The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Herb Garden Germination - full transcript

My new book, The Hidden Reality,
takes on a grand question:

Is our universe the only universe?

You see, there's a growing belief
among scientists like me...

...that ours may only be one
among many universes...

...populating a gigantic cosmos.

In The Hidden Reality,
I explore possibility...

...without presuming any knowledge
of mathematics or physics...

...on the part of the reader.

Hysterical.

I'm glad you talked me into this.

We work so hard, sometimes it's nice
to goof off and do something silly.



Agreed.

Wait till you hear how he dumbs down
Werner Heisenberg for the crowd.

You may actually believe
you're in a comedy club.

You can think about Heisenberg's
uncertainty principle...

...much like the special order menu
that you find in Chinese restaurants...

...where you have dishes in column A
and other dishes in column B...

...and if you order the dish in column A,
you can't order the dish in column B.

That's sort of like
the uncertainly principle.

Ba-rum-bum.

Say, I heard an interesting tidbit
about Howard and Bernadette.

Really, Amy? Gossip?

I'm disappointed in you.

Now, now. Evolutionary biologist
Robin Dunbar has identified gossip...

...as an aid to social bonding
in large groups.



Forgive my language, but poppycock.

What if he's right?
And by not participating in gossip...

...society breaks down into feral bands
of tattooed motorcycle riders...

...fighting to the death
over a few cans of tuna fish?

Fine. In the parlance
of the urban music scene:

"What's the 411"?

Bernadette is thinking
about breaking up with Howard.

I believe our nation's
tuna cans are safe.

Excuse me. Ahem. Dr. Greene, question?

Yes?

You've dedicated your life's work
to educating the general populace...

...about complex scientific ideas.

Yes, in part.

Have you ever considered
trying to do something useful?

Perhaps reading to the elderly?

Excuse me?

Yeah, but not your books.
Something they might enjoy.

I kid, of course. Big fan.

- Nice shot.
- Thank you.

My father taught me archery
as a child.

It's odd how the activity
brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.

- Perfect.
- I know.

What an elf I would have made.

- Ooh. What do you think you're doing?
- Shooting a target?

- With what?
- An arrow.

Really? I didn't see you draw one
from your quiver.

I'm not gonna do that, Sheldon.

Leonard, the people at Nintendo
can only go so far...

...in helping us re-create
an actual athletic experience.

We have to do our part too.

That was uncalled for,
but I'll play along. Ow.

I had an unusual experience
with Amy last night.

Really? How could you tell?

She was attempting
to engage me in gossip.

- You don't say.
- Yes.

I think prolonged exposure to Penny has
turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.

So, what's the gossip?

Oh, please, I was just pointing it out.

I have no desire
to engage in the activity.

Fine, don't tell me.

All right, get this.

Bernadette is thinking about
breaking up with Howard.

Oh, that's too bad.
I wonder what happened.

Hard to say. I can only speculate...

...based on data I collected
watching my parents' marriage implode.

In that case, the woman dives
into religion...

...while the man dives
into a bottle-blond bartender...

...who tries to buy my love
with action figures.

Ooh. Out of arrows.

(MAKES POPPING SOUND)

Boy, you sure get your money's worth
out of these games.

- Priya, can I come in?
PRIYA: Sure.

Oh, God.

- What?
- It's okay. You didn't know.

I'll take care of it.

What did I do?

Sheldon doesn't allow flossing
that close to the mirror.

You're kidding.

It's a splatter thing.

There's a piece of tape on the floor
you're supposed to stand behind.

- That's madness.
- I know.

Do it.
There's a big inspection coming up...

...and I don't wanna lose
my TV privileges.

You really need to let me take a look
at that roommate agreement.

I don't know.
I get a lawyer, he gets a lawyer.

It's just easier
to stand behind the tape.

Oh, by the way, a fellow at work said
I could use his Dodger tickets.

- Does that sound like fun?
- Yeah. Dodgers are baseball, right?

You'll need to explain the game
to me.

It's complicated.

But as I remember it,
the essentials are:

Get chosen last, get hit by the ball,
cry, go home.

Well, regardless, I've got four tickets.

I was thinking
we bring Bernadette and Howard.

She's really interesting,
and I bet I can get used to him.

Well, it might not be a great idea
to invite those two.

Why not?

Don't tell anybody I told you,
she might be breaking up with him.

Oh, too bad.

I do know one person
for whom that's good news.

- Really? Who?
- My brother.

He's got a big crush on Bernadette.

What?

You're kidding.

No. I found poems he wrote about her.
Very disturbing.

Oh, Bernadette
Please play my clarinet

- Wow, that's hard to believe.
- Yes.

And for years,
everyone in my family was convinced...

