The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 24 - The Status Quo Combustion - full transcript

How's your mom holding up?

She's doing okay,
but we just lost another nurse.

How many is that now?

Two, and I know what you're
thinking. She's eating them.

She's just so impossible,
they keep quitting.

So, who's watching her now?

A bowl full of M&M's
with a few Ambien tossed in.

What up, guys?

-Hello.
-Hey.

Okay, well, now that everyone's here,

Penny and I have some big news.



We're engaged!

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

And I thought me having sex with
Emily was gonna be the big news.

-Oh, my God!
-Hey! Hey!

What the hell!

You guys propose all the time.
This never happens.

You're right!

(THEME SONG PLAYS)

Boy, I'm so hungry today.

I wonder why?

Because you had sex the other night?

You know what?

That may be it.

By the way,
it isn't like riding a bike.



Like, I fell off a few times.

-Hey, buddy.
-Hello.

You okay?

I just got called
into President Siebert's office.

The university
won't let me switch my field

of study to inflationary
cosmology.

They're forcing me
to continue with string theory.

-Why?
-He said it's why they hired me,

it's what my grant
was designated for,

and that everybody has to
do things they don't want to do.

He then gave an example
of something he had to do,

even though he didn't want to,
which was look at my stupid face.

That's a rude thing to say out loud.

It's an outrage. Honestly, I'm
tempted to leave the university.

You know, if you're
really serious about that,

I hear there are some
exciting opportunities

in home care for the old and fat.

Whatever you do,
just don't make any rash decisions.

I don't know. I am really aggravated.

When I'm feeling low,
I have sex with a girl.

But that's just me.

-Oh, come on, give her a chance.
-No.

No, life, it is too short.

I know you've only been here
a day and a half,

but you're like part of the family!

I don't think the service
is gonna send any more people.

Yeah, maybe it's time we just
release Ma back into the sea.

That's not helpful.

Well, then, we may need
to get used to the idea

that we're gonna be living here
the next few months.

But we have jobs.
We can't babysit her 24 hours a day.

Well, what if we use
our vacation time?

I wanted to go to Hawaii, not Hell.

I don't know what else we can do.

Howie, I love you, and as your wife,
your mother is every bit

as much my problem
as she is yours, so...

...I want a divorce.

Hello, Leonard.

Hi, Mom.

I have some exciting news.

I'm listening.

Before I tell you,
will you promise to try

and be happy for me and keep
any concerns you have to yourself?

No.

Let me save you all
of your hemming and hawing.

Sheldon already told me
that you and Penny are engaged.

I hate that you talk to him
more than you talk to me.

Would you like for you
and me to talk more?

You know what? It's probably fine.

In any event,
while I've had my misgivings

about... Penny...

...Sheldon spoke very fondly of her

and if she is good enough for him,

then she's good enough for me.

I'm your son. What about the fact
that she's good enough for me?

Sure.

Thanks, Mom.

Leonard, would it make
you feel better

to hear that your mother
approved of your life choices?

Yes, it would.

Yeah, well, you should work on that.

No, Mom, it's the same guy I've gone
out with for the past two years.

Yeah, the scientist.

Well, it's complicated. I mean, he
works with lasers and atomic magnets.

No, I did not see it coming.

No, we did not set a date.
No, I'm not pregnant.

Yeah, this is a first for our family.

All right, tell Dad I love him.
I gotta go. All right, bye.

-Atomic magnets?
-Shut up.

Sony I'm late.
The leaf blower broke,

so I had to hand-dry
my mother-in-law.

-You want some wine?
-Thanks.

Little warning before you jump

you're not just marrying him,
you're marrying his family.

I think Leonard's mom's okay with me.

It doesn't matter if she's okay

can she go
to the bathroom by herself?

Hit me again.

So, what are the living
arrangements gonna be?

Well, haven't really talked
about it yet, but I figure,

at some point, I'll move in
with him, or he'll move in with me.

Well, with you not working,
that makes financial sense.

You're not working! How would you
like a job in home health care?

Not a chance.

-Please. I'm desperate.
-No.

-I'll pay you anything you want.
-Okay, then, yeah.

No! Keep your money!

I could've ridden
a bull longer than that.

What you working on?

I'm writing an appeal
to the Faculty Senate,

so that I can move
on from string theory.

How's it going?

You tell me.

"Dear esteemed colleagues,

As you may know, I have requested
to change my field of study.

My decision to do so is, I believe,
in the best interest of science.

At your convenience,
I'd be happy to explain it to you

in words you'll understand?

