The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Decoupling Fluctuation - full transcript

And the next wedding gift is...

a gravy boat.

Ooh, one gravy boat.

That's from Sheldon.

He told me he had it engraved.

"In the event of a divorce,

please return
to Sheldon Cooper."

One "inappropriate,

yet I wish I thought
of that" gravy boat.

When I get married
I'm going to register

at the UCLA Cadaver Lab.



Ew, why?

'Cause I've always wanted
a whole human skeleton

and they are really spendy.

So, you actually see you and
Sheldon getting married someday?

Not just someday.

In exactly four years.

But don't tell Sheldon.

He's still a flight risk.

What about you, Penny?

What about me what?

Do you think you and Leonard
might ever get married?

Oh, well, you know,

Leonard is great.

But do you think
you'll ever get married?



He's a sweetie.

You're not answering
the question.

Do you love him?

Yeah, sure, of course
I love him.

It doesn't sound like it.

Well, I do.

Do you tell him that?

No, he'd just take it
the wrong way.

What does that mean?

It means he is special
and smart and nice and...

Are you gonna break up with him?

No!

Maybe. I don't know.

I had no idea you were unhappy.

I'm not.

I'm not unhappy at all.
It's just... I don't know...

I-I've been in love before,
but it felt different.

But maybe this is a new,
better, boring kind of love.

Do you ever feel that way
about Howard?

Oh, that's not really
a fair comparison.

I'm basically married
to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.

Amy, you?

Can't help ya, kid.

Whenever I'm around Sheldon, I
feel like my loins are on fire.

In the good way.

Not the urinary tract
infection way.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 6x02 ♪
The Decoupling Fluctuation
Original Air Date on October 4, 2012

== Encoded, Synced & Corrected by
$H@uN ==

Hey, buddy, how's
it going up there?

You don't have to shout, Raj.

It's not like I'm an astronaut
floating around in outer space.

Oh, wait, I am.

So, is it everything
you hoped it would be?

It's better.

I wake up every morning
and I just can't believe

I'm on this
incredible adventure.

Hey, Froot Loops,

did you clean the space toilet?

Excuse me.
I'm talking to my friends.

New guy scrubs the toilet.

If you do good job,
next time we give you brush.

Funny.

We're always

giving each other
a hard time up here.

It's kind of like
being in a frat.

You know, joking, kidding
around, hurting feelings.

Okay, my turn.

- Let me talk to him.
- Go ahead.

2311 North Los Robles Avenue,

Pasadena, California
to International Space Station.

Can you read me? Over.

Yes, I read you, Sheldon.

Copy that. Over.

What are you doing?

I am talking to a man in space.

If you don't have the

then he might as well be at the
Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.

You're out of your mind,
Sheldon.

That's a negative.
My mother had me tested. Over.

Come on, scrub it up, Loops.

All right, all right.

I gotta go.

There's a meteor shower.

You want to see a meteor shower?

Take a look at what Dimitri
just left you in the toilet.

Bye.

Over and out.

Bye, buddy!

Hello.

Hey, Stuart, come on in.

What are you doing here?

Um, Raj invited me to go
to the movies with you guys.

Excuse me.

I didn't authorize this.

Sheldon, you are not in charge.

That's mighty sassy for a man

with a roommate performance
review around the corner.

What's the big deal?

You guys are bringing
your girlfriends.

I didn't want to sit by myself.

The big deal is
I was expecting us

to be an intimate group of five.

Now, we're going to be a...

faceless mass of six.

It'll be fine.
Just, uh, pretend he's Wolowitz.

Hmm.

Do you like Raisinets?

I can take them or leave them.

At the movies, Wolowitz
always eats Raisinets.

Would you feel more comfortable
if I ate Raisinets?

Well, it's hardly my business
what you eat,

as long as it doesn't crunch
during the film

and it's Raisinets.

Okay.

Should we go?

Yeah, but, one more question.

If you're going
to replace Wolowitz,

I need to know
a little more about you.

All right.

Wolowitz went to MIT.

What's your educational
background?

I went to art school.

Equally ridiculous. Let's go.

This insistence on hand-holding
is preposterous.

Well, I like it.

Yeah, of course you do.

You're a girl.

You like all kinds
of hippy-dippy things.

Just watch the movie.

It's not fair.

Penny isn't making Leonard
hold hands.

