The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - The Occupation Recalibration - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory:

This is just a minor setback.

No, it's not, okay?

I've been out here
for, like, ten years.

I have nothing to show for it.

Well, you have me.

I do have you.

Leonard Hofstadter,

will you marry me?

Did you seriously
just say, "Um..."?

It's an outrage.
I know.



The university-- they think
they can do whatever they want.

We just have to sit
there and take it.

You need to let it go, Sheldon.

You work tirelessly for someone,
and this is what you get.

Oh, my God!

They're just making you
use your vacation days!

But I don't want
a vacation.

Okay, listen,
I don't mean to diminish

what you're going through,

but I'm a little
distracted right now.

Oh, this again? So,

Penny proposed,
you didn't say yes,

and now you think you may have
lost her love forever.

How does this compare
to me being forced



to relax for a few days?

It doesn't!
Thank you!

I'm gonna go
talk to Penny.

I'm going to go inside,
put on my coziest pajamas,

curl up with a good book

and wait for this nightmare
to be over.

Penny.

Sorry.

Hi.
Hey.

Look, I'm sorry
I didn't text you back.

I just needed
some time to think.

Okay.
Here. Come in.

Look, if you want
to break up, just say it.

Leonard...
No, no, no, no. I take it back.

Don't say it. Just-just hate me,
but stay with me.

It worked for my parents.

Listen, I don't want
to break up with you.

Oh. O-Okay.

Good, good.

So, it's cool if I cry a little?

Yeah, I probably wouldn't.

Yeah.

Look, you did the
right thing last night.

I was a mess.

I was just frustrated because
my career is going nowhere.

Look, I get it,
and I want you to know

that I support whatever
you want to do.

Great, because
I've been thinking,

if I really want this
acting thing to work,

I need to focus all
my energy on it.

And to do that,

I should quit waitressing

at The Cheesecake Factory.

Wow!

That-That's a big step.

I know.
So, you know,

before making any rash...

I already quit.
And I support you!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x13 ♪
The Occupation Recalibration
Original Air Date on January 9, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Come on, take me
to work with you.

No. You're on vacation.

Please. What if there's a big
breakthrough in science today

and I'm not
there to see it?

Do you really think
there's gonna be a breakthrough

without you there to do it?

No. I was just tricking you.

Bye.

Leonard, wait!

Take me with you.

No!

Please.
No!

Too bad. I'm coming with you.

Oh, Sheldon, stay!
But...

I said stay!

I'm going to work.

Do not follow me.

Hey, Stuart.

Hey.
Sorry. Did I startle you?

Yes, but at this point,
pretty much any customer does.

What can I do for you?

Well, I need a little help.

I accidentally destroyed
one of Howard's

comic books this morning,

and was hoping
I could replace it.

Wow. What happened?

Batman got his ass kicked
by my curling iron.

Well, don't let
The Riddler know that.

It's a comic book joke.

Or maybe it's not.

Do you have this one?

Uh, well, it's-it's
pretty rare.

Can you give me a few
days to track it down?

Ooh, I was kind of
hoping to get it

before Howie comes home from work.
Oh. What's the hurry?

Well, he's always saying

I should be more careful
with my curling iron,

and it seems like
a dangerous precedent

to let him think
he can be right.

Well, I'll do what I can,

but I can't make
any promises.

You know, I do work
at a pharmaceutical company.

If you can make this
happen today,

I can hook you up with anxiety
medication, antidepressants.

Really?

Do you have
any of these?

Hello, Mr. Rat Brain.

Not so bitey
without the rest of the rat

to back us up now, are we?

Anybody home?

Hey, what brings
you guys here?

Well, we were
just on our way

to lunch and wanted to see

if you'd like to join.

Why?

Because Sheldon's
not here this week,

and you don't think
I have any other options?

I'm just kidding.
I'll get my purse.

Hi, Amy. I... Oh.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
you had any company.

That's okay.

Uh, Bert,
this is Howard and Rajesh.

Guys, this is Bert.

Hey. Good to see you.
Hey.

Anyway, I wanted to show you

this tourmalinated quartz
that we got in the lab.

This is so pretty.

Bert works for the
geology department.

Yeah. You know what,
uh, geologists

and Bon Jovi have in common?

You're both
into rock?

Yeah.

Well, see ya.

Oh, you forgot your quartz.

Oh, it's okay.

I want you to have it.

Bye.

He's nice.

Yeah, he's nice
because he likes you.

What?! No, he doesn't.

He brought you
a pretty rock.

So? He does that every day...

Oh.

You know, if you'd
rather skip lunch

and hang out with your boyfriend
Bert, it's totally okay.

He's not my boyfriend.

Are you sure? He's tall,
pale and awkward.

