The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 23 - The Gorilla Dissolution - full transcript

Almost there.
You're doing great.

Thanks for lifting my spirits.
Next time, try lifting the box.

Please hurry.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
I don't need a treadmill!

The doctor says you need
to get exercise!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
I get plenty of exercise!

(SHOUTING) Crushing my will
to live isn't exercise!

If she isn't gonna use it,
then why are we doing this?

She'll use it.
All I need is to rig it

with a fishing pole
and a HoneyBaked ham.

All right.



Now what?

- We set it up in Howie's old room.
- Do you know how to set it up?

Please, I'm an MIT-trained engineer.
I think I can handle...

Ma, look out!

- (THUD)
- (YELLING)

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
I told you this thing would kill me!

♪ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪

So she's gonna be laid up
for at least six weeks.

Poor Mrs. Wolowitz.

Should we do something for her?

I know. Let's go see
the new Spider-Man movie.

Sheldon, we're talking about
your friend's mother. She got hurt.

I thought that subject had run
its course, so I changed it.

It's called reading the room, Amy.



- Hi.
- Hey, how were things on the set?

Pretty good, actually.

So the movie's
not as bad as you thought?

Oh, no, it is, but I decided,
instead of complaining about it,

I'm just gonna go in
every day and give it my all.

- Good for you.
- Thanks.

There's no reason
why I shouldn't be the best

bisexual go-go dancer
slowly transforming

into a killer gorilla
anyone's ever seen.

I don't know. The bisexual gorilla
go-go dancer in Schindler's List

is tough to beat.

Ah, very good.

Because a gorilla go-go dancer
of any sexual preference

would be out of place in a film
about the Holocaust.

It only gets funnier
when you explain it, Sheldon.

I know.

(SIGHS)
Okay, she's all settled in the guest room.

Maybe we should get one of those
machines to help her up the stairs.

You mean a forklift?

- Howie...
- I'm sorry.

I just can't deal
with this right now.

Taking care of your own mother?
How can you say that?

Bernie, she's gonna be off her feet
for six to eight weeks.

Are you prepared to feed her,
wash her and take her to the toilet?

- I would do it for my mother.
- Yeah, of course you would.

You're a loving person.

I'm what my people would call a putz.

Look, I'm not crazy about the idea,
but what other choice do we have?

We get a nurse. Preferably someone
from a third world country

who's used to suffering
and unpleasant smells.

You'd hire a total stranger
to take care

of the woman who raised you?
That's so cruel.

Not if we pay them well

and let them listen
to the music of their homeland.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: I need to tinkle!

Sounds like the job
for a loving person.

Would you liike me to play Polish music
while you carry her to the toilet?

You are a putz.

As advertised.

Thanks for coming with me.

Thanks for inviting me
after everyone else said no.

Aren't you gonna get 3-D glasses?

I brought my own.

No sense in risking
bridge-of-nose herpes.

Is that a real thing?

Well, until they invent
nose condoms, I'm not finding out.

Emily! Hey!

Oh, hey, Raj.

This is my friend, Sheldon.
Sheldon, this is Emily.

Oh, yes, you're the dermatologist.

I went for a walk yesterday
without sunscreen.

Do you see anything on my forehead

that I should be concerned about?

Um, you know what? I better go.
My movie's about to start.

- Are you here alone?
- No, not really.

- What do you mean, "not really"?
- Hey, should we get our seats?

Yeah. It was nice seeing you.
I'll call you later.

Yeah, okay.

That was awkward, right?

Is it because she's dating you
but was out with that other fellow?

- Yes.
- Good.

I thought she saw
something on my forehead.

And... action.

- Please don't shut me out.
- PENNY: Go away.

Just go away.

I swear, I will find
a way to turn you back.

What gave you the right to mix my DNA
with that of a killer gorilla?

I was trying to save your life.

Life? What life?
Look at me! I'm a monster!

And now I have blood on my hands,
or paws. I don't know.

You can't give up.
I love you.

I love you too.

But I'm afraid I love killing more.

Like, one day,
I might actually try and kill you!

(MANIC SCREAMING)

And... cut.
All right.

All right,
let's set up for the next scene.

Actually, know what?
Can we do one more?

I think I could do it better.

Let's just move on.
No one cares.

