The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver - full transcript

Completely empty box,
if you'd like to examine it.

Mm-hm.

Yep. I see nothing in this box
but a wasted childhood.

Little snarky there, cello lessons.

We have this completely ordinary
cylinder if you'd like to examine it.

Ordinary, yet I sense it
is dripping with magical potential.

Oh, dear Lord.

A man pops out for a moment
to evacuate his bowels...

...and catch up on the adventures
of the Caped Crusader only to emerge...

...and discover his apartment has been
transformed into a cabaret.

Sheldon, he's practicing
for his cousin's birthday party.



As I was saying,
empty box, empty cylinder, and...

Ooh!

Voila.

I'm telling you, there's a seat on the
Hogwart's Express with your name on it.

This is how you're going to entertain
your little cousin and his friends?

- By lying to them?
- How is this lying?

A magic show is an inherently
deceitful proposition.

"This is an ordinary top hat."
"You've chosen that card freely."

"I do not have a set
of lock picks lodged in my keister."

Can't you just enjoy the wonder?

Why must you peek
behind the curtain, or up the butt?

If we poison the critical thinking
faculties of children...

...by telling them
rabbits come out of hats...

...then we create adults who believe
in astrology and homeopathy...



...and Ryan Reynolds was a
better choice for Green Lantern...

...than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.

He's just gonna do
a few magic tricks for some kids.

I really don't think they're gonna
end up liking the Green Lantern movie.

Don't be so hard on him, it's natural
to be a little cranky when you have...

...a quarter in your ear.

Coins lodged in body parts
is not a source of amusement.

When I was five, Billy Sparks
put a Mexican peso up my nose.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- How is that not amusing?
- It's still there.

It takes me 45 minutes
to get through airport security.

Look. I made Sheldon disappear.
Ta-da!

Next time you should open with that.

Ooh! Look who's out on a date. Pasadena's
favorite power couple, Shamy.

And that is the answer
to the question:

"What is wrong with
eating at the Cheesecake Factory?"

So are we celebrating
anything special tonight?

Oh, yes.

Our relationship agreement specifies
the second Thursday of every month...

...or the third Thursday in a month
with five Thursdays is date night.

That is so hot.

All right, without objection,
the minutes of the previous date...

...are considered read
and agreed to. Any new business?

- How was your day?
- Superb.

This morning I made
a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits.

"Nice Hat, Bob Tahecin."

Sounds like you hit the ground running.

I have a bit of good news myself.

My most recent paper on how
cooperative long-term potentiation...

...can map memory sequences
in dendritic branches...

...made the cover of Neuron.

Ooh! Peaking of good news,
somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.

That's nice. Anyway, I've been
dreaming of this day for a long time.

Yeah, me too. Triple digits.
I'm not gonna lie, feels pretty good.

I'm the sole author on a paper
being published...

...in a distinguished journal that
may change the course of my field.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Ooh!

One-oh-one!
Air's getting a bit thin up here.

So are we ready to order?

Give me a minute.
I'm gonna go wash up.

Well, that's odd.
We both washed up when we came in.

It's probably a euphemism
for urination.

- Sheldon, what is wrong with you?
- Not much.

Although I can be faulted
for being overly fond of koala bears.

I don't know what it is, when they start
munching on eucalyptus, I melt inside.

Okay. Amy told you some exciting news
and you acted like it was no big deal.

Oh! I see why you're confused. No.

Her news sounded important,
but what you're forgetting is...

...it was an achievement
in the field of biology.

That's all about yucky squishy things.

All right, honey, she's upset.
You're her boyfriend.

You have to at least try to be excited
by the things she's excited by.

- What if they simply don't excite me?
- Well, just smile and think about koalas.

She'd see right through that.
We go to the zoo all the time.

She knows my koala face.

And for future reference, it's this.

Wow, you have a lot of magic stuff.

Yeah, started when I was a teenager.

Thought I could show a girl a few tricks
and invite her up to my bedroom...

...to see the rest of the act.

- Did it work?
- Let's just say...

...the only wand that ever saw any action
was this one.

Oh! Look what my mom
made us for the act.

Ooh! I like the fabric.
Where'd she get it?

Well, she cut up
one of her old bathing suits.

She made these two vests
and half a dozen napkins.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Has she tried on the vest yet?

[YELLING]: L just gave it to her.
- I hope it fits.

She has a tricky figure.
She's short and stacked like me.

She's not stacked like you, Ma.
She never steps on hers.