There might
be a reason for that.

Sweaty?

Unhygienic?

Looks dumb?

Take your pick.

Penny said she's not sure

she wants to be Leonard's
girlfriend anymore.

Wrong. She just took a sip
from his Diet Dr. Pepper.

So?

So, if she wants to end
her pair-bond with Leonard,

why on earth would she guzzle
a witches' brew

of his soda and spit?

It's complicated.

String theory is complicated.

That's just yucky.

Don't get any ideas.

All right, for the sake of
argument, let's say that's true.

Why doesn't Penny
just end the relationship?

She's not sure how she feels.

How can she not be sure
how she feels?

You know, when I have
a feeling, I know it.

Trains? Love them.

Swordfish?
I love them, too.

They're fish with a sword
for a nose.

Regardless, don't say anything
to Leonard.

Now you're asking me
to keep a secret

from my best friend,
colleague, and roommate?

Yes, please, Penny will kill me.

Fine.

secret-keeping?

Hate it.

Hand-holding?
Not a fan.

Hammerhead shark?
I love that thing.

Yeah, it's another fish
with a tool on its head.

Raisinet?

Shh, we're trying
to watch the movie.

This is not working out
with him.

What are you doing?

I think I might
have tartar buildup.

My tongue won't go as far
forward as it used to.

Maybe your tongue is shrinking.

Nope.

Oh, you have no idea
how annoying this is.

I'm starting
to get a sense of it.

Don't worry. I'll take you
to the dentist tomorrow.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

You're good people, Leonard.

There's something
I need to tell you.

Okay.

I can't tell you.

Why?

I can't tell you
why I can't tell you.

So I guess there's two things
I can't tell you.

I wish there were more.

Good night.

I'm sorry.

This is really important.

What is it?

I like The Transformers.

Do you like The Transformers?

Where exactly did your mother
have you tested?

Leonard,

The Transformers teach us

that things are not always
what they appear to be.

You know, like, uh,

a semi truck might
be an alien robot,

or, uh, someone in a romantic
relationship, uh, might feel

differently than they appear to.

Or a conversation

about The Transformers
might actually be

about someone in this room.

I'm going to pause
to let that sink in.

Okay, I think I understand.

You do?

The guy who seems like
an emotionless robot is you...

but your relationship with Amy
is causing you to transform

into a red-blooded man
with sexual desires.

That is literally the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Leonard?

Leonard.

Leonard?

What?

Are you sleeping?

I was. Now I'm having
a nightmare.

What?

Never mind.
I still can't tell you.

Penny?

Mmm.

Penny.

Mm-hmm, mmm.

Penny.

Oh, my God.

Sheldon?

You frightened me.

What are you doing
in my bedroom?

Yeah, well, I knocked
on the front door,

but you didn't hear it.

How did you even get in,
you weirdo?

Yeah, really?

I've seen strange men traipsing
in and out of here for years,

but when I do it, it's weird?

What do you want, Sheldon?

Oh, I was having a
little trouble sleeping

and I just thought,

uh, seeing as you're up,
we could talk.

Talk about what?

Oh, I don't know.

Uh, weather, uh, fish
you could do carpentry with.

Why Leonard is such
an attractive

and desirable boyfriend.

Yeah, pick one-- your choice.

Sheldon.

Did you know that Leonard
has a perfect driving record

and enjoys
the insurance discounts

that go along with that?

Hubba-hubba.

Okay, go home, crazy man.

Yeah. Did you know that

while Leonard is not considered
a tall fellow in our country,

in today's North Korea,
he's downright average.

Talk about a keeper.

Okay, what did Amy tell you?

Oh, very well.

I can't keep up
this clever charade any longer.

She told me

that you were thinking
of ending it with Leonard.

Okay, you listen to me.

I think it's really sweet you're
trying to protect your friend,

but this is none
of your business. Got it?

Excuse me. This is not
about protecting my friend.

I'm a big fan of homeostasis.

Do you know what that is?

- Of course not.
- Yeah.

Homeostasis refers
to a system's ability

to regulate
its internal environment

and maintain a constant
condition of properties

like temperature or pH.

Worst bedtime story ever.

My point is

I don't like when things change.

So, regardless of your feelings,

I would like you
to continue dating Leonard.

And also,

while we're on the subject, you
recently changed your shampoo.

I'm not comfortable
with the new scent.