Well, I care.
I mean, look, if we're gonna do this,

why not try and make it
something we're actually proud of?

Look, sweetie, this movie is garbage,
but you should be happy about that,

'cause if it was a good movie,
you wouldn't be in it.

Whoa, whoa, hang on.
There's no need to insult her.

- And who are you?
- I'm her boyfriend.

- Isn't she too hot for you?
- A little, yeah.

Well, boyfriend, get off my set.

You can't do that.
He's with me.

You know what? You can get off
my set, too. You're fired.

What? You can't fire me.
I'm the star.

I'm the girl that goes bananas.
It says so on the poster.

Yeah, but we just shot the last scene
where we see your face.

So from now own, the star
of the movie is whoever wears this.

Hey, if you're gonna fire her,
then you have to fire me too.

Wow, that fell apart really fast.

Thanks for skipping the movie.

I couldn't sit in that theater
for two hours

wondering about Emily and that guy.

Oh, quite all right.

After my forehead melanoma scare,

I've learned not to sweat
the small stuff.

Well, sorry, I don't have all
the ingredients to make chai tea.

- You don't have to make me anything.
- No, I do.

You're upset about Emily
and you're Indian.

I need to make you chai tea.

Now, I have all the ingredients
except cardamom seeds.

Do you happen to have any on you?

Sorry, I left them in my turban.

Oh, I'll make English breakfast tea.

They destroyed your culture.
That's close enough.

You know, I'm curious,

why are you so upset
about seeing Emily with another man?

Wouldn't you be upset if you saw
Amy out with someone else?

Can't happen. We have an ironclad
relationship agreement

which precludes her from physical
contact with anyone other than me.

But you don't have sex
with her either.

(SCOFFS) Slick, huh?

To be truthful,
Emily and I haven't dated that long,

and we never agreed
to be exclusive to each other.

Have you had intercourse?

No.

Well, stick to your guns.
There will be a lot of pressure.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: I'm hungry again!

It's like the world's
fattest cuckoo clock.

You know, you're always talking
about having a baby someday.

- This is exactly what it'll be like.
- No, it's not.

Come on. The constant fussing,
eating, pooping, burping, drooling.

We're even waiting for the day
when she can finally walk on her own.

Maybe you're right.

Anything she finds on the floor
goes right in her mouth.

I'm just telling you now,
if we do have kids,

don't expect me to do all the work.

Hey, I'm a very paternal person.

I'd be excellent
at taking care of a baby.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: I'm still hungry!

(SHOUTING) I'm coming, you big baby!

You know, the only thing
worse than doing a movie

where they glue monkey hair
to your ass

is getting fired from a movie where
they glue monkey hair to your ass.

Forget it, man, it's crap.
You just move on to the next thing.

Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say.
You used to be famous.

Hey. I just lost a job for you.

You're right,
I'm sorry, you're famous.

Penny, it's not about being famous.
It's about the art.

It's about the passion
we have for our craft.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I have an audition
for Sharknado 2!

If I book this, I am totally gonna
pay you back for this beer.

God, what am I doing with my life?

You having second
thoughts about acting?

You were on set,
you saw what it was like.

Yeah, but it's not always that bad.

Oh, really?

What about when you did Anne Frank
at that cute little theater?

It was over a bowling alley.

Yeah, but...

there was ample parking.

Are you done?

And you were so good
in the TV commercial.

It was for hemorrhoid cream.

And I got itchy and swollen
just watching you.

Leonard, you are really
not cheering me up.

Come on. How can you be sad
when you're going home

with all five-foot-six of this?

You think you're five-foot-six,
that's funny.

I don't understand it.

I'm a nice guy, I have a great job,

I'm well-educated,
come from a good family...

Why don't women want to be with me?

An interesting question.

Well... good night.

What? Don't send me home.
I can't be alone right now.

That's your problem.
You can't be alone.

What do you mean?

How many women
have you had dates with?

Eleven.

How many of those women did you think
would become your perfect companion?

Eleven.

Wait. Do I count the 200-pound
Sailor Moon girl

that Howard and I had
a threesome with at Comic-Con?

Sure.

I'll stick with 11.
She liked Howard better.

Well, now do you see the problem?

Maybe. I...
I don't know.

It's late, I... I should...
I should go.

