The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - The Locomotion Interruption - full transcript

English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] The Big Bang Theory S08E01 (720p) The Locomotion Interruption - HDTV [KoTuWa]

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

We were worried
about you.

Don't be melodramatic.

I'm just getting on a train

and leaving forever.

So a few things
don't go your way

and your best
decision

is to ride the
rails like a hobo?

Leonard, I am overwhelmed.

Everything
is changing,



and it's simply too much.

I need to get away and think.

Sheldon...

Yes?

I'm gonna miss you.

Of course you are.

You just made
that easier.

Excuse me.

Is it at all possible

that you're knitting
a pair of pants?

Oh, well, no, you're
understandably terrified.

But, you know,
allow me to explain.

45 days ago, um,
I embarked on

a railroad journey
of healing



because my university

was making me do
string theory,

and my favorite comic
book store burned down,

and when my roommate
got engaged,

my girlfriend wanted
to move in with me,

which was no doubt
a ploy just to see my--

well, excuse my language,
but my bathing suit parts.

Uh, sir, may I
use your phone?

I don't think so.
Yeah, well,

I understand that
I'm half naked,

but there is
a reasonable explanation.

While I slept
in my sleeper car,

all my possessions were stolen.

Now,

typically,
I wear pajamas,

but I recently adopted
a hobo lifestyle

and pajamas are the
sleep-pants of the Man.

I'll have you know,
Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants

and a nation rallied behind him!

My good man...

Now, before you walk away...

I know that I may
appear deranged,

but I am, in fact,
a world-renowned physicist.

Ask me the difference
between a boson and a fermion.

Go ahead, ask!

Bosons have integer spin,

fermions have half-integer spin!

My legs are getting cold!

Why won't anybody help me?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x01 ♪
The Locomotion Interruption
Original Air Date: 2014-09-22

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

(sniffs)

Morning.

Hi. Want to do
yoga with me?

Um, let me just have
some coffee first,

and then I'll have
the strength to tell you

how much I won't be doing that.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hello, Leonard.

Hey, buddy.
Good to hear your voice.

Uh, I'm in Kingman, Arizona,

and, uh, I need you
to come pick me up.

I'd love to.

I'm just about
to do yoga with Penny.

Leonard, I'm at
the police station.

I was robbed.

Th-They took my phone,

my wallet, my iPad, everything.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

No,

I'm not okay.

I-I'm wearing borrowed pants,

I-I don't have I.D.,

and one of the officers here

won't stop calling me
Chicken Legs.

Okay.

Uh, I'll-I'll
come get you.

What's the address?

Hey, what's going on?
Oh.

He got all of
his stuff stolen.

Oh...

Okay...

Sheldon, hang tight.

Hey, do you want me
to bring anything?

Oh, yes, please.

A pair of pants.

And my toothbrush.

Yeah, and my mail.

And a really good comeback
for Chicken Legs,

because “I know you are,
but what am I?”

was met with stony silence.

I'll be there
as soon as I can.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine, he's
just a little rattled.

Oh...

Feel like driving
to Arizona with me?

I can't, I have
that job interview.

Oh, right.
Besides,

I don't need six hours of
“Your hair is different.

“Why did you change your hair?

I'm holding my breath
until your hair grows back.”

All right, fine.

Hey, can you
think of a reason

I shouldn't invite
Amy to come with me?

Nope.

Come on, you didn't even try.

Thanks for the lift.

What's wrong
with your car?

I'm having my windows untinted.

Why?

Got a hot girlfriend now.

I want the haters to know.

What are you talking about?

No one's paying
attention to you.

Wow.

How's that Hater-Ade
taste, bro?

Hey, this isn't
the way to work.

I just want to pop in
and make sure Ma's okay.

I thought Stuart
was looking after her.

He was, but now that her cast
is off, he moved out.

And honestly, I'm kind of glad.

It was getting a little weird.

How so?

I don't know,
they're...

chummy.

Like us?

No, not like us.

Creepy chummy,

like you and your dog.

She feeds him out
of her own mouth?

I mean, he calls
her Debbie,

she calls
him Stewie

and they're all giggly
around each other.

And believe me,
when food goes in that mouth,

it does not come out.

So are you worried

because he's replacing you
as a son

or are you worried because
he's becoming her lover?

First of all, no one can
replace me as a son.

I'm her little matzo ball.

And secondly,

my mother is well past

having any kind of sex life.

Okay, okay.

Although many older women
lead vibrant, active...

I said well past it!

Excuse me,
Officer Hernandez?

Any leads on the person
who stole my belongings?

Not yet.

Well, perhaps I can help.

Sherlock Holmes
always says

when you eliminate
the impossible,

whatever remains,
however improbable,

must be the truth.

Now, have-have you
tried doing that?

Nope.

Well, maybe you should.

Th-Th-There's lots of books
called “Sherlock Holmes”

and there's no books
called “Officer Hernandez.”

Thanks again
for coming.

Six hours was gonna be
a long drive by myself.

My pleasure.

And I'm not angry at all
that my boyfriend

was in trouble
and called you instead of me.

I love that!

Yeah, time's gonna fly by.

