The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Desperation Emanation - full transcript

(GUNFIRE ON TV)

If they took all the money they spent
trying to make a decent Hulk movie...

...they could probably
just make an actual Hulk.

That is apt and amusing.

I think I shall share that
with Amy Farrah Fowler.

- She'll appreciate the witticism.
- Thank you.

It will also help improve
her initial impression of you.

- So, what's going on with you two?
- Oh, the status is as it always was.

She's a girl, she's a friend.

She's not my, please forgive me
for doing this, "girlfriend."

Right, right.



So you're still just texting
and e-mailing?

You don't feel any need to hang out with
her, you know, be in the same room?

Leonard, you are my best friend.

I've known you for seven years...

...and I can barely tolerate
sitting on the couch with you.

Uh, imagine my attitude...

...regarding prolonged physical proximity
to Amy Farrah Fowler.

Got it.

- Well, I sense judgment on your part.
- No, no.

Maybe a little.

May I suggest that your criticism
is based on jealousy?

Heh, jealousy? What do I have
to be jealous of?

I have a functioning
and satisfying relationship with a female.

And you have none.



Oh, right. That. Hmm.

Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster,
not unlike the Hulk.

Who, by the way,
also has a girlfriend.

In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly.

Whom you may recall as the girlfriend
of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind.

A feel-good romp
if there ever was one.

I'm not jealous.

(GRUNTS)

(IMITATES HULK)
Leonard not jealous.

You know, it just occurred to me.

If there are an infinite number
of parallel universes...

...in one of them,
there's probably a Sheldon...

...who doesn't believe
parallel universes exist.

- Probably. What's your point?
- No point.

It's just one of the things
that makes one of the me's chuckle.

(CHUCKLES)

- What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
- Um, recently? Not much.

Is it because of the conflict
that arises...

...from your desperate need
to pair bond with a woman...

...and the apparent collective decision
on the part of all womankind...

...to deny you that opportunity?

LEONARD:
Um...

Shut up.

SHELDON: You know, when my grandfather
died and Meemaw was alone...

...my Mom arranged for her
to visit a center three times a week...

...where she could socialize
with other lonely people.

It's very nice.

They discuss current events,
play bridge, get a hot meal.

LEONARD: That sounds lovely.
SHELDON: Um, it is if you like bridge.

Do you like bridge, Leonard?

LEONARD: Sheldon, I'm just
not dating someone right now.

I don't need to go
to a seniors' center.

Meemaw resisted at first,
but now she loves it.

Fine. If I don't meet someone soon,
you can put me in a home.

It's not a home.
It's a senior center.

We'd never put Meemaw
in a home.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

All right, I'll bow to social pressure.
Hey.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me.
That's my girlfriend Bernadette.

I assigned her own ring tone.
"Bernadette" by The Four Tops.

Hello, Bernadette.

When I call him,
his phone plays "Brown Eyed Girl"...

...which now
that I think about it is not so good.

You realize
he's just rubbing our noses...

...in the fact
that he has a girlfriend and we don't.

You mean you don't.

You have a girlfriend?
How could you have a girlfriend?

- You can't even speak to women.
- Uh, two words: Deaf chick.

It doesn't matter if I can't talk
because she can't hear me.

- What?
- That's what she said.

Great. You have a girlfriend,
Howard has a girlfriend...

...Sheldon's got a...
SHELDON: Ahem.

- Girl who's a friend.
- Thank you.

What about you, Stuart?
You have a girlfriend yet?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I met her at Comic-Con.

The one place in the world where saying
"I own a comic book store"...

...is an actual pick-up line.

- Oh. Well, good for you.
- Not really. She's horrible.

When she wants to have sex, she puts on
her plus-size Wonder Woman costume...

...and shouts, "Who wants
to take a ride in my invisible plane?"

- Why don't you just break up with her?
- Heh, no, I can't.

- Why not?
- Because then I'd be alone. Like you.

Dude, why don't you just invoke
your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz?

Uh, because I don't need his girlfriend
to set me up with one of her girlfriends.

I'm perfectly capable
of finding a girl on my own.

Oh, Leonard. You remind me
of the funny old story about a man...

...who walks into
a women's correctional institution...

...with a stack of paperwork...

...that would allow
the female convicts to go free.

You're saying I couldn't get laid in a
women's prison with a handful of pardons.

Are you gonna
let me tell the story or not?

- Leonard? Are you sleeping?
- No.

- Are you ill?
- No.

Are you depressed because you're
alone and no one loves you?

I don't know. Maybe.

I want you to know that I'm genuinely
concerned about your well-being.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

But it's still no reason
to have your feet in my spot.

AMY: (OVER LAPTOP)
May I offer an observation?

What the hell?
How long has she been there?

Since we got home
from the comic book store.

That was two hours ago.

