The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Itchy Brain Simulation - full transcript

- Hey, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

You've had this dart board
since I've known you.

But I've never seen you play.

Oh, we played... once.

I broke a window.

What window?

That one over there.

Leonard,
where are the Skee-Ball tickets?

Skee-Ball tickets?

Yeah, from when we went
to the arcade three years ago?

I finally decided what prize I want.



Hurry UP-

If I still have them,
they're probably in the junk box.

- Ooh, what are you gonna get?
- None of your business.

But when you see me wearing
a flower in my lapel later,

you are most welcome to sniff it.

- Yup, got 'em, here you go.
- Oh, thank you.

Here, get yourself an eraser
for your troubles.

Oh, I forgot about this.

My aunt made it for me
when I started college.

Aw, did she hate you?

Why? Because I got an ugly,
itchy sweater,

and my brother got a car?
No, I was her favorite.

Yeah, I seem to be
a few tickets short.

Are there more in the box?



I think I got them all.

Nope, they're not in there.

Well, you barely looked. Let me see.

No, no, no, I looked, and...
No more tickets.

- Leonard, let me look in the box.
- Okay, Okay!

I'm gonna show you what's in the box.
but just... promise not to flip out?

Why would I flip out? Is it a spider?

(GASPS) It's a spider!

No, if it was a spider,
Lenny would've flipped out.

Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed
to return this DVD a long time ago,

and I know we
rented it on your card.

But it's been, like, seven years,

and clearly nothing bad has happened.

So instead of being a giant
pain in the ass, like you always are,

what if this one time
you just tried staying calm?

That seems like a reasonable request.

Although so did, "Hey, Leonard,
would you mind returning that DVD?"

I'm sorry. I'll take care of it.

Okay.

I mean it. I'm going to.

I believe you.

And you're going to stay calm?

I said I would.

How about that?

Sheldon's being reasonable.

Yeah, it's freaking me out.
I'm gonna go.

♪ (THEME SONG PLAYS) ♪

So... when you say

you're not going
to freak out about the DVD,

here's what that means.

Don't fixate on it,

don't wake me up
in the middle of the night,

or nag me through the door
while I'm on the toilet.

Okay, first, talking to you
while you're on the toilet

isn't exactly a picnic for me either.

Remember, when you can hear me,
I can hear you.

And, second,
you completely disregard

how uncomfortable
unresolved issues are for me.

It's like, an itch in my brain
I can't scratch.

When I broke my arm I used
to stick a coat hanger down there.

You ever try that?
Maybe go in through the ear?

You wouldn't make jokes
if you could feel the way I feel.

Well, I don't know how to do that.

How about this?

I promise I won't pester you
about the DVD.

You can defecate in peace.
That's a win for both of us.

But...

until this matter is resolved,

I would like you

to wear this sweater.

With nothing underneath it.

That's stupid. Why?

You say it's itchy and uncomfortable.

I say situations like this
make me feel the same way.

I'm telling you, try the hanger.

Put it on.

Let's share the experience.

You got it.

If this sweater shuts you up,
I'm gonna make a fortune

selling them to everyone we know.

Now all I need to do

is head down to the video store

and return the DVD.

Oh, did I forget to tell you?

That store went out
of business years ago.

Really?

How those nipples feeling, chief?

Penny, can we please get our drinks?

Yeah, hang on, just give me sec.

At work today, I did
an in vivo stereotaxic surgery.

Cool. At my lab, I performed
ten laser capture micro-dissections.

I scraped gum
off the bottom of that table.

Only because my manager
saw me put it there.

Oh, my gosh.

That's the girl
that broke Rajesh's heart.

That's Lucy?

I don't know why but I always
pictured her as Indian.

I think that reason's called racism.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Why? What are you gonna say?

I'm not gonna say anything.
I just want to check her out.

Because she hurt my friend.
My Indian friend.

Who's racist now?

You because you just called him
your "Indian friend."

Yeah, well, you're short.

We're never getting our drinks.

No, but we knew that.

Hey, can I start you off
with something to drink?

- Oh, water would be great.
- Okay.

You're Lucy, right?
I'm a friend of Raj Koothrappali's.

Actually Amy recognized you.

Wow. How's he doing?

Oh, you know, he's good.

Great.

Yeah, this is none of my business.

