The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Hawking Excitation - full transcript

So, I got the craziest
e-mail this morning.

I don't mean to burst
your bubble, dude,

but those penile enlargement
pills do not work.

Believe me, I know.

The e-mail I got was

from the office of
Stephen Hawking.

- You're kidding.
- Why?

He's coming to the university
for a couple weeks to lecture,

and he's looking for an
engineer to help maintain

the equipment on his wheelchair.

That's amazing.



You'll be like his pit crew.

A word of caution:
I would not do

your Stephen Hawking
impression in front of him.

You're right.

I suppose that could be
considered offensive.

Boy, Sheldon's going
to freak out.

Yeah, he worships Hawking.

I was actually thinking
about bringing him along

when I go over there so
he can meet the great man.

That's really nice
of you, Howard.

It's no big deal.

Boy, a restraining order
from Stephen Hawking.

It'll look so nice next to
the ones he's already got

from Leonard Nimoy,
Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.



Leonard, do you recall

when I said that I was going

to revolutionize
humanity's understanding

of the Higgs boson particle,
and you said,

"Sheldon, it's 2:00 a.m.,
get out of my bedroom"?

Like it was ten hours ago.

What about it?

Well, I believe I've done it.

And I'm only saying "believe"
to sound modest,

because, sweet Sam Houston,
I did it.

Really?
That's incredible. Oh, here.

Break out the math.

Oh, okay, let me see this.

All right, so
this particle here

is the boson moving
forward in time.

Now, I was thinking...
Howard, you go ahead and eat.

This isn't going to make
any sense to you.

Sheldon, I have a working
understanding of physics.

Yeah, good for you,
and don't stop working on it.

Are you still
going to tell him

about you-know-who?
Yep.

Are you still going
to introduce him?

Not on your life.

♪ Our whole universe was
in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x21
The Hawking Excitation
Original Air Date on April 5, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Please, please, please

let me meet Hawking.

I told you, no.

But I said I'm sorry.

No, you said, "Would it help
if I said I'm sorry?"

And you never answered me.

So who owes whom an apology now?

Sheldon,
you're a condescending jerk.

Why on earth would I want
to do something nice for you?

Um...

to go to Jewish heaven?

Jews don't have heaven.

Then to avoid Jewish hell?

Have you met my mother?

I live in Jewish hell.

Howard, please.

This is Stephen Hawking.

Perhaps my only
intellectual equal.

Oh, you can't be serious.

Try to put yourself
in my place.

Imagine you're the
sole human being

living on a planet populated
with nothing but dogs.

And then it turns out

there's another human being.

Hang on.

Are you saying
the rest of us are dogs?

Okay, I can see you're going
to take this the wrong way.

Let me try again.

Imagine you're the
sole human being

living on a planet populated
with nothing but chimps.

Get out of my lab.

Oh, now they're so much smarter
than dogs.

Have you seen them
on those little bicycles?

Get out.

How about dolphins?

Out!

So, come on, how was
the first day with Hawking?

It was great.

We talked about movies...

Oh...

I showed him some card tricks...

Oh!

He even let me read a couple
pages from his new book.

Oh!

Something got
you down there, bunky?

Howard, please,
I'm begging you.

Raj,
you're our group historian.

Has Sheldon ever begged before?

Three times.

He begged the Fox network
not to cancel Firefly.

He begged

the TNT network
to cancel Babylon 5.

And when he got food poisoning
at the Rose Bowl Parade,

he begged a deity
he doesn't believe in

to end his life quickly.

Do you understand how
important Hawking is to me?

When I was six years old,

I dressed up as
him for Halloween.

You're kidding.

No, sir, no, I took
my dad's desk chair,

attached a Speak
& Spell to it

and made my sister push
me up and down the block

to trick or treat.

Granted most people
thought I was R2-D2,

but still, I got a lot of candy.

You don't seem
to be understanding

the English word "no."

Maybe a different language
will help.

Russian: nyet.

Chinese: bu.

Japanese: iie.

Klingon: qo'.

Binary coded Ascii:
0110111001101111.

It's actually 01100111.

No!

