The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Wheaton Recurrence - full transcript

I just want you both to know,

when I publish my findings,
I won't forget your contributions.

- Great.
- Thanks.

Of course, I can't mention you
in my Nobel acceptance speech,

but when I get around
to writing my memoirs,

you can expect a very effusive footnote
and perhaps a signed copy.

We have to tell him.

Tell me what?

Damn his Vulcan hearing.

You fellows are planning a party
for me, aren't you?

Okay, Sheldon, sit down.



If there's going to be a theme,
I should let you know

that I don't care for luau, toga
or "under the sea."

Yeah, we'll keep that in mind.
Look...

We need to talk to you about something
that happened at the North Pole.

If this is about the night
the heat went out,

there's nothing to be
embarrassed about.

- It's not about that.
- We agreed to never speak of it again.

So we slept together naked.

It was only to keep our core body
temperatures from plummeting.

He's speaking about it.

For me, it was a bonding moment.

Sheldon, you remember
the first few weeks

we were looking
for magnetic monopoles

and not finding anything



and you were acting
like an obnoxious, giant dictator?

We were gonna be gentle with him.

That's why I added the "tator."

And when we finally
got our first positive data,

you were so happy.

In the world of emoticons,
I was colon, capital "D."

Well, in actuality,
what your equipment detected

wasn't so much evidence
of paradigm-shifting monopoles

as it was...

static from the electric can opener
we were turning on and off.

He just went colon, capital "O."

- You tampered with my experiment?
- We had to.

It was the only way to keep you
from being such a huge Dickensian.

You see that? I add the "ensian. "

Did Leonard know about this?

Leonard's my best friend in the world.
Surely Leonard didn't know.

It was his idea.

Of course it was.
The whole plan reeks of Leonard.

- I missed you so much.
- I missed you, too.

I couldn't think of anyone else
while you were gone.

Me, neither.

Except for one night
when the heat went out.

Long story. Don't ask.

Do not make a sound.

Whispering,
"Do not make a sound... "

is a sound.

Damn his Vulcan hearing.

Not a good time, Sheldon.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

- What?
- Hello.

I realize you're currently at the mercy
of your primitive biological urges,

but as you have an entire lifetime
of poor decisions ahead of you,

may I interrupt this one?

Great to see you too.
Come on in.

Wolowitz has informed me
of your grand deception.

Do you have anything
to say for yourself?

Yes, I feel terrible about it.

I will never forgive myself,
I don't expect you to, either,

and I would really appreciate it
if you would leave me with Penny

for a session of self-criticism
and repentance.

Can someone please tell me
what's going on here?

What's going on is
I was led to believe

I was making
groundbreaking strides in science,

when in fact, I was being

fed false data at the hands
of Wolowitz, Koothrappali

and your furry little boy toy.

Is that true?

It was the only way
to make him happy.

Make him happy?

When he wasn't happy,
we wanted to kill him.

There was even a plan.

We were going to throw
his Kindle outside,

when he went to get it, lock the door

and let him freeze to death.

That seems like a bit
of an overreaction.

The overreaction
was the plan to tie your limbs

to four different sled dog teams
and yell, "Mush. "

We kept the original data.

You can still publish
the actual results.

Yes, but the actual results
are unsuccessful

and I've already sent an e-mail
to everyone at the university

explaining that I have
confirmed string theory

and forever changed
man's understanding of the universe.

Aw, see, yeah, you probably
shouldn't have done that.

So write another e-mail.
Set the record straight. No big deal.

You're right, Leonard.

It's not a big deal.

All you did was lie to me,
destroy my dream

and humiliate me
in front of the whole university.

That, FYI, was sarcasm.

I, in fact,
believe it is a big deal.

The poor thing.

- Yeah, I feel terrible.
- Wait. Wait.

Aren't you going to go talk to him?

He'll be fine. The guy's a trouper.
Come here.

You're right, you shouldn't talk to him.
I will.

Man, I cannot catch a break.

Do you want to talk?

About what?

Being betrayed by my friends?

Spending three months
at the North Pole for nothing?

