The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Thanksgiving Decoupling - full transcript

The math is all there.

It's not real.
Yes, it is.

Yeah... uh, look.
It is scientifically impossible

for a person to tip a cow.

Even you, with your stocky build

and lumberjack shoulders,
you couldn't do it.

It's horrible. Why would
you push a cow over?

They're sacred.

Oh, stop it.

I've seen you eat,
like, a million hamburgers.

Hey, an animal can be both
sacred and delicious.



Look, I'm telling you
I've done it, okay?

I clearly remember
the cow standing up

and then the cow on its side.

Were you drunk?

I was 16 in Nebraska.
What do you think?

I think you're the one
who fell over.

That would explain why the sky
was also on its side.

Hey.

Howard. Cow tipping:
real or not?

Mmm. I'm gonna say... not.

That's just based on me
trying to roll

my mom over
when she's snoring.

Speaking of that big
side of beef,

uh, she's invited all of you
to Thanksgiving at her house.



Aw.

Mmm.

You know, I've been told
that a bald refusal

of an invitation is rude
and one must instead

offer up a polite excuse, so...

I'd love to go,
but, unfortunately,

that sounds awful.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Uh, we were actually
gonna do it here.

Please? Bernadette's
bringing her dad

'cause her mom's out of town,

and I never have anything
to say to that guy.

Oh, since you put it that way,
I'd love to go,

but that sounds even more awful.

It'd actually be nice
to not hear

Sheldon complain
about my cooking all day.

Yo... uh,
excuse me,

but every year
you prepare a terrible meal

and every year I criticize it.

Do our traditions
mean nothing to you?

I want to go.
Yeah, me, too.

I'm in.
Sheldon.

Ugh, fine,
I'll go.

But if her food is delicious,
Thanksgiving is ruined,

and it's on you.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x09 ♪
The Thanksgiving Decoupling
Original Air Date on November 21, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Do we really have to go
to Mrs. Wolowitz's house?

We do.

And I expect you
to be on your best behavior.

Now I know how the
African slaves felt.

Being dragged
from their homes

to labor under the
yoke of the white man.

Are you honestly comparing
Thanksgiving dinner

at Wolowitz's mom's with
one of the greatest tragedies

in the history of mankind?

Yes.

Sheldon, you can have
a nice Thanksgiving anywhere.

I spent one in Vegas.

You did?

Yeah, back when
I was dating Zack.

It was actually more fun
than I thought.

We gambled, we went to one
of those cheesy wedding chapels,

we had a really good
turkey dinner.

Which was surprising,
since we were at a strip club.

Wait, you went
to a chapel?

Yeah.
Why?

We had one of those
silly fake weddings.

Penny...

you know those are real, right?

No, they're not.

Yeah, they are.

No, they're not.

Yeah, they are.

He's right.
They're real.

But it... didn't seem real.

Let me ask you
a question.

At any point, was
Las Vegas on its side?

Hi, Dad.

Hi, honey.

Oh, you brought beer
for everybody.

Uh, okay, yeah,
it's for everybody.

I really just wanted to have
a nice, quiet day at home

and watch the game.

You can have a quiet day
and watch the game here.

Howard,
the medicine's not working!

You just took it.

At least let it
reach your first stomach!

Hey, Mike.

Let me help you out, there.

Thanks. What's wrong
with your mom?

Oh, her gout's flaring up.

Turns out an apple pie a day
does not keep the doctor away.

How can one little toe
hurt so bad?

Maybe because that little piggy
is being crushed by the barn!

She should
quiet down soon.

I gave her enough pain meds
to choke a... well, her.

I guess we're gonna
have to do all the cooking.

I have a better idea.

If you think you're
gonna make me

do all this by myself,
you're crazy.

I was gonna make Raj
do it all by himself.

Oh, well, that's
a great idea.

No traffic,
we're sailing.

Yes.

Like we're on a ship.

Coming from Africa to America.

Sheldon, that's
completely inappropriate.

You can't keep comparing
yourself to a slave.

Yes, Miss Amy.

I can't believe you're
married to that idiot.

Ugh, would you stop?
We just did it as a goof.

Well, a goof or not,
you're actually married.

You need to get
this taken care of.

I will. Why are you
making this such a big deal?

Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason.

It could be because
you said yes to marrying Zack,

but every time
Leonard's proposed,

he's gotten a resounding no.

Yeah, that's just
off the top of my head.

So how do I undo this?

I'm hoping you can
get an annulment.

