The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Psychic Vortex - full transcript

Look at us. Getting ready for a double date

with actual women who publicly acknowledge

they're our girlfriends.

Yes, actual women are the best.

I don't understand.

What other kind of women are there?

Howard, artificial women
are your department.

You want to take this?

No, it would just freak him out.

Listen, before we leave,

I should warn you, I'm a passionate man



and I tend towards public
displays of affection.

What are you trying to tell me, Howard?

There might be some making out
in the car or the restaurant,

and I don't want Bernadette
to feel uncomfortable,

so it would help if you
and Penny made out, too.

Don't worry.

We're planning to have sex
right on the salad bar.

Namaste, white people.

Good news!

I rented us the fou
r-hour edition of Watchmen.

Got it. Seen it.

Detailed analysis posted online.

Well, then what are we going to do tonight?

Uh, sorry, Raj.



Howard and I are going out to dinner

with Penny and Bernadette. Yeah.

No more carefree bachelor
nights for me and Leonard.

These broncos have been saddled.

How did we get actual women?

Great.

They get girlfriends,
and they just abandon us?

It is great, isn't it?

We have a wonderful evening
ahead of us. We do?

Oh, yes. I just discovered I don't have

enough room on my hard drive
for a Linux partition,

so you and I are going
to perform a full backup,

reinitialize and then reinstall
all my operating systems.

I don't want to do that.

All right.

Well, I'm going to perform full backup,

reinitialize and then reinstall
all my operating systems.

What about me?

Well, I understand

there are several types of artificial women.

Maybe you should look into that.

* Our whole universe was
in a hot, dense state *

* Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! *

* The Earth began to cool *

* The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools *

* We built the Wall * *
We built the pyramids *

* Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery *

* That all started with a big bang *

Sync by Drou

Dude, there's so many cool things

we could be doing tonight. Look.

At the Glendale Galleria,

"Put on your best zoot suit,

"it's a salute to Swing music
in the center court near Macy's.

5:00 p.m. to 9 p.m."

Huh? Huh?

Sounds like a hoot.

I'm sorry, Raj,

I have no desire to salute any
article of clothing tonight.

Much less one that's linked
to race riots in the 1940s.

Race riots?

The zoot suit riots.

Oh.

I always thought that was some
sort of after-Christmas sale.

Well, then why don't we just go
to the galleria and walk around?

But I don't need anything at the Galleria.

Do you need anything at the Galleria?

No. We would just walk
around and see what's what.

That's a semantically null sentence.

Okay, well, how about this?

From the university Web site:

7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m.,
Norton Hall Multipurpose Room,

"mixer for grad students and faculty

"of the science and humanities departments.

"Whether you split atoms or infinitives,

this is the place to be."

Well, that's certainly amusing, but...

I have no interest.

Come on, Sheldon,

the world is filled with
people doing things outside.

Let's go outside.

Outside is good.

If outside is so good,
why has mankind spent thousands of years

trying to perfect inside?

I don't know, it's a marketing scheme.

Please, Sheldon, I'm a young,

virile visitor from a foreign land

and I need to strut my stuff.

Let me offer you a compromise.

Sometimes when I feel stifled
and want a change of scenery,

I use my imagination.

Oh, boy.

One of my favorite places

to visit is the two-dimensional world

described in Edwin Abbott's
mathematical fantasy,

"Flatland."

I don't want to go to Flatland.

You're only saying that because
you haven't been there.

I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space

and can only perceive the
edges of other objects.

Oy.

Is that you, Raj?

I don't recognize your edge.

Sheldon, I'm begging you.

I want to go to this mixer,
and I don't want to go alone.

Well, you're in luck.

There's a mixer here in Flatland.

Oh, look, there's a sexually
attractive line segment.

You should chat her up.

What? Tell her you're a circle.

Flatland gals are all hot for circles.

I hope you're hungry, Bernadette.

We're going to a terrific restaurant.

Oh, yeah, I'm starved.

When you spend all day in a bio-lab,

watching flesh-eating bacteria
skeletonize small rodents,

it really works up an appetite.

Flesh-eating bacteria.

And yet, I still want to kiss this woman.