As per your suggestion,
we're hanging out.

Quite frankly, I don't see
what all the hoopla is about.

Go on, Amy.

From a neurobiological standpoint...

...you may be alone
because your psychological state...

...is causing an actual pheromone-based
stink of desperation.

- Did you know that, Leonard?
- No.

I did.

I understand that
some people find mates...

...in social gathering places
such as bars or taverns.

Have you tried a bar or tavern?

No, I'm not gonna
pick up a woman in a bar.

Wise decision. You see, Amy...

...success at a bar
is based on classic male attributes...

...such as:
Height, strength, attractiveness...

...the ability to hold one's liquor
and throw darts, separately or together.

Leonard has none of these attributes,
right, Leonard?

Right.

That's not true of all bars.
Juice bars for example.

Oh, good point, Amy.

Yeah. Building on your premise...

...Leonard could frequent sushi bars,
salad bars...

...oyster bars,
the Apple Genius Bar.

- What are you doing?
- Keep going, I'm listening.

That was rude.

He does it all the time.

He's a cornucopia
of social awkwardness.

Cornucopia, what a mellifluous word.

- Let's make that our word of the day.
- Agreed.

And we'll use mellifluous tomorrow.

Well, I have to void my bladder.

It was nice
spending this time with you.

AMY: Wait. I have a request.
- Yes?

- I'd like you to meet my mother.
- I see. Can I get back to you on that?

- Certainly. Good night.
- Good night.

SHELDON:
Leonard. Leonard...

Leonard. Leonard...

- Leonard. Leonard.
- Yeah. What?

Amy Farrah Fowler
has asked me to meet her mother.

- Yeah? So?
- What does that mean?

You know how you're always saying
that Amy is a girl...

...who is a friend and not your girlfriend?
- Uh-huh.

You can't say that anymore.

SHELDON:
What?

LEONARD: Well, she obviously wants to
take your relationship to the next level.

SHELDON: Ugh, I don't want the next level.
I like this level.

Fix it for me.

Me? How am I supposed to fix it?

Simple. You want a girlfriend.
Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend.

Take her off my hands.
I give you my blessing.

That is insane.

You're right. It would never work.
Amy finds you tedious.

- Okay, good luck.
- W... Wait.

What am I supposed to do?

Have you considered telling her
how you feel?

Leonard, I'm a physicist,
not a hippie.

All right, well, let me see if I can
explain your situation using physics.

What would you be
if you were attached to another object...

...by an inclined plane
wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed.

There you go.

Amy's right, he is tedious.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Howard, get the door!

HOWARD:
Why can't you get it?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: You know I'm doing
a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy.

I'm like an upside-down volcano here.

Oh, hey, heh, I hope you didn't hear that.

The volcano thing? No.

What's with the T-shirt?
You're working at the Apple store now?

Well, uh, no, it's just something
I threw on.

I know all your shirts,
that's not one of...

You were pretending to work at the Genius
Bar to pick up women, weren't you?

Yeah.

Turns out they guard the iPods,
but they don't guard the shirts.

- So how'd it go?
- It was going well.

I was showing this super hot girl
how to boot up in safe mode...

...the manager got suspicious and...

Well, long story short,
they really do have a little jail in the mall.

Just FYI, don't try to go back
with a fake mustache.

I mean, they may not really be geniuses,
but they see right through that.

I wanna invoke the girlfriend pact,
Howard.

You that desperate?

No, uh, I just...
You know, I want what you have.

You know,
I want a woman in my life.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Holy Moses,
how much liquid can be in one tuchus?

To be clear, I meant Bernadette,
not your mother.

No, I know what you meant.

Well, I'm off to meet
Bernadette's friend. How do I look?

As if one of the plants...

...from Invasion of the Body Snatchers
duplicated you in every way...

...only with an absurd amount
of hair gel.

What are you working on?

I'm removing my digital footprint
from the Internet...

...so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me
and compel me to meet her mother.

- Oh. You're going off the grid.
- Exactly.

The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.

Thank you. I've also sent
Amy a relationship termination notice...

...and changed my cell phone
number and e-mail address.

What if she just comes over?

She'll get lost.
We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles.

We now live at 311 Los Robles.

You changed the address
on the building? What about mail?

No worries, I explained
my predicament to our letter carrier.

He was sympathetic. His exact words
were, "Got your back, Jack.

Bitches be crazy."

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

LEONARD: Who is it?
AMY: Amy Farrah Fowler.

- Darn! She found me.
- She's been here before.

The only flaw
in an otherwise perfect plan.

- Now get my back, Jack.
- What do you wanna do?

- Tell her I'm not here.
- Where are you?

I don't know.
You'll have to devise a scenario...

...that plausibly explains
my absence...

...keeping in mind that the key
to a good lie lies in the details.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hi, Amy. Sheldon's not here.
- All right.