...he was the clarinet enthusiast.

- Hm. What's that piece of tape?
- That one doesn't apply to you. You sit.

- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?

- Hear about Howard and Bernadette?
- I heard. How did you hear about it?

I heard about it from Sheldon.
He got it from Amy.

PENNY: Oh, damn it. I told Amy that
in the strictest confidence.

Boy, some people
are such blabbermouths.

Well, whatever.
I'm sure Bernadette can do better.

Do you think a sexually ambivalent
Indian astrophysicist...

...with mutism and alcohol issues...

...is better than a hundred-pound
Jewish guy who lives with his mom?

You are kidding. Raj likes Bernadette?

I didn't say Raj. Who said Raj?

Okay, give. How do you know?
Did he tell you?

- No.
- Well, then who?

I can't say.

Priya told you. What a little gossip.

Not an attractive quality
in a woman, Leonard.

Not judging, just my opinion.

The point is, if this got out, it would
destroy Howard and Raj's friendship.

You don't have to worry. Unlike Amy
and Priya, I know how to keep a secret.

You told Amy in the first place.

In confidence.

Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.
How are you?

We're very rich in a very poor country.

So all in all, can't complain.

So, Priya, how are you enjoying
staying with your brother?

It's fine. But if I'm going to stay
in Los Angeles much longer...

...I think I should get my own place.
MRS. KOOTHRAPPALl: Why?

Is Rajesh not making you
feel comfortable?

Rajesh, why aren't you
making your sister comfortable?

I am making her comfortable.

Besides, she's not sleeping here
half the time anyw...

(GROANS)

What? Where are you sleeping, Priya?

It's a figure of speech, Daddy.

It means I work late.

Tell me you're not dating an American.
I knew this would happen.

Rajesh, are you letting your sister
date that little Howard boy?

Now, hold on.
If she is dating an American...

...that's not a bad way to go.
He's Jewish.

Those chaps are very successful,
and they don't drink a lot.

It doesn't matter.
Howard has a girlfriend.

- For now.
- What?

I'll tell you later.

Is something going on
with Bernadette?

- Who's Bernadette?
- Doesn't sound Jewish.

You can't tell by that.
Winona Ryder is Jewish.

DR. KOOTHRAPPALI:
Okay, we're getting off the subject.

I want you to try harder
to make your sister feel welcome.

Thank you, Daddy.

Don't worry. Everything I have,
I share with her. Including my friend Le...

Good night, Mummy.
Good night, Daddy.

Oh, my God, I think you broke my toe.

- You should have kept your mouth shut.
- Fair enough.

Now, what's up with clarinet...
Bernadette?

I've been thinking
about Dr. Greene's efforts...

...to make science palatable
for the masses.

Oh, yeah? What about it?

That's all.
I've just been thinking about it.

Now I'm thinking
about fractal equations.

Now I'm thinking about the origin
of the phrase "train of thought."

Now I'm thinking about trains.

Are you listening to this guy?

Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was somewhere else.

Lucky bastard.

Now, I'm thinking about Jell-O.

- So, what's up?
- It's a Bernadette thing.

Oh, no. I hope everything's okay.

Whatever it is, we're here for you.

You can tell us anything.

Yeah. Good or devastating.

- I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
- Marry you?

- What?
- Yeah.

I just need to figure out the right time
to pop the question.

- Oh, I'd wait.
- No rush, no rush.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Oh, great.
It's my cousin David about the ring.

Hey, David, what did you find?

Sure, half a carat's fine.

Her freakishly small hands
make anything look big.

It's one of the reasons I love her.

Man, he's gonna be blindsided.

I know. It'll be awful.

Why are you smiling?

Yeah, Raj, why?

Uh... A smile means something different
in my country.

You know, tears of joy,
smile of sadness.

India's a goofy place.

Oh, I'm back to trains.

Woo-hoo!

Did I tell you our lab got a grant
to study addiction?

- No.
- Fascinating work.

I recently trained a capuchin monkey
to smoke cigarettes.

Have you learned anything?

Yes. He looks much cooler
than the non-smoking monkeys.

It's not much of a contest.

The other monkeys just sit around
and masturbate.

If you don't mind, I'd like
to stop listening to you and start talking.

By all means.

Howard has announced his intention
to propose marriage to Bernadette.

I don't understand.

The original piece of gossip
indicated an impending breakup.

I know. The group consensus is
that his proposal will be met...

...with a humiliating,
soul-crushing rejection.

Everyone was set atwitter.

Although, oddly, no one tweeted.

It's not surprising that the story has
captured the attention of our friends.

- Are you familiar with meme theory?
- I'm familiar with everything, but go on.

Meme theory suggests that items
of gossip are like living things...

