The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 19 - The Indecision Amalgamation - full transcript

Boy, do I have to urinate.

If only there were a solution
to that.

Seriously. I feel like I've got
a fish tank in my pelvis.

So go to the bathroom.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I'm trying to decide
between getting

an Xbox One or a PS4.

Oh, "pee." Why'd I say that?

Forgive me for asking
a stupid question,

but why are you being stupid?



I'm not being stupid.

I'm employing the work
of Dutch researcher, Mirjam Tuk,

who found that people with full
bladders make better decisions.

Why did I pee before I decided
to move in here?

Hi!
Hey.

Oh, how'd the audition go?

I killed it. I was even able
to cry real tears

right on the spot.

Oh, that's great.
I know.

Next time I get pulled over
for a speeding ticket,

here come the waterworks.

Here come the waterworks!

Aren't you gonna ask?

What is this,
my first day?



♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x19 ♪
The Indecision Amalgamation
Original Air Date on April 3,

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Can I get your
opinion on something

that happened at work today?

Yeah, sure.
Of course.

Okay, well, I did something

that will either make me look
like a lovable goof

or a horrible monster damned
to spend eternity in hell.

I'm sure it's lovable.

I'm gonna go with monster.
What do you got?

Well, there's this lady
in our office who's retiring,

and they were passing around

one of those big cards
for us to sign...

Okay.

But no one told me she was in

a horrible car accident
over the weekend

and what I
was signing

was not a retirement card

but was actually
a "get well" card.

I'm liking my odds here.

So on the card, in the hospital,

next to the woman who's clinging
to life are the words,

"Hey, Vivian. You deserve this""

"And at least with you gone,

no one will steal my yogurt
out of the fridge."

No!

"LOL. Smiley face."

Oh, my gosh.

"P.S. Good luck
wherever you wind up."

Why didn't I put money on this?

Hey, that's my agent.

If I got the part,
it's still the second best thing

I've heard all day. Hello?

Am I a terrible person?

No. No, it was a mistake.

Am I a terrible person
that it crossed my mind

that she might die
and never see the card?

Now I think
you're flirting with the line.

Good news?

No, I didn't get it.

I'm so sorry.

You'll get offered
something soon.

I kind of did. The part
in that awful horror movie

I passed on came back around.

Apparently,
it's mine if I want it.

Are you gonna take it?

I don't know what to do.

Maybe you'll get hit
by a car and die.

LOL, right?

Hey.

Emily, right?

Yeah...

I-I don't know
if you remember me...

From the dating Web site.

Your friend e-mailed me
because you were afraid to,

then you tracked me down
and acted like a lunatic?

Yes, Rajesh Koothrappali.

Look, uh, I just...

I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Okay? You were, like,
the coolest person

I ever found online,
and I got really nervous

and I-I just blew it.

Uh, don't worry about it.

And if it
makes you feel

any better,
you're not the weirdest guy

I've met off the Internet.

Well, give me a chance--
you don't even know me.

All right,

here's your chance.

Wha... Really?

Thank you.

Fate has given me
a rare second chance,

and I swear to Vishnu
I'm not gonna blow it.

Or normal words
followed by a charming smile.

So, first there was
PlayStation-- aka PS1--

then PS2, PS3

and now PS4.
And that makes sense.

You'd think after Xbox,
there'd be Xbox 2.

But no, next came Xbox 360.

Hmm? And now,

after 360, comes Xbox One.

Why "One"?

Maybe that's how many seconds
of thought

they put into naming it.

Can you get the butter, please?

You know, however,
with the Xbox One,

I can control
my entire entertainment system

using voice commands.

Up until now,
I've had to use Leonard.

Then get the other one.
Pass the butter.

Get... Hang on.

I don't feel like you're taking
this dilemma seriously.

Fine, Sheldon.

You have my undivided attention.

Okay, now, the PS4 is

more angular and sleek-looking.

No way.
Yeah, well,

it's true. But the larger size
of the Xbox One

may keep it from overheating.

Well, you wouldn't want
your gaming system to overheat.

No, see? Well, you
absolutely would not.

And furthermore,
the Xbox One

now comes with
a Kinect included.

Included?!
Yes!

Not sold separately.

Although...

the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM,

while the Xbox One
is still using

the conventional DDR3 memory.

Why would they still
be using DDR3?

Are they nuts?!

See? That's what I thought.

But then they go and throw in
an ESRAM buffer.

