The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Roommate Transmogrification - full transcript

- Hey, you guys ready to order?
- Sure.

- Okay, Priya.
- I'll have the Shepherd's Pie.

- You want to split that with me?
- Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.

Why not?

Milk in the taters,
milk in the gravy, Parmesan crust.

Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn
into a gas-filled Macy's Day balloon.

(LAUGHING)

Not quite accurate.
The Macy's balloons are filled with helium...

...whereas Leonard produces
copious amounts of methane.

(LAUGHING)

So no on the Shepherd's Pie.
Can we move on?



Yeah, a little tip. He says he can eat
frozen yogurt. Do not believe it.

Sea bass. I'll have the sea bass.

You gotta like this.

The girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend
bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Kill me.
- It wouldn't help.

The human body is capable
of being flatulent for hours after death.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
I have amazing news.

Bernadette,
before you change the subject...

...does anyone have any final comments
on Leonard's faulty digestive system?

So, what's your news, Bernadette?

The thesis committee accepted
my doctoral dissertation.

I'm getting my PhD.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Oh!



Wow! So that means you're a doctor,
you're a doctor...

...you're a doctor, you're a doctor.

And, Howard, you know a lot of doctors.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Yeah, ha, ha!

- Congratulations, honey.
- Thank you.

So, Howard, tell us, how's it feel
knowing that when you two get married...

...you'll be referred to
as Mr. And Dr. Wolowitz?

Unless he takes Bernadette's last name.

And considering her status,
that could open doors for him.

Please, this isn't about me.

- I'm proud of you.
- Well, you'll really be proud of this.

I was headhunted
by a big pharmaceutical company.

They're gonna pay me
a buttload of money.

What?

Bernadette, that's great.

Howard, do you make a buttload?

Better than what you've got
a buttload of.

If I roll down the windows in the car,
everything's peachy.

If you do it, you're still not a doctor.

Yeah, just a heads-up
on the car window deal.

It helps, but everything is not peachy.

(SINGING)
Oh, if there was a problem

Yo, I'll solve it

Check out the hook
While my DJ revolves it

Ice ice baby

Ice ice baby

PRIYA:
Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.

LEONARD:
You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura.

Now prepare for inspection.

PRIYA:
My brother's going to hear you.

LEONARD:
Oh, relax, he's got headphones on.

And we're 10 miles above Earth
in a starship.

Really, 10 miles?
You're orbiting inside the atmosphere?

Moron.

PRIYA: I can't believe I'm wearing
my brother's Halloween costume.

LEONARD: I can't believe you think
he only wears it on Halloween.

Open the landing bay doors,
shuttlecraft approaching.

Okay, gotta go.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, what's up?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Is that
my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?

No, Ma, it's Raj!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: He's a doctor too, right?
- Yes!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo?

Sheldon, yes.
Everybody's a doctor but me!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Well, whose fault is that?

(MOUTHS)
Wha...?

What's up?

Leonard's putting disgusting memories
in my memory-foam mattress.

- Can I stay here tonight?
- Uh...

Well, sure,
but I'm going out with Bernadette.

- It'll just be you and my mother.
- I guess that's okay.

Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Of course. He and I can play doctor.

She's kidding, right?

I don't know. She's pretty feisty since they
put her on hormone replacement therapy.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Paging Doctor Cutie-Pie!

I must say, Amy, I was very impressed
to see that Bernadette got her PhD.

It's indeed admirable.

Although, it is microbiology.

Your doctorate is in neurobiology.
I fail to see the distinction.

I'll make it simple for you.

I study the brain, the organ responsible
for Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony."

Bernadette studies yeast,
the organism responsible for Michelob Light.

- Is there something wrong with your neck?
- It's a little stiff.

What a remarkably fragile structure
to support such a valuable payload.

It's not unlike balancing a Faberg? egg
on a Pixy Stick.

Have you considered massage?

I'd like to respond to that sarcastically.

Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger
covering my body with oil and rubbing it.

I was proposing you massage your muscles
with your own hands.

Still sounds like
a lot of unnecessary touching.

Trust me.
With your right hand, locate the spot...

...where the scapula meets
the acromion process.

- All right.
- Now push your third finger...

...along the ridge of the shoulder blade,
making a small rotation as you do so.

Rotating.

You should feel a small node-like object
rolling back and forth along the bone.

- You mean the myofascial point?
- Obviously.

Now, bear down on it...

...like the seventh-grade noogies
we all know too well.

Oh, dear Lord. Yes, yes. Oh, yes.