...that seek to reproduce
using humans as their host.

I'm no stranger
to memetic epidemiology.

At Johnson Elementary School...

...the phrase "Shelly Cooper's
a smelly pooper" spread like wildfire.

I should think so.

That's gold.

Your meme hypothesis
does intrigue me.

How might we examine this
more closely?

Do you have any ethical qualms
regarding human experimentation?

It's one of the few forms of interaction
with people that I don't find repellent.

We need to fabricate
a tantalizing piece of gossip.

And a second non-tantalizing piece
to use as a control.

Track its progress
through our social group...

...interpret results
through academic prisms...

...of memetic theory, algebraic gossip
and epidemiology.

Look at you, getting me to engage
in the social sciences.

You're a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.

Oh, hey, Amy. What's up?

Sheldon and I engaged in intercourse.

In other news, I'm thinking of starting an
herb garden. Mum's the word. Gotta go.

Oh, hey, Raj,
what are you doing here?

I just felt like drinking alone
because I'm deep and dark.

Uh-huh. So Howard's not here?

No. One of those times
when it's just you and me.

Like when we went to the movies
and waited outside the bathroom...

...while Howard threw up
Red Vines and cherry Coke.

- Do you remember that?
- Yeah.

Me too. Good times.

Hey, 16 wants to order appetizers.

- Oh, thanks.
- This was nice.

What are you doing?
Howard's your best friend.

That is his girlfriend.
Be ashamed of yourself.

I was when I came in, but it's amazing
what liquor does to guilt.

What you might not know is Bernadette
is planning on breaking up with Howard.

- I know. How do you know?
- My sister told me.

Oh, that gossipy bitch.

- No offense.
- None taken.

You should hear
how she talks about you.

Just because Howard and Bernadette
are having problems...

...does not mean
you should be sniffing around.

What can I do?
I can't stop thinking about her.

All right, try thinking about this.

Sheldon and Amy had sex.

Shut your ass.

Yeah, it's true. Amy told me.

How did that even happen?

Did they know that's what they
were doing when they were doing it?

I guess they just figured it out
at some point.

Wow. I can't believe old smelly pooper
finally got laid.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hope you're hungry.

Interesting. A friendly sentiment
in this country...

...cruel taunt in the Sudan.

It's a lesson in context.

Will Amy be joining us for dinner?

Yes, I believe so.

Good, good.

Everything okay between you two?

Yes.

Why do you ask?

No reason. I was just talking to Raj...

...and he mentioned
what a lovely glow she has these days.

Did he mean
as if she'd been out in the sun...

...tending an herb garden
without wearing a hat or sunblock?

No.

That's not what he meant.

Well, we may never know.

As my mother would say,
the Asians are an inscrutable folk.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do.

Yeah, you do. You dog, you.

Did you get that?

Every word. Our false gossip meme
appears to have reached node lambda.

This is moving faster
than we thought.

Agreed. Rate of gossip transmission
is proportional...

...to the number of nodes squared.

I must say, Amy, pretending
to have intercourse with you...

...is giving me a great deal
of satisfaction.

Slow down, Sheldon.
I'm not quite there yet.

- Pass the soy sauce.
HOWARD: Sure.

Bernadette just asked
about my sexual encounter with you.

The meme
has reached full penetration.

Pun intended?

No. Happy accident.

This is remarkable.

Took less than 24 hours.

I should let you know that she asked
for details about our dalliance.

Interesting.

So it went beyond the mere fact
of coitus to a blow-by-blow, as it were.

Pun intended?

I'm sorry. What pun?

Not important.

I described your lovemaking
as aloof, but effective.

I wish you hadn't done that.

That's going to make me
a chick magnet, and I'm so busy as it is.

Hey, everybody, I got something
I wanna ask Bernadette...

...and I can't think of a better time
than when I'm with all my friends.

Oh, hold on, Howard.
There's lots of better times.

Please, the man is talking.

Let him get it out,
and let the chips fall where they may.

Thank you.

Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...

Oh, God. What's happening?

I know things haven't been perfect
with us, and we've had our problems...

...but I just have to tell you...

...from the moment l...
- Howard, stop right here.

This is it.

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, I will marry you.

- You will?
- You will?

I will.

- I will.
- Oh, I love you so much.

Oh, I love you too.

Congratulations.

Oh, it's so exciting.

(SOBBING)

I wonder what changed her mind.

Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess
renewed her faith in love.

As good an explanation as any.

That's great.

Oh, hey, Amy.
Bernadette just texted me.

Howard proposed?

Yes. Just stopped by
to let you know I'm getting orthotics.

Also, I'm carrying Sheldon's baby.
Mum's the word.

You're pregnant?!

Wow, is there anything on there
about orthotics?