I'm not asking for me,

I'm asking for Hawking.

Let me try gansta:
Hells naw.

Okay, look, how about this?

Just give him my paper
on the Higgs boson.

If he sees the
incredible breakthrough

I've made, he'll
reach out to me.

What if he doesn't?

He will; he's really smart.

That's an interesting idea.

Why don't you give me

a minute to talk it over
with my friends?

- How do I do that?
- You walk away.

Walking away.

You do realize
you own his ass right now.

I do.

You can make him
do anything you want.

Yeah, I know, I'm just trying
to figure out

how much I want to punish him.

Well, don't be too mean.

Hey, fellas,

I'm thinking about making some

freshly brewed iced tea
if anyone would like some.

I wouldn't mind a glass.

I wasn't talking to you.

Bring him to his bony knees.

Sheldon, come on back.

Yes, yes.

What did you decide?

I'll give your paper
to Professor Hawking.

Great, thank you!

Oh, that's terrific!

But in exchange, I'd like you
to do a few things for me.

What kinds of things?

Are you familiar
with the 12 labors of Hercules?

Of course.

You should be so lucky.

All right.

What would you like me
to do first?

Well, I thought
I'd start you off

by polishing my belt buckles.

Oh.

By all means.

When I was a boy, I would
polish my Mee-Maw's silver.

And she would entertain me
with stories

about growing up in Oklahoma.

Interesting woman.

She once killed a prairie dog
with a gravy boat.

That's nice.

That's a lot of belt buckles.

Funny thing is,
I only have one belt.

Anyway, I'll let
you get started.

Oh, by the way,

the little marks, uh,
that look like water spots--

I tend to stand too close
to the urinal, so...

...what you're seeing there
is splash back.

You make sissy
on your belt buckles?

Mee-Maw's forks never had that.

Here is a black light
to check them.

And for your own peace of mind,

you might not want to shine that
around the rest of the room.

Sheldon, these look great.

They're like
magnificent little crowns

to hang over
my magnificent little jewels.

How'd you get them so shiny?

Oh, I-I buffed them
with Turtle Wax.

The man down at Pep Boys
says from now on,

the urine should just bead up
and roll right off.

Way to go the extra mile.

Your Mee-Maw would be proud.

My Mee-Maw
must never know of this.

Now will you give
Professor Hawking my paper?

Oh, my dear boy, no.

Okay.

Next,

this is
a sexy French maid costume

I bought for Bernadette.

I thought it might
spice things up

and get her to dust
my room at the same time,

but I was wrong
and really wrong.

And you want me to
return it for you?

No, no, no, mon petit cherie.

What are you all staring at?

You ever seen a man try
to get a meeting

with Stephen Hawking before?

Hey.

Hello.

It's not Saturday night.

Why are you doing
your laundry?

This is not
my laundry.

Wow, are these Amy's?

Kind of trashy-- good for her.

Those are Howard's.

Ugh...

Why are you washing

Howard's man panties?

Because if I don't,

he won't give my paper
to Stephen Hawking.

- He's a famous physicist.
- Yeah, yeah,

I know, he's the wheelchair dude
who invented time.

That's close enough.

I don't understand,
why doesn't Howard

just introduce you to the guy?

Because he's punishing me for
being a "condescending jerk."

You don't think
I'm condescending, do you?

Well, kind of...

Oh, I'm sorry,
condescending means...

I know what it means.

And yes,
you love correcting people

and putting them down.

Au contraire.

When I correct people
I am raising them up.

You should know, I do it
for you more than anyone.

Come on, you do it
to feel superior.

I see that twinkle in your eye

when someone says "who"
instead of "whom"

or thinks the moon is a planet.

Or Don Quixote is a book
about a donkey named Hotay.

See,

there it is,
there's that twinkle.

Well, I can't help it.

That's an involuntary twinkle.

What do you want me
to tell you, Sheldon?

I want you to tell me

that Howard is being mean to me
for no reason.

Fine, Howard is being mean
to you for no reason.

I knew it.

What's the matter?

Every time I spend the night,

your mom slaps me on the behind
and says, "Go get 'em."

It's not her fault.