Amy, I've never been touched
like this before.

Ah! Oh, my hands are magic.

Don't flatter yourself.

Your hands are blunt tools guided
by my knowledge of the nervous system.

I could just as easily have paralyzed you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

There's someone at my door.

That doesn't interest me. Goodbye.

- Can I sleep here tonight?
- Why?

Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate
Star Trek sex with my sister.

I can see how that would be upsetting.
Come in.

I'll get the sheets and blankets
for the couch.

- Don't bother, I'll sleep in Leonard's room.
- No, I can't authorize that.

Why? He's in my bed,
why can't I be in his?

The Hammurabic code is an eye for an eye,
not a bed for a bed.

Come on, dude, I'm exhausted.

And Tyra Banks says
the most important item...

...in your makeup bag
is a good night's sleep.

All right.

This is a form indemnifying me...

...from your use of Leonard's bedroom.

Sign here,
indicating that I tried to stop you...

...and did so
using a stern facial expression.

- Good night, Sheldon.
- We still have to go over safety procedures.

Now, the apartment
has three emergency exits...

...located here, here, and here.

In the event of a power outage...

...luminous paint
will guide you to the nearest exit.

You're kidding.

I never kid about safety.

- Agh.
- Aah!

What are you doing here?

- I was sleeping.
- In my bed?

I would have slept in my own bed, but it
was being used to bring shame to my family.

And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.

Oh, you heard.

"Scotty, I need more power."

Sorry. Does Sheldon know
you're sleeping here?

Are you kidding?

He made me sign a waiver,
participate in an emergency fire drill...

...and take a refresher course in CPR.

Thank God he had a dummy.

Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona.

You know she used to date Howard?

Oh, my God, she's that Mona?

Why can't you and my sister
spend your nights here?

We tried.
She doesn't get along with Sheldon.

Sheldon doesn't get along with Sheldon.

It's still no reason for me
to have to listen to you...

...arm your photon torpedoes every night.

Okay, well, how about this.

Until Priya gets her own place, you stay
here and I'll stay at your apartment.

Can I bring girls here?

You?

Sure. Bring as many as you want.

Okay, deal.

Just not against their will.

- You think you should be eating that cake?
- Why?

If you're gonna be a trophy husband
for a rich wife...

...you might wanna watch your waistline.

He's right.
A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Yeah. Ha, ha.

First of all,
I'm not threatened by my fianc?e's success.

I'm proud of her.
And secondly, I have my own career.

Eh, until you have kids.

Good news, Raj.

I got the blood work back from the lab.

You're okay to stay for a while.

- When did you take my blood?
- Not important.

Your sugar was a little high.
I'd follow up with your regular physician.

In the meantime, I have some paperwork
here for you to go over.

- What the hell is this?
- Yeah, boilerplate stuff.

A modified roommate agreement
for a temporary house guest.

And a living will
and durable power of attorney.

This says you can make
"end of life" decisions for me.

As your friend,
let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Please sign.

- Did you sign this?
- There's a reciprocity clause.

You get to pull the plug on him too.

Well, that seems fair.

Congratulations
and welcome temporarily aboard.

Here's your ID card,
your key and your lapel pin.

Which Leonard was too cool to wear.

FYI, part of your responsibilities
as roommate pro tem...

...will be to drive me to and from work,
the comic book store, the barber shop...

...and the park for one hour
every other Sunday for fresh air.

Bring a ball or a Frisbee.
You know, something he can chase.

Also, you're tasked
with bringing home all takeout dinners.

Tonight is Thai food.

You'll find the standard order in appendix B
or downloadable from my FTP server.

If you have any questions,
here's the FAQ sheet.

Or if you prefer the human touch...

...I do a live web chat
called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.

No backsies.

Sheldon, dinner.

What is this?

This is the difference
between eating and dining.

Remarkable.

I'm just realizing how much Leonard's
been skating by all these years.

It's not a big thing.

Just think of me
as a brown Martha Stewart.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Sheldon, did you change
your Wi-Fi password again?

Yes, it's, "Penny get your own Wi-fi."
No spaces.

Thanks. Wow.

What's with the fancy spread?

My new roommate
is bending over backwards...

...to ingratiate himself to me.

Uh, nice touch, by the way.

What do you mean?
What happened to Leonard?

The same thing that happened
to Homo erectus.

He was replaced by a superior species.

I'm the new Homo in town.

That came out wrong.

Let me try this again. Where's Leonard?

He's living at my place,
so I'm living here.

You're living here provisionally.

But I must say it's looking good.

