The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Vacation Solution - full transcript

Gentlemen, I think I've come up
with a fun way...

...to get young people
interested in science.

Physics Mad Libs.

Now, give me a number.

- Five.
- Uh-huh.

And an irrational constant.

E.

And a funny Greek letter.

- Gamma.
- I said funny.

- Upsilon?
- Heh, good one.

And an electrical charge.



- Positive.
- Ha, ha! Perfect.

Okay, get this. Ahem.

"Professor Jones
told the symposium...

...he had a new method
for calculating the mass of a muon.

Five times the limit of, heh...

...e to the upsilon as it approaches..."

Ha, ha, oh, my gosh. Okay.

Okay, no, no. Ahem.

I'll start over.

"Professor Jo..."

I haven't seen him laugh that hard...

...since the day Leonard
made that multiplication error.

Oh, Lord, that multiplication error.

He thought he carried the one,
but he didn't.



It's not funny.
That mistake got published.

Stop, I'm gonna wet myself.

Guys. Guys, President Seibert
is headed this way.

- I wonder what he wants.
- He doesn't look happy.

I'm guessing he wants Sheldon.

- Dr. Cooper.
- Told you.

Ah, President Seibert.

I assume you'd like to respond...

...to one of the suggestions
I put in the box by your office.

No, and stop installing
suggestion boxes everywhere.

You don't like written suggestions.

You don't like when I give them
to you while in the men's room.

If I didn't know any better,
I'd say you're one of those people...

...who are not open to suggestions.

Dr. Cooper, the Physics Department
tells me you're refusing to take vacation.

- I don't need a vacation.
- You're obligated to take one.

And I'd like you to know
the most often received suggestion...

...in my suggestion box you installed
without asking me is:

"Can Dr. Cooper take a vacation?"

Okay, it's settled, then. I'll see you all
on Monday. Except for you.

But if I don't come into work,
what am I supposed to do?

Read, rest, travel.

I hear Afghanistan is nice
this time of year.

Sarcasm?

No, you should go.

Tonight's gonna be a good night

And tonight's gonna be a good night

And tonight's gonna be a good, good night

Tonight's the night, uh, uh
Let's live it up, uh

I got my money
Let's spend it up...

Good Lord.

Would you stop that caterwauling?

What the hell are you doing?

Bleeding from my ears.

- What are you doing hiding back there?
- I'm sneaking into work.

Now, if the guard at the university
asks what's under the blanket...

...you tell him it's some lobster traps.

- Lobster traps?
- Yes.

That's how Velma and Scooby smuggled
Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

What are you gonna do
when you get to the university?

People are gonna recognize you.

Will they, Leonard?

Fine. Just get back under your blanket
and I'll drive you there.

And no more singing.

Fine.

I have GPS on my phone.
I know you turned around.

I'm so glad you talked Howard...

...out of having your wedding invitations
in Klingon.

Turn it over.

I'm hoping my relatives
think it's Hebrew.

This is really happening.

I'm gonna be a maid of honor.

'I'm gonna wear a beautiful dress
and walk down that aisle...

...and finally,
I will have my special day.

You mean my special day.

They're gonna need an extra-large veil
for somebody's head.

- If I actually ever get married.
- Why wouldn't you?

My dad. Because I make
a lot more money than Howie...

...he's putting a lot of pressure on me
to get a prenup.

- Ouch!
- Yeah.

- Howie's gonna freak out.
- Parental pressure can be daunting.

I remember the battle with my mother
about shaving my legs.

Last year, I finally gave in
and let her do it.

I just don't know
how I'm gonna break it to him.

I'm a believer in breaking bad news
to a guy when you're in bed.

That's how I told my high school
boyfriend I slept with his brother.

That's how I told his brother
the same thing.

I don't know.
I don't wanna manipulate him with sex.

Oh, sweetie, that's what sex is for.

The connection between marriage
and money is nothing new.

The term "wed" referred
to the money and livestock...

...the groom paid the bride's father.

For example, you're adorable,
intelligent and a good earner.

I could conservatively see you going
for at least two oxen and a goose.

You would fetch a unicorn.

Sheldon, there are a million
great vacations you could take.

What about Hawaii?

Hawaii is a former leper colony
on top of an active volcano...

...where the disappointing ending
to Lost was filmed.

Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.

How about Florida?

They got Cape Canaveral,
they got Disney.

They got my Aunt Ida and the world's
largest collection of diabetic candy.

And plus, if you get sweaty enough...

...her plastic-covered furniture
is like a flume ride.

My family took a trip to Florida
when I was a child.

A seagull stole a hot dog from me
on the beach.

I got the message.

If I had a week off...

...I'd go back to the Two Bunch Palms
Resort and Spa in the desert.

I tell you, an hour on the massage table
with Trevor...

...and you'll feel like you were born
without bones.

I don't think I could ever let a guy
give me a massage.

Really? What was I doing to your neck
last night while you were playing Xbox?

Guys, I am living in a dictatorship.

