The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Bakersfield Expedition - full transcript

Hey, will you steam my uniform next?

Interesting.
Do you recall this conversation?

"Leonard, wanna go halfsies
on a steamer?"

"No, Sheldon, we don't need a steamer."

Looks like that rumpled
chicken's come home to roost.

Hi. Here are the makeup
sponges you asked for.

- Oh, thanks, I thought I had more.
- Hmm.

Damn, you've got more makeup than I do.

You've got better makeup than I do.
Yeah, I'm borrowing this.

Hey, hey, hey,
this is my Comic-Con makeup.

I love you, but there are some things
a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.



That's a wise policy.

I once borrowed my sister's makeup
for a costume contest...

...got a terrible case of pink eye.

Yeah, well, luckily, I was going
as a zombie, I won second place.

You guys just went to Comic-Con.

That was San Diego Comic-Con.
This is Bakersfield Comic-Con.

- Is that better?
- Well, it's a lot smaller.

It's about the comic books.

The way these conventions used to be
before they went Hollywood.

So to answer your question,
no, it's not better.

Then why are you going?

It's a comic book convention.

Like pizza or particle accelerators...

...even the stinky ones, still pretty good.



Well, you guys have fun.
I guess I'll see you Sunday.

- Yeah. Oh, hang on a second.
- Okay.

Hold this.

- What was that for?
- To show people when they don't believe me.

This is the best. You have booze with
breakfast on Tuesday, you got a problem.

You do it on the weekend,
you got brunch.

Sheldon doesn't believe in brunch.

Can't stand a table where one person's having
an omelet and another is having a sandwich.

That's not exhausting at all.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Oh.

It's Leonard. He says they're on the road
and headed for Bakersfield at warp speed.

Maybe it's the mimosa,
but I'm gonna give the kid an LOL.

Cute how excited they are.

You should have seen Howard
sewing his costume all week.

When did Howard learn to sew?

When he was a little boy, every couple of
months he'd have to let his mom's pants out.

I don't understand
why they go to these conventions.

The four of them work at a major university,
they're all smart...

...how can they be into something
for 12-year-olds?

I don't mind it. I think Howie's
just in touch with his inner child.

Although when he's in Batman pajamas...

...sometimes it feels like
I'm touching his inner child.

It's probably because they were bullied.
In a world where you can't fight back...

...superheroes provide
meaningful wish-fulfillment.

Hmm. Now I feel bad for picking on
all those kids.

Although if Danny Biffle
didn't want to eat a mouthful of dirt...

...he shouldn't have shown up
to school wearing a bow tie.

I've never even read a comic book.
You guys?

PENNY: Mm-mm.
- No.

It's such an important part of their lives.

- Maybe we should try reading some.
- Seriously?

The comic book store isn't far from here.

That is an amazing idea.

Okay, how many of these have I had?

I think you should turn on the GPS.

It is on.

But the turn-by-turn voice option isn't on.

I know I'd feel more safe
if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option.

I love the turn-by-turn voice option.

Has it really only been 10 miles?

I'm turning it on, but just to shut you up.

GPS [IN SHELDON'S VOICE]: Leonard,
bear left and continue on Interstate 210.

Ooh, sounds like that fellow
knows what he's talking about.

I'd put on my listening ears if I were you.

- What did you do?
- I found a hack online.

I was able to upload MP3 recordings
of my voice to your GPS.

- That is so cool.
- Counterpoint, no, it's not.

GPS:
Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles.

Here's an interesting fact
about Interstates:

- Really?
- Shh!

He said it's interesting.

GPS:
Interstates are numbered as follows:

Even-numbered routes run east and west.

Odd-numbered routes run
north and south.

Three-digit route numbers
indicate bypasses or spurs.

Look, Leonard, there's a bridge.
Drive off it.

You know, we're not that far
from Vasquez Rocks.

Oh, they shot a lot of
Star Trek episodes out there.

We got our costumes in the trunk...

...we could go there
and have a little photo shoot.

Great idea. I haven't had
a carbohydrate in two weeks.

These cheekbones need to be in front of a
camera before I eat a pretzel and they're gone.

- It sounds fun.
- Oh, smashing.

Now, Leonard,
do you know how to get there?

- No.
- Yeah, well, luckily, someone in the car does.

GPS:
Recalculating.

While we're waiting,
do you know which president...

...signed the
Interstate Highway System Act into law?

The answer coming up in 14 miles.

None of you will get it. It's Eisenhower.

Why are they staring?

Who cares, just soak it in.