Leonard and Priya are living together.
That's big.

No. Origami napkin swans.

That's the headline.

It's a good thing.

So do you know
what kind of research you'll be doing...

...at this pharmaceutical company?

There were a couple
of opportunities available...

...but I volunteered
for the premature ejaculation project.

I mean, it's not like either one of us
has heart disease.

Oh, I almost forgot,
I got you a little present.

Oh, Bernie, no, you didn't have to.

Well, I wanted to. Come on, open it.

You bought me a Rolex?

How much did this cost?

Oh, you let me worry about the money.

I just want my baby
to have pretty things.

- More wine?
- Oh, no, no, I've had way too much already.

Here's an interesting fact about alcohol.

Hit me.

Man is not the only species
that ferments fruit...

...in order to become intoxicated.

Can you guess what the other is?

Hint: Sometimes they pack the alcohol
in their trunks.

Monkeys.

When does a monkey have a trunk?

When a suitcase just won't do.

(LAUGHING)

All right.

It would appear as if alcohol
is playing keep-away with your intelligence.

Good night.

Please note, it is now past 10 p.m.

Per our roommate agreement,
kindly refrain from raucous laughter...

...clinking of glasses,
and celebratory gunfire.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, ahem, explain something to me.

You watch Leonard put up with that guy
for years and years.

What has to break inside your brain
for you to think:

"Oh, Krishna,
I've got to get me some of that"?

It's better than having to wear
noise-canceling headphones...

...in my own apartment.

What? Oh, God, yeah, yeah.

- Leonard's a noisy little dude in the sack.
- Mm.

- Every night.
- Really?

Even during allergy season, when he has
to alternate between kissing and breathing?

It's my sister.
Can we not talk about this anymore?

Yeah, sorry, sorry.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Yeah.

I screwed up.

Leonard's a great guy.
I never should have broken up with him.

Well, uh, to paraphrase Shakespeare:

It's better to have loved and lost
than to stay home every night...

...and download
increasingly shameful pornography.

Oh, you poor baby.

- What's wrong with me, Penny?
- Nothing, nothing.

You know, if we weren't friends...

...and you hadn't brought up
that creepy pornography story...

...l'd be on you like the speed of light
squared on matter to make energy.

Hey, you totally got that right.
E equals MC squared.

I listen.
I have no idea what it means, but I listen.

- To friendship. Ha, ha.
- To friendship.

SHELDON: Would you booze hounds
please stop that infernal clinking?

And the answer was elephant.

LEONARD:
Mm.

Leonard, sweetheart,
we're kissing, not eating hot soup.

Sorry.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

That's my parents on video chat.
Go hide in the bedroom.

Oh, come on,
why don't we just tell them we're dating?

We've been through this, it's not time.

- When is the time?
- I've got five brothers and sisters.

One of them is bound to screw up,
then I'll tell my parents about you.

- Now shoo.
- Fine.

Hello, Mommy. Hello, Daddy.

We heard there was a tornado
in Kansas City.

Is that close to you?

- No.
- Where is your brother?

Oh. Out with his friends.

I don't like it,
a young girl alone in her apartment.

I'll sleep better
when you move back here next month.

- You're moving back to India?
DR. KOOTHRAPPALl: Who is that?

Oh, my God,
there's someone in your apartment.

Call the police in America.

When were you gonna tell me about this?

Oh, hello, Leonard.
What a pleasant surprise.

Mommy, Daddy,
you remember Rajesh's friend Leonard.

I thought Rajesh was out
with his friends.

Oh, he has many friends.

Rajesh has many friends?

Why are you lying to us?

She doesn't want you to know
we're dating.

- Leonard.
- What difference does it make?

If you're moving back to India,
we're obviously breaking up.

You know what?
I don't wanna deal with this right now.

So... hot in India?

Of course it is. It always is. It's India.

Now, what do you have
to say for yourself?

Uh...

That is a beautiful tapestry.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Ugh.

Okay, look, this never happened.
Do you understand me?

Really? Still can't talk to me?

What are you doing here?

- What?
- I said, what are you doing here?

I live here.

I have paperwork that says differently.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Priya's going back to India.
- Irrelevant.

Rajesh and I have a good thing going
and you're not going to ruin it.

What are you doing here?

Been up all night.
I had a fight with Bernadette.

Why?

She gave me a beautiful watch.

Leonard, do you understand this?

- Yes.
- Talk to him.

Damn.

What's going on?

Oh, heh. No. No.

It's not what it looks like. No.

What does it look like?