"You must take a vacation.
You must have fun. You must enjoy life."

I don't think you have a good handle
on dictatorships.

Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.

One time, they tried
to make Richard Feynman take a vacation.

But he chose instead to expand his mind
and learn something new.

He went to work
in his friend's biology lab.

Richard Feynman
was a famous American physicist...

...part of the Manhattan Project.

Everyone in the world of science
knows who Richard Feynman was.

Yeah, now you do too.

Oh. I have a brilliant idea.
Amy's a biologist. I'll go work in her lab.

Isn't that just Feynman's idea?

Ten seconds ago you never heard
of him, now you're an expert.

- Hey.
- Hey, you.

That your laundry?
You have six things in there.

I didn't have any quarters.

So I've been sneaking stuff
into other people's loads all day.

If I tell you something,
you promise not to tell anybody?

Doesn't matter what I say,
you're gonna tell me anyway.

Wha...? That is not true.

Bernadette wants a prenup.

Wow.

That's rough.

If I became a famous movie star
and we got married...

- ...you wouldn't sign a prenup?
- Heh, absolutely not.

If I'm gonna be at home
with the kids...

...while you're on location
cheating on me with Ryan Gosling...

...then Leonard gots to get paid.

So do you think about us
getting married?

I think about a lot of things.

I think about us getting married,
about us breaking up.

Once in a while, I think about how I didn't
leave a note on that Mercedes I dinged...

...but then I have a glass of wine
and it passes.

Joke all you want,
but you think about it.

Well, tell you one thing, if I ever do
get married, no Klingon invitations.

Good luck catching a man
with that attitude.

Boy, oh, boy, this vacation
is off to a wonderful start.

The smell of formaldehyde.

The whir of the centrifuge.

The distant chatter of lab animals
being dispatched for dissection.

Mm, I can already feel my cares
just melting away.

I'm excited to work with my boyfriend.
It's romantic.

Way to kill the mood.

Come on, Sheldon. We can be like
Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre...

...who spent their days
working side by side...

...bathed in the glow of their love
and the radium that ultimately killed her.

Screw Beauty and the Beast,
that's the love story Disney should tell.

Okay. What do we start with?

Maybe, uh, splicing some genes.
Clone a sheep.

Perhaps, uh, grow a human ear
on a mouse's back?

"Ha, ha! I'm a freak."

Well, I'm gonna be doing
some brain stem histology...

...while you put yourself
on the business end of a sponge...

...and wash those beakers.

Wash those b... Oh, I get it.

Little hazing for the new fellow. Yeah.
Better keep an eye out for, what...

...shoe polish on the microscope...

...or mad cow disease
in my grilled cheese sandwich?

No, I just need those beakers washed.
Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.

Excuse me, you have
Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab.

You're gonna make him
do the dishes?

That's like asking the incredible Hulk
to open a pickle jar.

Sheldon, you've never worked in a lab
like this before.

You have no experience
in the field of biology.

I have plenty of experience in biology.

I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998...

...and it's still alive. Let's do this.

Where's Howard?

No, "Hi, Raj," no, "How are you, Raj?"

Just straight to,
"Where's the other white guy?"

I'm sorry.

So, listen, I heard something about him.
Can you keep it between us?

Ooh, gossip. When I first got here...

...I thought Americans really gossiped
around the water cooler.

I hung out there for a month,
but the only gossip I heard...

...was about some creepy guy
hanging out by the water cooler.

Bernadette wants to get a prenup.

Oh, that's a shame.
He's gonna be devastated.

I never know what to do
in these situations.

- Should I give him a heads up?
- Hmm.

I'm gonna give you the advice
I yell at the TV...

...when the Bachelor
is handing out roses.

Follow your heart.

Check it out.

Look at the size of that
Rice Krispie Treat. Same price, ha, ha.

Ahem, hey, Howard,
I need to tell you something.

I know, it's not on my wedding diet.
I don't care.

No. Listen, I heard that Bernadette's thinking
about asking you for a prenup.

A prenup?

Heh, wow.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Follow your heart.

You know what?
It's not a big deal.

I mean,
she makes more money than me.

She wants to protect
her financial interests.

- It's completely reasonable.
- Good, that's a healthy attitude.

Actually, it's good for both of us.
I have assets to protect too.

Like what?

Well, I've got some rare comic books.

You know,
the Vespa's almost paid off.

Ma and I have a primo
double cemetery plot at Mt. Sinai...

...right near the guy who played
Mr. Roper on Three's Company.

Mr. Roper's dead?

You can't just spring that on a guy.

Here you go.

This is now the only lab with glassware
washed by a man with two doctorates...

...and a restraining order
signed by Carl Sagan.

Soap spots. Wash them again.

You're being ridiculous.
Those are perfectly clean.

This beaker used to contain
cerebrospinal fluid...

...from an elephant
that died of syphilis.

If it's, in fact, perfectly clean,
drink from it.

Biologists are mean.