What does that tell you?

That you'd be willing
to die a horrible death

on the off-chance you'd get to second base?

Oh, we're way past second base.

Right, Howard?

Well, we kind of disagree

about what the bases are.

How's your work going, Penny?

Any acting jobs?

Well, the last big thing
I did was this production

of Diary of Anne Frank above
a bowling alley.

But I think things might be
turning around pretty soon.

Great. How come?

Well, promise you won't make fun of me.

Of course, I would never make fun of you.

Okay.

Well, I went to this psychic who
told me that if I cut my hair,

I'm going to get a national commercial.

Wh... Seriously?

You're getting career advice from a psychic?

Good job not making fun of her.

She's not one of those phonies, okay.

She wrote a book and has her own Web site.

Oh, gee, why didn't you say so?

They don't let just anyone have a Web site.

Why are you being such a jerk?

You're surprised?

Your psychic tell you I
was going to be a jerk?

Bite me.

Come on, Penny.

Why don't you kids go ahead and chat?

We're gonna make out back here.

I'm sliding into third.

Thanks for coming with me.

Thanks for giving me

your limited edition Green Lantern
lantern.

Did you really have to bring it in with you?

What if evil strikes and
my power ring runs low?

Come on, let's get a drink. I don't drink.

Yeah, well I do.

And when my wingman is carrying
a Green Lantern lantern,

I drink a lot.

I'll have a screwdriver, please.

Don't be chintzy with the screw.

I would like a root beer float.

Sheldon, they don't have ice cream.

They don't?

Well, apparently,
these people and I differ greatly

on the definition of "party."

He'll have a Shirley Temple.

And don't be chintzy with the Shirley.

Okay,

let's check out the females.

All right.

There's a female.

That's Professor Wilkinson's wife.

She's like 80 years old.

But she's female.

Isn't that the game? No.

I'm looking for a hookup.

Oh, yes.

So, the point of this exercise is

for you to find someone to copulate with?

Not so loud,

but ideally, yes.

Thanks.

Thank you.

And what is my function as "wingman?"

You help me run my game.

Okay.

What is your game?

When I lie through my teeth to a woman,

you nod and agree.

Hey, that's pretty cool.

What is it?

It's a limited edition

Green Lantern lantern.

My friend is looking for
someone to copulate with.

You're very funny.

I'm Abby.

I'm Sheldon. How do you do?

Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.

Call me Raj. Hi, Raj.

Where are you from?

The mysterious subcontinent of India.

Ooh, India.

You know India? I saw Slumdog
Millionaire.

Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.

I thought your father was a gynecologist.

I'm sorry.

Martha, come here.

Meet Raj and Sheldon.

This is my friend, Martha. Hi.

Hello. Hello.

Is that the limited edition

Green Lantern lantern?

"In brightest day, in darkest night,

no evil shall escape my sight."

Oh, that is so awesome.

Thank you.

Have you chosen one to copulate with?

So, what should we talk about?

Well, we could always learn more

about why people who believe
in psychics are idiots.

Leonard?

Oh, we don't need to
talk about that anymore.

Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.

I'm sorry, but facts are facts.

Right, and if you can't understand it,

it's not a fact.

No, if it's not a fact, it's not a fact.

Oh, got it.

Thank you for educating me.

You're welcome.

How's your fish?

Amazing.

Would you like to try some?

Yeah, sure. Well, the fact is,

you can't.

Come on, Howard, Bernadette,
you're both scientists.

Help me out here.

What do you think-- want to jump

right in the middle of
another couple's argument?

No, thank you.

Sorry.

Maybe we should just
stop talking about this.

Maybe some of us should
stop talking altogether.

How is everything tonight?

Really uncomfortable.

You know, the best thing
about being in a committed,

monogamous, mutually supportive relationship

is that even if you have different ideas,

you can have a spirited debate,
yet still care for,

even make love with...

Want your fish?

I knew you were going to do that.

Doesn't make me psychic!

Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse.

* American woman *

* Listen what I say... *

What's going on?

We scored.

I'm the wingman.

* American woman. *

Hey.

Laser. Had a great night last night.