Listen, Howie. Maybe I'm not the
best choice to be a magician's assistant.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
You'll do fine. Hand me those rings?

See? You nailed it.

No, it's just that I'm not
that comfortable with little kids.

That's because you
haven't been around them.

This is good practice. I mean, you are
gonna be a mom someday, right?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, ho, ho!

I haven't seen this trick in years.

It's called the dove pan. You let
everyone see the pan is empty...

...but there's a secret
compartment in the lid.

And then you open it
and produce a live...

[GAGS]

[COUGHING]

Don't look in there.

[SPURS JANGLING ON TV]

Oh, a little "Red Dead Redemption," huh?

- Yes.
- How come you're not doing a mission?

You're just wandering around.

I had a rough night, thought I'd
go for a walk and clear my head.

Some people
go outside and do that.

It's after 9:00.
At this hour, the streets of Pasadena...

...are teeming with
drunken sailors and alley cats.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, I think I'll just go in this
saloon and drink my troubles away.

You know digital alcohol
is never a solution.

What's going on?

Hard as this may be to believe...

...it's possible that I'm
not boyfriend material.

Glad I was sitting down for that.

Did you and Amy get in a fight?

Amy had a fight.
I was being perfectly reasonable.

I'm gonna have a whiskey.
Want anything?

No, I can't.
I'm playing "Grand Theft Auto" later.

- Look, I'm no expert in women...
- I'll say.

Not necessary when
someone's trying to help you.

Sorry, it's the alcohol talking.
Go on.

Sometimes with women
you wanna listen to what upsets them...

...and show them that you
can grow and change.

Nuts to that. What else you got?

I don't know what to tell you.
Buy her something.

How does that work?

Well, you skip over any attempt
to repair your emotional connection...

...and you win back her affection
with an empty financial gesture.

Well, that approach has
Sheldon Cooper written all over it.

- Glad I could help.
- It's appreciated.

If you manage to find a woman again,
I'll be glad to return the favor.

And now, all the rings
are magically linked together.

My fianc?e's wearing a magic ring too.
It made all my money disappear.

Oh, oh, right.

[RIMSHOT]

And now, the Great Howdini's
next miraculous illusion.

When are we gonna have cake?

After you've been thoroughly amazed.

But we want cake now.

Well, you're not getting
cake right now, capiche?

Heh, heh, okay, okay.

Now my lovely assistant
is going to bring me...

- ...an ordinary pitcher of milk.
- I know how you do that trick.

Do you know how to pipe down?

Okay, we're going to
roll up this newspaper.

- It's a fake pitcher.
- You got wax in your ears?

The man said it's an ordinary pitcher.

Howdini?

Okay. We're going to stick this
in here.

And then I'm going to pour in
the milk.

Ha, ha, I hope this works because
I didn't bring a change of pants.

Look, I Googled it.
It's a fake pitcher.

That's it. No cake for you.
Anyone else wanna join the No Cake Club?

She's just kidding, boys and girls.
Everyone gets cake.

[WHISPERS]:
Not him.

Just give me the pitcher.

Behold.

Wrong pitcher.

[SIGHS]

I told you I'm not good with kids.

Yes, you did.

I think my crotch is starting to curdle.

The thing is,
my mother worked full-time.

I had to take care of
my brothers and sisters.

- Yeah, so?
- Uh, it was horrible.

With their snotty noses
and their poopy diapers...

...and their little shrieky voices,
always complaining.

"I don't wanna get dressed."
"Joey keeps spitting in my mouth."

"This isn't the way Mom
makes waffles."

Well, okay, put your hand in here.
Let's see how you like this waffle.

All right, settle down.
Red light. Red light.

Red light. Okay, we're fine.

I'm sorry. I know it makes me
sound like a bad person...

- ...but I just don't like children.
- Yeah, no, we all got that.

But don't you think it'll be
different when the child is ours?

Right. When it's our kid that's ruined
my body, kept me up all night...

...and I've got no career, no future,
nothing to be happy about for 20 years.

Sure, that'll be completely different.

Well, yeah.

I don't think there's anything
in this jewelry store...

...that Amy would appreciate more than
the humidifier we're looking at at Sears.

Oh, my God. Now I know what I sound
like to you when I say stupid stuff.

Ooh! A pocket watch.

I don't think Amy
wants a pocket watch.

No, but maybe she wants
a man with a pocket watch.

Still saying stupid stuff.

- Does she like bracelets?
- Well, she's very fond of her silver one...

...that says "allergic to penicillin."

Maybe they have
a dressier version of that.