Whoa, whoa.

Wait a second. Who's "they"?
Xbox.

You're kidding!
No, I am not!

And this ESRAM buffer
should totally bridge

the 100-gigabit-per-second
bandwidth gap

between the two RAM types.

This is a nightmare. How will
you ever make a decision?

You see?
I don't know!

What should I do?

Please pass the butter!

Okay, it's not me, right?
This script is terrible.

Yeah.

I had higher hopes
for a movie called

Serial Ape-ist 2:
Monkey See, Monkey Kill.

You know, it's
still possible

for you to be good
in a bad movie.

Okay.

"Sometimes I feel
like I can control

"the killer gorilla instinct
inside of me,

"but then I see these bananas
and I...

just want to eat them
and then kill people."

What am I gonna do?
Well,

for starters, I wouldn't
eat the bananas.

No...

Come on! This is serious.
Uh, uh,

does it at least pay well?

Less than I was making
at The Cheesecake Factory.

What does your agent think?

She's thinking of taking a job
at The Cheesecake Factory.

You know what, why
don't you just do it?

You'll go have fun for a
few weeks, make some money--

and who knows what
it might lead to?

Okay, look, here, page 58.

I oil-wrestle an orangutan
in a bikini.

Just to clarify, which one
of you is wearing the bikini?

Both of us.

So it's a family film.

Thank you again for dinner.

You're welcome.

Good night.
Uh,

it's date night.

Aren't you, uh,
forgetting something?

Oh, of course.

Did I mention
the PS4 controllers light up?

No.

Well, they do.

And then after coffee,
we went for a walk

and she told me she always
thought people from India

were exotic
and mysterious.

So, with my mouth, I said,
"We're just like anybody else,"

but with my eyes, I said,

"Straight up, Red,
hop on my flying carpet."

So, you gonna
see her again?

Yeah, we have plans
this weekend.

And if it's a clear night,

I'm gonna lay
some romantic astronomy on her.

Okay, like what?
Show me.

I can't do that to Leonard.

This is some powerful
panty-dropping stuff.

You have my blessing. Go for it.

Okay.

Penny,

two of the brightest stars
in the night sky

are Altair and Vega.

And it is said
they were deeply in love

but forever
separated

by the celestial river
of the Milky Way.

Oh, that's sad.
It is.

But once a year,

on the seventh day
of the seventh month,

Vega cries so hard that all
the magpies in the world fly up

and create a bridge
with their wings

so the two lovers
can be together

for a single night

of passion.

Wow.

Okay, that's enough.

Quick poll: PS4 or Xbox One?

Raj.

Uh, Xbox One.
Penny.

Huh?

Leonard.
PS4.

Wolowitz.
Both great.

Bernadette.
I like the Wii.

Thanks, Grandma.

Oh, my goodness.
What's up?

I just got an e-mail
from my ex-girlfriend Lucy.

She... misses me
and wants to get together.

Two women at
the same time?

Nice job, playa!

Really?

Was it the "two women"
thing or the "playa"?

It was the "playa".

What am I
supposed to do?

How am I supposed to choose
between Emily and Lucy?

Why do you have to choose?
Date both of them.

I can't date two women at once.

Zero women--
that's my sweet spot.

Unless you're sleeping

with one of them, seeing
other people isn't a big deal.

But what if one of them asks me

what I was up to
the night before

and I was with the other one?
Then, what, do I lie?

Yes.
Yes.

What do you mean, yes?

What do you mean, yes?

Were you seeing other women
when we started dating?

No. Were you
seeing other men?

No.

Were you seeing
other men?

No.

Aren't you gonna ask me?

Come on, really?

Thank you so much
for letting us pick your brain.

Yeah, happy to help.

So, what's going on?
Well, I'm having

an impossible time getting
my career off the ground,

and I got offered a role
in this crappy horror movie,

and I just don't know
if I should take it.

Well, I have
certainly taken some jobs

that I've been embarrassed by.

I wouldn't exactly
call Star Trek embarrassing.

I wasn't.

Me, either.

So, what do you think,

is there a professional
downside to doing it?

Well, it's tricky.

You want to take projects
that you're excited about,

but sometimes you also
have to pay the bills.

When you're on the set
working on something

that you just know in your heart
is bad-- not Star Trek...

Yeah, beam me up. I love it!

Anyway, those jobs
can be soul-crushing.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Well, I was in Stand By Me
when I was a kid,

and it was a
huge success.