I don't like to kiss and tell,

but somebody made it to eighth base.

What the hell is eighth base?

Seventh base with shirt off.

Well, my shirt.

How'd things go

with Penny?

Oh... couldn't be better.

Are we taking

our relationship frustrations
out on innocent Cylons?

It's not just Cylons.

Superman's next.

All right, I was going to try to squeeze in

a little more mocking before lunch,

but I can come back later

when you don't have a high-powered weapon.

How can I go out with a woman
who believes in psychics?

Hey, I once dated a girl

who believed she was abducted by aliens.

And that didn't bother you?

Au contraire.

It meant she was gullible and
open to a little probing.

What am I supposed to do,

pretend I believe something I
don't whenever I'm with Penny?

Hey, I'm sure Penny fakes
all kinds of things

when she's with you.

Do me a favor-- lean over,
put your head right here.

Let me show you another way to look at this.

Here we have the universe of all women.

These are the ones

you want to sleep with.

These are the women who believe
exactly what you believe.

These are the women who would
be willing to sleep with you.

And right there in the
little triple intersection...

is your ideal mate.

Odds are she's a short
physicist with low self-esteem

who lives in a government
research facility in China.

What's your point?

In order to keep having a
sexual relationship with Penny,

I have to give up everything I believe in--

my intellectual integrity, the very nature

of who I am?

I can't do that, Howard.

I respect that.

What is that?

Your new girlfriend.

Have fun tonight.

The dog...

koira.

The roof...

katto.

Grapes...

ryp?leet.

One minute.

Sis??n.

What was that?

It means "come in."

It's taking forever to load

the new operating system on my computer.

I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom,

and now I thought I'd learn Finnish.

That's Hindi for

"Whatever floats your boat."

Uh, listen, I got a text
from that girl Abby,

and she and her friend Martha
want to hang out with us again.

What do you say?

I don't say anything.

I merely offer you a facial expression

that suggests you've gone insane.

I don't get it.

You had a great time.

Yes, exactly, I had a great time.

That's done; I've moved on to other things.

For example, after I learn Finnish,

I'm not going to learn Finnish again.

Please, Sheldon, I'm a lost Indian boy

far from home, and I want a girlfriend

and I want her to be Abby,

and she'll only come over
if she can bring Martha.

Raj, I highly doubt there is
any argument you can make,

threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy,

plea, invocation,

supplication, or... vetoomus

that you can employ that would
convince me to reconsider.

My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan
Lee.

Oh, my.

I've admired these for years.

So does that mean we can
go with the girls again?

Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!

You can't wear the hands on the date.

Hulk sad.

Hey.

Cleaning out the old dryer lint, huh?

Not only is it courteous,

it's safety smart.

Every year, 15,000 fires are caused

by accidental dryer lint ignition.

Now you're supposed to say,

"Wow, what an interesting fact.

"Come here, you crazy, nerdy guy.

I could never be mad at you."

Wow, that's all you got

after you were the most obnoxious person

on a double date that
included Howard Wolowitz?

No, I'm sorry.

I really am. It's not right

to mock what a person believes in.

Thank you.

Would you be willing to go to my psychic

and see what it's all about?

Would you be willing to read a book

that concisely explains how
all psychics are frauds?

I would not.

Okay, let's go see your psychic.

Really?

Well, yeah, one of us has
to keep an open mind.

You saying I don't have an open mind?

No, n-not at all.
Let me help you with this stuff.

You know, I believe in ghosts, too.

Great. And astrology.

I know, and pyramid power
and healing crystals.

Oh, no, no, no, crystals don't work.

Really, that's the line?

Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?

Oh, voodoo's real.

You don't want to mess with voodoo.

Flatland is more than just a
mathematical essay.

It is also a treatise on
Victorian social mores.

You know, I had never considered that.

Wow, that's going to

completely change my visits there.

Well, it's late.

Uh-huh.

Time for bed.

Okay.

Good night, puny human!

Sheldon?

Yes?

Listen, they're kind of

getting busy in the living room, and...

I was wondering if I could
hang out in here for a while.

Well, I suppose.

Come in.

I'll sleep in Leonard's room. Good night.

Sync by Drou