The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Friendship Turbulence - full transcript

Raj, your tag's
sticking out.

Thank you. That was the closest I've
come to sex in, like, two years.

Now I feel a little gross.

You're only making it
seem more real for me.

Hey, that's my wife.

If anyone's gonna make her feel
gross about sex, it's me.

Can we please talk about something
other than my depressing love life?

How about Penny's
depressing acting career?

Hey. I mean, it's
been a little tough,

but Penny's following her dreams, and
in my book, that is not depressing.

Aw... Thank you.



Is that book called
Lies I Tell to Get Sex?

Is that a real book? I would
totally read that book.

Can I borrow it
when you're done?

Well, I'll have you guys know I turned
down a part in a movie last week.

- Why would you do that?
- Because it was crap.

It's a sequel to that awful
killer gorilla movie I was in.

Serial Ape-ist?

I thought you
died in that.

She does.
42 minutes in.

While showering topless,

16 minutes after brief side butt during a
pillow fight with her sorority sisters.

I have an eidetic memory. I
don't know what his problem is.

Okay, well, there are no
shower scenes in this one.

They just try to clone me
from my corpse,



but my DNA gets mixed
with the ape's DNA

and I end up running around with
giant gorilla hands and feet.

Am I missing something, or isn't
that the part she was born to play?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x17 ♪
The Friendship Turbulence
Original Air Date on March 6, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

So are you really not
gonna do this movie?

Well, I don't think it's the kind
of part that's good for my career.

Well, but don't a lot of famous actors
get their start doing bad movies?

Okay, I don't think Meryl
Streep ever had to say...

"Must keep gorilla hands
from killing again!"

If she did, it would be amazing.
That woman can do no wrong.

I-I don't know anything
about show business,

so if you think it's reasonable
to turn down paid work

and just burn through your savings,
I'm sure you know what you're doing.

I think we're gonna go.

Are you sure?

We were making fun
of failed careers.

We didn't get to tap the
juicy vein that is Howard's.

Hey, I work at the same
university you do.

Yes, and Hawkeye's
in the Avengers,

but no one ever says,
"Help, Hawkeye!"

Can I ask you something?

Why do you constantly feel the
need to put down my husband?

Oh, I'm sure he does
it out of love.

The same way my boyfriend makes me
feel terrible about my life choices.

I think we're gonna go.

No, no, no. This
is not a fight.

I-I was just excited that
someone offered you a part

and a little surprised that you'd rather
sit at home and do nothing than take it.

Now it's a fight.

Well, with
that sorted out,

I'm happy to answer your
question, Bernadette.

Howard started it.

I didn't do anything.
I was just sitting here.

I wasn't referring
to this evening.

Ten years ago, upon
first seeing me,

your husband claimed that I looked
like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman.

And he called me
C-3P-wee Herman.

Still funny.

That was ten years ago.

Nine years, 11 months
and three weeks ago,

he followed that up by replacing
the slides for my lecture

with photographs of nude
fat women bending over.

Really?

The lecture was on cosmic
gas clouds. That's funny!

I was there. It was funny.

In any event, that began
a decade-long progression

of insults, pranks and unwanted
magazine subscriptions.

To this day, I still get a monthly
copy of Granny on Granny.

Which, other than its surprisingly
fun puzzle page, is complete filth.

Thanks for walking
me to my car.

Actually, it's
for both of us.

Last night, I watched
West Side Story,

and I'm a little freaked
out by street gangs.

Why can't Raj find a girl?
The mystery continues.

I don't appreciate
your sarcasm,

but we've still got two blocks
to go, so I'll put up with it.

Whatever happened with
your online dating?

No one was writing me back, so
I stopped checking my profile.

Before I met Sheldon, I was
ready to give up, too.

Once, I even dropped in on my OB/GYN
just to get some human contact.

It has been a while since I
got my prostate checked.

Then I met Sheldon and
look at where we are now.

What? You've kissed, like,
once in three years.

That's true. Do
whatever you want.

Hey.

Hello.

Listen, I was thinking you and I could
probably try to be better friends.

Really?

I was thinking what we
have now is a bit much.

Seriously, I was talking to
Bernadette last night and...

she made some
great points.

You and I have known
each other a long time,

and I didn't hear the rest
'cause she took her bra off.

Very well.

How do you propose
we move forward?

Uh, for starters, we could
stop insulting each other.

That's a great idea.

And in the spirit of
our new arrangement,

I will mask my surprise
that you came up with it.