It's just like
it never happened.

Great, well, what
do I have to do?

It says here you can
get an annulment

if any of the following
conditions are met.

"Were you unable
to consummate the marriage?"

Penny? Next.

"Is there any evidence
of fraud, bigamy,

want of understanding?"

"Want of understanding?"

What does that even mean?

Ding, ding, ding.
We have a winner.

Thanks for saving the day.

Ah, no problem.

It wouldn't be Thanksgiving

without an Indian
providing the food.

Uh, now, where does your mom
keep the Crisco?

Um, I don't know.

Probably in a wad in her cheek.

I'll help Raj in here. Why don't
you go keep my dad company?

Oh, he doesn't want me in there.
I'm the creepy little guy

who has sex with his daughter.

Don't be silly, he loves you.
Does he?

Okay, he cares about you a lot.
Really?

I do crap for you
all the time. Get out there.

So your wife's in Arizona
with the grandkids?

Uh-huh.

- You know, my mom's been to...
- Arizona.

She rode one of those mules
down in the Grand Canyon.

Long story short,
they had to shoot it.

'Cause she's so fat.

I'll get the door
while you finish laughing.

Hey, guys.

Happy Thanksgiving.

It smells wonderful.

Is anyone slaving away
in the kitchen?

Because I, too, know...
Sheldon.

Here. Thank you for having us.

What's with you?

Oh, she's mad at me

because she just found out
she's married to Zack.

Really?

That dumb-ass
she used to date?

That's hysterical.

I can't believe I felt bad
for opening this in the car.

You need any help?

Uh, yeah, can you, uh, reach
that, uh, gravy boat up there?

Uh, sure.
Great.

That makes one of you.

Okay, we have a lot to do
and not much time to do it.

Bernadette, you're on corn,
gravy and yam detail.

Amy, you're on
rolls, cranberries

and making sure Bernadette stays
away from the marshmallows.

That's right, I see you.

Okay, if you have
any questions,

I'll be over here
basting my ass off.

Focus is key.

Did you guys know Penny
married Zack three years ago?

What?
Wha...?

You ever play football?

A little in college.

You?

No.

But I did get tackled
in the hallway once.

The whole school cheered.

Hey, I found the,
uh, court papers

that you and Zack
need to fill out.

I'll print them when we get home.
Fine.

And we can just put this
whole thing behind us.

Are you done?

What?
Look, I get it, I screwed up.

Is this all we're gonna talk
about the rest of the day?

Why are you mad at me?

You're the one that
did the stupid thing.

I'm just trying to fix it.
Ugh!

I need some air.

Well... Penny.

Now, I don't know the
first thing about women,

but I would not follow her.

Listen to Stretch.

How am I
the bad guy?

She's the one who married
someone else. I'm the victim.

Sounds like Zack's the victim.
You're sleeping with his wife.

I've kept my marriage
together for 35 years.

Can I weigh in here?

Sure.

I'm trying to watch the game.
Shut up.

Oh!

How do you not make
a first down there?

They passed against
a nickel defense.

They should have run it
off-tackle.

How the hell
do you know that?

My father loved football.

He always made me watch it

before I was allowed
to do my homework.

Well, you'll
be happy

to know I just
spoke to Zack

and he's willing to
sign the court papers.

He's on his way here now.

Wait, you invited him here?
Yeah.

I'm getting ready
to weigh in again.

Come on.

What do you think
they ought to do now?

I would throw a quick slant
to a wideout,

given that the defense
is showing blitz.

Oh, I love a good blitz,
especially with sour cream.

Get it?

'Cause it sounds like "blintz."

Did someone say "blintz"?!

I just don't
understand

why you invited
him here today.

Because you wouldn't
shut up about it.

When I called him,
he had nothing to do,

so I just thought it would...

Hey, guys, I'm trying
to cook in here.

Oh, sorry.
We'll keep it down.

No, no, speak up.

I'm about to use the blender,

and I don't want
to miss anything.

Well, you might have
to cook for one more

because she
invited Zack.

- What?
- Ooh!

My, my.

The plot, like my gravy,
thickens.

I don't care for your
mother's bathroom.

There's not an angle
to do one's business

without a clown figurine
staring at you.

That's why I sit.

Yeah, that's why.

You remember
the Thanksgiving game

when it snowed
in Dallas?

1993-- Leon Lett blew the game
in the final seconds

and the Dolphins
emerged victorious.

Then I finally got to do
my calculus.

