The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Speckerman Recurrence - full transcript

Hi. Did Sheldon change
the Wi-Fi password again?

Yeah, it's
"Penny already eats our food.

She can pay for Wi-Fi."

No spaces.

Okay.

If you can't get me
to stop eating your food,

what makes you think you can
get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?

I believe that you're capable
of great change.

Like when I finally got you
to stop saying "Valentimes Day""

You want to hear
something weird?

Sure.



In the year 2000,

Pope John Paul II was named
an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

What are you talking about?

You asked Penny if she wanted
to hear something weird.

Yeah, because I have
something weird to tell her.

Oh.

I thought it was a game.

What's yours?

There's this guy,
Jimmy Speckerman,

who used to torment me
in high school.

He sent me a message
through Facebook.

He's in town
and wants to have drinks.

Okay, Penny, if it were a game,
here are your choices.

An e-mail
from an old acquaintance,



or the head of one of the
largest religious institutions

in the world slam dunking
to "Sweet Georgia Brown." Pick.

Just do it,
'cause he's not gonna let it go.

Basketball Pope.

And that's how it's done.

What are you gonna do
about your bully?

- Are you gonna see him?
- I don't know.

Is this the fellow who peed
in your Hawaiian Punch?

No, that was a different guy.

Was he the one
who wedgied you so hard,

your testicle reascended,

and you spent
your whole Christmas break

waiting for it
to come back down?

No, that was
a different, different guy.

Was he the one who used
your head to open a nut?

No.

Oh, oh, oh.

Was he the one
who made you eat your arm hair?

No, but, actually,

that was this guy's sister.

All right, well,
what do you think he wants?

I don't know.

You know, the holidays
are just around the corner.

Maybe he wants to see

if he can lodge
the other testicle up there.

I told you.
That was a different guy.

Hmm. That's too bad.
We could have spent

New Year's Eve waiting
for the ball to drop.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x11
The Speckerman Recurrence
Original Air Date on December 8, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

It's 2:00 a.m.
What are you doing up?

Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony
streaming live from Stockholm.

Sure. You want to see

what all the scientists
are wearing this year.

Look at these men.

They've managed to win the top
science prize in the world

with no more understanding
of the quantum underpinnings

of the expansion
of the early universe

than God gave a goose.

You should pay attention,
Leonard.

Someday this could be you
up there.

Thanks.

So,

what's got you up?

Did you have a bad clam?

I didn't have clams.

I don't watch you
24 hours a day.

I don't know what you do.

It's this Jimmy Speckerman
thing.

I can't decide if I should
agree to see him or not.

Of course that might be

because the last time
I ran into him,

he made me floss
with my own shoelaces.

Wear loafers.

Look at Dr. Saul
Perlmutter up there,

clutching that Nobel Prize.

What's the matter, Saul?

You afraid someone's
going to steal it?

Like you stole Einstein's
cosmological constant?

You know what?

I am tired of living
in fear of this guy.

I'm gonna go see
him and finally say

all the things I should
have said in high school.

You know, "Pick on
someone your own size""

"You did not have sex
with my mother."

And "Yes, I do know why
I'm hitting myself."

Oh, now Perlmutter's
shaking the king's hand.

Yeah, check for your watch,
Gustaf.

He might have lifted it.

I love this dress.

How come I never
see you wear it?

'Cause when I wear it,
it's a shirt.

So, what's Howard
doing tonight?

Oh, they all went with Leonard
to confront his childhood bully.

Oh, terrific.

High school quarterback
against four mathletes.

When Leonard gets back,

I'd love to check
his serotonin levels.

Do you think he'd let me draw
a syringe full of his blood?

Hmm, he's not crazy
about needles,

but if you get him to go
jogging,

it'll just pour out of his nose.

I don't think

I can meet the girl
who was always mean to me.

Tammy Bodnick.

One time
while I was in gym class,

she stole all my clothes

and left an elf costume
in my locker.

Oh, that's awful.

Worst part was, it was too big.

That's nothing.

In ninth grade, the girls put
Rogaine in my hand lotion.

Within six months, the
nicknames began to fly.

I think the one that hurt the
most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.

Wow. You poor thing.

What about you?
Oh.

I don't know. I guess
my school was a nice place.

We didn't really have bullies.

Come on, no one ever
gave anyone mean nicknames

or picked on them or put gum
in their hairy knuckles

so the school nurse had to use
peanut butter to get it out?

No, we weren't really like that.

I mean, look, we played pranks
on each other,

but it was never mean.

Like, okay,
this one girl, Kathy Geiger,

got really good grades,
so we blindfolded her,

tied her up and left her
in a cornfield overnight.

Oh, my God,
that's awful.