That sounds like your type.

Should someone as lonely as you
really be making fun of me?

Yeah, grow up, Howard. God.

What do I do? I don't want
to hurt his feelings.

Maybe the problem is
he thinks you're available.

Does he know
you're dating Sheldon?

I guess it hasn't come up.

There you go.

And does Sheldon know
you're dating Sheldon?

I'm sorry. Who are you dating?

Yeah, knock it off, Howard!

Oh. Hey, Sheldon.

Hello.

You okay?

I'm on vacation.

What do you think?

Why are you sitting
in the stairwell?

Leonard told me to stay.

Oh. Well, good boy.

Where are you going?

Oh, I have a ton
of errands to run.

I need to make copies
of my headshot,

send them off to agents

and sign up
for a new acting class and...

Well, have fun.

Okay.

You want to come with me?

Really?

Come on, boy. Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.

Get in the car. Come on.

All right, thanks a lot.

They have one at
Capital Comics.

Oh, that's great.
No, it's not.

I hate that place.

Guy who owns it is a jerk.

He's always making me
feel bad about myself.

Oh, that's terrible.

What's the address?

You know, why don't
I just take you there?

That way, I can make sure
he doesn't rip you off.

Oh, thanks, but I don't
want you to close up.

I mean, won't you lose business?

Sorry. That was mean.

Penny really quit
The Cheesecake Factory?

Yeah.

So, what is she doing today?
I don't know.

She already thinks
I don't support this,

so if I call, it might look like
I'm checking up on her.

Well, do you support this?

Of course I do.

She's a great actress.

I'm proud she's
taking this risk.

That's nice.

You bought that? Great!

I got to call her before
I forget how I said it.

Hey.

Hi. What's up?

Oh, how's it going?

You taking Hollywood by storm?

Actually,
I'm at The Cheesecake Factory.

You got your job back.
That is great news.

I didn't want
to say anything,

but you are making
the right choice.

To plunge yourself into debt

right now would be
literally insane.

Yeah.

I'm just returning my uniform.

And I support you.

Before we begin
your guided meditation,

close your eyes

and picture yourself
in a peaceful environment.

Okay.

I'm inside
the CERN super collider.

Now, take a deep,
relaxing breath

in through your nose.

And let it out.

Wow. Didn't see that coming.

In.

Let me guess.

And out.

What was I gonna do?
Two "ins" in a row?

Where's my lemonade?

I didn't get it.

A fitting swan song
to your career as a waitress

to forget my order
one last time.

Do you think quitting
my job was a mistake?

Do you see me drinking lemonade?

No. I'm serious.

Why do you ask?

Because Leonard
just pissed me off.

Am I being an idiot or not?

No, I don't think you are.

Really?

The best way to achieve a goal
is to devote 100%

of your time and energy to it.

When I decided I was going
to be a physicist,

I didn't take
some other job

in case it didn't work out.

Which wasn't easy because
there was a lot of pressure

from Ms. Pierson for me
to be chalk monitor that year.

Thank you.
I needed to hear that.

Why can't Leonard understand it?

Because he's not
like us, Penny.

We're dreamers.

Yeah, I need to start
cracking the window

when I leave you in the car.

Hey.

Hello, Bert.

So, anyway,
there's this big, uh,

rock and mineral show next week

in Santa Monica and...
Listen,

um, Bert, before you say
anything else, I...

I have a boyfriend.

Oh. This is awkward.

You thought I was gonna ask you
to go with me

to the mineral show.

Weren't you?

Yeah.

That's very nice
of you, but...

I do have a boyfriend.

That's what you all say.

You just don't want
to go out with me

because I have
an off-putting personality.

No, that's not true.

My boyfriend has
an off-putting personality, too.

Like, way worse than you.

Don't worry.

I'm used to it.

I mean, I'm big and weird
and funny-looking

and no one ever wants
to do anything with me.

Don't say that.

It's okay.

I know I'm a monster.

No, Bert, come on.

I'd love to go
to the mineral show with you.

Sweet.

It's a date.

No, it's not.

Too late!

Wow.

Yeah. Haven't seen
this many people in my store

since that Korean church bus
crashed through my front window.

Hey! Stuart!

Jesse.

Haven't seen
you in forever.

Look how gray you've gotten.

My hair's exactly
the same color as always.

No, I was talking
about your skin.

Look, uh, my friend here needs
a comic book...

Ooh! And she went
into your store by mistake.

Good thing there was no one
there to see you.

What do you need?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got this.

Right over here.

Even you, Sweatpants?

Free popcorn.

Can I offer you
a coffee?

Espresso? Latte?

No, thanks.

How about you, Stu?
Mocha? Scone?