I was so pissed,
I wanted to shoot my TV.

So was my dad.

And then he did.

Anyone need a beer?
Yeah.

Thank God.

So, does your dad
still live in Texas?

No. He died when I was 14.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So was the man who owned
the local liquor store.

He cried and cried.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

So, if your dad died
when you were 14,

you were never old enough
to have a beer with the man.

No, sir.

He did try to give me one
for my high school graduation,

but I was 11 and my mom said no.

Well, you're having one with me.

All right.

To your dad.

I never had a beer
with my dad, either.

Do you mind?
We're having a moment here.

I can't believe Penny's
married to Zack.

Wonder what she saw
in that guy.

I don't know.

He's sweet, he's tall, handsome.

Broad shoulders, good hair.

Hmm. Wonder what she
sees in Leonard.

How's it going out there?

Sheldon and your dad are bonding
and completely ignoring me.

I know how you feel.

Sheldon ignored me for a week
when he got that Roomba vacuum.

I kick it when he's not looking.

What are they doing?

They're drinking beer
and watching football.

They don't want me.

What do you mean?

Well, Sheldon
started talking

about how his dad
isn't alive anymore,

and they were toasting,
and I tried

to tell them about how sad I was

when my dad abandoned...

Zack's here!

Stir the gravy.

Sorry. I really want
to hear how sad you are.

I'll be back in like five,
ten minutes.

Sorry she made you come
over here on a holiday.

It's all right.
I didn't have anything going on.

Plus, Penny told me
we're married,

and Thanksgiving's a time
to be with family.

Yeah, okay, great.

Can we just get
this over with?

Yeah, uh, you guys
have to sign here and here.

On Monday, we'll file
for the annulment,

and this "marriage"
will be over.

Okay.

I don't know
if I want to sign it.

Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.

Why won't you sign it?

I just think splitting up
can be rough on kids.

We don't have any kids.

Are you sure?
'Cause you didn't know

we were married
until this morning.

Okay, look, Zack, come on.

You know neither of us
thought this was real.

I mean, we were married
by an Elvis impersonator.

Of course it was
an impersonator.

We could never afford
a real Elvis.

You married him
instead of me?

Good call.

Sign the papers.

Hang on.
You know what?

You have been a jerk
about this all day.

You always do this--
whenever I mess up,

you're right there to make me
feel even worse about it.

That is not true.

Yeah, we could've
waited till Monday,

signed the papers,
this all would have been over.

You're the one who
invited him here.

Oh, there you go again--
just another mistake

you're throwing in my face.

Not cool, bro.

I'm starting to think

you're not the kind of guy
I want dating my wife.

Yeah, well,

she's not gonna be
your wife for long.

Oh, no. Are you dying?

I'm about to. Sign the paper.

Know what they say:
"Happy wife, happy life."

Let's eat.

Two, three,
eight, four, six.

That's all I can do
without throwing up.

That is not what I expected

when you said you
were gonna burp "pie."

Did somebody say "pie"?!

I don't know what's scarier:

the bathroom clowns

or the woman
that put them there.

All I know is you can only fit
one of her in a car.

And there's the clown
that came out of her.

I really didn't want
to come here,

but this is shaping up to be

one of the best Thanksgivings
I've had in a long time.

Me, too.

Hey. Howie says you've been
making fun of him all day!

Now, both of you
apologize

right now!

She's so tiny.

It's funny when she's mad.

All right, mister,
I think you owe

Howard and Bernadette
an apology.

Perhaps you're right.

I'm sorry for my behavior.

I've had alcohol,
and it's caused me

to be inappropriate.

It's okay.
Don't worry about it.

Thank you.

Ain't she great?

Mmm.

Sheldon.

Now, how's about you get us
a couple of beers?

Thanks again
for cooking.

Yeah, everything
was delicious.

Well, I couldn't

have done it without
my two favorite girls.

Aw.

Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.

Hey, Sheldon, what do you say
we go outside

and throw around
the old pigskin?

This is a Jewish house.

I don't think they have pigskin.

Did someone say pigskin?

Hey, honey, I'm
sorry about today.

And I promise, next
time I get married,

it won't be a joke.

It'll be for love.

Or money.

I'm sorry, too.

Don't be.

It's my fault.

I was a terrible husband.

I was never around.

I know I'm hard on you,

but you're not the worst
son-in-law in the world.

Mike, that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Well, I'm drunk.

I just vomited
on a lot of clowns.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man