The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Gorilla Experiment - full transcript

Hey, Leonard, check this out.

Leonard, she's doing it again.

I think it upsets Sheldon
when you play with the food.

No, it upsets Sheldon when she
willy-nilly takes it from the containers...

...without regard
for its equitable distribution.

This is essentially
why you have famine in India.

You want me to put it back?

- Leonard?
- It upsets Sheldon...

...when you play with the Sheldon.

What's up, my nerdizzles?

Raj, Sheldon, I want you
to meet my girlfriend, Bernadette.



- Hello.
- Leonard, Penny.

- You know my girlfriend, Bernadette.
- Yeah. Hey.

Bernadette,
say "fo'shizzle" to my nerdizzles.

I don't think I can.

I don't have Howard's street cred.

I hope it's all right, I told Bernadette
she could join us for dinner.

- Sure. The more, the merrier.
- No, that's a false equivalency.

More does not equal merry.

If there were 2000 people in this apartment,
would we be celebrating?

No, we'd be suffocating.

- Sheldon.
- Don't "Sheldon" me.

- We ordered for five people, not six.
- It's fine.

We'll put it on the table, family-style.

Oh, sure. Why don't we put our hands
behind our backs...



...have an old-fashioned
eating contest?

Relax. It'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.

No.
- What?

Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.

- Why not?
- That's where Sheldon sits.

He can't sit somewhere else?

In the winter, that seat's close enough
to the radiator...

...so he's warm
yet not so close that he sweats.

In the summer,
it's in the path of a breeze...

...created by opening windows there.

It faces the television at an angle
that isn't direct so he can talk...

...yet not so wide
that the picture looks distorted.

Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

- I love your shoes.
- Oh, thanks. They are cute, aren't they?

- Where'd you get them?
- Shoes for Less.

- I've been meaning to go over there.
- Oh, great selection, great prices.

My mother was right. Hell is real.

Come on, Sheldon,
let the women-folk chat.

Women-folk?

Gals? Chicks?

Utero-Americans?

- Just eat your dinner.
- Don't take him too seriously.

A lot of what he says
is intended as humor.

Yeah, well,
I don't think it's very funny.

Me neither,
but he just lights up when I laugh.

Howard, never let her go.

Leonard, Howard says you're working on
fundamental tests...

- ... of quantum mechanics.
- I am. Are you interested in physics?

I find it fascinating.

If I hadn't gone into microbiology...

...I probably would have gone
into physics or ice dancing.

My tests of the Aharonov-Bohm
quantum interference effect...

...have reached an interesting point.

We're testing phase shift
due to electric potential.

- That's amazing.
Yes.

Leonard's work is nearly
as amazing as third graders...

...growing lima beans
in wet paper towels.

While I appreciate the "oh, snap"...

...I'm uncomfortable having
your moist breath in my ear.

Are you going to try to set up
the voltages using tunnel junctions?

Yes, I am.

- Wanna see a simulation on my laptop?
- Oh, yeah. Show me.

In microbiology, the most exciting thing
I get to work with is yeast.

Howard?
- Yeah?

Your shoes are delightful.

Where did you get them?

- What?
- Buzzinga. I don't care.

Ha-ha. Eat my dust,
racially stereotypical plumber.

That's not fair.
I got stuck behind a tree.

And a cow and a penguin.

Face it, dude, whether it's a real car
or a virtual cartoon car, you can't drive.

- Just need a little more practice.
- What you need is cheat codes...

...motor skills and a genie
who grants wishes...

...to little boys
who suck at "Mario Kart. "

Sheldon,
can I talk to you for a second?

It's not about shoes, is it?

I don't think
I could go through that again.

- It's not about shoes.
- Then speak.

- Um, actually, can we do it in private?
- All right.

Go away.

I agree, it's rude,
but she asked for privacy.

Thanks, Raj.
Okay, so here's the thing.

I was wondering if you could
maybe teach me a little physics.

- A little physics?
- Yeah.

There's no such thing.
Physics encompasses the entire universe.

From quantum particles to supernovas.

From spinning electrons
to spinning galaxies.

Okay, cool,
I don't need the PBS special.

I wanna know enough
so I can talk to Leonard about his job.

Like Bernadette does.

- Why can't Leonard teach you?
- Because I wanna surprise him.

Can't you surprise him
in some other way?

For example, I'm sure he'd be delightfully
taken aback if you clean your apartment.

Come on, Sheldon,
this is important to me.

This would be
a massive undertaking...

...and my time
is both limited and valuable.

You're sitting here
playing video games all day.

Okay, point.

What sort of foundation do you have?

Did you take any science classes
in school?

Sure. I did the one with the frogs.

The one with the frogs.

It was pretty cool. A lot of the girls
threw up. I gutted that thing like a deer.