I haven't been on a job
interview in years.

I'm really nervous.

Don't be.

You are built for
pharmaceutical sales.

You're cute,
you're flirty and...

Started that like there
were gonna be three things.

I don't have
any experience in sales.

Unless you count the bikini
car wash I did in high school.

But you already made me
take that off my résumé.

This job is a lot
like being a waitress,

except instead of
pushing the fish tacos

'cause they're
about to go bad,

you're just pushing
our antidepressants

before the FDA finds out they
may cause rectal bleeding.

They do?

Maybe.

But like our lawyers say,
the world is full of things

that can cause a
rectum to bleed.

Anyway, I talked
you up to Dan.

He's the guy who'll
be interviewing you.

Oh, I really appreciate this.

I just hope I'm not
in over my head.

You'll be fine.
Just be yourself.

I wish I felt more confident.
Penny,

I wouldn't have put
you up for this job

if I didn't think
you could handle it.

Oh, thank you,
but maybe I should cancel.

It's too late to cancel.
You're going.

But I don't know anything
about pharmaceuticals.

Oh, I understand.

You want to do something
you're already good at.

I know.

Why don't I get
you a job at

the Sitting Around All Day
Wearing Yoga Pants Factory?

They're comfortable.

Ma, I hope you're decent.
Raj is here!

You just started seeing
naked women again,

and I don't want you
to be confused

about where the boobs should be.

Oh, hey, guys.

What are you
doing here?

Uh... w-what are you doing here?

I thought you moved out.

Oh, yeah, I was going to,

and then Debbie
and I got to talking

over dinner
the other night.

I didn't have anyplace to go,

she likes having me around,

so we both said, “Why leave?”
at the same time.

(laughs)

It was precious.

It's not that precious.

I'd like to
back you up,

but it sounds like it
was pretty precious.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Stewie, I can't find my glasses!

Be right there, Deb Deb!

They're probably on her head.

Or in her neck.
Listen.

You staying here
seems like something

she would've talked
to me about.

Well, maybe if you called your
mother more often, you'd know.

It wouldn't kill you
to pick up the phone.

Any word on my
stolen items?

We're doing everything we can.

You know, Sherlock Holmes

liked to use cocaine
to sharpen his focus.

But I'm sure those Cool Ranch
Doritos are doing the trick.

Sheldon.

(gasps)
Leonard!

Oh, I'm so happy
to see you.

Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine.

Why did you come?

What do you mean,
why did I come?

You're my boyfriend.

I haven't seen you
in over a month.

I just drove six hours
to help you out.

Don't you have
anything to say besides,

“Why did you come?”

I do, but...

I feel uncomfortable
saying it out loud

in front of these
police officers.

Fine.

Whisper it.

Shotgun.

So, Sheldon, tell
us about your trip.

Where'd you go?

Where didn't I go?

I went to New York,

Chicago, Atlanta, Denver,

Seattle.

How were they?

Oh, I have no idea.

I never left
the train station.

Hang on. You traveled
across the entire country

and never left a train station?

Why would I?

That's where
all the cool trains are.

I'm sorry, so you
never went outside?

Or had a single
piece of fruit.

So...

why do you think
you'd make

a good pharmaceutical sales rep?

Well, I'm a people person.
Mm-hmm.

People like me.

Some of my favorite people
are people.

I feel like I'm saying
“people” a lot.

People, people, people, PE...
Okay, I'm done.

You sure?

People.

Yes.

Good!

So, how do you feel

your previous job experience
has prepared you

for a career like this?

Uh, well, as a waitress,
sales was a big part of my job.

I mean, believe me, I convinced
a lot of very large customers,

who should not be
eating cheesecake,

to have more cheesecake.

I mean,

one of those chubsters
even had an insulin pump!

Uh-huh!

I have an insulin pump.

People.
(quiet laugh)

It's weird, right?

A grown man in his 30s
living with my mother.

That is weird.

I thought he was, like, 45.

Come on, you don't think
it's a little odd?

I don't know!
I mean, she's lonely.

He needs a place to stay.

I doubt there's
any funny business going on.

And even if there was,

who cares?
They're both adults.

“Who cares”?!
You wouldn't care

if I slept with your mom?

You know what?
You're my best friend,

and she's in a bad marriage.

I give you my blessing.

This is stupid.

I'm just gonna call my mother
and be honest with her.

'Cause that's
what little matzo balls do.

(line ringing)

STUART:
This is Debbie!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
And this is Stuart!

BOTH:
Just kidding!

STUART:
Leave a message!

(beeps)

(whispers):
This is the part where you talk.

All right, let's say
a physician was prescribing

one of our competitor's drugs.

How would you convince them
to switch to ours?

Um...

any chance his car needs

to be washed by a girl
in a bikini?

(quietly):
No...

Okay, I'm really sorry
for wasting your time.

Don't worry about it.
Thanks for stopping by.

Okay, thanks.

Um, I'm sor...
Listen, could you do me a favor

and not tell Bernadette
how badly I blew this interview?

She'll get upset.

And honestly I'm a...
a little terrified of her.

Wait, wait.
You're scared of Bernadette?

Yeah, kind of.

