The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Weekend Vortex - full transcript

Hey, want to spend
some time playing the new

Star Wars game
this weekend?

Oh, I don't know.
I kind of promised myself

I'd get off the computer,
be more physically active.

Get some exercise...

You're about to walk up
three flights of stairs.

Good point, I'm in.

You know what would be great?

Let's do it
like the old days.

You mean, are you talking
gaming marathon?

Yeah. Start Saturday morning,



go 48 hours,

sleeping bags,
junk food...

Turn off our phones
so our moms can't call.

It would be like our World Of
Warcraft a few years ago

when the neighbors
called the cops on us.

They called the cops
because of the smell.

They thought we were dead.

We were badass back in the day.

All right, let's do it.

48 hours of Star Wars gaming.

It's on like Alderaan.

Hey, Sheldon,

clear your weekend.
Starting Saturday morning,

Star Wars marathon
Whoohoo!



Movies or video games?

No, board game?

Or trading card games?

Or Lego's? Or dress up?

Or comic books?!

Or dramatic readings
of novelizations?!

Yes to all!

We are going to play
the online game.

The online game?!

Bully!

Gentlemen, as much as I'm sure
Sheldon would enjoy

playing intergalactic
make-believe,

he and I have other plans.

We are attending my Aunt Flora's
93rd birthday party.

Just tell her I can't come.

She'll be disappointed
if we don't show up.

She's 93.

She won't be disappointed
for very long.

No, hang on.
I followed all the protocols

set forth by you in the
relationship agreement.

I made a written record request
72 hours in advance.

I checked the tire pressure
on the car.

I even contacted the Centers
For Disease Control to find out

what shots they recommend
for travel to Orange County.

FYI, it's none.

Amy, the relationship
agreement was not designed

for either one of us
to get our way.

You use it to get your way.

I use it to
get the right way.

The fact that
the right way is

also my way is
a happy coincidence.

You gave me your word.

You're coming with me.

We'll miss you, Sheldon.

Yeah, well,

who wants to spend the whole
weekend, running around

a bunch of pretend planets
battling made up monsters.

That's for babies.

Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.

Yeah, please, Amy!
It's got lightsabers!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x19
The Weekend Vortex
Original Air Date on March 8, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

- Hello Stuart.
- Hey Sheldon.

Help you with anything?

Yes. I'm attending a party this
weekend, for a 93-year-old woman.

Can you recommend a gift?

Uh, I don't know.

Could put a tennis ball
on the end of Excalibur.

Make a pretty badass cane.

Do you supply the the tennis balls?
No.

Then no.

What else?

Hmm...

Oh, have this collectors edition

Batman utility belt.

Maybe she can use it as a
wearable pill caddy.

Well, she'd just look silly
wearing that

without the rest of the costume.

I'm sorry Sheldon, that's it.
That's all I got.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I've been to the
model train store.

I've been to Radio Shack.

This woman is
impossible to shop for.

I'd make fun of Sheldon
for having girl problems

if I wasn't in shock that
Sheldon has girl problems.

No, Leonard,
go ahead and mock.

Like my daddy always said,
"Shelly, women aren't anything

but flippin' pains
in the bottom."

That's what your
father used to say?

Well, I took out the
bad words and the yeehaw,

but you get the gist.

Look, if you don't want to go

to the party, just don't go.

You're a grown man.

Act like one.

Tell Amy you want to spend
the weekend having a sleepover

and playing video games
with your friends.

Maybe she'll dig it.

Women like a firm hand
on the tiller.

I can never find the tiller.

I got a book; it didn't help.

Yeah, I always thought
if I were ever enslaved,

it would be by an advanced
species from another planet,

not some hotsy-totsy
from Glendale.

Now, I downloaded an app that

might be helpful
in this situation.

You're right.

I'm smart as a whip. I should
be able to figure this out.

Hey, listen,
I kind of made plans

with the guys this weekend,
but then I wondered,

because we're in this
relationship-beta-test,

if I should have
asked you first.

Then I thought
if I did check with you first,

then you'd think that I was
taking things too seriously.

And then-en I got a nosebleed.

You don't have to check with me.

Do whatever you want.

Oh.

I guess I was hoping for a
different reaction, but okay.

Really, what were
you hoping for?

I don't know,

maybe that you'd
be a little upset,

and then you'd realize that

I'm a stallion
that has to run free.

And that would
turn you on a little.

Okay, I'm an actress.
Ask me again.

Do you mind
if I spend the weekend

playing video games
with the guys?

Wha... the entire weekend?

You mean I wouldn't
see you at all?

But I j...

No, no...

I knew what I was getting into.

You can't put a saddle
on Leonard Hofstadter.

Oh, my, is it getting hot
in here?

Ay,papi.

¿Ay papi?

What is that?

- An acting choice.
- Oh.

So you chose that when
you become turned on,

you turn into Speedy Gonzalez?

Choo got a problem
with that, papi?

Uh-uh.

Penny! Penny! Penny!

