The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Hofstadter Insufficiency - full transcript

Sheldon, it's not a great time!

What do you want?

Hello to you, too.

I'm sorry, but
this is important.

What is it?

Back to the Future II was in the
Back to the Future III case...

and Back to the Future
III was-- get this--

in the Back to the
Future II case.

So?

So, did you do that, or am I
in the house with an intruder?

Sheldon, I got to go inside.



It's getting rough out here.

You're dodging the question;
I knew it was you.

(deep rumbling growl)

What was that?

What was what?

This isn't a very
good connection,

but it sounded like someone
just released a kraken.

Okay,

I'm hanging up now.

You know there's no
such thing as a...

(rumbling growl)

No...!

Penny... Penny...

(voice cracking):
Penny...!



What's the matter?

Um...

well, I was worried that you
might be missing Leonard.

And that might be causing
you to have bad dreams,

like the kind you'd get if you
watched Clash of the Titans

right before you went to bed.

Sweetie, did you
have a bad dream?

- To be honest, I did.
- Aw.

Back to the Future II was in the
Back to the Future III case.

Leonard did it.

- Good night.
- (stammering): No, wait.

Perhaps I should sleep here

so you don't miss
Leonard as much,

uh, 'cause you're being
kind of a baby about it.

You know what? That would
make me feel better.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Good night.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x01 ♪
The Hofstadter Insufficiency
Original Air Date on September 26, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

I think you'd be pleased to hear that
this morning in the parking garage,

I saw this oil stain on the ground that was
shaped just like my ex-girlfriend, Lucy,

and I didn't get upset at all.

I'm proud of you.

Well, you should be, 'cause
she was looking good.

Dear Lord!
You're an astronomer.

Although you may
have earthly woes,

get your mind back
on the stars.

Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to
plot its course by using the Milky Way.

Is that true?

Everything I say is true.

Now, of course, the dung beetle
also enjoys eating feces,

living in feces and making
little balls out of feces. So...

pick and choose which aspects of
its lifestyle you want to embrace.

Come on,
you can talk to girls now.

It shouldn't be hard for you
to meet someone new.

How can I meet someone new when
everywhere I look, I see Lucy's face?

Tell me you don't see her smile in
the crust of this chicken pot pie.

Oh, will you stop it!

Now, listen to me. There's a welcome
party for incoming post-docs tonight.

Go to it and meet someone who
isn't made of grease or pie.

You think you're so cool
because your wife is a person?

(sighs) Look, Bernie's at a
neuroscience conference with Amy--

I'll go with you.

- You would do that for me?
- Of course.

You're my friend. I
want you to be happy.

Thanks.

Oh, Sheldon, since Amy's out of
town, would you like to join us?

I want you to be happy, too,

but not enough to do
anything about it.

Howie, stop. I can't
talk like that.

Amy's right here.

Sheldon, stop. For the last time,
I will not bring home bed bugs.

The hotel's nice.
There's a pool, a gym--

the bar looks like fun.

Because I looked in the
bed, and there are no bugs.

Aw, I love you, too.

If I don't talk to you before you go
to sleep, I'll meet you in dreamland.

AMY:
Good night.

No, I will not consider
sleeping in my garment bag.

Penny,

did you ever wonder how
Starfleet captains...

No.

Well, now that I've piqued
your interest,

welcome to the exciting
world of 3D chess.

Why don't you just admit you
only want to play this game

because you always play it
with Leonard and you miss him?

You overestimate his
significance in my life.

Oh...

Do I miss how he makes a face on
my toaster waffle with syrup?

No.

Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper
on my jacket when it gets stuck?

(chuckles)

I don't think so.

Do I miss how we say "good
night" to each other

through the walls of our
bedroom using Morse code?

(knocking in Morse code)

Okay, I get it, I get it. You
are an emotionless robot.

Well, I try.

All right, let's just get
this stupid game over with.

- Great. I'll go first.
- Okay.

- By the way, how are you
with zippers? - Why?

Well, I really need to go to the bathroom,
and this one's gone all cattywampus.

Wow, your work on jellyfish neural
nets sounds so interesting.

It is.

You can download my paper
off the university server.

I will. You can
download my paper

on the Van Allen Belts from the
university server as well.

I will.

All right.

(clicks tongue)

- How'd it go?
- Well, if you like dry, factual statements

interspersed with painful moments
of silence, it was bananas.

Check it out. Mrs. Davis from
Human Resources is here.

She's probably on the lookout
for sexual harassment.

Oh, great.

There go my chances
of being sexually harassed.

I heard her husband left her
for a hot, young undergrad.

That's so much better
than the old, ugly ones.