No, it was funny.
Everyone laughed.

Did Kathy
Geiger laugh?

Uh, probably.
It's hard to say.

She kind of had an ear
of corn in her mouth.

Who would have thought

Fuzzy Fingers Fowler
is best friends with a bully?

What? I was not a bully.

Kind of sounds like you were.

And maybe a felon.

Shh. That's how you
wind up in a cornfield.

Is that him over there?

No.

How about that guy?

He looks like he'd hate you.

You know, I can really do this
by myself.

Hey, we're here
to support you, buddy.

No, you're not.
You're here to see

if I get my underwear
pulled over my head.

You wore underwear? You fool.

So, have you figured out what
you're going to say to him?

You bet. I am going to
make him apologize

for all the crap
he pulled on me in school.

That's quite a list.

I can't read your handwriting.

What's that word?

"Scrotum."

What's that one?

Uh, "stapled."

Leonard.

Oh, hi.

Holy crap, man,
it's good to see you.

Yeah. You, too.
Uh, Jimmy, this is

Sheldon and Raj and Howard.

Hi. Fellas... Hey,
can I get a beer?

Wow. Look at you.

Little Leonard Hofstadter.

I hear
you're a big-time scientist now.

And there's the first
zinger. Ouch.

I'm doing okay, I guess.

Okay? Come on, I read online

you're a physicist
at a university,

you won some medal.

The Newcomb medal.

Yeah, congratulations.

Congratulations?

The Newcomb medal?
Oh, please.

That's the scientific equivalent

of a smiley face sticker
on your homework.

From what I read,
it sounded like a big deal.

Oh, good Lord,
are we going to stand here

and listen to him
tear Leonard apart like this?

Hey, I won a Newcomb medal, too.

My point.

You should have seen this guy
back in the day.

Huh? He was so little, he could
fit in just about anywhere.

Lockers, trash cans.

Oh, man, how did you get
inside that backpack?

Oh, I can't take all the credit.

You helped a lot.
Yeah.

We were practically
a comedy team.

Like the Black Death
and Europe.

Jimmy, I'm kind of curious why
you wanted to see me.

Okay, here it is.

I have this great
money-making idea.

I just need a gear head
to get it to the finish line.

Technically, Howard's the
gear head.

Leonard's just a dime store
laser jockey.

What's the idea?

This is just between us, right?

- Right.
- Okay.

What do you think
about a pair of glasses

that makes any movie
you want into 3D?

That sounds amazing.

First movie I'm
watching-- Annie.

How exactly would
these glasses work?

How the hell should I know?
That's why I need a nerd.

I don't think something like
that's even possible.

Aw, come on, you can
figure it out.

You're like the smartest
guy I've ever known.

The smartest...?!

All right, you know,
I may not have

a firm grasp on sarcasm, but
even I know that was a doozy.

Leonard, you can't live in
fear of this man forever.

Sheldon, I got this.

You clearly don't.

What my spineless friend
lacks the courage to say

is you're a
terrible person

who took advantage

of his tiny size,
his uncoordinated nature

and his congenital
lack of masculinity.

Sheldon...

Leonard, I platonically
love you, man,

but face it, you're a mess.

I don't understand.

I think what he's trying to say
is that maybe in high school

you picked on me a little bit.

A little bit?

The man Super Glued Hershey's
Kisses to your nipples.

That's funny because those
aren't the kind of kisses

you want on your nipples.

What is that?

This is a list of your heinous
acts against Leonard.

One of which is certainly the
cause of him wetting his bed

well into his teens.

14 is not... Aw, never mind.

What's this word?

"Nancy."

You called me Nancy
for three years.

You really need to work
on your penmanship.

Oh, man, I...

I don't know what to say.

I always thought we were
just having some fun.

It wasn't fun for me.

You're being too kind, Leonard.

You ruined him.

Come on, guys.

That was pretty badass, dude.

I help the weak.

It's yet another way I'm
exactly like Batman.

Hey, for the record, Jimmy
wasn't the reason I wet the bed.

That one has my mother
written all over it.

Anyway, I'm really sorry

I made fun of your
stutter in high school.

You're doing great.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh, God, just
finish the sentence.

Okay, well, I'm sorry
you feel that way. Bye.

No one wants to hear
my apologies.

I think your mistake is doing it
over the phone.

If they could look
into your eyes, they'd melt.

Penny, it doesn't matter
what you did in the past.

You're a good person now.

That's easy for you to say.

You weren't just called
a "b-b-b-b-bitch."

Perhaps you could assuage
your guilt through altruism.

Which word's tripping you up?

"Assuage," or "altruism"?

Both.

You'll feel better by doing
something nice for someone.