And I didn't even get
to go to Comic-Con!

Oh, hon...

Soft kitty, warm kitty

That's for when I'm sick.
Sad is not sick.

Sorry.
I don't know your sad song.

I don't have a sad song.
I'm not a child.

You know, I do understand
what you're going through.

Really?

Did you just have the Nobel Prize
in waitressing stolen from you?

Well, no, but when I was a senior
in high school,

one of my friends heard
I was gonna be named head cheerleader.

I was so excited.

My mom even made me
a celebration pie.

Then they named stupid
Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader.

Big ol' slutbag.

Are you saying

that you think a "celebration pie"

is even remotely
comparable to a Nobel Prize?

They're pretty tasty.

And on a different,
but not unrelated topic,

based on your current efforts
to buoy my spirits,

do you truly believe
that you were ever fit

to be a cheerleader?

Look, Sheldon, I just don't think
that the guys and Leonard

really meant to hurt you.

They just told an unfortunate lie
to deal with a difficult situation.

You know what it's like?

Remember that scene in the new Star Trek
when Kirk has to take over the ship,

so he tells Spock all that stuff
he knew wasn't true,

like saying
Spock didn't care his mom died?

I missed Comic-Con
and the New Star Trek movie!

- I like the new look.
- Thanks.

I call it "the Clooney."

I call it "the Mario and Luigi,"
but whatever.

How's Sheldon doing?

He came out of his room this morning
wearing his Darth Vader helmet

and tried to choke me to death
with the force,

so I'd say, "a little better."

If I may abruptly change the subject,
did you and Penny finally... You know.

Personally, I don't care,
but my genitals wanted me to ask.

Tell your genitals what I do with Penny
is none of their business.

He says they didn't do it.

Sheldon, over here.

What are you doing?

I feel bad for the guy.

Sheldon, why are you
sitting by yourself?

Because I am without friends.

Like the proverbial cheese,
I stand alone.

Even while seated.

Come on. We said we were sorry.

It's going to take more
than an "I'm sorry"

and a store-bought
apology pie from Penny

to make up
for what you've done to me.

Read your retraction email.

Way to destroy your reputation.

You see?

People have been pointing
and laughing at me all morning.

That's not true.

People have been pointing
and laughing at you your whole life.

I've had enough.

Attention, everyone.

I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

As many of you
in the physics department might know,

my career trajectory
has taken a minor detour.

Off a cliff.

My credibility
may have been damaged...

Completely wrecked.

But I would like to remind you
that in science,

there's no such thing as failure.

There once was a man

who referred to his prediction
of a cosmological constant

as the single "biggest blunder"
of his career.

That man's name was...
surprise, surprise...

Albert Einstein.

Yeah, but research into dark energy

proved that Einstein's
cosmological constant

was actually right all along,
so you're still...

surprise, surprise...

A loser.

You think you're so clever.

Let me just tell you,

while I do not currently
have a scathing retort,

you check your e-mail
periodically for a doozy.

So much for our friendship
with Sheldon.

We'll always have the night
the heat went out.

Since we got interrupted last night,

I didn't have a chance
to give you this.

You shouldn't have.

Oh, boy!

What is it?

It's a snowflake.

From the North Pole.

Are you serious?

It's eternal.

I preserved it in a one percent solution
of polyvinyl acetal resin.

That's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me

that I didn't understand.

It's actually a simple process.

Cyanoacrylates are monomers
which polymerize on...

Red alert, Leonard.
Sheldon ran away.

Man, I cannot catch a break.

So, how do you know he ran away?

Well, he's not answering his phone,

he handed in his
resignation at the university

and he sent me a text
that said, "I'm running away."

Thanks for letting me know.

Aren't you going to do something?

Of course I'm going to do something.

Howard, you check the comic book store.
Raj, go to the thai restaurant.

I'll stay here with Penny
in her apartment.

Oh, damn it.

It's Sheldon's mother.

A break cannot be caught.

Hi, Mrs. Cooper.

He is?
Sheldon went home to Texas.

