The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 8 - The Tesla Recoil - full transcript

Can we start the movie?

Before Sheldon gets here?

Last time we did that, he didn't
talk to us for a month.

So do it!

Hold on. Where is he?

Well, according to his text,
he was on the second floor,

then he stopped
to tie his shoe.

(phone chimes)

All tied, and...

Hello!
Hi.

Sorry we're late.



Amy took forever
tying my shoe.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
All right!

Who's excited
to see a documentary?

Oh, I know this one.

Nobody ever.

Hey! This one's
going to be great.

This is about the rivalry

between a cool renegade
scientist, Nikola Tesla,

and his arch-nemesis,
Thomas Edison.

It's the greatest
scientific feud of all time.

I mean, you can forget
about Leibniz and Newton.

Done.

So, Tesla's the one
that invented the electric car?

(laughter)



SHELDON:
No, Penny.

No, the car is just
named after him.

Okay, you don't have to be
so smug about it.

You know, you went
to see that movie It

because you thought
it was about scary I.T. guys.

Tesla was a genius who
invented our electrical grid.

Edison just wanted to
get rich and famous.

Didn't he invent the lightbulb?

That's what
he wants you to think.

But without the foundational
work of Ebenezer Kinnersley,

Warren de la Rue
and James Bowman Lindsay,

you wouldn't know Edison
any more than you know

Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren de
la Rue or James Bowman Lindsay.

Isn't he sexy
all fired up?

He really gets
my current alternating,

if you know what I mean.

Edison was kind of a
publicity hog and a bully.

Yeah, he electrocuted
an elephant named Topsy

just to make himself famous.

If I had an elephant
named Topsy,

he would want for nothing.

Also, he'd be named Jumbo.

And worse than that, Edison
filmed the first on-screen kiss,

so he's basically
a pornographer.

Although every time
I put that in Wikipedia,

someone takes it out.

Is your current
still alternating?

We're lucky there aren't
any elephants in here.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 11x08 ♪
The Tesla Recoil
Original Air Date on Nov

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

You know, that documentary
last night was actually

better than I
thought it would be.

Really?

Should've been about
Samuel Morse

the way they telegraphed
that ending.

I already pretended to laugh
at that joke once.

Do I have to do it again?

Yeah, I'd appreciate it.
(chuckles)

(forced laugh):
Samuel Morse. You kill me.

Leonard, can you
drive me to work?

Yeah, sure.
Oh, hey, the guys and I

were talking about
going to see the Tesla coil

at the observatory later on,
if you want to join.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm busy.

Why? What are you doing?
Leonard, what are you doing?

He said he can't go.
Make a sad face, move on.

It's fine.

I couldn't tell you
even if I wanted to.

What does that mean?
Leonard!

Sad face, sad face.

I mean, I would like to,
but I just can't, you know,

because it's classified
and top secret.

Hold on, are you still
working for the military?

I'm so glad
you figured that out!

It was killing me
keeping it a secret!

I thought they
fired you guys.

They did,
but then they hired me back.

Well, you better not be
working on our project,

because we're a team.

Leonard, there is
no "I" in team.

However,
there is an "I" in

"I'm working with the military
and you're not."

There's five of them, in fact.

(knock on door)

Hey, hey.

I got a big surprise for you.

Is it pie and ice cream?

(chuckles)

Wow, did I oversell it.

It's Raj and Ruchi!

Hello.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, what are
you two doing here?

RUCHI:
We won't stay long.

I just wanted
to drop something off

from me and the girls at work.

None of the girls at work
like me enough to get me a gift.

Okay, so you'll know
why everyone at the office

has the same handwriting.

I really appreciate
the thought,

but it's not necessary.
I'll be back soon.

Don't worry about work.
You take all the time you need.

Yeah, just turn
off your brain

and let your uterus
do its magic.

It's the star
of the show now.

Okay, wasn't sure how long
I should let you guys stay.

Now I know!
Get out!

Good to see you.
You look amazing.

Thanks for coming!

(door closes)

That bitch.

Oh, come on, he means well.

He's just trying
to impress his girlfriend.

I'm talking about Ruchi.

She's after my job.