Mr. Wolowitz, Dr. Koothrappali.

Mrs. Davis,
nice to see you.

You know, I recently read a fascinating
article on infidelity among penguins.

Okay.

So if the fact that your husband left
you makes you feel unattractive,

just remember, penguins get
cheated on, and they're adorable.

(clicks tongue)

It was better when you
couldn't talk to women.

I was thinking of going to the lecture
on posterior cingulate cortex lesions

in the formation of
autobiographical memory.

Oh, brain lesions
are fascinating.

Unless they're yours,
then they're a drag.

To the advancement of science.

And to the sick and dying
who make it possible.

This is fun; we never really get
to talk shop with Penny around.

We usually just end up
talking about boys.

Which is fine, but it's nice to mix it up
with a little intellectual conversation.

From the two gentlemen
at the bar.

Oh, my gosh, boys
bought us drinks!

Boys bought us drinks!
(gibbering happily)

Thank you, thank you,
thank you so much.

- Be cool.
- You be cool!

Guys are hitting on us, and
not just to get to Penny.

You're right. Thank you.

Ooh! Bad move.

Really? Why?

My queen can now take
your rook from below.

So that means I lose, right?
It's over!

If I make this move...

but I won't because we're
having too much fun.

Okay, let's take a break.

We're all out of alcohol.

I wasn't going to get alcohol.

(groans)

(sighs)

Gosh, I wonder what Leonard's
doing right now. I miss him so much.

Well, if you'd like,
we could call him.

I-I mean that you
could call him.

As I've explained, the absence of
my friends does not cause me pain.

As rock and roll bad boy, Paul Simon, once
said, "I am a rock. I am an i-i-i-island."

- I'm calling him.
- Oh, goodie! Put him on speakerphone!

(dance music playing)

(phone vibrating)

Excuse me, ladies, but
my pants are buzzing.

(vibrating continues)

North Sea, how can I "kelp" you?

Leonard?

Penny? Hey, it's Penny.

Everybody say hi to Penny.

ALL:
Hi, Penny!

Wow, it sounds like
you're having a good time.

Best time of my life!

Isn't it 5:30
in the morning there?

Is it? Hey, everybody,
it's 5:30 in the morning!

(whooping)

Uh... okay, well, we were just calling
you because we were missing you.

Iceberg!

Uh-oh, hang on.

- Are you in danger?
- No, it's a drinking game.

Whenever we see an iceberg,
we take a shot!

ALL: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!
Berg-- (phone cuts off)

Leonard, Leonard?

(scoffs)

I cannot believe we
were missing that jerk.

You were.

So what happened?
How'd it go?

It's fine. I thanked them again and
let them know we're not available.

So I can drink this without
having to give up the goodies?

Yes, it's all cool.

Although, if you wanted to talk to
one of them, no one would blame you.

And why would no one blame me?

I don't know what I'm saying.

Well, it sounds like you're saying
that I could do better than Sheldon.

Boy, these drinks are strong!

Hoo, mama, I'm gonna be
hugging the toilet tonight!

No, tell me, I want to know
what you meant by that.

I just meant that you're not married
and your boyfriend's kind of...

Sheldon.

And your husband is extremely Howard.
What's your point?

Sorry.
I have no point.

That was a stupid thing to say.

Can we please just go back
to having a nice time?

We could, but unfortunately
my brain is lesion-free

and I remember that rotten thing you
just said about my sweet baboo.

Come on. I apologize. Can
we please just let it go?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Your husband's weird and his
clothes are ridiculous.

I can't believe it!

All this time I've been doing nothing
but sit around and miss that guy.

And you know what
the worst part is?

That you're having to process your
emotional pain without vodka?

No.

Yes.

But you know what
the second-worst part is?

He does not miss me at all.

Allow me to comfort you.

At least you've got your health.

Really? Tha-That's it?
That's comforting?

Um, uh, in a hundred years,

you'll both be dead
and it won't matter?

No! Come on! You're
supposed to say,

"Of course he misses you. The only reason
he's partying is to cover up his pain."

Oh, no, I don't think
that's true at all.

This is ridiculous.

Why am I upset just because
he's off having a good time?

Well...

perhaps you're obsessively
picturing him

engaged in drunken coitus
with another woman.

Is that it?
Did I get it right?

Okay, tha-that's great. You can stop
trying to make me feel better now.

Actually, I can't.
Before Leonard left,

he made me promise that
I'd take care of you.

- He did?
- Yes.

Oh, that's really sweet.

Plus, if I do a good job, he said
he'd bring me back a sailor's cap.

Now I miss him even more.

