The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Killer Robot Instability - full transcript

All right, that's the last servo.

Behold the Mobile
Omnidirectional Neutralization

and Termination Eradicator.

Or...

MONTE.

Featuring one articulated
razor-sharp killing saw,

one polycarbonate grinding
and flipping wheel,

steel-armor plate exoskeleton
top and bottom,

and enough horsepower to drive
a 110 pounds of mechanized death

from zero to holy crap
in 4.8 seconds.

Is it wrong to say
I love our killer robot?



As with my father,
I both love and fear it.

All right, enough chitchat.
Let's destroy something.

One, two, three.

What shall be first to taste
the wrath of MONTE?

Maybe we should start small.

Perhaps today is the day

we finally find out
what's inside the Magic Eight Ball.

Did it when I was four.

It's an icosahedral die
floating in tinted blue water.

Man, call "spoiler alert"
before you say things like that.

How about the toaster oven?

What did the toaster oven
ever do to you?

What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins
in the third grade?

He still punched me in the face
with my own fists.



Sorry, little nerd,

you were just in the wrong boys' room
at the wrong time.

Gentlemen, goggles.

This is an auspicious moment.

Like Robert Oppenheimer
or Neil Armstrong,

we need the appropriate words
to mark this historic scientific event.

How about "Die, toaster, die"?

That'll do it.

All right, what's next?

No, I think I'm just going
to stay in tonight and do laundry.

This door got the full MONTE.

What the hell?

Killer robot.
We built it.

Yeah, well, it almost killed me.

If it wanted to kill you,
you'd be dead.

So, who exactly
does it want to kill?

I'm sorry, are you
unaware of the upcoming

Southern California
Robot Fighting League

Round Robin Invitational?

You know, since I moved last year,
not all my mail has been forwarded.

It's a big deal.

There's an awards banquet
and a dance afterward.

Perhaps you'd like to come with me.

I know the other fellas would be
really excited to see a girl there.

How is it supposed to be a dance
if I'm the only girl?

Well, that may be
a slight exaggeration.

You'd be the only doable girl.

You are a pig, Howard.

How is "doable" anything
but a compliment?

- Why don't we just work on the robot?
- Please, not now.

Once again, Penny and I
have begun our little tango.

Our tango?

The carnal repartee,
the erotic to and fro.

But as delicious
as the appetizer might be,

at some point
we will have to succumb

and eat the entr?e
while it's still...

... hot.

I'm begging you, stop talking.

Look, normally
I can just ignore you.

I get it... you're a little peculiar.
Like Sheldon.

Excuse me, Penny, but in this room,
you're the one who's peculiar.

You might be right.

But back to you.
I know you think you're some sort

of smooth-talking ladies' man,
but the truth is,

you are just pathetic and creepy.

So what are you saying?

I am saying it is not a compliment
to call me "doable."

It's not sexy to stare
at my ass and say,

"It must be jelly 'cause
jam don't shake like that."

And most important,
we are not dancing a tango,

we're not to'ing and fro'ing.

Nothing is ever going
to happen between us. Ever.

Wait a minute.

This isn't flirting.
You're serious.

Flirting?
You think I'm flirting with you?

I am not flirting with you.
No woman is ever gonna flirt with you.

You're just gonna
grow old and die alone.

Thanks for the heads up.

Where you going?

I'm going home to live
my creepy, pathetic life.

Someone had to say it.

What?

He said maybe we should enter you
in the killer robot competition.

Howard, the phone is ringing!

Here's a crazy idea, Ma: Answer it!

All right, hold on.

It's your friend, Leonard!

He wants to know why
you're not at school today!

I don't go to school, Ma.

I work at a university.

That's a school!
Now pick up the phone!

I don't want to talk to anybody.

Should I ask Leonard to bring
over your homework?!

I don't have homework.

I'm a grown man with a master's
degree in engineering!

Excuse me, Mr. Fancy-Pants.

Want me to get you a Popsicle?

Cherry, please!

I ate the cherry.
All that's left is green.

You make me want to kill myself.

- What's going on?
- I don't know,

now they're just yelling
about Popsicles.

- Sounds like Penny really got to him.
- I'm not surprised.

Despite his hard and crusty shell,
Howard is a very sensitive man.

Do you know he writes poetry?