- I actually knew that.
- I never doubted you.

Every other week I serve at
a soup kitchen downtown.

Ooh, I can't do that.

If I stand over a steaming pot,
my hair just goes boing!

What else could I do?

There's Habitat for Humanity--
building houses for the poor.

Okay, come on, I don't even
have my own house--

I'm going to build one
for someone else?

How about donating
some of your clothes?

Oh, my God, that's perfect.
'Cause I have so many clothes

I don't wear, and they're
just taking up space,

and I go shopping to buy more stuff
and I have no place to put it.

This will totally fix that.

What about helping people?

And helping people.

Here's your cocoa.

- Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?
- Yes.

- Heated to precisely 183 degrees?
- Yes.

Seven little marshmallows,
no more no less?

You got one for good luck.

I'll get it.

One for good luck.

Must be the kind of math
they do at Princeton.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I want to apologize for...
stapling your balls and...

...throwing you naked
in the girls' locker room,

stuffing that parrot
down your pants.

What's this word?

- "Laxative."
- Oh, right.

Junior prom.

That was not cool, man.

I am so, so sorry.

Really?

Yeah. I just hope
you can forgive me.

Uh...

Yeah.

Sure, I guess.

You're a beautiful guy.

Well, thanks, Jimmy.

Okay, I got to go.

Are you okay to drive?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I drive better drunk.

You know, it makes
you pay attention.

No, no, no, come on in.
I'll make you a cup of coffee.

- I wouldn't be imposing?
- No.

Yes.

Sheldon, we can't
let him drive.

Then take away his keys
and make him wander the streets

with the other drunks.

You remember Sheldon
and Raj and Howard.

Not really, no.

It's funny, huh, Leonard?

Back in school, I was the
winner and you were the loser.

And now we're reversed.

You're the winner.

You'd think a winner could make
a decent cup of cocoa.

- You mind if I use your bathroom?
- Yeah, just back there.

How about that?

After all these years,
your big bad high school bully

finally apologizes.

Yeah. It kind of rekindles
your faith

in the basic goodness of people.

You know what
would be nice?

What's that?

As a symbolic gesture

to all the bullies who've
tormented us for years,

we open our home to Jimmy and
once he's asleep we kill him.

I said it would be nice--
I didn't say we should do it.

I feel just like
Mother Teresa.

Except for the virgin part.

That ship sailed
a long time ago.

I think Mother Teresa would
have washed the clothes first.

Yeah, well, I bet
her laundry room

wasn't down five flights
of stairs.

You know, giving really
is better than receiving.

I used to think it was such a cliche,
but it seems to be the...

Look at these cute jeans
someone just threw away.

Donated.

Yes, to a poor waitress
who loves a boot cut.

Penny.

Come on, they would
be so cute on me...

They go great
with this sweater!

I don't think
Mother Teresa...

Oh, that is adorable.

Leonard.

- Yeah.
- In case it comes up again,

this right here
is an imposition.

What was I supposed to do?

He needed a place
to sleep it off.

You're soft.

This world's going to chew
you up and spit you out.

When did I have tacos?

Morning, Jimmy.

Oh, there it is, tacos.

Man, I tied one on.

Yeah, you did.

So, uh, listen, it was
great to see you again.

And thanks for
the apology.

What apology?

For all the crappy stuff
you did to me in high school.

Geez, you're still harping
on that?

What a puss.

That's my French toast.

It's good.

You really know your way
around a kitchen, Nancy.

I'm not going to say
I told you so,

but we could have killed him.

I might kill him right now.

The Dark Knight
has your back.

He's scared, but
he has your back.

Okay, Jimmy, it's time
for you to go.

Yeah, all right, let
me just finish this.

No, you're done. I want you out
of my apartment right now.

Well said, Boy Wonder.

Or what?

Don't answer that.
It's a trick question.

I speak from experience.

I'm not afraid of you
anymore, Jimmy.

Now get out!

Uh-oh.

You did it, Leonard,
you stood up to your bully.

Yeah, I feel pretty good
about myself.

You think we can
outrun him?

I don't need to outrun him,
I just need to outrun you.

I don't feel
good about this.

Then sit in the car
and keep it running.

You were right--
a whole new load.

Come on, yoga top.
Mama needs a new yoga top.

Check it out, Bernadette,
suede boots, your size.

God, they're cute.

Oh, why did they have
to be cute?

Wait, wait, wait, guys,
just hang on.

What is it, the fuzz?

Look at us.

What are we doing?

I was gleefully following you
to a life of crime,

looking forward to the day
we might be cell mates.

I don't know about Bernadette.

You know, this is wrong.
Let's put everything back.

Here.

It's okay, I serve soup
to poor people!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==