She's getting
hormone replacement therapy.

Makes her crazy horny.

Check this out,
I got Sheldon

to wear the French
maid's costume.

Oh, my God,
that's terrible.

Hey, I gave you
first crack at it.

Why are you doing that?

You're being mean to him.

He's mean to me all the time.

You've heard him tease me
about not having a doctorate.

If you don't want
to get teased about that,

get a doctorate.

I have one; they're great.

Oh, come on, the
man torments me.

I'm just letting him have

a little taste
of his own medicine.

It's not the same thing.

Sheldon doesn't know
when he's being mean

because the part of his brain
that should know

is getting a wedgie
from the rest of his brain.

Fine, I'll just make him do
a couple more things,

then I'll stop.

No, you have to stop now.

Bernadette, I want to remind you,

you promised to take me
dress shopping tomorrow!

Oh, damn.

I'm sorry,
I can't make it,

but Sheldon's going
to go with you!

And that's the last thing
you do to him.

Sheldon!

I need your help!

What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?

It's this dress!

When I put my front in,
my back pops out!

When I put my back in,
my front pops out!

It's like trying to keep
two dogs in a bathtub!

What do you want me to do?

We're gonna have
to work as a team!

Get in here, grab a handful,
and start stuffing!

I'm not sure how to do this.

It's easy, just pretend you're
putting away a sleeping bag.

Sleeping bags don't usually
sweat this much, but okay.

Now zip me up.

Oh, if we squeeze
you any tighter,

you may turn
into a diamond.

You're right,
who am I kidding?

You should have seen me
when I was young, Sheldon.

The fellas used to line up
and bring me boxes of candy.

Why did I eat it all?!

Would you hold me?

Oh... no, you know, I'm not
really the holding kind of...

Oh!

Oh, guys, I just remembered.

I got you
some Hawking souvenirs.

What are these?

Gears and springs
from his wheelchair.

Pretty cool, huh?

Wow, that's amazing.

I made an adjustment
on the motor drive

and when I was putting it
back together

I could not for the life of me
figure out where they went.

I did it.

Had to go
to three clothing stores,

but we finally found a dress
that could envelop your mother.

I should have sent you

to the custom car cover place
in Altadena.

They have her pattern on file.

Humorous.

Now will you
please present

my paper
to Professor Hawking?

I don't know.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I did your laundry, I pee-pee-
proofed your belt buckles,

I, I even sprained

my wrist helping
your mother lift her bosom.

All right, Sheldon,

there's only one thing left
I want you to do.

Don't worry, it's an easy one.

Okay.

Give me a compliment.

Fine.

You have very tiny hands.

No... about my job.

I want you to tell me
I'm good at what I do.

You're obviously good
at what you do.

Well, then why are you
always ripping on me?

Oh, I understand
the confusion.

I have never said that you are
not good at what you do.

It's just that what you do
is not worth doing.

It's nicer than anything
he's ever said to me.

I'd take it and run.

Thank you, Sheldon.

Now will you give
my paper to Hawking?

Sorry, I can't.

What, why not?

I gave it to him three days ago.

He was really
impressed.

He wants to meet you.

All right, then.

Thank you, Howard.

Please let
Professor Hawking know

that I'm available
at his earliest convenience.

I thought he might be
a little more excited.

Give it a second.

Professor Hawking,

it's an honor and a privilege
to meet you, sir.

I know.

I want to thank you for
taking time to see me.

My pleasure.

I enjoyed reading
your paper very much.

You clearly have
a brilliant mind.

I know.

Your thesis that the Higgs boson
is a black hole

accelerating backwards
through time is fascinating.

Thank you.

It just-- it came to me
one morning in the shower.

That's nice.

Too bad it's wrong.

What do you mean wrong?

You made an arithmetic mistake
on page two.

It was quite the boner.

No, no... that
can't be right.

I-I don't make
arithmetic mistakes.

Are you saying I do?

Oh, no,

no, no, of course not.

It's just, I
was thinking...

Oh, gosh, golly,
I made a boo-boo,

and I gave it to
Stephen Hawking.

Great, another fainter.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==