Perhaps this task
will be a little bit more up your alley.

I need you to count the bacteria spores
on these petri dishes.

There was something wrong
with that detergent.

- That was way too bubbly.
- I'm sure it was.

I intend to write that soap company
a strongly-worded letter.

Yeah, good for you.
Now start counting.

You know what this place needs?

A suggestion box.

Three hundred sixty-six.
Three hundred sixty-seven.

How's it going?

How's counting going?

When I was in kindergarten...

...I recited pi to a thousand places
for the school talent show.

- I think I got this.
- Great.

Aw, nuts.

One.

This is preposterous.

You're giving me these tasks
because you're afraid...

...if you give me anything meaningful
to do, I'll show you up.

Really? Is that what you think?

Yes, that's what I think.

And I'm super smart,
so it's probably true.

Hey, I've been training in the field
of neurobiology for 12 years.

You've been here three hours and
you spent one of them in the bathroom.

Well, I'm sorry, it takes me a while to get
things going on an unfamiliar toilet.

I've given you the simplest things to do
and you haven't done one of them right.

That's because
I'm not being challenged.

It's the same reason
Einstein failed math.

Maybe the math
was too bubbly for him.

You think you're doing science
by cutting up that brain?

They could do the same at Quiznos.

And they'd offer to toast it for me too.

Okay, smart guy.

I'm about to remove the locus coeruleus,
which is incredibly delicate work.

Have at it.

All right.

I'm no stranger to a little gray matter.

Locus coeruleus.

You're getting warmer.
It is indeed in the brain.

Hope your hands are steady.
It's the width of a single hair.

But this is just biology,
so it's no problem for a genius like you.

It's not. I will have you know
in the field of physics we work...

...with particles so small they make
fat jokes about the locus coeruleus...

...i.e., when your locus coeruleus
sits around the house...

...it sits around the house.

Oh.

- Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
- No.

What you see
is a man trembling with confidence.

Does the locus coeruleus
normally bleed that much?

No, but your thumb does.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, you're a biologist.

What are you doing here?

I'm on vacation.

Social convention dictates that I let
my hair down at a local watering hole.

Social convention is stupid.

What happened to your thumb?

Yeah, I have ten fingers
and ten toes.

If I tell you a story about each of them,
we'll be here all day. Let's move on.

- What can I get you?
- Ah.

Seeing as I'm on vacation,
a piña colada seems appropriate.

Extra pineapple slices,
extra whipped cream...

...extra cherries, extra umbrellas,
and, uh, hold the rum.

Don't let me have too many of those.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

We're grown men.
We drink at bars, heh.

No and no.

Everything okay
with you and Bernadette?

Oh, yeah, sure.

- You and Amy? Good?
- Oh, better than good.

Those girls text me every detail
of their lives as it happens.

I'm not signing a prenup.

All right, Wolowitz, listen up. You
sign anything she puts in front of you.

You are the luckiest man alive.

If you let her go, there is no way
you can find anyone else.

Speaking on behalf of all women, it
is not gonna happen, we had a meeting.

And you.

A grown man fainting at the sight
of a little blood.

Excuse me,
this is a fairly substantial wound. You...

Amy. Amy.

Amy.

What do you want?

I was kind of hoping I could continue
vacationing in your laboratory.

After all, I did book the whole week.

Do you honestly think
you can just waltz back in here...

...after the way you behaved
yesterday?

I was not myself.
I had lost a lot of thumb blood.

- That's not an apology.
- That is your opinion.

I want a real apology.

- I'm sorry that you weren't able to...
- No.

- That my genius got...
- No.

- That the soap was so...
- Sheldon.

Fine.

Sorry.

You're forgiven.

Now, if you wanna stay...

...get started on those beakers.
They're still dirty from yesterday.

Next year, I'm going to Epcot.

Are you mad at me?

No. I'm not mad at you.

I just wish you would've come to me...

...so I didn't have to hear it
through the nerd-vine.

So, what are we gonna do?

- You really want me to sign a prenup?
- I don't know.

My dad's pretty insistent on it,
though.

Why don't I talk to your dad?

- Man to man.
- Really?

- Oh, that'd be so great. Heh.
- Done.

I should probably give you a heads up
about a couple things.

Even though he's retired from
the police force, he still carries his gun.

But don't worry, he won't shoot it.
It's more of a fashion statement.

Okay, heh.

And just to be safe,
when you talk to him...

...don't bring up Jimmy Carter,
gardeners...

...foreign people, homosexuals,
Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control...

...organic food,
the designated hitter rule...

...recycling
or the fact that you're Jewish.

Got it, got it.
Will you e-mail me that list, heh?

So the thing to watch for,
if he's shouting at you, you're okay.

But if he starts to get real quiet...

...leave as quickly as you can
without making eye contact.

Not in a straight line,
throw some zigs and zags in there.

You know, this isn't that pressing.

Why don't I talk to him about it
in May, heh?

In May you're gonna be on
the International Space Station.

They got a phone.