Why do you think she said,
"Take all the time you need"?

Because she was being nice?

No, she's trying to steal
my projects while I'm at home

taking care of this useless
plant and my dumb family.

I'm only saying this
because I love you

and because you can't
reach me from that bed,

but you sound a little crazy.

I love you, too, but I could
fling this card in your eye

like a ninja throwing star.

I don't believe you.

Why would the military
want Sheldon?

I don't know. Target practice?

Well, he better not be
working on our guidance system.

That was my idea.

Why don't we call
Colonel Williams

and find out
what's going on.

Great. I want answers
and he'd better give them to us.

(line ringing)

Hello, gentlemen.

Hi, sir.
Um, Leonard has a question.

Hey, is Sheldon working on
our project again?

Did he say that?

No, he wouldn't tell us.

Huh. So he can
keep his mouth shut.

How do I get him to do that?

Is he working on
our guidance system or not?

Dr. Cooper contacted us
with an idea on how to modify

your technology into
a communication system,

and it seemed interesting.

But our team developed
that technology.

And he was your team leader.

Well, who said
he was team leader?

He did.

And I like that kind of
"take charge" attitude.

We can have "take
charge" attitudes.

Then why didn't either of you
ask to be team leader?

We didn't want to step
on anyone's toes.

WOLOWITZ:
Yeah, so we were just

waiting for you to tell us who
you thought-- Okay, I hear it.

Are we done?
LEONARD: No, no.

I am taking charge right
now and telling you

that it is not okay
with us if...

(call disconnects)
Okay, bye.

Hey. I just got your text.
Everything okay?

Yeah, there's just something
I need to ask you.

(gasps) Oh, Bernie,
I'd be thrilled.

It's not be my birth coach.

Okay, that hurts, but luckily I
know how to breathe through it.

(breathing sharply)

I need you to find out
if Ruchi's trying to steal

my projects at work
while I'm on bed rest.

She's not that
kind of a person.

She's-she's generous
and charitable.

You're just saying that
'cause she's sleeping with you.

Yes, that's my favorite charity.

I know I sound paranoid, but
I'm feeling really vulnerable.

If there's anything you could
find out, it'd be great.

And if she is up to anything,
what are you gonna do?

Nothing.

I'll just calmly
talk to her and explain

there are certain boundaries
that need to be respected.

It's really for the benefit
of everyone at the company.

Uh, okay, what you're saying
sounds nice,

but the way you're saying it

is causing my testicles
to take cover in my abdomen.

What do you want to watch?

Oh, why don't you pick.

Okay, how about comedy?

Eh, I already laughed today.

I know. It was when
I stubbed my toe.

(chuckles) Still funny.

Drama?

Nah, I've already
seen someone cry today.

It really hurt, Sheldon!

(knock on door)

Hey.

We talked to
Colonel Williams.

He told us everything.

I'm sorry, can we do this
another time?

Amy's just about to realize she
wants to watch a Hulk marathon.

What's going on?

Sheldon went to the Air
Force behind our backs.

I did nothing of the sort.

I had an idea

for a neutrino-based
communication system,

I presented it to them,
and they were interested.

But y-your
communication system

was based on our
guidance system.

And sonar is based on bats.

You don't see them
hanging upside down

in a patent attorney's office.

You know what, you like to think
that you're just like Tesla,

but the truth is
you're exactly like Edison.

You take that back.

No, he's right.

You are a bully, a credit
hog and a self-promoter.

And if anyone around here
is like Tesla, it's us.

Yeah.

Can you believe they said
I was just like Edison?

Yeah, and in front of
a lady, no less.

Well, you are
building on their work

and taking the
credit for it.

That's a classic
Edison move.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if I'm Edison
and you love me,

then what does that say
about you?

I honestly don't know.

Okay.

Well, I have to Google
some stuff about Mrs. Edison.

I'll be right back.

You know whose fault this is?

I do.

Yours.

No, my mother's.

"Go make friends, Sheldon."

What happens?

20 years later,
they call me names.

I don't think what they
called you is the point here.

Oh, yeah?
How would you feel

if I called you the name of a
neuroscientist you didn't like?

