The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary - full transcript

All right, Raj has played
his phantom warlord card,

and I am going to back him
up with my strangling vines.

Choke on that, sucka.

Okay, well, then I'll just cut
your vines with my ruby sword.

That's right, I did it. I cut 'em.

Um...

I have a question.

Warlord beats troll, troll beats elf,

elf beats water sprite,

and basically everything
beats enchanted bunny.

Unless you have the carrot power.



Okay, I've got another question.

When does this get fun?

Are we going to talk

or are we going to play
"Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah"?

Just play potion card.

Which one?

It doesn't matter.

You can't possibly win.

Sheldon, don't ruin the game.

How could he ruin the game?

Given the cards that have
already been played,

Penny can only be holding
necromancer potions,

which are only effective against
wraiths and day-walkers,

and there are no more
of either left to be drawn.



The cards remaining in
the undrawn stack are:

four fire weapons, a troll, two
ogres and the jewel of Osiris.

See? Ruined.

Sheldon, that is incredible.

From your vantage point,
it certainly must seem so.

Sheldon has kind of
a photographic memory.

"Photographic" is a misnomer.

I have an eidetic memory,
as I've told you many times.

Most recently last year during lunch

on the afternoon of may seventh.

You had turkey and complained it was dry.

Well, I guess game's over.

Really? Oh, great.

I mean, aw.

Okay, I gotta go.
Why?

Because the last me I didn't go,

I ended up playing
"mystic warlords of ka."

Not "Ka. Ka-ah."

Buh-eye.

See ya.

Still can't believe
she's going out with me.

Nobody can.

That reminds me, I have
a bone to pick with you.

What?

You and I made a pact

that if either of us
ever got a hot girlfriend,

That person would have his girlfriend

hook the other guy up

with one of her girlfriends.

I don't remember that.

June 30th, 2004.

Opening day of spider-man 2
at the AMC Pasadena.

They only had red icees, no blue.

Oh, yeah.

So you've been with Penny for
like a month and a half now.

Where's my shorty, Morty?

Howard, you can't hold me to that.

Why not?

Because when I made that agreement,

I didn't think I'd ever have a hot girlfriend.

And I was positive you never would.

Hey, how come I wasn't
part of this deal?

You had left the refreshment
stand in order to indulge

in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.

Oh, so that's how it works?

I have a teeny bladder and now
I don't get a hot girlfriend?

Yeah, Raj. That's how it works.

Damn.

* our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state *

* then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! *

* the earth began to cool *

* the autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals develop tools *

* we built the wall *
* we built the pyramids *

* math, science, history,
unraveling the mystery *

* that all started with a big bang*

* bang! *

Oh, damn it. Can I have a napkin?

I'm sorry, no.

But you have a whole bunch of 'em.

Yes, I've moved to a four-napkin system.

Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies.

If you like, starting tomorrow,

I'll add a guest napkin,

but I'm afraid there's nothing
I can do for you today.

Good luck. That's the face napkin.

So, have you talked to Penny yet?

No, I haven't.

Why not?

Because I've been busy,
because I haven't figured out

a way to bring it up,

and mostly... and I can't
stress how key this is...

because I don't want to.

Leonard, a pact is a pact.

You have to get Penny to fix me up.

It's not that simple.

What am I supposed to say?

"Penny, do you have any friends

you'd like to never hear from again?"

Come on, I'm smart,

I have good job and I have
only three percent body fat.

It's true.

I've seen him at the beach.

He's like a human chicken wing.

Leonard, come on.

Fine. I'll ask if she has a friend for you.

Hot friend.

Right.

And tall.

I want our kids to be able
to ride space mountain

before they're 20.

I'll see what I can do.

Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today?

I'd imagine you heard
any number of things today.

When you arrived at work you
undoubtedly heard, "hello, Raj."

"How are you, Raj?"

Given that you're wearing
a new sweater-vest,

you may have heard "new sweater-vest?".

And possibly, though far less
likely, "nice sweater-vest."

Why don't I just tell you what i heard today.

That would probably save us some time.

Saturday night at the comic book store,

they're having a "mystic
warlords of ka-ah" tournament.

First prize is $500.

If we team up, we'd be unstoppable.

I'm sorry, Raj, but I have no interest

in playing a game in which I find no challenge.

What about the money?

I have money.

This is other money.

How does it different
from the money I have?

Half of it will be mine.

Do you need it to buy a less
disturbing sweater-vest?

Leonard, help.

Are you kidding?

I couldn't even talk him into giving
one of his freakin' napkins.

Wow, you really are a genius.

Not really.

I googled how to do that.

So, listen... have you ever
made a pact with someone?

Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.