Look, I do get what you're saying.

Instead of desperately clinging
to any woman who will go out with me,

I need to work
on my fear of being alone.

I was trying to suggest
chemical castration, but...

it's my bedtime, so whatever
gets you out the door. Good night.

Howie, I'm back!

(SHUSHING)

I just got her to sleep.

Sorry.

What took you so long?
The grocery store's a few blocks away.

They only had regular yogurt.
I had to go to a different store

to get the extra-fat kind
your mom likes.

Then why do I smell coffee
on your breath?

So what? After two days
of taking care of her,

excuse me for stopping
to get a mocha.

(HIGH-PITCHED) A mocha?
Well, it must be nice to be queen.

Queen?
I've been killing myself here!

Well, whose fault is that? I wanted
to get a nurse, but you were all,

(IMITATING BERNADETTE)
"I'm nice. I want to take care of people."

I'm glad I got that mocha.
And you know what else I'm glad about?

(SHOUTING) I bought you a brownie
and I ate it in the car!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard!

Thanks a lot.
Now I have to go rub her belly again.

(KNOCKING)

- Hey.
- Thanks for letting me come over.

Of course.
Please, come in.

I just wanted to say how sorry
I am about tonight, and...

I want to make sure that we're okay.

Look, you and I haven't made
any commitments to each other.

I know.
I just felt like I needed to explain.

The guy I was
with did my last tattoo,

and he's been
asking me out for months.

I finally said yes
just to get it over with.

- It's okay.
- Really?

Well, I mean, yeah,
it freaked me out a little,

but that's my issue, not yours.

Wow.

If I saw you out with another woman,
I'd be pretty upset.

Thank you.

Not just for being upset,
but for believing that could happen.

Just so you know,
I'm not seeing anyone else.

Well, me neither.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Please.

- So, you... You have tattoos?
- Yeah.

I don't.

I have a hole in my belly button that
may or may not have been a piercing.

- That's cool.
- It's a piercing.

So... how many tattoos?

One on my shoulder,
one not on my shoulder

and one really not on my shoulder.

It's, uh... been a long time
since I've seen a girl's...

really not her shoulder.

Well...

how about you show me
your piercing

and I show you my tattoos?

But before I take my shirt off,
I just need, like,

ten minutes to do some crunches.

Oh, my God.

What a day.

Can I get you anything?

No.

I need to start
making some smart decisions.

With your career?

With my life.

Like What?

I don't know.

We could get married.

- Come on, be serious.
- I am.

Why?
Because I'm a "smart decision"?

Well, yeah.

So, I'm like a bran muffin.

What, no, that's not what I'm saying.

No, it's exactly what you're saying.
I'm the boring thing

you're choosing
because I'm good for you.

What does it matter?
The point is, I'm choosing you.

Well, it matters a lot.
I don't want to be a bran muffin.

I want to be a...
Cinnabon, you know?

A strawberry Pop-Tart.

Something you're excited about even
though it could give you diabetes.

Sweetie, you can be
any pastry you want.

No, no. No, it's too late.
I'm your bran muffin.

Probably fat-free
and good for your colon.

You know what? Forget it.
I never should've brought it up.

You know I want to marry you,
but you're only doing this

because you got fired
and you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Okay, it may look that way,
but getting fired

from that movie was the best thing
that could have happened to me, okay.

I finally realize
I don't need to be famous

or have some big career to be happy.

- Then what do you need?
- You, you stupid Pop-Tart!

Oh.

Then I guess I'm in.

Really?
You guess you're in?

Not like, "I guess I'm in."
Like "I guess I'm in!"

Okay. Cool.

So is that it?
Are we engaged?

Yeah, I think so.

All right.

What's wrong?

I'm not sure.
Just... feels a little anticlimactic.

Yeah, it kind of does, huh?

Oh, I know.

This might help.

Where did you get a ring?

I've... had it for a couple years,
not important.

Penny... will you marry me?

Oh, my God, yes.

This would have been
so much more romantic

if you didn't have
monkey hair on your finger.

How you feeling?

Last night was a little rough,
but I think we're gonna get through this.

I'm proud of us.

Me, too.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Where's my pancakes?

Coming, Mrs. Wolowitz!

- You were right.
- Welcome to Team Putz.

(English US - SDH)