Mostly about men from Nantucket
and hermits named Dave,

but he does it
with real sensitivity.

Hey, Hofstadter.

Word around the pwasma wab
is you built a wobot?

- Yes, we did, Kripke.
- His name is MONTE.

Well, if you have any dewusions
about entering him

against my wobot,
the Kwipke Kwippler

in the Southern California
Robot Fighting League

Wound Wobin Invitational,
aka the S.C.R.F.L.R.R.I.,

his name is gonna be Scwap Metal.

Come on, is that really necessary?

Leonard, I believe it is.

This is trash talk,

and trash talk is a traditional
component in all sporting events.

Kripke,

your robot is inferior

and it will be defeated by ours

because ours exceeds yours
in both design and execution.

Also, I'm given to understand
that your mother is overweight.

Oh, snap.

Of course, if that is the result
of a glandular condition

and not sloth and gluttony,
I withdraw that comment.

What difference does it make?
Fat is fat.

There are boundaries.

Tell you what,
forget the S.C.R.F.L.R.R.I.

Wet's settle this woboto a woboto.

What do you mean?

There's no guarantee
we're gonna go against each other

in the Wound Wobin,
so let's throw down.

You know,

unless you're afwaid.

We accept your challenge.
Name a time and place.

- Tomorrow, 3:00, the kinetics wab.
- Make it so.

No, don't make it so.

Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow.
Our engineer is incapacitated.

What's wrong with him?

He's depressed because he's pathetic
and creepy and can't get girls.

We're all pathetic and cweepy
and can't get girls.

That's why we fight wobots.

If you're not there,
you'll be exposed to widicule.

I'm curious, what part of America
is that accent from?

- You got a minute?
- Yeah, come on in.

What's up?

- I need you to apologize to How...
- Get out.

Come on. He won't come out of his house
and we need him for a robot battle.

Well, then have the robot
go and get him.

The robot didn't hurt his feelings.

His feelings needed to be hurt.

He's been in bed for two days.

Probably with a blow-up doll.

He's not with a...

Does it really matter
who or what he's with?

The guy is devastated.

Please, how could I possibly
devastate Howard?

Okay, don't take this as a criticism,
but you kind of have

that overexposed-to-gamma-rays
thing going on.

What does that mean?

You know, like, most of the time,
you're the easygoing Bruce Banner,

but then, when you get angry,
you kind of turn into, like, you know?

I turn into a bear?

Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner?
You didn't get The Incredible Hulk?

Never mind.
Just, please go talk to him.

And say what?

That I didn't mean it,
because I meant it.

Maybe you can go at it
from a different angle,

like, you see a
glimmer of goodness in him

and you only said what you said
because you want to

nurture it and make it shine.

Okay, let's try it this way.

Remember the day
we met and you asked me

to go to your boyfriend's
apartment to get your TV back

and he was nine feet tall and he took
my pants off and you said...

What was that?
What did you say?

Oh, yes.
You said you owed me one.

Okay, come on, that's not fair.

I came home with no pants.

Fine, I'll go over there tomorrow.

Thank you.

I should probably give you
a heads up about his mother.

What about her?

She's a delightful woman.
You'll love her.

Howard, there's a blonde girl,
Patsy, here to see you!

Who?

Okay, now she's saying it's Penny.

I don't wanna talk to her.

Ma!

She ran past me.

Was I supposed to tackle her?

So, I just came by
to see how you were doing.

I'm fine.

Good.

Your mom seems nice.

People move away from her
on the bus.

What do you want?

I just want to apologize.

For some things that I have said.

About you.

I've been informed
that you have feelings.

And apparently, I have hurt them.

So, I'm sorry.

Fine. You're sorry.
Good-bye.

So... you're okay?

Hey, I'm a big boy.

I'm not traumatized
by some random comment

from some random woman.

I mean, get over yourself.

Bye.

So close.

Oh, my God.
That's Kripke's robot?

As you can see, the Kwippler is weducing
the Chevy Cavawier to wubble.

I can't watch anymore.

Sheldon, we have to call it off.

We don't have that option.

We've accepted the challenge.
We can't run away from a fight.

Please, we've spent our whole lives
running away from fights.

Personally, I can squeeze
through a hole in a fence half my size.

Impressive as that may be,
MONTE is not us.

MONTE has no fear.

Didn't we watch the same video?