The terrible movies I did
came after that.

I mean, imagine how that feels.

Sounds rough.

I'm telling you,
this business is brutal.

To this day,
I hate going on auditions.

Okay, I walk in,
and I can just

feel them thinking...

"He was such a cute kid.
What happened to him?"

And then I don't get the job,

and I can never
find out why.

Honestly, I get so depressed,
there are entire weeks

that I can't even
get out of bed.

Okay, this was helpful.

Any news on your coworker
who's in the hospital?

Poor thing, she was
in surgery for 18 hours.

She's alive, but she's
still in critical condition.

Oh, no.

The one bit of good news
is they put her

in a medically induced coma
before she read the card.

So, you know,
silver linings.

Were you like this
when I married you?

Don't worry
about it, buddy.

Okay, bye.

That was Wil--
he's feeling a lot better.

Apparently, he's 12-down in
the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

Did he help you make a decision
about the movie?

No. Did you figure out

what you're gonna do
about the two girls?

As a matter of fact, I did.

I've spent
so many years

living in fear,
saying no to new experiences,

but from now on,

I'm gonna say yes--
yes to love,

yes to adventure, yes to life;
whatever it may be,

the answer's going to be yes.

He's gonna die alone, right?

Yeah.
Yes.

I'm proud of
you, Sheldon.

You know, I'm proud of me, too.

I've done all my research,
I conducted an informal poll,

and I've arrived
at the rock-solid certainty

I've made
the right choice.

Well, that's got to be
a good feeling.

Oh, it is.

Although...
Oh, crap.

I had the same feeling when
I made my dad buy a Betamax

instead of a VHS.

You were just a little kid.

Yeah, a little kid
who picked the wrong format

to record
The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.

I also was certain

that HD DVD would win out
over Blu-ray.

How old were you then?
Old enough to know better.

You know, and now that
I think about it,

I stood in front of
a case of iPods

and I bought a Zune.

What's a Zune?

Yeah, exactly.

It's an MP3 player

brought to us
by the makers of Xbox.

What... no, what are you doing?

No, no, pick
that back up.

You know it's good.
You did the research.

But what if I'm wrong?

You know what?

How about I buy
it for you?

How about

I buy you both?

You know I only have
one slot available

in my entertainment center.

Then I'll buy you a new
entertainment center.

Well, yeah... okay, sure.

But which one?

How about this?

I've heard

that if you flip a coin,

it will tell you how
you actually feel.

Because you'll either
be disappointed

or excited by the outcome.

Interesting.

So, heads it's PS4,
tails it's Xbox One.

All right, I'll try.

What is it?

A quarter.

Could have given
it back to me.

That was a choice.

You look...

you look really pretty tonight.

Thanks.

I love that jacket.

Thank you.
Thanks, thanks.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

My... my ex-girlfriend
e-mailed me,

and I'm seeing her Saturday...

And I'm glad you like it--
it's from J. Crew.

I don't understand.

My friends told me it was okay

to see more than
one person at a time,

but it-it feels like
I'm being deceitful.

Are you getting
back together with her?

No.

I-I... I have no idea.

What would you do?

Uh, usually on first dates,
I talk about music and stuff,

but I was promised weird,
so let's do this.

How serious were you two?

Well, to be honest,

we only went on four dates,
hugged twice, kissed once,

and there was a handshake
loaded with sexual innuendo.

Wait, so...

a girl you never slept with
sent you an e-mail

and you felt so guilty about it
that you had to tell me?

Yeah.

That's kind of adorable.

Are you... are you sure?

Because this is
the part of the night

where I've said something stupid
and the girl usually leaves.

I'm still here.

Yeah, but now you make me wonder
what's wrong with you.

We just met.

You don't need to tell me about
other people you're seeing.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Because "I'm dating two women"

is basically the only cool
thing I can say about myself.

On the one hand, the Xbox One
has a better camera...

but the PS4 has
a removable hard drive.

Thoughts?

I can't feel
my legs.

Oh... I'm sorry, guys,

but the store closed
five minutes ago.

But I haven't
decided yet.

You'll have to come
back tomorrow.

The registers are closed.

Let's get you
some food.

Y-You'll feel better
after you eat.

Okay.

What-what do you want,
like, Thai food?

A... a burger?

I don't know!

Hey, look, a quarter!

How's that feel?

Great.

Not like regret at all.

Penny?

We're working together!

Awesome!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man