The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Contractual Obligation Implementation - full transcript

I know you guys don't want to do this,
but we have no choice.

You can either bitch and whine
or we can get it over with.

- I got whine.
- I got the B-word.

Yeah, well, it's in our contract
to serve on a university committee.

And frankly,
this is one I believe in, okay? Here:

Encouraging more women
to pursue a career in the sciences.

Come on, if I was good
at convincing women to do stuff...

...I wouldn't have spent
so much of my 20's in the shower. Heh.

If you ask me,
this whole thing is a waste of our time.

- Helping women?
- Yeah, helping anyone.

People should take care of themselves.



Oh, like yesterday when you
made me drive you to the dry cleaners...

...the pharmacy and the post office?

I'm not saying people can't use tools.

Even an otter picks up a rock
when he wants a clam.

You don't think it's worthwhile to get
more women in science?

I think that's incredibly sexist of you.

I believe in a gender-blind society
like in Star Trek...

...where women and men of all races
and creeds work side by side as equals.

You mean where they were advanced
enough to invent an interstellar warp drive...

...but a black lady
still answered the space phone?

Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time
with Lieutenant Uhura.

Howard's disturbing recollections aside...

...I don't appreciate being forced
to do banal committee work.

I know. You're too smart for this.



Exactly. It's like asking the Human Torch
to heat up your frozen burrito.

Got it. All right, I'm thinking one way
to counter bias in the peer-review process...

...is for papers to be submitted
under gender-neutral names...

...like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.

I suppose there is a history
of professional women...

...using their initials
so as not to be pre-judged.

Harry Potter's J.K. Rowling,
uh, Star Trek's D.C. Fontana.

Van Nuys pole-dancer, D.D. Melons.

All right. I think we've really helped
women today. Let's fire up the Xbox.

Don't make this a school project
where I'm the smart kid doing the work...

...while the slackers sit and watch.

We're not. You're the smart kid
doing all the work...

...while the even smarter kids
sit back and watch.

So you think I'm one of the smarter kids?

No, you're a tool I was using
to make my point.

Guys, our topic is
"Encouraging Women in Science."

Can you at least play a less sexist game?

How is it sexist?

My character wields a battle ax
as well as any man.

Not to mention she has mammary glands
that could nurse a family of 30.

And have enough milk left over
to open a Baskin-Robbins.

Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner...

...I hear glass ceilings shattering
all over town.

Sheldon, you're always saying
how much smarter you are than me.

Spend five seconds and come up with one
idea on how to get more women into science.

All your ideas address the issue
at a university level. By then it's too late.

You need to design a program that
targets girls at the middle-school level...

...and sets them on an academic track
towards the hard sciences.

That's actually good.
Why didn't I think of that?

Some people are otters,
some people are rocks.

I wonder if there's a way
we could give the idea a trial run.

I could call my old middle school, see if
we can talk to some of the female students.

Great. Try to set up something
for us to go over there.

Hold on. While I'm comfortable
speaking about science...

...I'm not sure I know how to spark the
interest of school children. Better Google it.

What exactly are you looking up?

"How do I get 12-year-old girls excited?"

- No!
- No!

Thanks again for letting me crash
girl's night.

Are you kidding?
You brought fancy wine and made fondue.

I've slept with guys for less.

It's a joke.

Based on real events.

Anyway, I was hoping
I could, uh, pick your brains a little.

I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday
and I need a killer first date.

Evolutionary biology
says that women are attracted to a man...

...who is steady in the face of danger,
so I recommend an unsafe environment.

A seedy bar
on the wrong side of the tracks...

...a picnic near a lunatic asylum...

...a wine-tasting on skid row.

Lucy has some, uh, social anxiety issues,
we could start with something simpler.

Why don't you take her to Disneyland?

You go on Space Mountain,
you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.

That ride is shorter than you think...

...and they take a picture of you at the end,
so make sure you got your clothes on.

It's a joke.

Based on real events.

Disneyland? I don't know.

With all the crowds
and the weird characters walking around...