It's nice that
you called them esteemed.

You're right. I'll take that out.

So, listen, there was something
I was hoping to float past you.

Now that Penny and I are engaged,

I thought we might want to talk
about our living arrangements.

Of course.

She's spent many nights here,
and you're worried

about preserving the myth
of her virginity before the wedding.

-I'm not.
-Good,

because not only
has that ship sailed,

if it hit an iceberg,
countless men would perish.

Actually, this is about
where she and I are going to live.

What do you mean?

Well, well, we might
want to live together.

Oh, yeah, well, I've already
given this some thought,

and I'm willing
to let Penny live with us

one day a week for a trial period.

Now, obviously,
not when she's made cranky

by the shedding
of her uterine lining.

That's very sweet.

But we were thinking more of us
maybe living together with...

...not you.

I don't understand.

How could we all live together
if I'm not there?

Look, I know this is...
this is change,

-and that sounds scary--
-Where are you going to go?

I don't know.

We just started to think about this.

Maybe I'll move in with Penny,

or maybe she and I'll take this
place, you can move across the hall.

Move across the hall?

Did you take a marijuana?

No, I did not.

Did you get hit on the head
with a coconut?

-No.
-Well, then, I'm all out of guesses.

What? Me move across the hall-- Why
would you even suggest such a thing?

Because I love Penny, and want
to give her the life she deserves.

I see.

You're putting your future
bride's happiness above mine.

Well, yeah.

Wow.

How dare the university force me
to go back to string theory!

They just don't appreciate you.

Yeah, and on top of that,
Leonard has the audacity

to suggest that now
that he and Penny are engaged,

he may not want
to live with me anymore.

Here, I made you
some Strawberry Quik.

I have real problems here, Amy.

I can't be mollified with
a beverage designed for children.

Mm. Yummy.

You know,
this might work out for the best.

You're always complaining about
what a terrible roommate Leonard is.

Like how he turns up
the thermostat when you're not there.

Ugh. It's like
walking into the Amazon.

And not the good Amazon
with one-day shipping.

The awful one with birds and snakes.

You hate the sound of all
those keys on his key chain.

Four keys!

Who does he think he is, a warden?

See? Maybe you'll love living alone.

I don't know. Perhaps.

And if it turns out you don't...
you and I could live together.

You and--
Oh, sure.

And while we're at it,
why don't we get engaged, too?

Why don't we get a little house,
start a family?

Enjoy our sunset years together?
Do you hear yourself, woman?

-Sheldon, it was just a thought.
-No. Here's a thought.

You're not moving in,
Leonard's not moving out,

everything stays
exactly the way it is.

And by the way, I saw you make
this Strawberry Quik with syrup,

and you're supposed
to use the powder!

-It tastes the same.
-No. The syrup tastes better,

and I don't like it.

This is so sweet!
You never cook for me.

Well, you cook for me
all the time and...

If you don't like my cooking,
why haven't you ever said anything?

It's hard to talk
with so much heavy chewing to do.

-Sorry. I'll get better.
-I know you'll try.

So, should we talk
about setting a date?

Well, I'd like to pick one that works
with my brother's schedule.

Okay, and when would that be?

Uh, 12 to 18 months from now,
depending on good behavior.

-Hi, is Sheldon here?
-No, I thought he was with you.

He was, but he stormed off.

-Now he isn't answering his phone.
-What happened?

He was really angry
that you suggested he move out.

Oh.

I also mentioned
that he and I could live together,

but he was too mad at you to realize
what a great idea that is.

Well, he's been having
a couple of tough days.

I'm sure he's fine.

He probably just needs
a little alone time to decompress.

You're probably right.

So, what are you guys doing?

Well, Leonard cooked for me and now
we're just having a nice dinner,

you know, as a newly engaged couple.

That's nice.

Anyway, as I was saying,

Sheldon probably just
needs a little alone time.

'Cause that's important.

Not just for him, but for...

...most anybody, really.

Don't I know it.

-What is that, polenta?
-Amy, get out.

Right.

No.

Hey, Sheldon.

What happened?

I was cooking
in the back room last night

-and the hot plate caught on fire.
-And you couldn't put it out?

I was across the street
at the do-it-yourself car wash,

taking a shower.

So when will you reopen?

Um, I don't know. I'm waiting to hear
back from the insurance company.

So, tomorrow?

I don't mean to be rude,
Sheldon, but,

my life is kind of
falling apart right now.

Your life?

The university is making me
do string theory,

and my girlfriend loves me
so much she wants to live with me.