Well,

if it's any consolation, I'm
sure Leonard's tormented

every moment he's away from your
warm embrace and cherry lips.

- Thanks.
- Oh, seriously?

Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Davis?

What?

I'd like to apologize
for being insensitive.

And for possibly making
penguins seem like jerks,

'cause 99% of them
are stand-up guys.

Forget about it.

You know, you-you and I, you
and I have a lot in common.

- Is that right?
- Oh, yes, I-I, too,

am in the throes of heartbreak.

Okay, fine,
I'll tell you about it.

Here is a hot beverage
to comfort you.

It's in a to-go cup. Make
of that what you will.

Come on. It's still early.
Let's do something.

Well, I have been toying around
with an idea for 4-D chess.

How about we just talk?

All right.

- In 4-D chess...
- No.

Come on, let's talk
about our lives.

Tell me something about
you I don't know.

Hmm.

I own nine pairs of pants.

Okay, that-that's a good start,

but I was thinking maybe something
a little more personal.

- I see.
- Hmm.

I own nine pairs of underpants.

How about I go first?

But I don't want to know how
many underpants you own.

Although, based on the floor of your
bedroom, I'd say it's a thousand.

Okay, look, here's something
people do not know about me.

When I first moved out
to L.A.,

I did a topless scene in a low-budget
horror movie about a killer gorilla.

Ugh! After I did it,
I felt so ashamed.

Thankfully, that thing
never came out.

I've seen that.

Yeah.

- Serial Apeist.
- (gasps)

- Howard found it online the
day we met you. - Oh, God...

And it was literally the moment
you walked out the door.

(sighs)

But I see the type of personal
revelations you're going for.

Okay, here's one I thought
I'd take to the grave.

Okay.

Hmm.

A while back,

YouTube changed
its user interface

from a star-based rating system
to a thumbs-up rating system.

I tell people I'm okay with it,

but I'm really not.

That's your big revelation?

Yes.

Whew! I feel ten pounds lighter.

Okay, you know what? I give up.
I'm going to bed.

Here's something else
you don't know about me:

you just hurt my feelings.

What did I do?

I opened up and shared something
deeply upsetting to me,

and you treated it
as if it were nothing.

I-I didn't think
it was a big deal.

It is to me; that's the point.

Sheldon, you are right.

I'm really sorry. I
should've known better.

Your apology is accepted.

Thank you.

- How about a hug?
- How about a hearty handshake?

Come on.

Now I know how you felt getting
mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.

- Good night.
- (curt): Mm-hmm.

It was rather flattering to
have strangers send us drinks.

Yeah, that felt nice.

Maybe tomorrow morning

we put on some hot pants and see if
we can score us some free omelets.

So, hypothetically, if-if we
were to have gone with them,

which one would you have picked?

I think I would have gone with the
short one with the goofy haircut.

Oh, good, 'cause I liked
the tall thin one.

He seemed intelligent,
kind of a loner,

maybe a little sexually inexperienced,
like I'd have to teach him a thing or two.

(growls)

Not my guy.

I caught him staring at my rack.

It'd be nice to be with a man who wants
to know what's underneath my cardigan.

FYI, it's another cardigan.

Your short sexed-up guy
kind of sounds like Howard.

Your brainy virgin kind
of sounds like Sheldon.

- Good night.
- Night.

All right, Dr. Koothrappali,
it's been nice talking to you,

but I need to go home and
relieve my babysitter.

Yeah, I can relate
to being a single parent.

I have a dog.

Yeah, it's exactly
the same thing.

Good night.

Mrs. Davis...

I, uh,

I must confess,

I came here tonight in a futile attempt
to pick up some lonely postdoc,

but instead I got to connect
with you at a human level.

That's a

much better evening.

You're a lovely person.

Are you hitting on me?

No, no, no, that would be crazy!

I mean, if I were hitting
on you, you'd know it

'cause you'd feel uncomfortable
and a little sad for me.

You're sweet.

Good night, Dr. Koothrappali.

Good night.

Looks like she accepted
your apology.

And then some. I think
we had a moment.

Oh, please, you did not
have a moment.

Who died and made you
king of moments?

Okay, fine. Let's say
there was a moment.

- There was.
- There wasn't.

But...

But even if there was, what
are you gonna do about it?

I will slowly seduce her until
she falls helpless into my bed,

hungry for the pleasure
only I can give her.

- So nothing.
- No, not a thing.

Ah...

I'm so glad the police finally caught that
psychotic genetically engineered ape.

That is my girlfriend!
I swear to God!

(all cheer)

ALL: Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard! Leonard!

(gasps, screams)

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther