The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 21 - The Anything Can Happen Recurrence - full transcript

So, we're about to shoot
this scene in the movie

where the killer ape DNA
is slowly taking over my body.

Okay.

But I realize they're gluing fur
everywhere except my cleavage.

So, I asked the director why
and he says,

"It's important
to the story that my boobs

be the last things to turn ape."

It's sweet that he thinks
there's a story.

Oh, and there's not
even a bathroom on set.

I had to go to the gas station
across the street.

I mean, I was dressed
like half an ape



and still not even close to the
most disgusting person in there.

Leonard, I could use
your assistance.

- Sure. What's up?
- Well, now that I've given up

string theory, I'm struggling
to find my next area of focus.

In your professional opinion,

which of these areas do you think
is the most promising?

Well, I think there's some
really innovative stuff

- going on in dark matter.
- That's helpful.

- Okay, of these four areas...
- Sheldon!

What did we say about
being a nicer friend?

- Thank you.
- Leonard, what did we say

about being a gullible weenie?

- It is just so frustrating.
- 'Cause you're trying too hard.

You need to do something else.
Get your mind off it.



Hey, how about we bring back
Anything Can Happen Thursdays?

Hey, that's good.
Why'd you guys stop doing that?

You made fun of us.
Said it was stupid.

Yeah. Sounds like me.

Come on, Sheldon.
What do you say?

All right. I officially reinstate
Anything Can Happen Thursday.

Great!
What do you want to do?

I don't know.
What do you want to do?

I'm starting to remember the problem
with Anything Can Happen Thursdays.

Hmm.

What could we do that's fun?

What could we do that's different?

What could we do that's free'?

Got it! We order a pizza.

Are you kidding? That's what you
always do. Think harder.

You're right. You're right.
Got it!

We order calzones, cut them open,
eat them like pizza.

All right! All right!
I'll shake the brain bush one more time,

see what falls out.

Got it! There's a live-action
role-playing group

that meets every Thursday night
in Griffith Park

and reenacts battles
from Lard of the Rings.

Okay, tell me more
about this calzone idea.

You know what?
Why don't we just ease into this.

Let's go for a walk
and see if we find a new restaurant.

Any chance that restaurant
is near Griffith Park?

- No.
- All right.

Raj and Howard
are at Howard's moms,

but should we call the girls
and see if they want to come?

- No. Bernadette's working late.
- Amy's sick.

- What's wrong with her?
- Well, she talks a lot.

She always wants to hold hands.

That's not what I meant.

Well, if you were
referring to her illness,

your question should have been,
"What ails her?"

- What ails her?
- Oh. Who knows?

Come on, anything can happen.
We can push him down the stairs!

Hey. Thanks for coming to hang out.

No problem. How's your mom feeling?

Okay, but she'd feel better
if she took her medicine.

You know, when Cinnamon
won't take her medicine,

I hide it in a piece of cheese.

Good idea.
We can wrap the pill in cheese,

feed it to Cinnamon,
and then my morn can eat Cinnamon.

- What do you feel like doing?
- I was thinking we could watch a DVD.

Well, my mom doesn't have
a lotto choose from.

Unless you want to watch
the video of her colonoscopy.

20 minutes in,
they find a prune pit.

Actually, how do you feel about
watching House of 1000 Corpses?

A straight-up gore-fest'?
You hate this stuff.

I do, but for some reason,
Emily loves it

and wants to watch it
with me tomorrow,

so I thought if
I saw it with you first,

then I could act cool
about it with her.

That's actually not a bad plan.

I can sit through
the colonoscopy now,

but that first time I was like,
"Oh, my God, a prune pit!"

- So you'd watch it?
- Sure.

You're a good friend.
I owe you one.

Howard!
Help me get out of the tub!

Not that one.

So we're just randomly
choosing a restaurant

- without researching it online'?
- Yep.

Great.

This is how Anything Can
Happen Thursday turns

into It Won't Stop Coming Out Friday.

Hey, how about
that Asian fusion place?

Fusion and Asians?

I'm trying not to
think about science.

What the hell'?

What... she's not working late!

- And Amy doesn't look sick.
- Why would they lie to us?

