The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Boyfriend Complexity - full transcript

You know who's gotta be the bravest
person in the Marvel Universe?

Whoever has to give She-Hulk
a bikini wax.

You wanna talk brave?

How about Captain America's
undocumented Mexican gardener?

He's not braver than whoever uses
the bathroom after The Thing.

As usual, you're all wrong.

Bravest person in the Marvel Universe
is the doctor...

...who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.

What about the guy who gets
a prostate exam from Wolverine?

Now you're just being silly.

Wolverine's never displayed interest
in helping others prevent prostate cancer.



(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Yes, the elevator's out of order.
You'll have to use the stairs.

Of course you can.

Pizza dates back to the 16th century...

...while the first elevator was not installed
until 1852.

That means that for over 300 years...

...people carried pizzas upstairs.

Be part of that proud tradition.

I'll go get Penny
while that guy spits on our food.

Do you think they gave Wolverine
an adamantium prostate?

That's a stupid question.

We're having a conversation
about probing the heinies of superheroes.

There are no stupid questions.



- Yes?
- Oh. Uh...

Is Penny here?

You're Leonard, right?

Yeah.

Damn, it's good to finally meet you, son.

Okay, I think
a bit of context here might help.

Oh, hey, Leonard.
I see you met my dad.

Oh, good. Context.

Come in, buddy. Take a load off.

Oh, Dad, Leonard can't stay.
He just dropped by to say hello.

Thanks for stopping by, sweetie.
I'll see you later.

Bye.

That was odd.

Are you sure you have enough comics?

You're monitoring the telescope
for 12 hours, and by my estimate...

...you've only selected seven hours
of reading material.

That's even factoring in your difficulty...

...in parsing American comic-book idioms
like "Bamf" and "Snikt."

Is that racist? It feels racist.

Don't be oversensitive.
He's calling you illiterate, not your race.

Oh, okay. Good.

I don't need more comics.
Howard's gonna stop by.

We'll play Intergalactic Battleship
and Indian Monopoly.

I don't care
for novelty editions of Monopoly.

I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.

Actually,
Indian Monopoly's just like regular.

Except the money's in rupees,
instead of hotels you build call centers...

...and when you pick a Chance card
you might die of dysentery.

Oh, just FYI, that was racist.

You'll never guess what happened.

You went out in the hallway,
stumbled into a portal...

...which brought you 5000 years
into the future...

...where you took advantage
of the technology to build a time machine.

Now you're back to bring us all to 7010,
where we are transported...

...to work at the Thinkatorium by
telepathically-controlled flying dolphins?

- No.
- Oh...

Penny kissed me.

Well, who would ever guess that?

- What kind of a kiss?
- A big kiss, on the mouth.

Is it possible
that she was going for your cheek...

...and you moved
and she accidentally got lip?

That happens with me and my mom
all the time.

She introduced me to her father...

...kissed me
and then shut the door in my face.

She was trying to send you a message.

- You think?
HOWARD: Yeah.

"This man is not my father,
I'm being held hostage...

...so I'm gonna do something insane
in the hopes that you'll call 911."

Penny kissing me is not insane.
She used to kiss me all the time.

Einstein defined insanity as doing
the same thing over and over again...

...and expecting different results.

By that standard,
Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

I'm just saying,
it felt like it may have meant something.

Oh, this takes me back.
Leonard obsessing about Penny.

Don't get me wrong,
I love your new stuff...

...but once in a while,
it's nice to hear the hits.

Ooh, ooh! Do "Our babies
will be smart and beautiful."

That one always makes me laugh.

(DOOR KNOCKS)

Why do I bother talking to you people?

If it will make you feel better,
we rarely listen.

- Can I talk to you out here for a sec?
- Yeah, sure.

I'm starting to think
we're never going to see that pizza.

You're probably wondering
what that was about.

What? The kissing and everything?

No, women do that to me all the time.

The thing is, I kind of told my father
we got back together again.

What? Why?

You're the first guy
he's ever really approved of.

You're a scientist who went to college
and you don't have a neck tattoo...

...or outstanding warrants, or...

Or a baby.

What kind of guys
did you used to go out with?

Just guys.

When I told him we split up,
he was heartbroken.

He kept bugging me, "How's Leonard?"
"Why can't you get back together?"

"I bet Leonard never tipped a cow
over on himself."

So to get him off my back,
I told him we worked things out.

Really?

(CLEARS THROAT)

How... How did we manage that?

- What?
- I mean, did you apologize?

Did you have to woo me?

Get over yourself.
I whistled, you came running.

- Yeah, no, I don't think so.
- Okay, why are you arguing about this?

I'm saying, if we fake got back together...

...that's totally not how it fake happened.
- Oh.

Will you please just play along
until my dad leaves?

Hold on, you actually want me
to deceive your father...

...with some sort
of sham play-acting and kissing?

Because I'm good with that.

WYATT:
Penny, you out here?

(PENNY STAMMERING)

Come on, honey, not in front of my dad.

Relax, I've seen you do a lot worse
with a lot stupider.

See? He doesn't mind.

I'm taking your gal out for dinner.
You wanna join us?

Oh, Dad, that's nice,
but Leonard has to work.

- Right, Leonard?
- I do, I have to work.

But I'm gonna blow that off to spend the
evening with my sweetie and her father...

...because it's
just the kind of boyfriend I am.

Oh...

- Come here, you.
- Oh...

- C-7.
- Miss.

How could that be a miss?
C-6 was a hit, C-8 was a hit.

Part of your starship has to be on C-7.

Not if it has a hole in the middle.

What kind of spaceship
has a hole in the middle?

A Romulan battle bagel?

BERNADETTE:
Knock, knock.

Oh, great, you made it. Come on in.

(INAUDIBLE WHISPER)

I invited her.

So where's the telescope?

Well, it's in Hawaii,
but Raj controls it from here.

He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim...

...which would be evidence
of a planet orbiting it.

So we just sit and stare at the screen,
waiting for something to happen?

I did it with you
when we rented The Notebook.

Yes, Gena Rowlands is a treasure.

You better open up that bottle of wine
or I'm gonna end up with swimmer's ear.

Okay.

Excuse me, I can't be drinking.

I'm about to make
an important scientific discovery here.

What...? Galileo did his best work
while drinking wine.

- How do you know that?
- Well, he was Italian.

It's a reasonable assumption.

Dude, can you even open your mouth
without spewing a cultural stereotype?

I'm sorry, Galileo drank diet Sprite.

Look, you're my best friend,
she's my girlfriend, you should bond.

You know, like you and my mom did.

Your mom creeps the hell out of me.

Yes, but she's stopped calling you
Slumdog Millionaire.

I do appreciate that.

Here we go.

Oh, well, I'd like to propose a toast.

To science and friendship.

Hold on. Wait.

- No, it's okay, go ahead.
- What?

I was working with penicillin-resistant
gonorrhea in the lab today...

...and I was just trying to remember
if I washed my hands.

- Thanks for the steak, Wyatt.
- My pleasure.

It's nice to have dinner with a boyfriend
of Penny's that knows how to use a napkin.

So not funny, Dad.

Let me tell you about this one genius.
This fella Donnie.

Will you please let it go?

Donnie was gonna make millions
turning farm waste into biofuel...

...and selling it to the government.

- A lot of people are doing that.
- Oh, see?

But all Donnie did
was mix pig poop with water...

...and pump it into his mom's Camry.

Yeah, that's great.
It's a funny story, moving on.

Donnie was a rocket scientist...

...compared to that boy who wanted
to get beer pong into the Olympics.

- What was his name?
- Curtis.

- And I'm pretty sure he was joking.
- Well, I don't know.

That petition looked real to me.

Okay, I think this ends
the ex-boyfriend portion of our evening.

Well, I'm just glad
you finally found yourself a keeper.

Thanks, Wyatt.

I'm a keeper.

(CHUCKLES)

You wanna come in for a nightcap?

Dad, he'd love to,
but Leonard has to work in the morning.

- Maybe I could go in a little late.
- No, no, no, you can't.

Your career is far too important.

Behind every man is a nagging woman
who won't let him have any fun, right?

Don't I know it.

- Well, good night, son.
- Good night, Wyatt.

- Oh, good night, honey.
- Good night.

I love you.

I love you too. Heh, heh.

Oh, friggety-frak. Not this again.

Three, four, five, pass go...

...get 2000 rupees, six, seven...

Whoops! Can't go any further,
there's a sacred cow in my way.

Tell your boyfriend
to cool it with the cow jokes.

It won't help. Once he finds
a joke he likes, he sticks with it.

- Like his haircut material.
- Oh, right.

- "Did you get your hair cut?"
- "No, I got them all cut."

Which is still so funny.

When you go to a Chinese restaurant, he
gets the same fortune in his fortune cookie.

Right. "Help, I'm a prisoner
in a Chinese fortune-cookie factory."

(BOTH GIGGLE)

Okay, I think that's enough about me.

He's right. Let's make fun of his mother.

(IMITATING HOWARD'S MOTHER)
"Howard, come rub my feet.

My corns are killing me."

(IMITATING HOWARD'S MOTHER)
"Howard, help me out of the tub.

I'm stuck again."

(DOOR KNOCKS)

Coming.

Hey, love bug.

Shut up.

You know what I've been doing
for the last hour?

Dreamily doodling
"Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter" in a notebook?

Listening to my father go on
about what a great guy you are.

You gotta admit, I'm delightful.

Why are you making this so difficult?

- It's not difficult for me, I'm having fun.
- Leonard.

What do you want me to do?

- Do you wanna tell him we're broken up?
- No.

- Then what do you want?
- I don't know.

Don't you think that's something
you should have figured out?

Maybe.

Leonard, Penny, excellent.

I'd like to say I'm very happy
that you're back together...

...and if I can figure out a way to do so
and sound sincere, I will.

In the meantime, I'd like to go over some
changes to the Roommate Agreement...

...specifically to address
Penny's annoying personal habits.