And now, the place I need to go when
I'm sad is damp and smells funny.

Well, sorry I let you down.

No, I do not accept this.

Everything is changing and I hate it.

It stops now. I'm helping you
get back on your feet.

I would like to purchase
this comic book, please.

That'll be $2.99.

Really? it's soaking wet.

Fine, a dollar.

-Can you break a 20?
-No, I only have hundreds.

You know what?

I don't always recognize sarcasm,
but I do right now,

and I don't appreciate it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

But you're not the only one
whose day has been a disaster.

That could have killed me.

I can't catch a break.

I haven't heard from Sheldon
in a while. You think he's okay?

Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

I'm gonna see where he ls.

How?

I know his password,
so I can track his phone.

You do that?

Not always, but ever since
he wandered off at the swap meet

chasing a balloon, I get worried.

He can take care of himself.

Look, we went over stranger danger
and gave him that whistle.

That's weird.

-What?
-He's at the train station.

So? He loves trains.

It's dark out and he's alone,
I don't like it. Let's go get him.

Oh, it's sweet how you look out
for him. You're a good guy.

Not just that. My mother would kill
me if I let something happen to him.

-Dude, I'm so sorry.
-Don't take this the wrong way,

but did you do this
for the insurance money?

No. God, you sound
like the police, the firemen,

my parents, my therapist
and the insurance company.

We're here for you, man.
Whatever you need, okay?

Actually, I was wondering if I could
crash at your place for a few nights.

Sure, of course. Oh, actually,
Emily was gonna spend the night.

You slept with her? Nice.

Well, I can't take all the credit.
She let me do it to her, but...

But I can always
call her and cancel.

Hang on.
I know a place you can stay,

and earn some money at the same time.

-Great.
-I just have to warn you,

it'll involve humiliation,
degradation and verbal abuse.

So what's the catch?

Sheldon.

You tracked my phone?

Yeah.

Boy, you chase one balloon
for three miles.

We were worried about you.

Don't be melodramatic.

I'm just getting on a train
and leaving forever.

Seriously? You don't even have
a change of clothes or a toothbrush.

My plan is to stop
at malls and buy what I need.

It's called living off the land.

Okay, I know you're upset
and there's a lot of stuff going on,

but it's nothing we can't work out.
Come on, let's get you home.

No. I've reached my breaking point.
I need to leave. Now.

-And go where?
-It doesn't matter.

So a few things don't go your way,

and your best decision
is to ride the rails like a hobo?

I suppose it is.

Except I have a credit card.

And I refuse to carry
my laptop at the end of a stick.

And I'd sooner die
than eat beans out of a can.

Come on, come home with us and
tomorrow I'll take you to Legoland.

Legoland is not
the solution to everything.

And it's too much of a scene
since that movie came out.

-Then what can I do?
-Leonard, I am overwhelmed.

Everything is changing
and it's simply too much.

I need to get away and think.

Oh, come on,
you know you're overreacting.

Leonard, hang on.
Just... come here for a second.

Maybe we need to let him go.

-What! Why?
-It might be good for him.

You know he can't
take a trip like this by himself.

-He's a grown man.
-No, he looks like a grown man.

You've seen Freaky Friday,
sometimes little kids

end up in big person bodies.

Leonard,
we can't protect him forever.

-I know, but--
-He'll be okay.

You taught him well, Padawan.

Good Lord! Padawan's the student,
not the teacher.

Seriously, let him go.

Sheldon, if you really need to
do this, I won't stand in your way.

I do.

Okay. Good luck.

Be safe and call us.

I will.

Bye, buddy.

-Sheldon...
-Yes?

I'm gonna miss you.

Of course you are.

He just made that easier.

Hey!

What are you guys still doing here?
I got this, go. Go home.

You sure?

Yeah, she's fed, she took her pills,
she's all tucked in and watching TV.

So, she's not too much for you?

Are you kidding?
I love her, she's great.

Stewie, you gonna watch
Wheel of Fortune with me?

Coming, Debbie.

-You call her Debbie?
-She insisted.

So, hey, guys, thank you so much.

This job is a dream come true.

Was that a little weird?

Yeah.

I don't know why,
but something about it feels...

...unnatural.

-Okay, let's go.
-Yep.

Okay, Sheldon,
thanks for checking in.

Talk to you tomorrow?

Okay, bye.

He's okay?

Actually sounds like
he's doing pretty well.

I really think
this is gonna be for the best.

Me too. And he was able
to take a sabbatical from--

How could you let him go!