Well, in the first grade,
my friend Rosie and I

made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.

You know, from Sesame Street?

I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.

Knowing fact, we both wanted Ernie.

We didn't speak again until middle school.

Over puppets?

The heart wants what
the heart wants, Leonard.

Okay.

Speaking of what the heart wants...

Um, a long time ago,

I made a pact with Wolowitz
that kind of involves you.

Okay, I don't know where
you're going with this,

but tread carefully because it may be
the last conversation we ever have.

No, no, nothing like that.

The deal was that if either
of us ever got a girlfriend,

we'd have her fix the other one up

with one of her friends.

And you thought a good time to
bring this up be right after sex.

Well, I sure as hell wasn't gonna
bring it up before sex.

And during, I was trying to
remember what I read on google, so...

I'm not hooking Wolowitz up
with one of my friends.

It doesn't have to be a good friend.

And you know that deep down
inside, Howard's a really nice guy.

The problem isn't what's on the inside.

It's the creepy candy coating.

Will you at least think about it?

Just as a favor to me?

Oh, great thing about Ernie,

was he never asked me for anything.

He just gave.

Got it. Got it. Got it.
Got it. Got it. Got it.

Betty and Veronica?

Oh.

Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern
figurine's coming in tomorrow.

Want me to set one aside for you?

Thank you.

You just robbed me of the opportunity

to stumble upon the figurine

and make the oh-so-satisfying journey

from discovery to desire to possession.

All right, I won't set one aside for you.

But I must have it.

Okay, I'll set one aside for you.
Thank you.

You know, I can buy
all these things online.

I come here for the personal service.

Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up

For the mystic warlords tournament.

The Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?

Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer.

Excuse me.

Are you saying that Wil Wheaton
aka Ensign Wesley Crusher

on Star Trek: The next generation

is going to be participating
in your tournament?

Oh, I'm sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity
to stumble onto that for yourself?

You don't understand.

Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton?

Wesley Crusher had an eidetic
memory just like me.

Ooh, what a coincidence.

Maybe you can discuss this with him
while you're playing in the tournament.

Sign here.
I was such a fan

that in 1995, I traveled ten hours by bus

to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi,

wearing my star flee
academy cadet uniform

in order to meet Wil Wheaton

and get him to autograph

my mint in-package Wesley
Crusher action figure..

Ooh, it'll be like a reunion then.

Sign here.

My arduous journey, however,

was for naught.

Although advertised to appear,
he did not show up.

It was at that moment, I vowed
eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.

Okay, great, you can
tell him you hate him.

Sign here.

It might also interest you
to know that Wil Wheaton

currently ranks sixth on
my a-time enemies list...

right between director Joel Schumacher,

Who nearly destroyed
the Batman movie franchise,

and Billy Sparks,

who lived down the street from me

and put dog poop on the
handles of my bicycle.

Okay, I get it. He's a bad guy.

Sign here.

In the words of khan noonn singh

in the immortal wrath of Khan, "he tasks me.

He tasks me and I shall have him."

No doubt, sign here.

From hell's heart, I stab at thee."

All right, Raj, looks
like you're teamed up

with "die, Wil Wheaton, die."

So, tell me more about the
future mother of my children.

She's adorable, Howard.

I think you'll like her.

Great.

So what did you tell her about me?

Did you mention the body fat?

No, I thought that would be
a nice surprise for her.

Good, good.

I just told her you're
an aerospace engineer,

you speak five languages...

six if you count Klingon.

Girls don't count Klingon, Howard.

Right?

Right.

Oh. And I told her you have

an unhealthy attachment to your mother.

What?

I'm kidding.

Another delightful surprise for her.

Sheldon, it's your play.

Sheldon.

My enchanted troll bludgeons
your screaming harpy

with a cursed mace. Game.

Sorry, boys.

Say hi to your mother
when she picks you up.

Or I could just tell her later tonight!

We pawned them, dude! Up top!

Look at him.

Wil Wheaton, my old friend.

I have chased you 'round the moons of Nibia

and 'round the Antares maelstrom
and 'round perdition's flames!

You know, you keep quoting Wrath of Khan,

but he was in next generation.

It's a totally different set of characters.

Silence!

How much longer must I wait for my revenge?

Well, if Wil Wheaton
and Stuart win their match

and we beat lonely Larry
and captain sweatpants

in the next round,

we'll face off for the championship.

So, my path to satisfaction is blocked

by lonely Larry and captain sweatpants.

Very well.

They must be destroyed.

Dude, you have to stop talking like that.

It's really lame.

Silence!

So, Penny tells me you're
working as a waitress

to put yourself through grad school.

That's pretty great.
What are you studying?

Microbiology.