That's a good question.

Amy and Bernadette.

Amy and Bernadette.

Why did you lie to us?

Hey. Listen to this.

"Murder, cannibalism
and satanic rituals

are just a few of the thousand-plus
horrors that await."

I just helped my mom
out of the tub,

so I'm one slippery horror
ahead of you.

You're a good son.
I don't know how you do it.

Beach blankets, my friend.
It's all about beach blankets.

All right,
let's get this over with.

Ew!
It's got someone's hair on it!

Oh, yeah, you're gonna
do great with this movie.

You're not working late.
Why did you lie to me?

And Amy, you told me you were sick,

but you look just as pale
and tired as always.

I'm sorry.
I just needed a break

from hearing you obsess about
what to do after string theory.

And we kind of just wanted one night
where we didn't have to hear

about how miserable you are
making this movie.

But none of that means
we don't love you.

I haven't been complaining
that much about the movie.

Have I?

I also love you.

You know what?
Maybe I need a break from all of you.

- Come on, Sheldon.
- Where are we going?

We're gonna have
Anything Can Happen Thursday.

You're gonna tell me all about your
science stuff and I'm gonna complain

about my movie,
and we're gonna support each other

because that's what friends do.
- Okay.

If I had to pick now,
I'd probably go with dark matter...

Shut up.

- What's wrong?
- I don't understand my food.

Chinese noodles
with Korean barbecue...

in a taco.

It's fusion.

Well, my mother would
lock her car doors

if she had to drive through
this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

Think I've been complaining
too much about the movie?

- Not at all.
- Thank you.

But to be fair, when you talk,
most of what you say sounds like,

"Wah, wah, wah, clothes.
Wah, wah, wah."

Hey, I don't understand
why you're not upset with Amy.

I am. So much so that
I'm gonna bring her here

for dinner on our next date night.

Okay.

So, in the last 20 minutes,

we've seen a crazy woman
kissing a fetus in a jar.

We've seen a guy cut in half
and sewn to a fish.

And the brutal dismemberment
of a rotisserie chicken by my mother.

On the bright side,
she didn't even notice the pill.

Why does Emily like this stuff'?

Do you think there's something
psychologically wrong with her'?

- What difference does it make?
- What do you mean?

Oh, come on, she could
have a freezer full

of ex-boyfriend's body parts
and you'd still go out with her.

I do like that the ex-boyfriends
out of the picture.

I feel so bad
about lying to Sheldon.

How am I gonna make it up to him'?

I'd tell you what I do with Howard,

but I don't think dressing up
like a Catholic schoolgirl

is gonna work with Sheldon.

He'd probably give you homework.

- Did you lie to Howard about tonight?
- Of course.

And you don't feel guilty about it?

Between Penny's gorilla movie
and Howard's gorilla mother,

I had no choice.

Thankfully, Penny and I have
a relationship based on honesty.

What?
I don't lie to her.

Oh, we know you don't lie to her.

Thank you.

Hey, maybe the answer to your
career question is in one of these.

Penny, there's only one cookie
with something in the middle

that solves life's problems,
and that's an Oreo.

Or a Nutter Butter,
if you're in a pinch.

Come on, open it.
I bet it says something great.

This is Asian fusion.

For all you know,
there's a tiny Chihuahua in here.

Fine, I'll go.

"People turn to you
for guidance and wisdom."

- Yeah, that's a good one.
- No, it's not.

- How is that not good?
- "Turn to you for wisdom?"

Clearly, that cookie is mocking you.

You'd never hear that kind of sass
from a Nutter Butter.

Since you're paying for dinner,
I'll let that slide. Open yours.

- Have you ever paid for a meal?
- Not with money. Read.

"Your warm and fun-loving nature
delights those around you."

Oh, try again.

Let me get this straight.

So, he kills this girl's father,
cuts off the guy's face,

and is wearing it as a mask
while he makes outwith her.

I'm just gonna say it.
That's not okay.

Why can't I be in a relationship with
a girl who likes The Sound of Music?

Raj, you are the girl
in the relationship

who likes The Sound of Music.

Hey, Penny, What's up?

No, Bernie's working late.

Really?

Thanks for telling me.