Hello, boys.

Oh, hey.

Could you please stop staring?
They're just girls.

It's nothing you haven't seen
in movies or in drawings.

- Hey, Stuart.
- What brings you guys here?

We were looking for a recommendation
about comic books.

Well, I recommend you don't
open a store and sell them.

We were wondering why the guys
like this stuff, so we thought we'd try it.

Oh, okay.
What do you think you might be into?

Superhero? Fantasy?
Graphic novels? Manga?

I swear I will turn a hose on you.

What kind of comics do the guys like?

Um, a little bit of everything.
Mostly superhero stuff.

- All right, well, who's the best superhero?
- Shh!

You can't ask a question like that in here.
Are you trying to start a rumble?

Well, what do you recommend?

Well, uh, let's see, you've got your basic
clean-cut good guys:

Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America.

Then you have your darker anti-heroes:

Your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.

Ooh, I do love a bad boy.

As evidenced by your boyfriend
and his fear of hamsters.

If I were you,
I'd go for Fables number one.

Artwork is sophisticated,
it's intelligently written...

...and it doesn't objectify...

- ...or stereotype women.
- Oh, Thor. He's hot.

Yeah, he kind of is.

And we're blending...

...and we're blending, and we're done.

I know Mr. Data isn't supposed
to smile, but here it comes.

Come on, guys, let's do this.

Yeah, I'm sweating my bald cap off.

What's our first pose gonna be?

I say we begin with a classic
Star Trek fight scene.

I'll set the timer.

Sheldon, how is that a fight pose?

Mr. Data's weapon is his mind.

I'm wielding it.

Phasers on the Borg!

Charlie's Angels!

Okay, what's next?

Now let's do some sexy glamour shots.

I'll set the mood.

[SCATTING]

Yeah, nice one.

That's right.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT
THEN ENGINE REVS]

Oh, my God.
Leonard, someone's stealing your car!

What? Hey! Hey, come back here!

- Stop!
- Stealing is against the law!

I don't believe this.

Son of a bitch.

I'll call 911.

Oh, no, my phone is in my other pants.

- Mine too.
- So is mine.

Anybody got any ideas?

Nope. The only thing left to do now
is assign blame.

Nice going.

What kind of a person steals
another person's car in broad daylight?

What kind of person
leaves his keys in the car?

Thought we agreed
it's Koothrappali's fault.

You're right.

Nice going.

Car.

What is wrong with people?
Why don't they stop?

Maybe we're better off.

What if we were to get in a car
with a crazy person?

Look at us, Sheldon.
We're the crazy people.

Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign...

...that assures passing motorists
of our mental competence.

Good idea.
Why don't you get started on that?

Come on, let's just start walking.

There's gotta be a gas station
or something nearby.

What, you think just because you're wearing
a captain's uniform you're in charge?

Yes.

All right.

Okay, I'm done.

- How did you guys finish so fast?
- I don't know, there were a lot of pictures.

And one page only had the word
"brakka-dooom!"

Yeah, well, I have street smarts.

So, what'd you guys think?

- Well, there was a lot of action.
PENNY: Hmm.

And the story moved along
at a brisk pace.

It was, overall,
what's the word I'm looking for...?

- Stupid?
- So stupid.

I don't know how Leonard
can get so caught up.

It's crazy. They spend hours arguing
about things that don't even exist.

- What a waste of time.
- I know.

A hammer so heavy
that no one else can pick it up?

[SCOFFS]

I don't think it's heavy, I think it's some
sort of magic so only Thor can lift it.

That makes even less sense, I mean...

No, no, no, it doesn't.

Thor is a god. The hammer is his.
Only he can use it.

It's like Sheldon and his toothbrush.

Or his thin, beckoning lips.

Okay, hang on, what if Thor's hand
is on the hammer?

If he's touching it with his god magic,
then does that mean I could lift it?

- No.
- Yes.

Well, which is it?

- Maybe we missed something.
- Let's read it again.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- You want some tea?
- Good idea. I'll help you.

- Wait, I thought we were reading?
- We are.

We're just, uh, giving you a head start.

I wish my mom was here.

We could all hang out in her shadow.

Wool pants in the desert.

I feel like I've got poached testicles.

Oh, you poor thing, you're sweating.

That's so much worse
than having your car stolen.

Insurance is gonna buy you a new car.
It's not gonna de-funk my junk.

Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching.

We're Starfleet officers
and a member of the Borg Collective.

Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood.

Leonard...

...all our lives
we have dreamed of finding ourselves...

