The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Extract Obliteration - full transcript

["YMCA" REMIX PLAYING ON TV]

It's great to be in the Empire today

We got everything

Try to keep up, Howard. I'm killing it.

Yeah, I wish we looked as cool
dancing in clubs as we do right now.

Don't worry, this is exactly how you look
when you're dancing in clubs.

You're welcome, ladies.

Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Dude, I was about
to Bollywood this bitch.

Earlier today, I invited
Professor Stephen Hawking to join me...



...in the popular online game
"Words With Friends."

Moments ago, he accepted my request.
Do you understand what that means?

That somewhere, right now,
Stephen Hawking is saying:

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
"Damn it. I meant to click 'no'."

I'll walk you through it.

The game is not called
"Words With Strangers."

No. It is not even called
"Words With Acquaintances."

It is called "Words With..."

I'm not finishing your sentence.
You pulled the plug on my funk.

"Friends." It's "Words With Friends."
Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are.

Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide.

I'll have everything I've ever wanted
since I was 6 years old.

That's really nice. I'm happy for you.

And I'm happy for you too.



You are now friends with someone who
is officially friends with Stephen Hawking.

Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him.

Yeah, and if they ever come out
with a game called...

..."Words With People You Once
Worked With, " you'll be off to the races.

Sheldon, I don't think
this actually means that...

[CHIME PLAYS ON TABLET]

Hold that thought.
Professor Hawking has made a move.

Boy, oh, boy.

It's only a matter of time
before we're coming up...

...with fun nicknames for each other.

I'll be Coop. Yeah. He'll be Wheels.

If he's okay with that.

All right.

["YMCA" REMIX PLAYING ON TV]

Crank up the a.c., boys.
It's gonna get hot in here.

Young man, young man
Get yourself off the ground

So I was taking a shower
this morning and when I got out...

...I started to dry off
with what I thought was a towel...

...but turned out to be
Howard's mom's underwear.

I had to take another shower.

It wasn't enough.

Nothing will ever be enough.

I once looked in Sheldon's
underwear drawer. He yelled at me.

But now I know what it looks like,
and he can never take that away.

- There's a book under here.
- Oh. I'll get that.

BERNADETTE: I got it. I got it.
PENNY: No, no, it's okay.

- Why do you have a history textbook?
- No, it's... It's not a big deal.

Just taking a class
at the Pasadena Community College.

That's great. I didn't know
you wanted to go back to school.

It's just one history class.

Look, I didn't finish college,
so I thought I would give it a try.

Not to mention your acting career
is going south like Sherman.

Read about it in your book.

Why would you be embarrassed
to tell us?

I'm not. I didn't want anyone to know.
I haven't told Leonard yet.

- Why wouldn't you tell Leonard?
- Because it's me going back to school.

And he's gonna be all,
"You can do it, " and, "How can I help?"

And, "I'm so proud of you." Ugh.

I can't believe you could keep
something like that from him.

You guys have got to be
the weirdest couple I know.

Really?

You can't think of anyone weirder?

I can...

[WHISPERS]
...but she's sitting right there.

Yes. I play the word "quiver"...

...with a triple letter
and a double word score for 72 points.

That'll let the air out of your tires,
Hawking.

Wow, my boyfriend is friends
with Stephen Hawking...

...and my new dandruff shampoo
doesn't smell like tar.

Everything really is coming up Amy.

It is glorious.

One of the greatest intellects
of our time...

...has agreed to engage with me
in a gentlemanly battle of wits.

And I'm spanking him so hard, his grad
students won't be able to sit down.

You know, when one male dominates
another, his testosterone level rises.

- What's your point?
- It's exciting to think...

...you might be getting
a testosterone level.

[CHIME PLAYS ON TABLET]

Ooh! My friend Stephen just played
the word "act" for 18 points.

That's right, I call him Stephen now.

Because I checked,
and he was not okay with Wheels.

Oh. You could turn his "act" into "extract"...

...and it would be for double points.

Amy, why would you give me a word?

Now if I play "extract,"
it would be cheating.

- Sorry.
- Although, I could play...

...the completely unrelated
and better word "extract."

Ethical conundrum avoided.

Thanks, brain.

Spaghetti okay?

It's crunchy.

Just the way I like it.

Yeah, I don't think
the water was really boiling.

- It's great, I love it.
- Ha, ha.

Okay, listen, there's something
I need to tell you.

I've been thinking about
going back to school for a while now.

So a couple months ago, I started taking
a history class at the community college.

Oh. That's great. Great, great, great.

- Why wait so long to tell me?
- I just...

I don't want you to make
a big deal out of it.

Why do you think that?
I get it, you're taking one class.

It's nice. Maybe if it goes well,
you take another, you enroll full time.

Ooh. Be sure to keep an eye on which
credits transfer to a four-year college.

You're making a big deal.