Directions
to the nearest soup kitchen?

Hey.

I'm just kidding.

He knows
where the soup kitchen is.

It's on Merton Avenue.

I don't think I like the way
you're treating my friend.

Sorry.

You want the book or not?

Not from you.

Let's go, Stuart.

You know something, Jesse?

You may have
a successful business

a-and the kind
of pink complexion

that comes
with good nutrition...

...but I have something
more important.

What's that?

Friendship.

Which I would trade
in a heartbeat for all of this.

The mineral and rock show?

That would be awful
even without Bert.

So what am I supposed to do now?

Prepare your uterus
for his gigantic offspring?

This isn't funny.

I'm gonna have
to tell him the truth:

that even if I didn't have
a boyfriend,

I wouldn't be interested in him.

I've heard those words
so many times.

From Linda Nosenchuck,
Tammy Rosenworcel...

Padma Kapur, Neha Chowdury...

...Marci Grossman,
Lisa Mazzarino...

...Megan Pincus...
...Tammy Cho...

Oh, who was that girl
from our Starbucks?

Arlene Russel!
Yes! Arlene!

She wrote "no way"
on both our cappuccinos.

Poor Bert.

That guy's got a rough
afternoon ahead of him.

Well, how would
you want a girl

to tell you she
wasn't interested?

I guess, uh, I'd like her
to sit me down,

look me in the eye and say,

"I was wrong. I love you."

And then maybe

she could touch me
in a special way.

That's how you
reject a guy.

Okay, I don't have time
for this.

I'm just gonna go find him
and be brutally honest.

No, don't.
He'll be so upset.

He'll probably climb up
the Empire State Building

and start swatting
at planes.

You want us to
talk to him?

Really?

You would do that?

Sure. We've both been
in his shoes.

We'll let him down
with compassion and respect.

Thank you.

Let's go.

So we tell him
she's a lesbian, right?

Of course we tell
him she's a lesbian.

And hold three...

two... one.

Very good.

Now let's try
Warrior II.

And hold.

I've read that there are great
yogis who have such mastery

over their bodies they can draw
water in through their genitals.

Yeah, well, I don't think we're
gonna get to do that today.

Too bad.

It seems like a good way
to drink a milk shake

without getting
brain freeze.

Oh, hey.

And now we go
to Reverse Warrior.

How did she get you to do yoga?

Well, to be honest,
I thought she said "Yoda."

I'm helping him relax because,
unlike you, he supports me.

Oh, how many times
do I have to say it?

I support you.

Sheldon, take a break.

Namaste.

Okay, if you support me,
what was with that phone call?

Fine. I'm not sure
you should have quit.

But if you care so much
what I think,

why didn't you ask me
before you did it?

Oh, so now I need
your permission?

Would you have asked me
before you quit your job?

Yes. I thought we were
in the kind of relationship

where we make
decisions together.

If I'm wrong,
then maybe we need to talk

about the kind of relationship
we're actually in.

Yeah, well, maybe we do.

I'm willing to if you guys are.

Can we please
have some privacy?

Y... No.

I'm as much a part
of this relationship as you two,

and I think it's high time we
put all our cards on the table.

Yeah. For example,
where is this going?

Are you two ever
getting married?

And, if so,
where will we all live?

Have you thought about that?

No.
Penny?

Okay, wait. What
are we doing?

For some reason,

we're planning a future where we
both live with Sheldon forever.

Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.

Look, I know you think

I'm being reckless,
and you might be right,

but I need to take this shot.

Yeah, no kidding.

Despite what it says
on her résumé,

she is no longer 22.

I swear, I am on your side.

You keep saying
you’re on my side,

but you don't act like it.

He does that to me, too.

Why do we put up with it?

Listen, I could never do
what you're doing, okay?

I would be terrified.

Well, it's scary for me, too.

I'm fine with it.

My point is, just because
I couldn't do it

doesn't mean you shouldn't.

And I'm proud of you.

Okay. Thank you.

Well, to celebrate
this reconciliation,

let's all share a milk shake.

Uh, Penny, you'll need a straw.

You're back.

Yes, I am!

There's a few more things
I want to say to you.

Stuart's store is just fine,

and he's a much nicer person
than you are,

and if you still have
that comic,

I'd like to buy it right now!

No problem.

Oh, you want a latte
while you wait?

No, I don't want a latte!

I want a cappuccino
and a blueberry scone!

I only have chocolate chip.

Well, that sounds even better!

Thanks for coming to the mineral
and rock show with me.

We're sorry Amy
didn't want to go.

Really, really sorry.

Eh.

Who needs her when
I have you guys?

Rock show!

Rock show!
Rock show!

Rock show! Rock show!

Rock show!
Rock show...!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man