No. I'm sorry, Penny. I don't think so.

Oh, come on, a smart guy like you?
It'll be a challenge.

You could make it like an experiment.

Interesting.

I suppose if someone could teach
sign language to Koko the gorilla...

...I could teach you
some rudimentary physics.

Great. It's a little insulting, but great.
I'll be Koko.

Mm. Not likely. Koko learned to understand
over 2000 words.

Not one of which
had anything to do with shoes.

Hey, fellas,
this is my girlfriend, Bernadette.

My girlfriend, Bernadette.

- Who are all those people?
- I have no idea.

- Hey, Leonard.
- Hi.

Look, it's Howard
and his girlfriend, Bernadette.

Thought I'd give the little woman
a tour of the old salt mines. Heh.

He doesn't mean salt mines.
He means where he works.

Yeah, no, I got it.

- So how's your experiment going?
- Terrific.

Getting the electron accelerator set up.
We should be ready day after tomorrow.

- Boy, I'd love to see that.
- You're welcome to come.

Really? That'd be great.

How exciting is that?

Like Hanukkah in July.

Do they have that?

- No.
- Oh, you got me again.

This isn't non-fat yogurt.
This is fatty-fat fat.

Excuse me.

- Could you grab me another napkin?
- Sure.

Thanks, honey.

All right. What is your deal?

Excuse me?

Inviting my girlfriend
to come see your electron accelerator?

Yeah, so?

Wow, you really are a piece of work.

It's not enough
you get the prom queen...

...you have to get the head
of the decorating committee too?

- What are you talking about?
- Look, don't play innocent with me.

I practically invented using
fancy lab equipment to seduce women.

- Has it ever worked?
- Not so far, but that's not the point.

Howard, relax.
I am not interested in your girlfriend.

I hope not,
because you don't wanna mess with me.

I'm crazy.

I believe you.

Research journal, entry one.

I'm about to embark on one of the great
challenges of my scientific career:

teaching Penny physics.

I'm calling it Project Gorilla.

- Hey, Sheldon.
- Come in. Take a seat.

Subject has arrived.

I've extended a friendly,
casual greeting.

Ready to get started?

One moment.

Subject appears well-rested
and enthusiastic.

Apparently, ignorance is bliss.

All right, let us begin.

- Where's your notebook?
- Um, I don't have one.

How are you gonna take notes
without a notebook?

I have to take notes?

How else are you gonna study
for the tests?

- There's gonna be a test?
- Tests.

Here. It's college-ruled.
I hope that's not too intimidating.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now, introduction to physics.

What is physics?

Physics comes
from the ancient Greek word "physika. "

It's at this point
that you'll wanna start taking notes.

Physika means the science
of natural things.

And it is there in ancient Greece
that our story begins.

- Ancient Greece?
- Ah. If you have questions, raise your hand.

It's a warm summer evening,
circa 600 B.C.

You've finished your shopping
at the local market or agora.

And you look up at the night sky.

And there you notice
some of the stars seem to move...

...so you name them planetes
or wanderer.

Yes, Penny?

Does this have anything to do
with Leonard's work?

This is the beginning of a 2600-year
journey we're going to take together...

...from the ancient Greeks
through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr...

...to Erwin Schr?dinger...

...to the Dutch researchers
that Leonard is currently ripping off.

- Twenty-six hundred years?
- Yeah, give or take.

As I was saying, it's a warm summer
evening in ancient Greece-

- Yes, Penny.
- I have to go to the bathroom.

- Can't you hold it?
- Not for 2600 years.

Project Gorilla, entry two.

I am exhausted.

- Howard?
- Uh- Huh?

It unhooks in the front.

Oh, that explains a lot.

Howard, I'm home.

Of course.

Senior fitness was canceled.

It turns out you can forget
how to ride a bike.

I'm fine, but, oy,
did Sam Harpootian eat gravel.

That's great, Ma.

What's great
about an 80-year-old Armenian man...

...with half his chin scraped off?

- I guess I should go.
- No, don't move.

Hey, Ma,
can I have lamb stew for dinner?

Lamb stew?
I'd have to go to the supermarket.

Please? I got a real hankering.

Oh, I can't say no
to my little tushy-face.

- I'll be back soon.
- Thanks, Ma.

Do you want the
regular peas or the Le Sueur?

Always Le Sueur peas
with lamb stew.

You're right.
When you're right, you're right.

- What if they're out of the Le Sueur?
- Then get the regular!

All right. You don't have to yell.

Sorry about that.

- Let me just put that on vibrate.
- I'm already on vibrate.

Okay, now, that one I got.

Howard, did you say something
to Leonard about me?

What do you mean?

He says if I go see his experiment
tomorrow, it might weird you out.