I thought it was just me!

E-Everyone thinks she's so nice

with that squeaky little voice.

I know, but she's
kind of a bully!

(stammers)
She is!

I-I didn't even want
to meet you,

but, uh, I was too scared
to say no to her.

Me, too!

Yeah, yeah!
One-one time, I had...

Oh! (laughs)
I had to tell her

we were cutting
the-the research funding

for one of the drugs
she was developing.

What happened?

I couldn't do it!

She's still working on it!
(laughs)

(laughing)

Oh!

We're not gonna tell her
about this, right?

Oh, my God, no!
No, no...

At the hot dog stand
in the Denver train station--

Heinz ketchup.

At the hot dog stand

in the Salt Lake City
train station--

Heinz ketchup.

At the hot dog stand in the
Indianapolis train station...

I don't care.

Wrong! Hunt's!

Hey, Amy!
What do you say?

You ready to move on
to the mustard round?

Have you not noticed that
I've been sitting back here

quietly stewing for
the past two hours?

I just thought
you were bad at the game.

I'm mad at you!

How could you just
go away like that

without even
saying good-bye,

and then call Leonard
for help instead of me?

Amy?

May I please have
a moment of privacy

to speak with my roommate?

We're in a moving car!

What do you expect me to do?

Stick my fingers in my ears?

Well, I was thinking
put your head out the window

like a dog, but that'll work.

Please? This'll be quick.

Leonard?

As soon as we get home,

I want to have coitus with Amy.

Okay, she can't hear.

The reason I called you

is because I didn't want Amy

to know I couldn't make it
on my own.

What's the big deal?

Oh, of course it's
no big deal to you.

You idolize me,
and nothing could ever knock me

off that pedestal you put me on.

Well, yeah, it's true.

You-you are a god to me.

Can I stop now?

Just tell her.

I called Leonard because...

I failed.

And I didn't want you
to think less of me.

You were worried about that?

Yes.

Sheldon...

it's okay with me that
you're not perfect.

Can I have one more moment
with Leonard?

Sure.

Amy just hurt my feelings.
I want to break up with her.

Now, I never thought
I'd say this, but I'm

kind of excited to see Sheldon.

I never thought I'd say this,
but Penny got a job today.

She did?

Well, the only reason she got it

is 'cause the guy
who interviewed her loves me.

(knocking)

(clears throat)

What do you want?

I, uh, kind of got the feeling

you might not be okay with me
staying at your mom's.

You're right, I'm not.

I think it's weird.

Howie?

It is. He's a grown man.

He's just gonna
live there rent-free?

How is that gonna motivate him

to get off his butt
and get a job?

I mean, do you even have a plan?

Hey, you're not my father, okay?

And besides, your mother
and I were talking...

“Your mother and I”?
You're not my father!

I didn't say I was your father!

Well, I didn't say

I was your father!
Okay, calm down.

You're not his father,
he's not your father!

Nobody's anybody's father.

I-I'm sorry
you don't like my life choices,

but it's my life!

Well, it's my house,
it's my rules!

Oh-oh! Okay, Dad!

If I mow the lawn,
can I have my allowance?

Hey, don't you take that
sarcastic tone with him!

I don't have
to listen to you!

Don't talk to her like that!

That is my mother... Wife!

My wife! I said my wife!

You know what?

This isn't getting us anywhere.

When you're ready to apologize,
you know where to find me.

Well, yeah, in my house!

That's right, sucka!

I wish I'd never
gone on that trip.

I feel no better now
than when I left.

But you still
accomplished something.

Yeah. If you had
told anyone

that you were going away
on a train by yourself

across the country, do you
know what they would have said?

That I couldn't do it?
Exactly.

Right after they said, “Yay!”

But you did do it.

So what if it didn't
all go your way?

That's what makes it
an adventure.

That's a good point.

Yeah, I'm a lot like
Gandalf the Grey.

He fought the Balrog and emerged

stronger than ever
as Gandalf the White.

I was robbed
of my phone and pants,

and I, too,
came back stronger.

And whiter, too,
'cause I wasn't

in direct sunlight
for six weeks.

See? This trip
was good for you.

Indeed.

I was the world's
smartest caterpillar.

And then after pupating
in our nation's railway system,

I've burst forth

as the world's
smartest butterfly.

Butterfly could've
gotten himself

home from Arizona.

Yeah, I feel renewed.

I'm ready

to deal with any changes

that come my way.

Hey!
Hey!

Look who's back!

Your hair is different.
You changed your hair.

I can't take this.
I'm out.

Would you like to see pictures
from my trip?

I thought your
phone got stolen.

Yeah, it did,
but luckily all my photos

got backed up to the Cloud.

And you thought they
all had a silver lining.

Here-- day one.

Uh, this was the seat

I was going to sit in but didn't

because there were
cracker crumbs on it.

As it was first class,
I suspect Ritz.

This is the train bathroom.

This is the Imodium I took

so I would never have
to use the train bathroom.

I cannot believe

you traveled the
entire country

and never left
the train station.

I know.
You know, I almost died

in a fire in Des Moines,
but I stayed put.

FYI--

that's when
the Imodium gave out.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man