Way to go on the details.

- Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette.
- Oh, I take pacts very seriously.

One time at my lab...

...a Petri dish of genetically modified
super-virus went missing.

That day, we made a pinky swear...

...never to admit that we crossed
Ebola with the common cold.

Heh. Why the hell would you cross
Ebola with the common cold?

We never did.
That would be a terrible, terrible thing.

Hi, sorry I'm late.
I was at the gym.

Spin class,
worked up quite a sweat.

Joy, this is Leonard.
Leonard, this is Joy.

- Hi.
- Hi. You don't look like a genius.

- Go ahead, say something smart.
- Um...

Ehh, time's up.

(LAUGHS)

Just kidding. First thing
you need to know about me...

...I?m hilarious.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

So Bernadette tells me she knows you
from, uh, self-defense classes.

Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga.
Lots of fun.

Basically, a hundred different ways
to rip a guy's nuts off.

Wouldn't think there'd be that many.

- Number 42.
- Whoa!

Isn't she a pip?

SHELDON:
Proxima Centauri's the nearest star.

The celestial bodies that follow are:

Alpha Centauri A, Toli...

...Barnard's Star, Wolf 359...

...Lalande 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B...

...BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154...

...Ross 248...

...Epsilon Eridani,
Lac 9352, Ross-128...

...Procyon A.

Oh, darn, that's wrong!

(SIGHS)

EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B...

...EZ Aquarii C...

...Procyon A.

Those are the stars
that are nearest to me.

Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee.

Oh, dear.

They really do be crazy.

(BELCHES)

This lobster's good on the way down
and the way up.

Should be. It's $30 a pound.

Hey. This is a date, right?

- Yep, it is.
- Seventy-three!

Oh!

(JOY LAUGHS)

Ahem, excuse me, I have to go
to the little girls' room...

...and take a wicked whiz.

I'll go with you.

Fair warning, I had the asparagus.

My pee is gonna stink up the place.

I think she likes you.

SHELDON (IN LOW VOICE):
EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C...

...Procyon A.

(IN DEEP VOICE)
Excuse me, madam.

Sheldon?

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Rats!

I believe a misunderstanding
may have occurred...

...when I asked you
to meet my mother.

No misunderstanding.

I've learned what
that request actually means...

...and I don't want
to be joined to another object...

...by an inclined plane
wrapped helically around an axis.

In what way are you screwed?

All I wanna do is present you
as my boyfriend to my mother...

...so she'll be satisfied
that I'm in a relationship.

- So we'd be perpetrating a ruse?
- Precisely.

And you haven't fallen
hopelessly in love with me?

Don't be absurd.

I find the notion of romantic love to be
an unnecessary cultural construct...

...that adds no value
to human relationships.

Amy, that's the most pragmatic thing
anyone has ever said to me.

I trust this clarification
allows us to return...

...to boy-slash-friend-
slash-girl-slash-friend status.

Of course.

Would you like to join me
for Chinese food?

Sheldon, please,
you're suffocating me.

My apologies.

- Good night, Amy.
AMY: Good night, Sheldon.

Come on, just give her a chance.
Maybe she'll grow on you.

Or maybe she'll finally succeed
in ripping my nuts off.

There's still 93 ways
she hasn't tried yet.

Uh, Howard, I appreciate the effort...

...but this is, like,
the worst date of my life.

Heh, seriously?

I was once robbed by a pre-op
transsexual I met on JDate...

...and that didn't
even crack my top 10.

Well, I guess the difference is
I have some self-respect.

Not that I've ever seen.

It's relatively new.

I just know I'm not gonna
spend time with someone I don't like...

...simply to have a girlfriend.

I'm okay on my own.

Good news,
I made lots of room for dessert.

- Uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but, uh...
- Yeah, you too.

You got anything for next weekend?
I need a date for my cousin's wedding.

- You're asking me out?
JOY: Yeah.

And it's an open bar,
so I'll probably be giving it away.

I'll look forward to it.

MRS. FOWLER (OVER LAPTOP):
It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon.

I honestly didn't believe Amy
when she told me she had a boyfriend.

I assure you I am quite real...

...and I'm having regular intercourse
with your daughter.

- What?
- Oh, yes.

We are like wild animals in heat.

It's a wonder
neither of us has been hurt.

Amy, what is he saying?

You wanted me to have a boyfriend,
mother. Well, here he is.

Have to sign off now.

My hunger for Sheldon
is stirring in my loins.

Oh, yes. It's time for me to make love
to your daughter's vagina.

MRS. FOWLER:
Oh!

- Thank you. That went very well.
- Agreed.

Amy, I find myself wondering...

...if we should actually engage in coitus
at least one time in our relationship.

Buzzinga.

Bedtime,
please show yourself out.