would hold...

...like computers and living past 30.

He asked her if she had any questions.

All she longed to ask was if his heart
was beating as fast as hers...

...but she was too afraid
to hear the answer."

Oh, Amelia.

"So instead she asked if in the future
Montana ever became a state."

Hey, in the 1800s,
that was considered flirting.

I'm so sick of people
being mean on the Internet.

I think the anonymity makes everyone
feel like they can say things...

...they'd never say to your face.

Interesting.

I can't think of a single thing
I wouldn't say to someone's face.

I never noticed that about you.

You know what,
at least you guys did something.

You know, you had a theory, you wrote
a paper, you made an actual contribution.

All guys like this do is just tear down
other people's work.

He's right.

You know, I say we call this person back.

We've got no reason to hide.

All right, do it. Call him.

Let's find out what this loser's
ever accomplished.

Click it with me.

- One, two, three, click.
- Click.

Well, hello, there.

Professor Hawking?

Oh, brother, you should see
the look on your faces.

You really didn't like our paper?

I like your paper very much.

The premise is intriguing.

Then why are you attacking us?

If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years,
you'd get bored too.

Anyway, gotta go.

I promised to help the neighbor kid
with his math homework.

Ciao.

Stephen Hawking liked our paper. Heh.

He said the premise is intriguing.

Good to see you again,
Mr. Stephen-Hawking-Liked-Our-Paper.

And you as well,
Mr. Our-Premise-Is-Intriguing.

How do you do,
Mr. I'll-Admit-That's-Pretty-Cool?

Yeah, you keep setting me up for failure.

"With a heavy heart, Amelia stood
before the newly-repaired time machine.

She regretted giving Cooper
the part he needed."

Because she wanted him
to give her the part she needed.

- Okay, that's enough.
- No, I really wanna know what happens.

And Bernadette really, really,
wants to know what happens.

You're just making fun of me.

No, I was just kidding, I'm sorry.
And the story's really good.

No, it is. Does he stay?

Do they kiss?
Does she find out about Montana?

Please?

Fine.

"As Cooper prepared to depart,
tears filled Amelia's eyes.

He took her hand in his and said,
'I can't stay, but I will never forget you.'

He brushed his fingers against her cheek,
then quickly stepped into the machine.

'Please don't go,' she whispered,
but it was too late.

The engine hummed to life."

But they didn't even kiss.

"She turned away, wiping her eyes.
She couldn't bear to watch...

...her one chance at true love
disappear forever.

Then she felt a strong hand
on her shoulder spin her around.

It was Cooper."

Yes.

"'What about the future?' asked Amelia.

He looked deeply into her eyes
and whispered:

'There is no future without you.'

He pulled her in close.

She began to tremble all over.

She felt his warm breath..."

- You will not believe what Stephen Hawking...
- Get out!

Is the water warm enough?

Given the fact that you took the time
to build a wood fire...

...draw the water from the well and heat it,
it would be rude to complain.

But since you asked, it's a little nippy.

I can fix that.

I couldn't help but notice
your unusual undergarments.

They're not undergarments.
They're Underoos.

Where I come from, they're known
as "Underwear that's fun to wear."

And what's the significance of the spider?

Oh, that represents Spider-Man.

He does whatever a spider can.

There's a lot of rhyming in the future,
isn't there?

You're right.
This is even weirder than I thought.

- You want me to stop reading?
- Are you kidding? No, no.

"As he stood for Amelia to dry him..."

So tell me, Cooper...

...are the ways of physical love
different in the future?

Yeah, okay, I'm good.