Really? He said that?

- You're not jealous of Leonard, are you?
- Me? No.

I may have mentioned
that it's a little inappropriate...

...to be asking another man's girlfriend
to his experiment...

...without discussing it with said man.

I need to ask your permission
to hang out with Leonard?

I didn't say anything like that.
I said Leonard has to ask my permission.

Come on, I don't wanna eat lamb stew
with my mother.

Damn. Was this close on the bra.

Now, remember, Newton realized
that Aristotle was wrong...

...and force was not necessary
to maintain motion.

So let's plug in our 9.8 meters
per second squared...

...as A and we get force-
Earth gravity.

- equals mass times
9.8 meters per second per second.

So we can see that MA equals MG
and what do we know from this?

Uh... We know that Newton
was a really smart cookie.

Oh, is that where Fig Newtons
come from?

No, Fig Newtons are named
after a small town in Massachusetts.

- No, don't write that down.
- Sorry.

Now, if MA equals MG...

- ... what does that imply?
- I don't know.

What-? But-?
How can you not know? I just told you.

Have you suffered
a recent blow to the head?

Hey, you don't have to be so mean.

I'm sorry. Have you suffered
a recent blow to the head?

No. You just suck at teaching.

Really? Of those two explanations,
which one seems the most likely?

Oh, God.

Sheldon, look, I'm trying to understand
but you're going too fast.

- Can you just back up a little bit?
- All right.

It's a warm summer evening
in ancient Greece-

Not that far back.

Okay, at what point
did you begin to feel lost?

I don't know. Where were we looking up
at the night sky?

- Greece.
- Damn it.

Look,
there's no need to get frustrated.

People learn at different rates.

Unlike objects falling in a vacuum,
which...?

MA equals MG...?

- Squared?
- No.

- Aristotle?
- No.

- Five?
- Oh!

Oh, then I don't know.

- Why are you crying?
- Because I'm stupid.

Well, that's no reason to cry.

No, one cries because one is sad.

For example, I cry because
others are stupid and it makes me sad.

Look, can we just please forget
about all this extra stuff...

...and can you just tell me
what Leonard does?

All right.

Leonard is attempting to learn...

...why subatomic particles
move the way they do.

Really? That's it?
Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.

It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Okay, I just have one question.

What exactly are subatomic particles?

- A good question.
- Thank you.

And to answer it, we first must
ask ourselves, "What is physics?"

Oh, balls.

It's a warm summer evening
in ancient Greece.

Okay, I got a bone to pick with you.

What did I do now?

I was in bed with Bernadette
and you text-blocked me.

- What?
- Yeah, we were completely naked...

...and about to devour each other
when:

You text her that I have a problem
with her hanging with you.

You do have a problem with her
hanging out with me.

But that's not what you tell her.

- What was I to tell her?
- I don't know.

Something that doesn't make me
come off as a petty, jealous douche.

And what would that be?

Come on,
do I have to think of everything?

Hey, Leonard,
am I too late to see your experiment?

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

- What are you doing here?
- Same thing you're doing here.

- Came to see Leonard's experiment.
- No, you didn't.

You said Leonard's experiment
was stupid.

You told her my experiment
was stupid?

I was just repeating
what Sheldon said.

Look, let's not get off topic.
Bernadette, I need to apologize.

You know, I was wrong to tell you
who you should be friends with.

- Should I leave you two alone?
- No, Leonard, you should hear this.

Okay, good.
Because I wasn't really gonna go.

Look, I know I come off
as confident and worldly...

...but the truth is I'm not.

We're shocked.

Which is why I tend to feel threatened
by other guys.

Or loud noises, clowns and nuns.

But I now realize how foolish that is.

He had a panic attack once
when he got his head stuck in his sweater.

It was a full turtleneck.

- And why aren't you helping me?
- I don't know.

Maybe because I'm crazy?

Bernadette, please, I'm asking you
to give me another chance.

What do you think, Leonard?
Should I give him another chance?

It's up to you.
He didn't call your experiment stupid.

Come here, tushy-face.

Tushy-face.
That is going on Twitter right now.

Raj, you should've seen
Leonard's experiment.

The interference pattern was cool
when the electron beam was on.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Most people
aren't that interested in what I do.

Actually, that's not true, Leonard.

I've been thinking that, given
the parameters of your experiment...

...the transport of electrons
through the nano-fabricated rings...

...is no different than the experiment
already conducted in the Netherlands.

Their observed phase shift in
the diffusing electrons inside the ring...

...already demonstrated
the electric analogue...

...of the Aharonov-Bohm
quantum interference effect.

That's it. That's all I know.

Oh, wait.

Fig Newtons were named after a town
in Massachusetts, not the scientist.