Sorry. You know, whatever.
Psh. It's all good.

Anyway, that's it.
I just thought you should know.

Am I allowed to ask
how the class is going?

It's good. We've been talking
about the origins of slavery.

- I turn in my first paper tomorrow.
- I can help with that.

There's lots of perspectives to take.
Economic, sociological, political...

Hey, this is my paper.

And my perspective
is that slavery is bad.

And my professor's black,
so I'm pretty sure that's the right answer.

- Can I take a look?
- No, Leonard. This is my thing.

- Okay. I get it.
- Thank you.

It's like when I started doing chin-ups.

I didn't want you to see
until I could do one.

FYI, really close.

Thank you. Now, behave yourself
and eat your dinner.

And if you're lucky,
you get to sleep with a college girl.

Really? I went to four years of college
and five years of grad school.

That never happened once.

I think the next time I have to speak
to a call center in India...

...I'm going to try using
an American accent.

Why?

Because when I use my regular voice,
I feel like I'm making fun of them.

That's ridiculous. Not to mention,
your American accent is terrible.

Dude, my accent is brilliant.

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Hey, my snow-white
American friends, let's put some cow meat...

...on the barbecue and eat it
until we're all obese.

This is what you sound like:

[IMITATING RAJESH]
"I think I'm talking in an American accent...

...but it really sounds like
I'm wearing a set of giant dentures."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Sheldon, do I really sound like that?

Tell him he sounds like that.

Sheldon, you okay?

It's been three days.

Why hasn't Stephen Hawking
played a word?

The guy's a genius. Maybe you weren't
challenging enough for him.

Not challenging?
I was humiliating the man.

I was thinking of writing a book called...

...A Brief History of the Time I Made
Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] There's the problem.
You can't beat Hawking like that.

He hates to lose.
Everyone knows the guy's a big baby.

I mean, forget the wheelchair,
he should be in a stroller.

Really?

One time when I was working with him...

...he said that Johnny Depp
was in The Matrix.

I told him he was wrong,
but he kept insisting.

So I looked it up online and showed him.

Well, the next day, he had a pizza party,
and everyone got invited but me.

And then he was all:

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Your invitation
must've gotten lost in the matrix."

Good Lord. What have I done?

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]
Good Lord, what have I done?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Terrible.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
All right, hotshot, let's hear your Indian.

[IN INDIAN ACCENT] I can't sit on that elephant.
My ass is on fire from eating all this curry.

Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.

Please be good, please be good.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh...

Okay.

She writes like she cooks.

Play. Play.

Play. Play.

- Play.
- What are you doing?

Trying to use a Jedi mind trick
to control Stephen Hawking.

Play. Play.

[GRUNTS]

He must be wearing a tinfoil hat
or something.

I did a bad thing.

- Does it affect me?
- No.

Then suffer in silence.

Play. Play.

Play.

[KNOCKING]

Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking.

Penny started taking a class.
She wrote a paper.

She didn't want me to read it.
I went behind her back. I read it.

Stephen Hawking hates me.

I don't know what to do.

The paper's terrible.
But if I tell her, she'll know that I read it...

...and she'll get really mad.

I was beating him so bad
he doesn't wanna be friends anymore.

Why does everyone love me
except Stephen Hawking?

Is it possible we're having
two different conversations?

How would I know?
I'm not listening to you.

Hang on.

Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.
Chess clock.

We each get five minutes
to talk about our problems.

We'll take turns.
Each turn will consist of a statement...

...and a helpful response from the friend.

Begin.

I humiliated Stephen Hawking
in a game of "Words With Friends."

He stopped playing.
And now we're not friends anymore.

He's probably busy.
You're worried about nothing.

Give it a couple more days.
I'm sure he'll play...

...and you'll see that everything's fine.

My turn. I can't let Penny
hand in a bad paper...

...but how do I tell her it's bad
without letting her know that I read it?

Hmm.

Beats me. Now...

I know Hawking's not busy,
because I can see...

...he's playing other people right now.

Maybe since you're so good,
he's taking his time to meet the challenge.

- I want Penny to enjoy...
- Wolowitz told me he's a big baby.

Yeah, I didn't know that,
and I played "extract" for 82 points.

Oh, it's all Amy's fault.
She told me to play it.

I have got to cut her loose.

Sheldon, I wasn't done talking.

She hands in the paper tomorrow.
I know I could help her.

And she's my girlfriend.
I should be allowed to help her.

- Why aren't I allowed to help her?
- I hear you, brother.

No, you need to give me some advice.

Uh, fine. Women, huh?

Specific to my situation.

Blond women, huh?

- Empathetic.
- Sucks to be you.

I quit!

Leonard, wait, no.
I listened to your dumb thing.

Leonard, come back.
Leonard, come back.

Leonard, come back.

- What?
- Oh, of course.