...just reminds me too much of India.

I haven't been since I was a kid.
We should go one weekend.

Weekends are too crowded.

- So blow off work, go on a weekday.
- Hooky?

I've never played hooky in my life.

My mom said that's how girls end up
addicted to reefer and jazz music.

More like how girls end up
at a Best Western hotel...

...with a 34-year-old guy named Luther.

- Joke?
- I can laugh about it now.

What do you say? This Friday
we ditch work and go to Disneyland?

- I'm in.
- Me too.

Excuse me, I thought we were
trying to solve my problem.

Oh, yeah, right.

Wait, what was your problem again?

I'm a man who can't talk to women, trying
to figure out how to go on a romantic date...

...with a girl who suffers from social
anxiety, she can't be around other people.

Yeah, that's a toughie.

Let's think.

Are we doing just Disney
or California Adventure too?

It's nice of your old school to let us try out
our science talk on some female students.

They were actually pretty excited.
I'm their most famous alum.

If you don't count the serial killer
who ate all those prostitutes.

This must feel good for you, coming
back to your alma mater as an astronaut.

Yeah. Last time I was here
I was just a scrawny little nerd.

And now you're also an astronaut.

So many memories.
How many times in these hallways...

...was I tripped, punched and spit on? Heh.

Oh, look, here's my old locker.

I have a masters in engineering...

...I still can't figure out how Scott Kapinski
got me and my briefcase to fit in there.

- Hey.
- What?

Nothing.

Smart, we don't want any problems.

I can't believe I ditched work
for Disneyland.

What did you tell your boss?

Oh, I was very clever, I did it in stages.

At 7 last night I called
about a problem at the lab...

...and casually mentioned
I was going out for seafood.

At 9:30, I called and told him
that one of my scallops tasted weird.

At 11:30, I called and said
I was throwing up like a fire hose.

At 12:45, I called and made nothing
but dry-heaving sounds.

And now I'm going to Disneyland!

Penny, what did you say?

I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
I said, "Bye."

So, what are we gonna do first?

I don't know about you, but I'm going to the
place that gives you a princess makeover.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

You're kidding, right? We're not just
gonna get drunk and go on rides?

Come on, do it with us.

Ah, all right, whatever. How does it work?

Okay, so you pick your princess,
Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella.

They give you hair, makeup, the works.

I guess it would be fun to be Cinderella.

- I want to be Cinderella too.
- Yeah.

We can't all be Cinderella.

Then how do we decide?

Well, it's simple. This was my idea,
I'm driving, I'm Cinderella.

You bitches got a problem with that,
we can stop the car right now.

Excuse me.

I'm meeting a girl here.
It's kind of a first date.

In a library?

She and I are both a little awkward in social
situations so this seemed like a good idea.

Ah. People say I'm a little awkward too.

May I join you?

No, you can't join us.

Go climb back up whatever beanstalk
you came down from.

You can do better.

Oh, we're eating here?

We're having a texting date?

LUCY:
I love that.

RAJESH: As you're reading, it will help
to remember I have an adorable accent.

Okay, who's ready for some science?

Me too.

Okay, I am Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

I'm here with my friends, Dr. Cooper,
and real-life astronaut Howard Wolowitz.

And we are going to show you girls
how cool a job in science can be.

How cool, you ask?

Well, how about negative 273 degrees...

...because that's the temperature at which
entropy reaches its minimum value.

Did I just learn something new
and have fun doing it? What?

All right.

So now let's bring out theoretical physicist,
Dr. Sheldon Cooper!

Hello, female children.

Allow me to inspire you...

...with a story about
a great female scientist.

Polish-born, French-educated...

...Madame Curie.

Co-discoverer of radioactivity...

...she was a hero of science.
Until her hair fell out...

...her vomit and stool
became filled with blood...

...and she was poisoned to death
by her own discovery.

With a little hard work...

...I see no reason
why that can't happen to any of you.

Are we done? Can we go?

The thing to remember is
you can go to outer space too.