Anyway, I got invited to do a little
talk at NASA in Houston this weekend.

They gave me two tickets.
Bernadette can't go.

You want to come with me?
You can visit your mom,

and I'll show you around
the space center.

I have one question.

Is this a prank...

where we land in Houston and
you've made up wanted posters

that have my face with a
mustache and a Spanish name

and then I get arrested and
deported to South America?

No.

I'm glad because I would not
have seen that coming.

Amy, I could
use some help.

Oh. Let me guess.
There's an...

undergrad in a leather jacket snapping
his fingers by the water fountain.

I thought about what
you said last night,

and I went back
on the dating Web site

and I was looking
at this girl's profile.

She's amazing.

Oh, she's cute.

And smart. Phi Beta Kappa.

And judging by her lack of Adam's apple,
she's been female her entire life.

I like that in a woman.

Great, so what do
you need me for?

Well, I was up all night
trying to write to her,

but I wanted to run
it by you first.

All right.

"Emily,

your face is like a precious
dew-kissed flower..."

Wow.

I know. Powerful
stuff, huh?

No. You're supposed to
be yourself, not all...

desperate and creepy.

Okay, I'm getting some
mixed messages here.

Just say something normal
like, "I saw your profile.

"Looks like we have a lot in common;
Let's get a cup of coffee sometime."

Yes. "Where I can be jealous of
the cup touching your ruby lips."

Or you just write it for me.

- I'm not gonna pretend to be you.
- I don't want you to pretend to be me.

You can be like my,
uh, online wingman.

Like if we met her at a bar
and you talked me up.

Well, what would
I say to her?

Just tell her what
I'm really like.

And, if you think
it'll help,

that you saw me changing once
and my package reminded you

of the muscular
tail of a jaguar.

Use your own words.

Thanks again for taking
me to the pharmacy.

Oh, it's no problem.
Is everything okay?

Oh, I'm fine. It's just some, uh,
stomach medication for my trip.

There's the remote
yet distinct possibility

that I may end up
in South America.

Remember the old days when I would've
said something dumb like "Why?"

Uh, that doesn't
sound good.

Remember the old days when I used to point
out that your check engine light was on?

Yes.

Well, get ready to stroll down memory
lane: Penny, your check engine...

Yeah, I know it's
on, Sheldon!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I
cannot afford this right now.

Maybe it's just something minor.

Ooh, good news, the
light just went out.

Are we playing
individual or teams?

Teams are fun.

Oh, in that case, I'd like to be
partnered with my good friend Howard.

But I'm always on Howard's team.
We're best friends.

The kind who finish
each others...

- I really don't think we do tha...
- ...do that! See?

- Oh, hi. - Oh, how'd
it go at the mechanic?

Not great. Can I talk
to you for a sec?

Yeah, sure.

Maybe I can go with
you guys to Houston?

- Isn't it a little late to get plane tick...
- ...plane tickets? Yeah.

- Will you please sto...
- ...stop that? Okay.

I don't know what to do. My car
threw a rod and it's totaled.

I can't afford a new
one, I have no job,

and now I can't
drive to auditions.

I'm so sorry.

I know it's
a sensitive subject,

but can you reconsider
that part in the movie?

I did. I called them.
The part's gone.

They gave it to
someone else.

Now that girl's gonna get
discovered and become famous

and go on Letterman and talk
about how she got her big break

on a cheap monkey movie all because some
dumb girl thought it was beneath her.

At least they talked
about you on Letterman.

Come on, I can drive you
wherever you need to go.

How? Unlike me,
you have a job.

- I'm just gonna have to go back
to being a waitress... - Oh.

...like I will be for
the rest of my life.

Leonard, would you wrap it up?
We're waiting on you.

I'm sorry, is the fact
that my life's falling apart

interfering with
your board game?

It is.

You were wrong, friend Howard.
She completely understood.

Hey, you busy?

No. What's up?

Have you heard
back from Emily?

- I have.
- Great! And?

And I'm afraid she doesn't
think you're right for her.

I give you one
simple thing to do--

contact a complete stranger and make her
fall in love with me-- and you blow it!

I told her what a
good guy you are, but

she thought it was a bad sign that
you didn't write to her yourself.

She thought it made you
seem too shy and passive.

I'm not too shy and passive. You write
her back and tell her I said that.

You know, when you
have a second.

Look, I'll see if I can change
her mind tomorrow night.

What's happening
tomorrow night?

I'm meeting her for coffee.

What?!

