The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Holographic Excitation - full transcript

Hey, Stuart, I got you

a little souvenir
from my trip to space.

Well, Howard, that's very nice of you.

Yeah, maybe. Open it first.

It's my official NASA portrait.

"To Stuart, your comic book
store is out of this world.

Just like the guy
in this picture was."

For the record, he also thinks
the Walgreens

and the dry cleaners
are out of this world.

That's not true.

At the Walgreens,



I was "over the moon"
for their store-brand antacids.

Hey, Stuart, I see
you're getting ready

for your Halloween party.

Yeah, it's my annual attempt
to meet women.

Ninth time's the charm.

Would you like me to help?

I do have a certain je ne sais
quois when it comes to soirees.

Thanks, but I can't afford
je ne sais quois.

How much for just quois?

You know, you don't worry about money.

I'll take care of everything. Really?

Yeah, you'll love it. Ain't no
party like a Koothra-party.

But you know what wasn't a party?

That hotel in Kazakhstan



they put you up in before the launch.

I mean, it's your last night on Earth.

You'd think you'd get
one porn channel.

Have you noticed
that Howard can take any topic

and use it to remind you
that he went to space?

Interesting hypothesis.

Let's apply the scientific method,

perform an experiment. - Okay.

Hey, Howard, any thoughts on
where we should get dinner?

Anywhere but the Space Station.

On a good day, dinner was
a bag full of meat loaf.

But, hey, you don't go there
for the food,

you go there for the view.

It's fascinating.

Let me see if I can
duplicate the result.

Howard, I've always thought

the lemon was an underrated fruit.

Care to weigh in?

Not really.

Well.

You know, people say the Soyuz
capsule was a lemon.

But, hey, that baby got me
to space and back.

Ladies night
at the Cheesecake Factory.

Does it get any better than this?

I hope so.

Question. Do you think your
husband's fondness

for turtlenecks is an
expression of longing

for his missing foreskin?

It's not getting any better.

It's Leonard.

He wants to go costume shopping later.

- I thought you liked Halloween.
- I do, it's just

he wants to go to that party
at the comic book store.

A lot of the guys that hang out
there are kind of creepy.

- Like my husband?
- And my boyfriend?

I'm, I'm sorry, Amy.

You were saying something
about Howard's foreskin?

Nice try, but you have
to go to that party

'cause we're going.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

It's just not my idea of a good time.

Leonard does thing he doesn't
like to make you happy.

Yeah, he's my boyfriend.
Isn't that, like, his job?

Then what's your job?

Letting him make me happy.

I just think in relationships

you get back what you put into them.

That's not always true.

Last night I gave Sheldon
my best come-hither look,

and he responded by explaining how

wheat came to be cultivated.

I guess I could probably try
a little harder.

You could start by taking
an interest in his work.

Yeah, that's kind of a problem.

Why?

Not really clear on what he does.

He's an experimental physicist.

Yeah, I'm not really clear on
what that means.

He takes hypotheses
and designs protocols

to determine their accuracy.

Yeah, you're really
just making it worse.

What kind of tea would you like?

I think I'm gonna try green tea

mixed with lemon zinger.

Two tea bags in one cup?

You're not at a rave.

So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking,

since this is gonna be our first

Halloween party
as boyfriend and girlfriend,

I thought it might be fun for us
to go in a couples costume.

I couldn't agree more.

Really? I find that inconsistent

with everything I know about you.

On the contrary.

Couples costumes are one
of the few benefits

of being in a relationship.

Now imagine this:

You and I entering Stuart's party

and all eyes turn to see
America's most beloved

and glamorous couple.

Yeah?

R2-D2 and C-3PO!

Dibs on 3PO.

Sheldon, when I said couples costume,

I meant like Romeo and Juliet

or Cinderella and Prince Charming,

not two robots from some
silly movie I don't even like.

Okay!

I'm gonna let that slide

because I know you're hopped up
on tea bags.

I make compromises
for you all the time.

Just this once,
can't we find something

that we're both happy with?

Fine. How about one
of the most beguiling

and influential couples
of the 20th century?

Hewlett and Packard.

Dibs on Hewlett.

What, you want to be Hewlett?

Anybody home?

Hey-hey-hey, what are you doing here?

I just thought I'd
stop by and say hello.

What a nice surprise.

I don't think you've
ever seen my lab before.

No, I know. It's long overdue.

So, what ya doing?