Sorry, Stallion.

Your weird friend
Giraffe is here.

Hello, Penny!

I just stopped by to
bring you this gift.

Gummy bears?
Thank you.

Now that you're
in my debt...

...please manipulate Amy
into releasing me from my

commitment to attend her
aunt's tedious birthday party.

Not a chance.

All right.

I thought the candy
might not be enough

so let me up the ante.

These are Cooper Coupons.

These are for various things
I can do for you.

Um, oh, this one

is for one free grammar check.

Uh...

You could use it for emails,
letters,

tattoos, what have you.

Um...

Oh, this is fun one!

This is an afternoon with me at
the California Science Center,

where I point out
their mistakes.

Keep an eye on
those expiration dates,

I've been burned
more than once.

All right, sweetie,
I'm not going to get involved

in your relationship.

Oh, come on.
It's just a simple favor.

Now, when's the last time
I asked you

to do something for me?

Yesterday. You made me
look in your ear

to see if there was
a ladybug in it.

When is the last time
I asked you to do something

that wasn't a medical emergency?

Yesterday. You made me
look in your ear

to see if there was
a ladybug in it.

All right, then,
I have no choice

but to go on to plan B.

What's that?

I'm going to run around outside

with a wet head and
try to catch a cold.

Good morning.

Hello.

I think you're really
going to enjoy yourself today.

Not only do you get
to meet my relatives,

but since you aunt's nursing
home is catering the party,

all of the food
is incredibly soft.

It's like a vacation
for your teeth.

All right.

You sure you're
okay with this?

Yes.

I decided to find
a way that I could

have this experience
and enjoy it.

Thank you. That
means a lot to me.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thank wireless technology.

I realized, I can go
to your aunt's awful party

and still spend the whole day
gaming with my friends.

Sheldon, my relatives are going
to want to talk to you,

and you're going to be sitting
there playing a game?

Isn't that a
little rude?

Oh, I got that covered.

Headset.

I won't hear a word
the old geezers are saying.

You know, if playing that game
is more important to you

than honoring your
commitment to me,

and you don't mind me showing up
at a party all by myself

after I've already told
everybody

I'll be bringing somebody,
then, fine.

Go home and play your game.

Thanks.

Ooh, listen,

I wouldn't mind
a piece of birthday cake,

provided the old gal's
candle blow is clean and dry.

Here you go.

I've got everything
we'll need for the big game:

lowfat turkey jerky...

low-carb beer...

100-calorie snack pack...

You pick up a Y chromosome
while you were there?

You might be short one.

Hey, I plan on leveling up
in the game,

not my swimsuit size,
thank you very much.

Gentlemen, the game
offers us a choice,

between playing for the Republic
and the light side,

or the Sith Empire
and the dark side.

Well, we're always
the good guys.

In D&D, we're lawful good,

in City Of Heroes,
we're the heroes,

and Grand Theft Auto,
we pay the prostitutes promptly,

and never hit them with a bat.

Those women are prostitutes?

You said they were raising money
for stem cell research.

Hey, guys, I got a surprise.

Uh, if it's yogurt
that helps ladies poop,

I think Raj beat you to it.

No. Bernadette's
going to be playing with us.

So, that's pretty cool, huh?
Right? Sure it is, yeah.

What, you invited
your girlfriend?!

This is supposed
to be our weekend!

I had no choice.
Last night, she said,

"Why don't we go out
for brunch tomorrow

and then maybe the Arboretum."
And I said, "Well, no,

"I promised the guys
I was going to play

a video game with them
all weekend."

And she said, "That sounds
like fun. Can I come, too?"

And then I didn't answer
for a second, and then she said,

"Well, do you not
want me to come?"

And then I bought her
a new laptop and the game,

and she's parking
the car right now.

Is the whip sound app

contextually
appropriate here?

Uh, it is, but I think
you might've waited too long

for it to be funny.

I was wrong; it's still funny.

Oh, good.

Oh.

Amy, what's wrong?

My boyfriend's a jerk.

Well, I know he didn't
cheat on you,

so what happened?

I had to go to my aunt's
party all by myself,

and everybody was like,

"Where's this boyfriend
you're always talking about?

"Is he real, or did you
make him up like Armen,

the miniature horse breeder?"

Who's Armen the
miniature horse breeder?

The pretend boyfriend I invented
to get my family off my back.

It unraveled quickly when
I couldn't answer the question

"How'd you two meet?"

I would have thought
at a miniature horse show.

- Oh, that's good.
- Mm.

I panicked and said Woodstock.

I just wanted to show Sheldon
off to my family.

Sure, I get that.

I mean, he's your first
boyfriend and all.

Not just my first boyfriend,
he's the best boyfriend.

I mean, think about it.

I'm dating Sheldon Cooper.

Yes.

On purpose.

He's handsome, he's lanky,

he's brilliant,

and his skin has that pale,
waxy quality.

Well, sickly is the new sexy.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

You know, Amy,

sometimes when you're in
a relationship with someone

you really care about,
the sucky part is,

it leaves you open
to getting hurt.