But why did you break up
with him in an e-mail?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I thought it would be easier.

Yeah, I get that.
I'll go get you your water.

When you say "easier,"

you mean easier for you, right?

'Cause it certainly
didn't make it easier for him.

Any chance I can get
a different waitress?

I'm sorry, this is rude of me.
I will get that water.

See, see, see, see.

Just now you expressed
your feelings to my face.

How come you could do that
with me, but not with Raj?

I don't know your e-mail.

You know what the worst part is?
You're sitting here, perfectly happy

and he's at home, a blubbering mess.

Oh, I thought you said he was okay.

I also said I was getting you water,
but look at me still standing here.

You know, I may be a bad waitress,
but you are a bad person.

Now, you want to hear the specials?

- So, you can never take it off?
- No.

Not even to sleep?

No.

So, you're just an idiot?

It's called proving a point.

Is the point you're an idiot?

Gentlemen, please.

Leonard is trying to walk
a mile in my metaphorical shoes.

He can't walk in my actual shoes.

He has the feet of a toddler.

So, how are you gonna return the DVD
if the store went out of business?

Monday morning I'll go downtown,
look up the owner's information,

send him the DVD.

(SIGHS)

Pay the late fee...

and prove to Sheldon
that you can have a problem...

and solve it...

without acting
like a complete lunatic.

Ahh!

And the man impersonating a bear
would like everyone to know that,

(IMITATES SMOKEY BEAR)
Only you can prevent forest fires.

I don't get it.

You didn't have
Smokey the Bear in India?

No. Oh, is he anything like
Mun-Mun the Mongoose?

He taught us not to play with cobras.

You had to be taught
not to play with cobras?

You had to be taught
not to burn down the forest?

If you guys were hungry, why didn't
you order at the restaurant?

We did.
You never brought it.

Oh, that's right.

Nachos and a turkey club.

Not even close.

Well, I was too busy
standing up for my friend

to worry about your...

I want to say salmon.

You want to say sorry.

So, how are you gonna
tell Raj abut what you did?

What do you mean "how"?
What's the big deal?

You told Lucy he was a pathetic mess.

Then you made her cry and leave.

Okay, you guys are overreacting.

Raj is gonna appreciate
how I had his back.

What is wrong with you, Penny?!

You ruined any chance I had
of getting back with Lucy!

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

Now she knows I'm a desperate mess

instead of just being pretty sure!

It's Lucy.

She wants to meet for coffee.

I love you, Penny!

Hey, what are you working on?

I'm thinking about
how one could use the fact

that a rapidly rotating mirror
turns virtual photons into real ones

as a method of observing dark energy.

That's a pretty cool idea.

Yeah. It's great you're here.

I'd love to get
an engineer's opinion.

Sure.

This chair is squeaky.

Now, do I fix it or get a new one?

Well, Sheldon,
it took me all morning,

but I found the owner
of the video store.

And I am happy to report
that he died peacefully in his sleep,

drunk at the bottom of a pool.

Anyway, there is no one
to return the DVD to,

so this issue is resolved.

And I'd just like to point out that

even though the sweater
was uncomfortable,

I didn't use it as an excuse
to antagonize everyone around me.

You know, you could reimburse
the video store owner's next of kin.

Or it's resolved!

Hey, that next of kin thing
sounds pretty good.

I believe this is yours.

Can I ask you guys a question?

So, I'm seeing Lucy tomorrow night,
and I've never hung out

with someone who broke up with me.
How do you do it?

You can't let her know you're
hurting. The key is confidence.

Why is the key always confidence?

How come it's never
love handles and flop sweat?

If this girl hurt you so much, are
you sure you want to see her again?

Well, if I may,
he has so little self-respect

and is so desperate
for the smallest crumb of affection,

she could literally sleep
with his own father in his own bed

and post the video to YouTube,
and he'd still buy her flowers

and ask her to be his bride.

He's right.

But in my defense,
if we could survive that,

we could survive anything.

Well, if you're sure you want
to do this, it's only coffee.

Just relax and see what happens.

- Well, can I say she looks nice?
- Sure.

Can I tell her I miss her?

Maybe, if she asks.

Can I show her
an oil painting I made of us

surrounded by our children
and grandchildren?

I'd save that for the second date.