Oh, cool. So you could study me.

I don't understand.

Microbiology is the study
of tiny living things.

I know, I'm studying it.

And I said you could study me
'cause I'm a tiny living thing.

It's a joke.

Are you sure?

Do you like science-fiction?

No.

Role-playing games?

Like in the bedroom or
like Dungeons and Dragons?

Either.

No.

Gonna be a long night.

Well, it's your fault.

I had to ask. You didn't have to say yes.

You like magic?

Not really.

Okay.

I play my endless serpent.
Raj will play ecstatic frenzy,

which means Larry will have
to play chaos overlord.

Then captain sweatpants, molten river.

I play nightshade dryad.
Game, set and match.

Now fetch me Wil Wheaton!

Bot-tash bir jab-loo-di rekh kkhakkh-o ny!

Did that guy just say

"revenge is a dish best
served cold" in Klingon?

I believe so.

What is wrong with him?

Everyone has a different theory.

How about computers?

Do you like computers?

I use them. I don't like them.

Okay...

Puppies? Where do you stand on puppies?

A puppy once bit my face.

Of course it did.

How about that? Einstein was wrong.

What?

Approaching the speed of light

doesn't slow down time.

Approaching them does.

Excuse me.

Oh, damn. It's my mother.

Are you going to answer it?

I'm torn.

She might be dying, and, you know,

I wouldn't want to miss that.

On the other hand,

if I let it go to voicemail,
I could play it over and over.

I know how you feel.
My mother makes me crazy.

Not as crazy as my mother makes me.

Oh, yeah?

Does your mother call
you every day at work

to see if you've had a healthy lunch?

My mother calls me at work

to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Okay, well, does she lay out

your clothes for you in the morning

like you're nine years old?

You live with your mother?

No. That's the sad part.

Ooh, rough.

Okay, check this out.

My mother made me wear
rubber gloves to kindergarten

so I wouldn't pick up a disease
from the other children.

That's nothing.

I couldn't ride a bicycle

'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump

and lose my virginity.

Oh, wow.

You didn't, did you?

Not on a bicycle.

In a camry.

Oh!

Corolla!

More wine?
I'd love some.

Listen, you have to come

to shabbat dinner
at my house sometime.

Why?

A catholic girl like you

wearing a big cross like that

might just give my mother
the big brain aneurysm

I've been hoping for.

Okay, but only if you come

to Sunday dinner at my
house wearing a yarmulke.

It's a date.

Am I a matchmaker or what?

Lava serpent.

Nest of snakes.

Underworld guardian.

Underworld guardian.

We skirmish to the death.

Invisibility spell.

Luminescence spell.

Water nymph.

Fire demon.

Two-headed tiger.

Three-headed lion.

Sulphur.

Brimstone.

Problem, Wil Wheaton?

Hang on.

You're holding two moderate spell cards,

a small rock and a potion of Zancor,

which will be about as much help

as an air conditioner
on the ice planet Hoth.

Your only move is to play the potion,

lose the skirmish,

and two moves later, the game.

I think he's got me.

The year was 1995.

The place: Jackson, Mississippi.

Having spent ten hours on a bus,

during which I had to twice violate

my personal rule against relieving myself

on board a moving vehicle...

I finally arrived

at the fourth annual
Dixie-Trek convention

only to find that my idol
Wil Wheaton decided he had

better things to do than to show
up and sign my action figure.

What?

You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton.
Now I have my revenge.

You went to the '95 Dixie-Trek?

Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died,

and I had to go to her funeral.

Your mee-maw died?

That's terrible.

Yeah, it was.

But I'm really sorry
that I disappointed you.

No, no, I understand.

Anything happened to my mee-maw,

I'd be one inconsolable moon pie.

I should clarify that statement

by explaining that she calls me "moon pie."

It's special relationship, isn't it,

between a boy and his grandmother?

Oh, yes.

Okay, great, everybody
loves their grandmas!

Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off!

It's okay, Sheldon.

I let you down.

I deserve it.

Potion of Zancor.

What are you waiting for?!

Kill Wil Wheaton!

From hell's heart, stab at him!

I can't.

Sure you can. Do it! Do it!

No.

I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton,

the man who destroyed my dreams.

But I can't defeat Wil Wheaton,
the man who loved is mee-maw.

Enchanted bunny.

No! Not enchanted bunny!

I call my mee-maw "nana."

And she's going be very happy

to hear that my small rock
kills your enchanted bunny.

Game over, moon pie.

I... I... I don't understand.

Your grandmother's alive?

Oh, you catch on quick.

Come on, Stewie, let's get our prize money.

That was fun.

Wheaton!

Wheaton! Wheaton!