Well, we just... we e-mailed back and
forth a bit, and we kind of hit it off.

- I find a girl I like, and
you're stealing her?! - No.

We just ended up having
a lot in common.

We went to Harvard, we like Chaucer,
we're both hardcore into quilting.

Your words fall like acid rain on
the wounded petals of my heart.

That's Sheldon. He says
he'll be down in a minute.

What are you doing?

Oh, he's not coming out
until he sees proof

you don't have an air
freshener in your car.

This is gonna be a
long weekend for you.

You're the reason
I'm doing it!

I said to stop
insulting each other.

I didn't tell you to take him
on a romantic getaway.

How do I know
what you said?

Damn you and your
noise-cancelling breasts.

- Hello.
- Hi. - Hey, buddy.

You excited for Texas?

Oh, very much so.

It's not every day you get to
tour NASA with a real astronaut.

Who's the real astronaut?

- Buzz Aldrin.
- Oh. Yay!

Howard?

Howard?

Howard?

What now?

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- You just went to the bathroom.

I didn't use it because
it didn't seem safe.

Despite all my e-mails, the
toilet didn't have a seatbelt.

- Well, it still doesn't.
- I realize that,

but safety concerns went out
the window two apple juices ago.

Fine.

- Why are you getting annoyed?
- I'm trying to be a better friend,

but you constantly say
and do irritating things.

- Like when?
- When?!

How about in the car? I'm an
astronaut, and you know it.

You just don't like admitting
it, because you're jealous.

Well,

truth be told, as a child, I
did dream of going to space.

Those astronauts
were my heroes.

And...

when you got to go,
it was hard for me.

Thank you.

Because it made me realize they'll
just send anyone up there.

- Aren't you going to let me out?
- No.

But I still need to
use the bathroom.

Here you go. Be creative.

What's the matter? Scared
of a little turbulence?

No, turbulence is
just the equalization

of diurnal temperature
variations in the atmosphere.

I'm not scared at all.

Oh, apple juice,
stay where you are.

Oh, this is nothing.

I experienced way worse when I
was plummeting back to Earth,

apparently not being
a real astronaut.

Okay, that was a big one.

I take it back. I'm
scared of turbulence!

I'm gonna need
that bag back.

You sure you want
to do this?

Yeah. Why wouldn't I want
to get my old job back?

It'll be fun to
see everyone.

I haven't talked to them since I said, "I
quit. See you at the Oscars, bitches."

Come on, let's just
get this over with.

"Let's get this over with."

Am I driving you to the Cheesecake
Factory, or are we having sex?

I'm just... I'm trying
to lighten the mood.

- I know. Thank you.
- Sorry.

- It's just so humiliating.
- So humiliating?

Am I driving you to
the Cheesecake Factory...?

I'm sorry. I'll-I'll stop.
I'll stop.

Come on, don't look so sad. You
never know what's gonna happen.

Maybe tonight
will be great.

Sweetie, I know you're trying to make me
feel better, and I love you for that,

but it's making me feel worse,
and I kind of hate you.

This isn't your car.

I know. I thought
we'd take yours.

I don't understand.

It's nothing fancy, but
it'll get you to auditions,

and at least for now, you don't
have to go back to waitressing.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Oh, my God.

I mean, you could say, "Thank
you." I did just buy you a car.

Mmm.

Look, I admit that it's odd that
Rajesh didn't write to you himself,

but if you get to know him, you'll
see he's just a sweet, regular guy.

As a counterpoint, here he is,
uninvited and visibly sweaty.

- Hello, Emily.
- Hello.

Amy told me you were concerned that
I might be too passive and shy.

Let me ask you something.

Would a passive guy barge in here
to look you in the eye and say,

"Hey, dew-kissed
flower, what's up?"

No, but a weird guy with
no boundaries might.

Uh, okay, that's
a separate issue.

Let's put a pin in that and just
focus on the passive thing.

I'm leaving.

Are we still going to go to
that Chaucer reading Friday?

You know, I think I'm
just gonna go by myself.

Not my best first date.

Yeah, but not my
worst, either.

I'm sorry for every mean thing
I ever did or said to you!

I'm sorry, too!
It's all my fault!

If you weren't my friend,
there'd be a hole in my life!

Thank you, Sheldon.

Kind of like when
Firefly was cancelled.

But not as big.

The captain has turned off
the fasten seat belt sign.

You're now free to
move about the cabin.

- It's over.
- Yeah.

Should we stop
holding hands now?

- In a minute.
- Okay, good.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther