The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - The 21-Second Excitation - full transcript

("RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK"
THEME PLAYING ON TV)

Okay, help me out here.

How does an archeology professor
get that good with a whip?

Maybe he took a class at the
adult bookstore. That's how I learned.

I can't believe you've never seen
Raiders of the Lost Ark.

And I can't believe you've never read
Eat, Pray, Love.

When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run
Away From a Giant Boulder, I'll read it.

I don't care if Eat, Pray, Love,
changed your life, I'm not reading it.

You know,
I could totally rock a hat like that.

That's the work of noted Hollywood
costume designer Deborah Nadoolman.

She designed the red and black jacket
in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video...



...which I've never viewed
in its entirety...

...as I find zombies dancing
in synchronicity implausible.

And also, it's really scary.

Could someone please turn off
the Sheldon commentary track?

There's no switch.
Just listen and learn.

Penny,
you should come with us Friday...

...to see it on the big screen
at the Colonial.

I'm watching it now.
Why would I wanna see it again?

Because the print they're showing...

...has an additional 21 seconds
of previously unseen footage.

Wha... Twenty-one seconds?
That'll be like seeing a whole new movie.

Exactly. They say it finally solves
the submarine controversy.

Leonard, I'm no expert, but I believe
what we just heard from Penny...

...was sarcasm.



Oh, good. I'm 8-for-26 this month.

Yeah, I think I'll pass. But you guys
enjoy your extra 21 seconds.

If I could make you understand why this
is a cool thing, we'd still be together.

Hmm... Yeah. No, we wouldn't.

Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds
had something to do with that too.

(CHUCKLES)

May I point out to you all that
the screening is first come, first served?

Relax, it's 5:00.
The movie doesn't start till midnight.

Another way of saying that is: The movie
starts at midnight and it's already 5:00.

If we miss it, we'll have the fun of
listening to Sheldon...

...whine about it
for the rest of our lives.

See? Howard's on my side.

Actually, I'm not.
I'm using sarcasm to mock you.

Drat. Now I'm 8-for-27.

Don't worry, Sheldon. We'll be fine.

What happened to the Leonard who
waited in line with me for 14 hours...

...to see the premiere
of Star Trek: Nemesis?

Oh, well, he waited in line for 14 hours
while you napped in a lawn chair...

...he got in a fight
when he stepped out of line to pee...

...and you wouldn't wake up
to vouch for him.

And worst of all,
he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.

But how were our seats?

- Excellent.
- I rest my case.

Amy, don't you agree we should
leave now and get in line?

As the newest member
of your social group...

...I'll gain more acceptance by siding
with your friends from time to time.

Shrewd.

Leonard, you're right.
We should enjoy our meal, arrive late...

...and risk winding up with terrible seats,
assuming we get in at all.

Thank you, Amy.

See? It's working.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Olive.
- "I love" you too.

(CHUCKLES)

Guys, that's really starting to get old.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

I have a girlfriend and you don't.

(CHUCKLES)

Hysterical.

We don't know that yet, he isn't finished.
I have a girlfriend and you don't who?

So are you sure you don't wanna
come with us to Raiders?

Oh, no. That movie has melting faces.

It reminds me of the time...

...I dropped that vial of flesh-eating
bacteria into the monkey lab.

Besides, Penny and I
are having a girls' night tonight.

Girls' night? What does that entail?

Oh, you know, girls get together,
hang out, share girl talk.

I'm a girl.

Well, maybe you can join us.
I'll ask Penny.

No need. Penny and I are very close.

- You are?
- Yes.

In fact, our menses are synchronized.

Penny, Bernadette tells me
you're planning a girls' night.

Yeah?

I'm a girl.

Oh, it was just gonna be
me and Bernadette.

I thought you were going to movies
with the guys?

Yes, but they're not girls. I'm a girl.

Yeah. No, no. I got that.

- What's the dress code?
- Just wear something comfortable.

All right. I'll have to go shopping.

Knock, knock.

- Who's there?
- Hugh.

- Hugh who?
- "You" people need to listen to me.

It's time to get in line for the movie.

And that's how you tell
a knock-knock joke.

Under normal circumstances
I'd say I told you so...

...but as I have told you so with such
vehemence and frequency already...

...the phrase has lost all meaning.

Therefore, I will be replacing it
with the phrase "I informed you thusly."

Can't wait for that to start.

I informed you thusly.

Eight-for-28.

This is where we could've been
if we hadn't stopped for dinner.

This is where we could've been
if Koothrappali hadn't ordered dessert.

I earned it, dude. I ate all my broccoli.

And here's where we are,
the runts in a large litter...

...unlikely to ever reach
the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.

So I guess it's a good thing
we stopped for dinner.

(SCOFFS)

When facing disappointment,
Eat, Pray, Love teaches us...

Oh, shut up.

So, anyway,
to make a long story short...

...turns out I have
an unusually firm cervix.

You know, heh, Amy,
when we say girl talk...

...it doesn't just have to be
about our lady parts.

Shame. Because I have a real zinger
about my tilted uterus.

Penny, your nails look great.

Oh, thanks.

I found this place in Alhambra.
It's in a woman's basement.

I think it's a front for human trafficking,
but they do a really good job.

A colleague of mine did her thesis
on the fungus...

...that grows on improperly sterilized
manicure implements.

Well, don't tell me that's not girl talk.

So where should we go tonight?
A bar? A club? A movie?

Or we could just stay here.

Yes, and continue to bond.

I have a feeling that after tonight, one
of you will become my best friend forever.

Or BFF, if you prefer.

Which I don't.

All right,
time to open Bachelor Number 2.

Gee, I don't know if I should drink more.
I have to drive home.

And I've got enough trouble
seeing over the dashboard as it is.

That's okay. You can just sleep here.

Oh, good, a slumber party.

We'll do makeovers,
initiate phony phone calls...

...and have spirited pillow fights
in our frilly nighties.

Gosh, Amy, I don't know if I would
call this an actual slumber party.

Oh, I've always wanted to be
invited to a slumber party.

- Oh, you never were?
- Not even when you were a kid?

There was the time
I had my tonsils out...

...and I shared a room
with a little Vietnamese girl.

She didn't make it through the night,
but up till then it was kind of fun.

Okay, well, I guess we're having
a slumber party.

Pillow fight.

Uh, I hope they let us in soon.

I'm tired of running to the gas station
to use the bathroom.

The guy makes me buy a Gatorade
every time. It's a vicious circle.

Too bad you don't have
a stadium pal like me.

What's a stadium pal?

Let me put it this way.

Takes care of the bathroom problem
and it keeps your calf warm.

Hey, guys, bad news,
I just did a quick calculation.

Given the size of the theater
and this line, we might not get seats.

What did he say?

Nice going, Raj.
Just got him down for his nap.

We might not get seats?

It's fine, it's fine. Go back to sleep.

Oh, I informed you thusly.
I so informed you thusly.

Howard, you talk to him.

Howard?

You're peeing, aren't you?

Hey, look who's here. Hey, buddies.

Well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton.

The Jar Jar Binks
of the Star Trek universe.

(IMMITATING JAR JAR BINKS)
Me think that very funny.

Well, you can go think that
at the back of the line.

No cuts, not butts, no coconuts.

- Wil Wheaton.
- (IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah.

- I'm a big fan.
- Of what? Poorly executed beards?

Do you think you could get me
and my friends into the movie?

- No problem. Come on, I'll hook you up.
- Awesome.

(IMMITATING JAR JAR BINKS)
Meesa gonna go into the movie now.

Bye-bye.

This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek.

There should be no value
to his pseudo-celebrity here.

And even at Star Trek conventions,
they only let him in if he helps set up!

Calm down, Sheldon.

I will not calm down.

This affront to justice and decency
cannot go unanswered.

As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said:

"The line must be drawn here.
This far, no farther."

Had to wake him up from his nap,
didn't you?

You know what I really love
about Howard?

His chest hair.

Howard has a hairy chest?

No, just the one.

But it's really long.

Okay, there you go: Sultry Sunrise Red.
What do you think?

My nails have never looked
so pretty before.

Get it off.

Oh, oh, looks like they're getting
ready to let people in.

Listen to what
Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting:

"Best seats in house
for Raiders screening.

Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper."

Why do you read his Twitter feed?
It's only gonna upset you.

I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard.
Had Twitter existed at the time...

...would not General Custer
have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull?

Would not Lee have followed Grant?
Would not Spy have followed Spy?

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

I have more examples, but excuse me.
Hello?

Well, this seems like an odd time
to test my cell-phone quality, but go on.

Test phrases? All right.

"I'm a toat".

"Al but".

"Twad".

All together? "I'm a total butt wad."