What?

I'm having sex with
a Catholic schoolgirl tonight.

Oh, I think I see our next stop.

You can't be serious.

If I wanted to waste my time
on nonsense,

I'd follow Leonard on Instagram.

No, come on.
Tonight, we are trying new things.

Oh! That's a lot of incense.

Or someone set a hippie on fire.

Yeah, honey,
I'm still stuck at work.

Really?
Penny said that?

Okay, it's true.
I'm sorry.

I'll see you at home.

Yeah, yeah, I'll put it on.

You and I never just
hang out like this. Why is that?

- I know. It's weird, right?
- Yeah. We should do it more often.

Oh, no. I mean,
this is weird right now.

- it's Penny.
- Is she still mad?

Doesn't seem like it. She got Sheldon
to go to a psychic with her.

A psychic? He considers them
not just mumbo jumbo,

but extra-jumbo mumbo jumbo.

Well, Penny can be very persuasive.

She's gotten me to do a lot
of things I wouldn't normally do.

- Because she has sex with you.
- Yeah, she does.

Can I confess something?

Once in a while,
I get a little jealous

of how close Penny
and Sheldon are.

Really?
- I mean, not in a romantic way.

It's just, she really has some
sort of connection with him.

Well... Well, they've known
each other a long time,

and Penny grew up around horses,

so she knows how to approach him
without making him skittish.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm glad they're friends.

I just wish he'd be that
comfortable around me already.

Well, it took him a long time
to get comfortable around me, too.

Really? What did you do?

Something terrible in a former life?
I don't know.

I gotta go.
Penny ratted me out.

FYI, she's getting you
a watch for your birthday

with money she took
out of your wallet.

I don't mean to be rude
or discourteous,

but before we begin,
I'd just like to say

there is absolutely
no scientific evidence

to support clairvoyance of any kind.

Which means,
and again, no insult intended,

but you're a fraud...

your profession is a swindle,

and your livelihood is dependent
on the gullibility of stupid people.

Again, no offense.

All right, Sheldon,
just ask your question.

Okay, I just did.
What was it?

Oh, for God's sake. Look, he's a
physicist who's trying to figure out

what his next field
of study should be.

For your information, I was asking her
about the next Star Trek movie.

I'll be bored.

All right, why don't we begin?

Your spirit guides are telling me
that there's a woman in your life

- you're having problems with.
- That's an easy guess.

I'm clearly an annoying person
and have problems with both genders.

Yes, you clearly are.

But I'm seeing a specific woman

that you're in a romantic
relationship with.

Oh, oh, here we go.

- Does she have dark hair?
- Yes! Yes!

Your spirit guides are on fire!

The majority of people
have dark hair.

Even you, at one time.

Does she work
in a similar field to you?

Ha! The opposite.

She's a neurobiologist,
and I'm a theoretical physicist.

My spirit guides can go suck an egg.

They're telling me that you have
difficulty being close with her.

Oh, he does. He so does.
What should he do?

He should give himself
to this relationship.

Once he does, all his other pursuits
will come into focus.

Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean,
Amy is the key to your happiness.

Exactly.
Personally and professionally.

Everything will fall into place
once you commit to her.

You know what this is'?

Yeah, and I reserve this word
for those rare instances

when it's truly deserved.

This is malarkey!

Wow, you really struck a nerve.

I've never heard him use
the "M" word before.

Here we go.
House of a 1000 Corpses.

Now, just so you know,
I was a nanny for three years,

so if you get scared,
I can totally change your diaper.

Actually, I have to
tell you something.

These kind of movies
really aren't my thing,

so, last night, I watched it just
to see what I was getting myself into.

- Okay.
- And I have to be honest.

I thought it was disturbing
and weird,

and it made me wonder what it says
about someone who enjoys it.

I wonder that too.

Then why do you
watch these things?

Can I tell you something
without you judging me?

Sure.

They kind of turn me on.

And play.

Hello. I didn't expect you
this evening.

Well, I was just feeling so bad
about lying to you the other night,

I... wanted to make it up to you.

And how do you propose to do that'?

Unless you have Gravity
on Blu-ray under that skirt,

I don't know where
you're going with this.