It only works on the weak-minded.

Good morning, sunshine.

Leonard, it's 8 a.m.

It's like the middle of the night.

I know, but I have to go to work,
and I made you breakfast.

Oh, wow, that's so sweet.

- Hey, what's this?
- Before you open that...

Um, are you familiar with the story
of the shoemaker and the elves?

Elves? Come on, Leonard,
it's too early for Lord of the Rings.

No, no.

Listen, once upon a time,
there was this shoemaker.

And when he went to bed at night,
elves would sneak in...

...and they would make
all these amazing shoes for him.

And when the shoemaker
woke up in the morning...

...he would be super happy.

Not mad at the elves at all.

Open it.

Okay. Ahem.

"An examination of the economic,
cultural and political roots of slavery...

...in the Old South, 1619 to 1865."

What the hell is this?

Don't ask me, a little elf did it. Ha, ha.

So let me get this straight.

You just assumed my paper would be bad,
so you wrote one for me?

- I assumed it would be good. Then I read it.
- What?

Well, I mean, it was good. There were just
a few things that needed a little polishing.

- Well, you changed every word.
- That's not true. Uh...

"Slavery."

Uh, "1619." Your name at the top.
That's all you.

You are such an ass.

This is why I didn't wanna tell you
I was taking a class.

Please, don't be upset. I just...

I didn't want you ending up
with a bad grade and get discouraged...

...and give up on the idea
of going back to school.

Right, because me being in school
is so important to you.

That way, you wouldn't have to be dating
someone who's only a waitress.

Come on, you know that's not true.

Do I? Listen to me.
I need to do this on my own.

If I fail, I fail. If I pass, I pass.
Do you get it?

- I'm sorry, I was just trying to help.
- Yeah, well, next time, don't.

Oh. And since you like stories so much...

...this is not the shoemaker
and the elves, okay?

This is give a man a fish, he eats it.

Teach a man to fish,
he sells it or something.

Whatever, I don't know. It's just
a lot better than what you did, you big jerk!

- You ever hear back from Hawking?
- No.

It would appear as if I've lost him.

Stupid brain.

- It'll be okay.
- How can it be okay?

Stephen Hawking's a genius
and he talks like a robot.

That's everything
I've ever wanted in a friend.

Yeah, but if he's a sore loser,
maybe you're better off without him.

You're right.

I guess I just have to make lemonade
out of the two of you.

[CHIME PLAYS ON TABLET]

Ah! He played. He played.

Coop and Rolling Thunder
are together again.

He was okay with that nickname.

- So now all you have to do is let him win.
- Yeah, way ahead of you.

I will play the word "at"
for two measly points...

...throwing the game
and thus securing my friendship...

...with the smartest man in the world.

What are you waiting for? Hit send.

I can't. Losing on purpose
is intellectually dishonest.

- So don't do it.
- Oh, but I wanna be Hawking's friend.

- So do it.
- But if I do, I'll be a phony.

A sellout. A Hollywood poser.

Then don't do it.

I won't. This feels right.

My mother always said,
"To thine own self be true."

Good for you.

She also told me that every animal
in the world got on one boat.

So, what does she know? And send.

Oh. Hey. Haven't heard from you
in a couple days.

- You still mad at me?
- Nope.

I have no reason to "B" mad at you.

Minus.

[CHUCKLES]

- Wow.
- That's right. On my paper.

Not yours, mine, you punk-ass elf.

I don't know what to say.

Hmm. How about:

[IN DUMB VOICE]
"Gee, Penny, you're smarter than I thought.

You may be the one in school,
but I'm the one who learned a lesson.

I'm so stupid, Penny. Duh."

She sounds exactly like you.

How'd it go with Leonard?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I don't think he'll be making that mistake again.

- Good.
- So I know this goes without saying...

...but if either of you tell Leonard
you helped me rewrite this paper...

...I'll beat you both
with a bag of oranges.

- Okay.
- Understood.

Now, ladies.
We got a B-minus on this paper.

I think if we put our heads together,
on the next one, we could get an A.

But we got you a B-minus on purpose
to make it believable.

Believable?

You saying I'm not smart?

AMY: You're smart.
- No, no.

That's better.

I feel like I'm in high school again.

Yeah, doing the prom queen's homework
so she'll like us.

I know.

It's finally working.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

It's Stephen Hawking.

Answer it. I wanna hear.

Professor Hawking,
how nice of you to call.

HAWKING [OVER PHONE]:
Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.

- Oh, me too.
- Or should I say, Dr. Loser?

Ha-ha-ha.

Yes, congratulations.
You won fair and square.

Very impressive, sir.

- Do you like brainteasers?
- Oh, I love brainteasers.

What does Sheldon Cooper
and a black hole have in common?

They both suck.

[LEONARD LAUGHING]

Neener-neener.

[English - US - SDH]