Oh, my God. What personal habits?

I have a list.

FYI, overuse of the phrase
"Oh, my God" is Number 12.

Sheldon, you don't have to do this,
because Leonard and I are no...

- Bup, bup. You wanna include him in this?
- Include me in what?

Is there a plot afoot?
I'll have no truck with plots.

No, you're right.
No, there's no plots, no trucks, no feet.

So, what other annoying habits
shall we discuss?

We don't discuss anything.

Leonard is the signatory
to the Roommate Agreement...

...as such, he bears responsibility for all
your infractions and must pay all fines.

- Fines?
- Yes.

If Penny's spending nights here again,
you'll need to set up an escrow account.

Hello, Hawaii.

This is Dr. Koothrappali in Pasadena.

I'd like you
to reposition the telescope, please.

Scarlett Johansson's house.

(LAUGHING)

I'm kidding, Hawaii. Mahalo.

Whoo!

It might have been a mistake
to open that second bottle of wine.

Well, live and learn.

You think this planet you're looking for
has an atmosphere that supports life?

Maybe.

If it did, I'd be famous.
I'd be on the cover of magazines.

And then instead of living alone in my
tiny apartment, I'd have a big mansion.

- Well, that sounds great.
- It is.

If you like wandering around a big
empty house with no one to love you.

- We'd come visit you.
- No, you wouldn't.

You'd be intimidated
by my wealth and fame.

My only friends would be my
genetically-engineered monkey butler...

...and the little people I hired
to be my living chess set.

He's taking a turn to the dark side.

- Oh, hold on, he could come back.
- What's the point of everything?

Nope. He's gone.

It's more than a year
since I've kissed a girl.

What about that hookup at Comic-Con
you told me about?

Grow up, I was lying, I lie all the time.
Nobody wants to kiss me.

You poor, poor thing.

Raj, you have to know,
you're a wonderful man.

There are a lot of girls out there
who wanna kiss you.

- Where?
- You just have to look.

No!

Well, this was fun.

Oh, I think I got a nibble.

Oh, be careful. Give him some line.

Okay, now reel him in.

Oh, look at that baby.
They're really biting, huh?

Yeah, they do that
when you set it on "easy."

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh, that's me.

Hello? Oh, hi, sweetie.

I got up early
and didn't wanna wake you...

...so I went out for coffee,
ran into Leonard on the way back.

Guess what. We're fishing.

Yeah, right here on his couch.

Hey, baby, I love you.

(KISSING SOUNDS)

That's Leonard. He says he loves you.

What?

I see.

The whole thing's bull squirt, huh?

Well, that's very disappointing.

Bye.

Oh, hey, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

I can't believe you would lie to me.

- I did not wanna be a part of this.
- I'll get to you in a minute.

No hurry.

My daughter thinks I don't love her
enough to support her...

...no matter what choices she makes.

- I'm sorry, Daddy...
- Let me finish.

I thought we were past the days
when you'd pull the wool over my eyes.

Telling me the baggie
in your underwear drawer is potpourri.

And the pee stick in your bathroom
is to check for diabetes.

I know. I'm sorry.

I respect your right
to make your own decisions...

...but all I ask is you respect me enough
to be honest about them.

You're right.
From now on, I will tell you the truth.

Thank you.
Now go and put some clothes on.

We'll grab a bite
before I head for the airport.

- Okay.
- Now you...

- He had nothing to do... Okay.
- Keep walking.

Please, please,
please don't give up on her.

What?

I can't go back to the skateboard idiots,
the white rappers...

...and all the sweaty dumb-asses
with their backwards hats.

Gee, I don't know if it's in the cards, sir.

Then stack the deck.

Cheat, lie, I don't care.

I want grandkids and I want them
to grow up in a house without wheels.

- I'll give it a shot.
- Thank you.

Now, I'm gonna do something here
to help you along.

- Excuse me?
- Just don't panic.

(YELLING) Now get your sorry,
lying ass out of my face...

...and make sure I never see it again.

Oh, the reverse-psychology thing.
I see, that's very clever.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Don't yap. Just get out.

I'll friend you on Facebook.

Oh, there you are.

Just so you know, I was up all night...

...but I've finally completed
the Penny-specific section...

...of the new Roommate Agreement.

Yeah? Well, not necessary,
we broke up again.

Do you even think about other people,
Leonard?

Do you?

Hey. Oh, how did it go last night?

Oh, you know. Same old, same old.

Looked through a telescope,
saw some stars, big whoop.

Really? You waited months
for time with that telescope.

- What happened?
- Why, you writing a book?

I'm going to propose a hypothesis.

Last night, Raj accidentally made
contact with an alien civilization...

...and has been ordered by the
U.S. Government to keep it a secret.

Nothing happened.
Can we change the subject?

That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.

HOWARD: Hey.
SHELDON: Hello.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you get to play
with Raj's big telescope last night?

- Wha...?
- Wha...?

- Where did that come from?
- He never touched my telescope.

- Way to go shutting up.
- I did shut up. Now you shut up.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

I can't believe
you didn't call me this morning.