Please stop this madness
and go back to green apple.

Okay, honey, I have
a lot to figure out,

and until I do, you are not
to say a word to Leonard.

Do you understand?

I do.

You clear on the shampoo issue?

Get out.

Penny?

What?

Please don't hurt my friend.

That is the last thing
I want to do.

Thank you.

Coconut? What were you thinking?

- Are you a hula girl?
- Get out!

Hello?

What the hell is wrong with you?
You told Sheldon?

Do you know what a terrible
position this puts me in?

Hang on, please.

Hello?

Yeah, just a heads-up:

Penny knows that you blabbed
about Leonard.

She's pretty mad.

I know.

She's yelling at me right now.

All right then,
so we're all on the same page.

Yeah.

Hey, Bernie.

There's my hubby.

How's everything going up there?

Oh, it's okay.

Space is beautiful.

Earth is beautiful.
Same old, same old.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Everything's fine.

Howard.

The other astronauts
are being mean to me.

No, what are they doing?

Well, like for instance, the
other day when I was asleep,

one of the guys went
on a space walk and glued

a big-eyed rubber alien mask
to the outside of my window.

When I woke up, I screamed
for like nine minutes.

Oh, Howie.

You can see it if you want.
It's on YouTube.

Google "astronaut screams
for nine minutes."

Why don't you stand up to them?

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know.

Say, "Being mean is lame.

What's cool is being nice."

Great, I'll do that when
I want to be the first guy

in space to get a wedgie.

Do you want me
to call somebody at NASA?

No.

My mom already tried that.

It only made things worse.

Gelatinous Sphere.

Focused Locust.

Temple of Yip.

I'm sorry. Wolowitz
would never play that card.

All right, Lesser Demon Turtle.

Fairy God Monster, I win.

Your desperate need
for friendship makes you weak.

So, what are you
guys doing later?

Stuart and I were thinking
of going out for a drink.

We're gonna try
to meet some girls.

'Cause that's what we do.

Watch out, ladies:

A little coffee and cream
coming your way.

In case you didn't follow that,
I'm the coffee.

Leonard?

Maybe you'd like to go
with them to meet girls.

Why would I be interested?
I have Penny.

Yeah, for now.

But that woman has
a death wish, Leonard.

She talks to strangers;
She pets unfamiliar dogs;

And it is ridiculously easy

to break into her apartment.

If I were you,

I'd get a back-up.

You can't just replace
someone you care about

with some other random person.

No, please don't ruin this
for me.

Do you remember how upset I was

when they replaced Edward Norton
as the Hulk?

Yes, you walked around
for a week saying,

"Sheldon unhappy
with casting choice."

But, then Mark Ruffalo
was the Hulk in The Avengers,

and he was even better.

What's your point?

Call me a romantic.

I like to think

that your Mark Ruffalo
is still out there somewhere.

This is ridiculous.
Are we gonna play cards or not?

I like Mark Ruffalo, too.

Yeah, settle down there,
Fake Wolowitz.

No one likes a kiss-up.

So, I had to take Sheldon
to the dentist this morning.

- Really?
- Yup.

I told him if he didn't
bite the hygienist,

I'd take him for ice cream.

Mmm.

I didn't have to take him
for ice cream.

Uh-huh.

You okay?

You seem a little distracted.

Look, there's something
I need to tell you.

Oh.

Yeah, okay.

I don't really know
how to say this.

Just say it.

Okay. Here goes.

Mm-hmm.

You slept with him?

I didn't know what else to do.

He had those big, sad eyes.

Oh, sure, you had no choice.

He looked at me like this.

Well, if that's all it takes,

it's a good thing
you don't have a dog.

Don't worry.

You'll have plenty of chances
to break up with him:

Your wedding day,
your honeymoon,

your 50th anniversary.

Look, it's fine.

We're not getting married, okay?

We're keeping things,
you know, homeostasis.

It's so cute when she tries.

It's from Leonard.

"Last night was amazing.

"You're amazing.

I'm so lucky to have you
in my life."

Please, stop it.

Hey, Bernie, guess what?

I stood up to the other
astronauts like you said

and I got to tell you,
last night was the first time

in a week I got
a good night's sleep.

Oh, Howie.

What's wrong?
You look upset.

Nope, this is my proud face.

== Encoded, Synced & Corrected by
$H@uN ==