Better not be building
a robot girlfriend.

No. Although Howard was
making some real strides

in that area until he met Bernadette.

- You're kidding.
- Nope.

Now the Lisatronic 3000
just sits in a box

waiting for the phone to ring.

What's going on in here?

No, no, no, don't look in there.

What, is it secret?

No, it's a nitrogen laser.

It'll cook your eyeball
like a soft-boiled egg.

You might want to put a sign on it.

Sign right there.

"Danger," sure, sure.

Yeah. What's, what's that?

That is an integrated ion trap

and time-of-flight mass spectrometer.

High-techie-techie.

What's this little box?

That is a pencil sharpener.

Low-techie-techie.

So, what are you working on right now?

- It's actually pretty neat.
- Yeah?

Yeah. It's a front-projected
holographic display

combined with laser-based
finger tracking.

Here, I'll show you.

We'll just put this pencil over here.

Sharp. Thanks to the machine
we saw earlier.

Very good.

And then a laser will map
the reflective surface...

and voilà.

That is amazing.

You know, there's a foundational
idea in string theory

that the whole universe
may be a hologram.

What do you mean?

Well, the holographic principle
suggests

that what we all experience
every day in three dimensions

may really just be information

on a surface located

at the farthest reaches of our cosmos.

So it's possible that our lives are

really just acting out a painting

on the largest canvas in the universe.

What?

Sometimes I forget how smart you are.

You should visit more often.

What are you doing?

Take off your clothes.

What? Here? Now?

Yeah. You got a problem with that?

No, no.

It's kind of crazy.

I've never fooled around
in the lab before.

Really? Never?

No. I did have a shot
with the Lisatronic,

but the extension cord
wasn't long enough.

Before I forget, I'd like
your opinion on the menus

I've prepared for the Halloween party.

The theme is "food
that goes bump in the night."

"Creature from
the Black Forest Ham Lagoon."

On Sesame seed Bunzillas.

"Night of the Living Garlic Bread"?

It's funny because "bread"
sounds like "dead".

I'm sorry, but these
are just ordinary foods

with the names bent
into tortured puns.

The dishes themselves
are in no way Halloweenie.

Hallow-weenies!

That's a good one.

They'll pair nicely
with my "Draculoni and Cheese."

How do I do it?!

That reminds me, I was thinking

about wearing my NASA jumpsuit
as a costume.

But then I realized everyone
would be, like,

"Where's your costume?

Why are you wearing your work
clothes, you nut?"

Hello, boys.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing.

You know where's there's
a lot of nothing.

Space.

Boy, it's nice to sleep in
a bed with gravity again.

Did I tell you about the night

my retainer floated out

of my mouth and into the air lock?

Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.

So, here we are,

just a couple of young newlyweds.

What to do?

What to do to you?

Astronaut Wolowitz,
reporting for booty.

Preparing thrusters.

We have liftoff.

Are we clear to jettison
that nightgown?

Okay, we need to talk.

What?

Howie, I know you went to space.

I'm incredibly proud of you.

But you might want to try

and not bring it up every minute.

I don't talk about it every minute.

Tonight at dinner you went on
about it for an hour straight.

What was I supposed to talk about?

We were eating at Johnny Rockets.

I'm just saying,

people are getting
a little tired of it.

So, I did this amazing thing

and I'm never allowed to mention it?

Of course you can.

But maybe a good rule would be

to wait for people to bring it up.

Okay, no problem.

It won't happen again.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I can't tell you how
many times I dreamed

I was in bed here
with you when I was...

you know.

What, I can't even point?

So, basically, this is what's
called mag-lev technology.

It uses very powerful electromagnets

to create a force strong
enough to overcome gravity.

Here, you hold this.

That's heavy.

Yeah. You don't have
on any jewelry, do you?

No. Why?

A grad student forgot to take
out one of his piercings.

Now he's on a transplant list

waiting for a nipple his size.

Now watch this.

That is very cool.

Sometimes I like to turn this on

and pretend I'm the
super villain Magneto.

It's getting a little
less cool, Leonard.

But what I really am is
a very smart scientist

who understands the
mechanics of the universe

and is wearing the sexy black
underwear you bought him.

There we go.

So, I thought the photo
booth for the party could

either be creepy like a mummy's tomb,

or they also have the Tardis
from Doctor Who.

A Tardis makes no sense.

It's a time machine
from a science-fiction show.

It has nothing to do with Halloween.