Heh. I mean, look at me.

I went to this very school.
Those desks you're sitting in?

I was once superglued to one of them.

HOWARD:
Mm-hm.

Did you go to the moon?

No, but I did go
to the International Space Station.

Did you fly the rocket?

No, but I was in the rocket.

- I didn't actually...
- So you just flew around?

That's kind of like my uncle.
A flight attendant.

No, heh, I'm an American hero,
your uncle brings people nuts, okay?

All right, all right, all right.

Boy, we are learning a lot here, huh?
Thank you, Astronaut Howard.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um, I am what's called
an experimental physicist.

Which is super fun because I get
to test theories and work with lasers.

- Yes?
- How did you decide to become a scientist?

Oh, excellent question.

Um, I suppose I've always been into science.

My mother and father are scientists,
so I was kind of led in that direction.

Pushed might be a better way to describe it.

To be honest with you guys, when
I was your age, I wanted to be a rap star.

Like Snoop Dogg, but with
a healthy respect for the police.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah, no, sure, you laugh.

Just like my mother did.

[RAPPING]
After I confided, I was derided and chided

My moms and I collided

She said my dreams were misguided

[CLEARS THROAT]

That's just a little freestyle.

RAJESH: My dad's a gynecologist in India. So if
you're ever over there and need a checkup...

...as he likes to say, he's "at your cervix. "

LUCY: That's terrible. Your dad
should be sent to the pun-itentiary.

RAJESH:
That's a fitting pun-ishment.

I still don't know what you do for a living.

LUCY:
Web design.

RAJESH:
Anything I might've seen?

LUCY: I don't know.
You ever look at porn websites?

RAJESH:
No. Never. What is porn?

LUCY:
Sorry, auto-correct.

That was supposed to say "prom websites. "

RAJESH:
Ooh, fun. I love prom.

The romance, the gowns,
it's like a fairy tale come to life.

Sorry, auto-correct.

That was supposed to say "I like sports. "

I never wanted to play the cello.

How do you meet girls playing the cello?

"Hey, wanna come over to my house
and hear me play an instrument...

...that sounds like a suicidal bumblebee?"

Quick, pull the fire alarm,
let's get out of here.

Uh, hello again. Um...

Yeah, I don't know if women in general...

...have been actively discouraged
from pursuing the sciences...

...but it's clear you young women
here today have been.

While I was listening to my colleagues
waste your time...

...it occurred to me that it might be
much more meaningful...

...to hear about women in science
from actual women in science.

And, uh, I happen to know
two brilliant examples...

...who have agreed to speak to you
on the phone right now.

Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler?
Are you there?

AMY [OVER PHONE]:
We're here.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy
schedule to enlighten these young women.

It's our pleasure.

I'm Dr. Fowler, and I'm a neuroscientist.

And I'm Dr. Rostenkowski-Wolowitz,
and I'm a microbiologist.

The world of science needs more women,
but from a young age...

...we girls are encouraged to care
more about the way we look...

...than about the power of our minds.

That's true. Every one of you has
the capacity to be anything you want to be.

Unless you wanna be Cinderella.

Come at me, see what happens.

RAJESH:
This was really fun.

My battery's dying, so I'm just gonna talk.

Thanks for today.

I've been trying to do more things
that scare me.

And coming here
was definitely one of them.

But it was also really nice.

So thanks, and, um, I'm gonna go.

Maybe I could do one more scary thing
before I go and give you a kiss goodbye?

You know, if that's okay.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Panic attack! Maybe next time.

I'm counting that as foreplay.

Bernie, I'm home.

You have fun today?

BERNADETTE:
Yes. And I have a surprise for you.

Please be Cinderella, please be Cinderella.

Well, hello, Prince Charming.

Milady.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, how was your...? What?

I can explain. I played hooky with the girls
and we all went to Disneyland and go...

- What are you doing?
- Disneyland, go on, I'm listening.

Sheldon.

All Snow White needs
is one little kiss to wake up.

Heard you the first time.

[English - US - SDH]