...inside one of the fantasy worlds
we love.

And look at us.

At this moment, we are, in fact,
a Star Trek landing party...

...stranded in an alien
and unforgiving environment.

Relying only on our wits,
our fortitude and our moxie.

As long as we have those things...

- ...nothing can stop us...
MAN: Nerds!

I hate this planet.

It says right here on the hammer:

"Whoever holds this hammer, if he be
worthy, shall possess the power of Thor."

Hold on. Who decides who's worthy?
Does the hammer decide?

- Yes!
- No!

- It can't decide, it's a hammer.
- You said it's a magic hammer!

Yeah, but it can't make decisions.

If Harry Potter's wand can make decisions,
why can't Thor's hammer?

Okay, if you're gonna start comparing wands
and hammers, I can't even take you seriously.

Hello.

Hello.

Four glasses of water, please.

Anything for you guys?

Can I use your phone?
Our car got stolen.

Why don't you ask Scotty
to beam you up?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Scotty was on the original series
and we're Next Generation.

So joke's on you.

We're not with him.

You can't pick something up
in outer space.

In space, there is no up.

Oh, yeah? Then how does
the sun come up every day?

Hard to argue
with those kind of street smarts.

Leonard and Sheldon have boxes of comics.
Why don't we go look at those?

Oh, great. And then you will see,
I am not wrong.

If we were in outer space,
anyone could pick up the hammer...

...because it would be floating
in a weightless environment.

Yeah, that's right,
the slow reader used science. Suck on that.

- Was there anything valuable in the car?
- Our clothes, our wallets, phones.

And about $300 worth of makeup...

...so this thief could look like
anyone right now.

Makeup? Sure.

We're going to the Comic-Con in Bakersfield.
They have a big costume contest.

It's cooler than it sounds.

I don't know, sounds pretty cool.

It is. It's not just comic books.

They've got action figures,
toys, a Tron themed dance party...

Okay, he gets how cool it is.

I think I have all I need here.
You guys need me to call someone?

I'm guessing your moms?

Thanks, but we've got it covered.

Okay, I just talked to my mom.

She arranged for us to get a rental car.

Great, we can still make it to Comic-Con.

Are you kidding me? After all we've
been through? I just want to go home.

Don't be like that.
Come on, Howard, talk to him.

I'm with Leonard. I'm done.

Fine, then I guess it's two against two.
How do we decide?

Actually, it's three against one.

What? Well, what about the mission?
You said we're a real-life landing party.

Well, we're not.

We're an imaginary landing party.

Who had real-life garbage thrown at us
by real-life strangers who think we're idiots.

And to tell you the truth,
I'm starting to feel like one.

I want to go home now.

Okay.

Did we at least rent the car
from Enterprise?

Get it? Enterprise? Heh.

Screw you, that's funny.

Well, what if the Hulk picked up Thor
while Thor is holding the hammer?

- Yeah?
- Then by the transitive property...

...of picking things up,
Hulk picked up the hammer.

No, Hulk picked up Thor,
Thor picked up the hammer.

Hang on, if I go to a bar and pick
up a guy, and he picks up a girl...

...and then we all leave together,
did I pick up the girl?

Did that ever happen?

Hey, we talking about me
or are we talking about Thor?

Well, I say that's the last time
we ever go outside.

AMY: Look right here,
Red Hulk is picking up Thor's hammer...

...because Thor is touching it.

PENNY:
No, it's because they're in space!

BERNADETTE: He's touching the strap.
AMY: The strap's part of the hammer!

PENNY:
No, it's not!

Are they actually
arguing about comic books?

No, that can't be right.

Maybe Thor's Hammer
is a new color of nail polish.

BERNADETTE:
Then Red Hulk must be worthy!

PENNY:
How could Red Hulk be worthy?

BERNADETTE:
You don't know his life.

There's only one logical explanation:
Somewhere in the desert...

...we crossed into
an alternate dimension...

...where the women in our lives
can finally appreciate great literature.

If it's an alternate dimension...

...that sounds like a job
for a landing party.

Captain, what are your orders?

I say we investigate.

Wait.

They might be hostile.

Fine, but set them to stun.

If we vaporize Penny, I'll never
find a girlfriend that pretty again.

GPS:
Fun fact:

President Eisenhower
signed the Federal Aid Highway Act...

...from his hospital room.

Wow, that is interesting.

You learn something new every day.

GPS: Say, can you name the four state capitals
that are not served by the Interstate System?

- Ooh, another quiz?
- Yes!

[English - US - SDH]