That being said,
if you don't get a Tardis,

you stink and your party stinks.

Do you have a preference?

I don't care. Get the Tardis.

Yes! This party just
became a major rager.

By the way,

can I borrow your bullwhip and fedora?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I was thinking of dressing up
as Indiana Jones'

mocha-skinned love child.

"Indian" Jones.

Clever.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Howard, I've got a party to plan.

Don't make me pull it out of you.

Okay, here it is.

Bernadette said you guys are
all sick of me

talking about my trip to space.

Is that true?

- No.
- Yes.

We seem to have
different approaches here.

I was going for helpful honesty.

I have no idea what you're doing.

It's called being nice.

Okay. If you think being nice

will get him to shut up, I'll try it.

You know what, guys? Never mind.
I just won't talk

about the greatest achievement
of my life ever again.

Look at that,
the problem solved itself.

Hello, boys.

What if we were to go

as dinner table favorites
salt and pepper?

You know salt makes me retain
water and my cousin William

was ground to death
in a pepper factory accident.

What about Raggedy Ann and Andy?

I loved them growing up.

No, I don't think so.

Those dolls represent
three things I do not care for:

Clowns, children and raggediness.

I think it's a lost cause.

No. There are certain things
that say to the world,

"I have a boyfriend,
and he's not made up."

Matching costumes,

hickeys and sex tapes.

Pick one.

What's a hickey?

How do I look?

Fine.

Is someone a little blue?

Come on, Howie,
that's like the funniest thing

I've ever said in my life.

What do you say? You ready to go?

To tell you the truth,
I'm not really in the mood.

What are you talking about?

It'll be fun.
All your friends'll be there.

Yeah, some friends.
They all think I'm boring.

Maybe you should go without me.

No, if I'm there alone,
people might think

I'm just a really short
person from Avatar.

I'm sorry. I just don't want to go.

Hey, I just spent the last three
hours coloring myself blue.

I'm gonna be washing paint out

of my Smurf for a month!

Fine.

Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.

Yeah, well, now you're a Smurf.
Keep walking.

My God, you guys look adorable!

Thanks, so do you.

Slutty cop?

No, sexy cop.

Slutty cop only came
with a skirt and two badges.

And Albert Einstein?

Ja, und later she's going to arrest me

for goink fashter
zen da shpeed of light.

I thought we said
in the car, no accents?

Sorry, Officer.

Hello!

It's a great party!

Thank you!

The monster foods, they're really fun.

Yes, thank you.

I like to think of fun things
like that because I'm fun.

I'm not clinically depressed at all.

Sheldon, get in here!

I should've picked hickey.

Hey, hey, look at you guys!

I'm Raggedy Ann, and
he's Raggedy C-3PO.

It was a compromise. I lost.

Can you believe
Stuart's walking around

taking credit for this party?

Who cares?

What do you mean "who cares"?
Look at what I pulled off here.

The deejay's on fire, there's
a Tardis photo booth in the back room,

and, my God, the food!

Stuart wanted Kraft
Draculoni and cheese.

You're right, the party's
fantastic. Please, tell me more.

I haven't heard enough
about it all week

because hearing about that
never gets old!

Is this about the space thing again?

Well, I'm not allowed
to talk about it,

but since you brought it up,
I went to space!

Space, space, space!
Space, space, space!

Drinky Smurf.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Great, now I'm in trouble.

You happy?!

You, out!

You are being very rude!

No, I'm not. They're all being rude.

And you're being rude.

Me? What did I do?

"Oh, Howie...

"stop talking about space so much.

Nobody likes it."

I don't sound like that.

You're my wife.

You're supposed to be on my side.

I'm always on your side.

Then why are you trying
to take this away from me?

Being an astronaut is

the coolest thing I'm ever gonna do.

If I stop talking about it,
then I'm just...

Just what?

Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again.

Plain old Howard Wolowitz
is the best guy I know.

You're just saying that.

No, I'm not. I married him.

On purpose.

Come here.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Nothing to see here.
Just sexy police business.

Just explaining
the theory of relativity.

Twice.

Hey, what you watching?

I don't know.

Raj sent me some video of Buzz Aldrin.

Here you go. It's a Milky Way.

The Milky Way's a galaxy in space.

I've been in space.

Here's a Mars bar.

I'm an astronaut.

And this one's a Moon Pie.

I walked on the Moon.

What have you done?

Okay, I get it.