Do you ever worry about
Leonard doing that to you?

That's hilarious. No.

Get that guy!
Get that guy!

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Dr. Rostenkowski,

it may interest
you to know

that saying "pew, pew, pew"
isn't as effective

as pressing your
blaster key.

In the same way
that saying "whee!"

doesn't make the
land speeder go.

Pew!

Raj, Imperial Troopers
on your tail.

Got him.

When Gandhi advocated his
philosophy of non-violence,

I bet he didn't know how much
fun it was killing stuff.

All right, I think
we got them all.

Let's divide up the loot.

Ooh, look at this
pretty purple robe I just got.

You should put on yours
and then we'll match.

But I worked hard
to get this armor.

Sorry, I just thought
it'd be nice

if people knew
we were a couple.

Fine, I'll change.

I don't think I want
to play a game.

Oh, come on!

They're playing one
across the hall--

we should, too.

Okay, we are gonna take
turns bouncing a quarter

off the table, and if it
goes into this cup,

the other person
has to drink.

Then you get to
go again...

Like that?

Wow. Yeah, b-beginner's luck.

So, now I will drink this entire
cup of beer, and you

will go again...

Uh...

All right. So, yeah, okay,
now I'm gonna

drink this entire cup and then
I'm going to drink another one.

Okay,
seriously, stop. What the hell?

Spent a lot of my childhood

throwing coins into wishing
wells hoping for friends.

At a certain point, you
start doing trick shots

just to keep
things interesting.

Whoa, give me a second
to catch up here. Hold on.

That'd be
my boyfriend

happier playing

his dopey Star Trek game
with his friends

than hanging out with me.

- Wars.
- What?

Star Wars.

They get all cranky
when you mix the two up.

What's the difference?

There's absolutely
no difference.

How do I get him
to treat me better?

All right.

Let me give you
a little girlfriend 101.

Usually the first move
out of the gate

is you withhold sex,

but that will work better
after Sheldon hits puberty.

So, I'd say...

give him the silent treatment.

No, he loves that.
Hmm.

Our record for sitting
in a room together

and not speaking to each other
is six-and-a half hours.

He said it was
a magical evening.

All right, then we're
gonna have to go

with an oldie but goodie;

making a scene.

I don't think I'd
be good at that.

That's why you're
lucky to have me.

Back in Omaha, there are
two different restaurants

I'm not allowed into.
Both Chili's.

Bernadette, remember,
your character's

the healer in our group.

You're in charge of healing
all of us, not just Howard.

I can't help it.

My Howie Wowie
has an owie.

That is the most sickeningly
sweet thing

I have ever experienced.

And I am sipping Kool-Aid
through a Red Vine.

Sheldon Cooper, I've got
a bone to pick with you,

and I'm about to do it
in front of all your friends.

Yeah, you pick that bone.
You pick that bone clean!

I'm gonna publicly shame you,

and then sit back as societal
pressure compels you

to modify your behavior.

Ooh, buuurn!

And if you don't start
treating me better,

I'm leaving you

for a miniature horse breeder
named Armen.

Armen who?

Armen... damn it.

Look, Sheldon, she wanted
to show you off to her family,

and you stood her up, okay?

Look at this adorable,
smushy face.

Smush, smush, smush.

You're hurting me.

No, Sheldon hurt you.

Before; now it's you.

Oh.

I think I understand.

You're the one person

who can say Sheldon Cooper
is your boyfriend,

but that rings hollow
if you can't lord him

over others in the flesh.

I forget what
I bring

to the party
and what I take away

when I leave.

Please accept these valuable
Cooper Coupons...

...as restitution.

Sheldon, she doesn't
want your stupid...

Ooh, Science Center.
Redeeming.

Let's go.

Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler.

Let me get my coat.

Oh, grow up, Leonard.

But e-excuse me,

I have something to say.

None of you may realize it,
but I was very much

looking forward to this weekend.

It was gonna be like

the old days-- the four of us
hanging out

playing video games
before you guys

all got girlfriends.

Do you have any idea
what it's like

to be the only one
without a girlfriend?

Even if I get one someday,

I'll still be the guy
who got a girl

after Sheldon Cooper!

And that's how
a girl makes a scene.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

You're right.
You deserve your weekend.

Come on, Amy,
let's go.

What about the
Science Center?

I'll let you hold my hair
while I throw up.

Rain check.

I'm gonna go, too.

- I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you.

- I'll miss you more.
- No, I'll...

Just leave!

Okay, now.

This is the way
it's supposed to be.

Men together,
fighting the forces of evil.

Hear! Hear!

I can't believe
this is only 64 calories.

Howard Joel Wolowitz!

I've been worried sick
for two days,

and I know you turned
off your phone!

You open up this door right now

because I've had it
up to here!

I have been to the morgue
and the hospital,

and I spent the last
half hour

walking up these
ferkakta stairs!

That's my ride; got to go.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==