Why are you laughing?

Hello?

And that, girls, is how you make
a phony phone call.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm not sure I grasp the full
entertainment value, but all right.

Next on Wikipedia's list of
slumber party activities, "truth or dare."

It's your game, you go first.

Hang on, I'm familiarizing myself
with the rules.

Seems fairly straightforward.

- Bernadette, truth or dare?
- Truth.

All right. To what temperature
must you heat beef...

...in order to kill the prion that causes
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy?

- Um...
- Remember, you have to answer honestly.

No, Amy, you're supposed to ask her
something personal or embarrassing.

Oh, all right.

What is the circumference
of your areolas?

"Munching on complimentary popcorn.
Woot-woot."

Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is:

"Popcorn lodged in trachea.
Choking to death."

Woot-woot.

Guys, I am sorry, we are full up.

What...? No!

- We're full up!
- We really wanna see this.

Is there anything you can do?

Sorry, fire regulations.
Should have gotten here earlier.

This is nothing but a blatant abuse
of power by a petty functionary.

Explain to me why Wil Wheaton
and his lackeys get in and we don't.

Because I'm the petty functionary
with a clipboard, bitch.

I guess that's that.

Let's go home.

You know what? I'm going back
to "I told you so." I told you so.

We can still see something.

The new Sandra Bullock movie
is playing.

You know Sandy B always brings it.

Look. A side door.

Come on, Short Round.

I guess we'd better go after him.

- Short Round?
- Indy's sidekick from Temple of Doom.

LEONARD:
Yeah, I know who it is, but why is it me?

RAJESH: You're right.
It should be a cuddly Asian boy.

Like me.

And Absolon hath kist hir nether ye,
and Nicholas is scalded in the toute.

This tale is doon,
and God save all the route.

What the hell was that?

Bernadette dared me
to tell a dirty story.

"The Miller's Tale" by Chaucer
is the dirtiest story I know.

It would've been hidden
in sock drawers...

...if people in the 14th century
had worn socks.

I thought it was pretty spicy.

Especially the part
where he kisses her "nether ye."

You might not like it as much
if you knew what "nether ye" meant.

Hint, if one cares about hygiene,
one ought not be kissing it.

Okay, my turn. Penny, truth or dare?

Truth.

Why are you still hanging out with
Leonard even though you broke up?

Oh, that's an excellent question.
For two people no longer pair-bonded...

...you spend an inordinate
amount of time in each other's company.

Yeah.

Dare.

I don't believe the rules allow for
an ex post facto change.

Yeah.

Look, just because we're not
seeing each other anymore...

...doesn't mean we can't be friends.
I mean, Leonard's a great guy.

Then why did you terminate
your relationship with him?

I don't know. He got really serious
and I wasn't ready for it.

How will you react if, in the future...

...you become ready for it
and Leonard is unavailable...

...because another woman has realized
he is, to use your words, "A great guy?"

You can only ask one question.

- That one.
- That one.

You know what,
I don't wanna play anymore.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, I'm not sure how this is scored,
but I believe we may have won.

Sheldon?

Sheldon?

Where did he go?

(WHISTLING)

We're looking for Sheldon,
not Marmaduke.

You whistled?

What is that?

Raiders of the Lost Ark
with 21 additional seconds.

If I can't see it, no one else can see it.

Wait. Sheldon, this is crazy.

No, crazy was leaving
the projection booth unattended.

Listen, you are over-tired.
You're not thinking right.

Put the movie back
before we get into trouble.

Trouble is my middle name, Leonard.
Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer "Trouble."

Oh, look who they let in.

Don't worry, Wil Wheaton,
I was just leaving.

(SINGING)

- Come on, Short Round!
- Yeah.

(SHELDON SINGING)

Come on, guys. Hurry up, hurry up.

Let's see you run with a bag of urine
strapped to your leg.

He's got the movie! Get him!

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Why is there never a pontoon plane
when you need one?

She's been in there a long time.

Clearly, losing truth or dare upset her.

We should try to take her mind off it...

...with another slumber party activity.
- Like what?

The Internet suggests
that slumber party guests...

...often engage in harmless
experimentation with lesbianism.

Where exactly on the Internet
have you been looking?

- Penny?
PENNY: Oh, hey, Amy.

Look, I'm sorry I got so upset, I just...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

AMY:
Don't worry, I'll avoid the nether ye.

I might have gone with
eating raw cookie dough.