Kripke's robot just had angry sex
with a mid-sized automobile.

You are overlooking the fact
we know what we're up against

and we can modify MONTE
so that he's prepared.

You wanna prepare him?

Install a bladder and a pair of shorts
so he can wet himself.

Excuse me, but how are we gonna make
any modifications without Wolowitz?

- Have you heard from Penny?
- Not yet.

Have faith, gentlemen.
We don't need Wolowitz.

Engineering is merely
the slow younger brother of physics.

Watch and learn.

Do either of you know
how to open the toolbox?

And then, when I was 14,

I met Marcy Grossman.

She was so beautiful.

She just got her braces off

but they left a little
of the overbite.

It was so hot.

Like a sexy little chipmunk.

I didn't have the courage

to ask her out,

but I dedicated a song to her

at the ninth grade talent show.

That sounds sweet.

Marcy Grossman is sunshine

On a cloudy day

When it's cold outside

Marcy Grossman is the month of May

It's cute.

I guess

You'd say

What can make me feel this way

Marcy Grossman,
Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman

Talkin' 'bout Marcy

That's great.

... Grossman.

It's fun.

And then she came up
with that sexy little chipmunk mouth

and spit in my hair.

Which brings us to tenth grade.

Do you think maybe sometimes

you try too hard?

Look at me.

What chance do I have
if I don't try too hard?

You'd have a terrific chance.

I mean, you're smart, you're funny.
You have a cool job.

You build stuff
that goes into outer space.

I guess.

I'm telling you,
I've known you for a year and a half

and this is the first time
I feel like I'm talking

to a real person.

And you know what? I like him.

He's a nice guy.

You really think so?

I don't know.

I do.

Nice little bot you've got here.

I'm aware.

What's this do, spin?

Yep. At 3400 RPM.

It can cut through steel
like it was wubber.

Neat.

Good work.

Sheldon, we've gotta call this off.

No, Leonard.

For years,
merciless thugs like Kripke

have made my life
a series of painful noogies

and humiliating wedgies

and the insensitively named
Indian burns.

That stops now.

But we don't have a chance.

The only improvement
you were able to make

was to put fresh batteries
in the remote.

What you fail to realize is
Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw:

overconfidence
from his robot's massive size

and its overwhelming power.

That's not overconfidence.
That's observation.

Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey
to my psychological warfare.

Observe.

I would ask if your robot
is prepared to meet its maker,

but as you are its maker,
clearly the two of you have met.

What is his pwoblem?

Way to bust out
the Jedi mind tricks, dude.

I just wanna make sure
we're all clear.

Standard robotic fighting
league rules apply.

Are you cwazy?

This is a stweet fight.
The stweet has no rules.

He's right, Leonard.
The paradigm is to the death.

I will, however,

give you the opportunity
to concede my superiority now

and offer me your robot
as the spoils of war.

Never.

I'd rather see MONTE dead
than in your hands.

That could be easily arranged.

Ready, set, go?

- Do it.
- All right then.

Weady. Set. Go.

- Come on, Sheldon, you got this.
- Indeed.

We are prepared for anything
he can throw at us.

That's new.

Run, MONTE, run!

Run, MONTE!

Go, go, go, go!

Don't hurt us, don't hurt us,
don't hurt us!

Well, so much for making up

for the emotional wounds
of childhood.

I did this.

MONTE was killed
by my hubris and my pride.

No matter what anybody says,
this is my fault.

No one's arguing with you, dude.

I got your text. How bad is...

Forget the robot.
What happened to you?

- He slipped and fell.
- Yes,

I slipped and fell.

In the bathroom.

Bounced right off the tub.

Now he knows what bathtubs
are capable of doing

when you don't treat them
with respect.

They sucker punch you
when your eyes are closed.

So what do you think, Howard?

It's not that bad, right?

A little electrical tape,
some solder...

Are you insane?

I've seen space probes
that crashed into the desert

that were in better shape than this.

You're right.

MONTE's gone.

We'll bury him in the morning.
A simple ceremony. I'll speak.

Leonard, you'll play your cello.

Honey, aren't you getting
a little carried away?

I mean, it's just a toy robot.

"Just a toy robot"?

I know, I got it.

Sheldon, I'm sorry.

Don't get the wrong idea.

The way I see it,
I'm halfway to pity sex.