Yeah, no, I know he resigned.

I guess it kind of is our fault.

No, you're right.
Someone needs to come talk to him.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

All right.

New plan.

Howard, you and Raj go to Texas.
I'll stay with Penny in her apartment.

You're not gonna go with them?

Well, you know,
I gave you the snowflake

and we were kissing and...

Come on,
I don't want to go to Texas!

Oh, right, and I do?
My people already crossed a desert once.

We're done.

Trust me, you'll be fine. See ya.

Well, wait a second, Leonard.

Come on, how can you not go?
He's your best friend.

Yeah, but I already saw him naked.
Just come here.

I promise I will be here
when you get back.

Just go help Sheldon.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We waited a few months.
We can wait a few more days.

Maybe you can.

Go.

Boy, you cannot
catch a break, can you?

Here you go, Shelly.

Thanks, Mom.

Hold your horses, young man.

Here in Texas,
we pray before we eat.

Aw, Mom.

This is not California,
land of the heathen.

Gimme.

By His hand we are all...

... fed.

Give us, Lord, our daily...

... bread.

- Please know that we are truly...
- ... grateful.

- For every cup and every...
- ... plateful.

Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

My objection was based
on considerations

other than difficulty.

Whatever.
Jesus still loves you.

Thank you for carving a smiley face
in my grilled cheese sandwich.

Oh, I know
how to take care of my baby.

His eyes came out a little thin,
but you can just pretend he's Chinese.

So, do you want to talk about

what happened with you
and your little friends?

- They're not my friends.
- All right.

If you recall, when you were little,

we sat right here at this very spot

and we talked about the problems

you had getting along
with the neighbor kids.

That was different.

They were threatened
by my intelligence

and too stupid to know
that's why they hated me.

Oh baby, they knew very well
why they hated you.

I can't believe
you bought a red cowboy hat.

Hello?
I'm wearing a red turtleneck.

Plus, it was the only boys' large
they had.

I'm sorry,
this does not look like Texas.

Where's the tumbleweeds?
Whe's the saloons?

Saloons?

Like in the movies
I saw growing up in India.

You know, Four for Texas,
Yellow Rose of Texas.

This neighborhood is more
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I was really hoping
to see a cattle drive.

What can I tell you?

They probably have steaks on sale
at that big-ass Costco over there.

Will you please
take that stupid hat off?

No, I want to blend in.

To what? Toy Story?

- Hi, boys.
- Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy to you, too.
You got here quick.

- We took the red-eye.
- Well, come on in.

Thank you kindly.

- Can I get you something to drink?
- No, thank you.

If y'all don't mind,
I got a hankerin' for a Lone Star beer.

There's no alcohol in this household.
Stop talking like that and lose the hat.

Sorry. I'll take a diet Yoo-Hoo
if you have it.

You'll take a cola.

What about you?
Radge, isn't it?

You still having trouble
talking to the ladies?

Because, at our church,

we have a woman
who's an amazing healer.

Mostly she does
crutch and wheelchair people,

but I bet she'd be willing
to take a shot

at whatever Third World demon
is running around inside of you.

If you don't mind,

there's a 3:05 nonstop
back to Los Angeles

and you have no idea
how much I want to be on it.

- A girl?
- Uh, yes, ma'am.

Oh, good.
I been praying for you.

- What are they doing here?
- We came to apologize.

- Again.
- And bring you home.

Why don't you pack up your stuff
and we'll head back?

No, this is my home now.

Thanks to you, my career is over

and I will spend
the rest of my life here in Texas

trying to teach evolution
to creationists.

You watch your mouth, Shelly.

Everyone's entitled
to their opinion.

Evolution isn't an opinion,
it's fact.

And that is your opinion.

I forgive you.
Let's go home.

Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

How about that?
I finally caught a break.

You know how they say
when friends have sex,

it can get weird?

Sure.

Why does it have to get weird?

I don't know.

I mean,

we were friends,
and now we're more than friends.

We're whatever "this" is.

But why label it, right?
I mean...

It is what it is and...

- Leonard? It's weird.
- Totally.