Good, good,
'cause no matter how hard I try,

I cannot get the twins to look alike.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just trying to find
the stupid next of kin

to this stupid video store owner,
so I can return the DVD

and see the look
on Sheldon's stupid face

when he sees that I didn't
let this get to me.

Sheldon's not here.
Why don't you take the sweater off?

- There's a principle at stake!
- Which is?

Oh, I don't know.
Who cares? Look at me!

(GASPS)

Oh, my God!
Is that sweater made of bees?

Come on, take it off. I won't tell.

No, no, honey, if I take it off,
Sheldon wins.

Sweetie, every night you don't
kill him in his sleep, he wins.

No, it's almost done.

I just... I have to find
the next of kin, and send 'em the DVD

and then just wait for someone
with my complexion to die

so I can get a skin graft.

Smile.

What is that? What is that for?

So you can send it to Princeton
and get your money back.

I must say, Sheldon,
you're handling this DVD business

with an impressive amount
of maturity.

I don't know why that surprises you.
I'm a grown man.

As should be evident
by this sport coat

and very real flower in my lapel.

Is there some kind of new coping
mechanism you're employing?

The more interesting question
you should be asking is,

"What does this flower smell like?"

I'm gonna go with sad.

So what's the story
with you and this DVD?

There's nothing to tell.

Maybe I purchased a book entitled,

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

and I followed its wise suggestions,
one of which was:

stop and smell the flowers.

- Seriously?
- Please.

Haha!

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Oh, it's so good to see you.
- You, too.

Please, sit.

I got you a cappuccino.
I remembered it was your favorite.

I also got crumb cake,

but remembered
it was my favorite, and I ate it.

Anyway, how are you?

"M pretty good.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize

for breaking up with you
in an e-mail.

And I ate all the crumb cake.
We both made mistakes.

Okay.

I'm so happy you asked me here,

and I hope we can hang out
again sometime.

You know, as friends,
lovemaking partners, whatever.

Oh...

I'm kind of seeing someone.

I think I know the answer to this,

but just to be clear,
it's not me, right?

This is all your fault!

I should've listened to Mun-Mun
because I've been playing

with a cobra and her name is Penny!

Why are you so cruel?
Do you enjoy my pain?

There's a girl at the Cheesecake
Factory I can set you up with.

I love you, Penny!

How is it I can conceptualize
a methodology

of examining dark matter
in the universe

but can't figure out how
to fix a novelty squirt flower?

I think the real question is,

why do you waste your time
with cheap, childish pranks?

There's probably a deep reason,

which I'd be happy
to discuss with you

over some peanut brittle in a can.

Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options!

Video store owner, Nursis Manookian,

has no next of kin!

Well, you seem hot
under the collar...

or is that the sweater?

Oh, oh, no, no.
It's because I spent all afternoon

at the Armenian church
where his funeral mass was held.

According to Father Solakian,

no one attended.

Luckily, my trip
wasn't a complete waste.

I lit a candle
and prayed for your death.

But I'm not Armenian,
so it probably won't work!

This is over, right?

Oh, not necessarily.

I suggest you look
for long-lost relatives

either in Armenia or Lebanon.

Listen to me, Sheldon.

I am not going to Lebanon

to return
Super Mario Bros. the movie!

Anyway, it might be fun.
You love hummus.

Why isn't this bothering you?

Isn't your brain getting itchy?

This is on your card.

This could be ruining
your credit score!

Why isn't this making you crazy?

Leonard...

I have something to tell you,

but I want you to promise
not to flip out.

What?

Seven years ago,

I found out the DVD was late
and I paid for it.

What?

I was going to mention it
at the time,

but then I thought, some day,

this might be a teachable moment.

(GASPS)

Ahh!

But I...?! You...?! How...?!

What?!

Sheldon, that was diabolical.

I know.

And it wasn't easy.

Do you have any idea what it's like
to wait for years,

and never know if you're going
to finally get satisfaction?

Wow.

You're even prettier than Penny said.

I can't believe a girl like you
doesn't have a boyfriend.

Well, I don't.

I don't believe you.
You're lying to me!

What?

It's okay. I have no morals,
and I'm desperately lonely.

I'll be the other man if you want
a little something-something

on the side.

What is wrong with you?!

(English US - SDH)