How are we doing this afternoon?
Looking for anything special?

Perhaps a ring for the lady?

[SNORTS]

Trust me, we are not a couple.

Excuse me. I don't see why
you get to snort derisively...

...and point that out.
You'd be lucky to land a fellow like me.

Fine. Go ahead.

[SNORTS]

Trust me, we are not a couple.

My apologies.
How can I help you today?

He's in trouble with his girlfriend,
needs a present.

Great. Trouble with girlfriends is what's
putting my daughter through U.S.C.

Ooh!

- Are those real diamonds?
- Yes.

Channel-set baguettes,
20 points total weight.

Remarkable. Diamonds.
Crystallized carbon.

Every day, people go to the grocery
store and come home with sacks...

...full of carbon in the form
of charcoal briquettes...

...they toss in their barbecues
and set on fire.

But just because you've got some
carbon with the atoms stacked neatly...

...you expect me to plunk down
thousands of dollars.

Actually, that's only 750.
Everything's on sale.

Really? Talk to me
about that pocket watch.

I'm still trying to wrap
my mind around it.

I always thought
I'd be a dad someday.

Me too. You're so caring.

I've often pictured you guiding
a young boy into manhood.

There you go, Howard. Sounds like Raj'll
have your babies. Problem solved.

Because a man
shows caring for another man...

...doesn't mean he's displaying the love
that dare not speak its name.

Did she say she didn't want kids?

Yeah. She doesn't like them.

And from what I saw,
the feeling was mutual.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I can't see a life where I don't have kids.
I mean, people have kids.

I mean, even Donkey Kong
had Donkey Kong Jr.

So he could teach someone
how to kidnap princesses...

...and throw barrels
at Italian plumbers.

You know, there's no guarantee even if
you have kids you're gonna like them.

Wow, that's rough.
Where'd you get that?

It's right off the dust jacket
of my mom's last book.

Maybe me and Bernadette
aren't right for each other.

Look, Howard, I'd say
there's a lot of fish in the sea...

...but I watched you dangle your hook
for years.

Do not throw her back.

I don't want to,
but this is kind of a deal breaker.

What will your mom say
if you call off the wedding?

Heh, it'll kill her.
If I don't give her grandchildren...

...that'll kill her too. So either way
on the Mom front, I'm golden.

- What time did you tell Amy to be here?
- Eight o'clock.

- That pocket watch is ridiculous.
- Nonsense.

I look like a train conductor.

Under what pretext
did you lure her here?

I said, "Hey, wanna come
over and hang out?"

Good, good. If you'd said something clever,
she might've gotten suspicious.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What's he doing here?
- Okay, he wants to talk to you.

Well, I don't wanna talk to him.
And I'm pretty disappointed in you too.

Although we both know
that won't last.

- Sheldon, you're up.
- Thank you.

Amy, I'd like to apologize.

Your accomplishment was impressive,
and I'm proud of you.

- We both know that's your koala face.
- I told you.

Okay, look. He bought you this.

Jewelry? Seriously?

Sheldon, you are the most shallow,
self-centered person I have ever met.

You think another
transparently manipulative...

Oh, it's a tiara!

A tiara. I have a tiara. Put it on me,
put it on me, put it on me...

...put it on me, put it on me,
put it on me.

You look beautiful.

Of course I do.
I'm a princess and this is my tiara.

You were right.
The tiara was too much.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Howard, Bernadette's...

Oh. She slipped right by me.

- Here's your vest back.
- You should keep it.

- You could wear it again sometime.
- Where?

I don't know, hunting?

Don't forget to talk to her
about this meshugas...

...where I don't get grandkids.

[YELLING]: Don't worry, Ma, I will,
as soon as I can figure out...

...a way to bring up
such a sensitive issue.

- Guess you talked to your mom.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]: L was upset.

My mom can be
a pretty good shoulder to cry on...

...if the smell of Bengay
doesn't burn your eyes.

Look, it's obvious having kids
is really important to you...

...and I think I came up
with a solution.

Really? That's great. What?

Well, seeing as how I make
way more money than you anyway...

...what if I work
and you stay home with the kids?

- Me?
- Yeah.

You know, you'll watch Barney
and pull Cheerios out of their noses...

...and go on play dates and I'll work
and have conversations...

...with people my own age
and enjoy my life.

- Yeah.
- Yay! So we're good.

Yeah, we're good.

I don't know if this counted as a fight...

...but how about some make-up sex?

I would love that.
But what is that behind your ear?

Oh, look, it's a condom.

[English - US - SDH]