Do you know the name
of any neuroscientist?

Of course.

Not me?

Then no.

Do you think they're right, Amy?

(stammers)

Do you think I'm like Edison?

Sheldon, I don't
think you're upset

because of what kind of
scientist they said you're like.

I think you're
upset because

your friend' feelings got hurt.

You're right.

I care too much about
other people's feelings.

It's always been my fatal flaw.

Sheldon, I
don't think...

No, no, not now, Amy.
I'm growing as a person.

Ah, that was fun.

Put her there, buddy.

I am not fist bumping
you after we have sex.

You're the one who wanted
to keep things casual.

There's a difference
between casual and weird.

Not the way I do it.

So, um... how was,
how was your day?

Like, how's-how's work?

Oh, great.

With Bernadette gone,

I'm getting to handle
all her projects.

Well, she's-she's not gone.

She'll be back soon.

Not too soon, let's hope.

So it turns out Ruchi is totally

trying to take over
Bernadette's projects.

Wow, she just told you
that out of the blue?

Yeah, yeah,
we had just made love.

It was so beautiful.

Our caramel-colored bodies

were entwined like
erotic taffy...

Get to the point!
Oh.

Uh, sorry, uh, yeah.

I-I asked her about work,
and she just admitted

she has her eyes
on Bernadette's projects.

Can't believe she
would take advantage

of a pregnant
lady like that.

So what did you do?

What do you think I did?

I made small talk for 20 minutes
and had sex again.

You have to say
something to Bernie.

I don't know. If I do that,
she's gonna confront Ruchi,

and then Ruchi's gonna
stop sleeping with me.

Raj, you can't go on
sleeping with a woman

who's trying to screw
over your friend.

Can't or must?

You know, that guidance system
was my idea.

You figured out
how to make it work.

We didn't even need Sheldon.

Let's not forget your idea
was based on my theory.

Hey, we're bagging
on Sheldon here! Focus!

I guess it was pretty smart
using our quantum technology

as the basis for
a communication system.

Be even better if he swapped out
the helium for xenon.

Ooh. So instead of having to
keep it at negative 271 degrees,

you'd only have to keep it
at negative 108.

It would be way more efficient.

And xenon has a bigger nucleus,

so coherence would make it
an easier signal to see.

You're brilliant!

We should tell Sheldon.

You're an idiot!

We don't tell Sheldon.

We go to the military
behind his back

and we screw him
like he screwed us.

All right, you're right,
you're right, we don't need him.

We can do this all on our own.

Do you think
you can do the math?

No.

But if someone else does it,

I can double check
the crap out of it.

I want you to know,
I did what you asked.

I talked to Ruchi and found out
what's going on at work.

So is she trying
to steal my projects?

No, not trying to,
sounds like it's a done deal.

Here, have a brownie.

I'm gonna kill her.

Okay, don't take this
out on Ruchi.

Is she trying to
take your job? Yes.

Is she parking
in your space? Yes.

Did she get a laugh
at a meeting yesterday

by calling you "Pregnadette"?
Big one.

But you would've done the exact
same thing, and you know it.

I never would've
undermined a coworker.

What? Oh, please.
Wh-What about that guy Eric,

who you told it was
"Bring Your Cat to Work Day"

when you knew
your boss had asthma?

That was just a hilarious prank

that ended with me
getting a corner office.

All I'm saying is

before you attack Ruchi,
maybe you should

take a long hard look
in the mirror,

because you know
what you'll see--

apart from radiant skin
and luxuriously thick hair?

Hypocrisy!

It is thick.

So what do you think?
Can you make it work?

Uh, I just need to
use the cross section

to calculate the probability
of the interaction.

Can we help?

Yes.

Why don't you run
get me a can of Pringles.

Leonard, I was--

What's Kripke doing here?

Oh, he's just helping us
develop a better, more efficient

neutrino comm system that we're
gonna pitch to the military,

making yours obsolete.

WOLOWITZ: Yeah,
Leonard thought of it.

It's genius.
Oh, thanks.

You see, instead of
using liquid helium...

Good God, man, shut up!
Right, sorry.

KRIPKE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You didn't tell me
we were doing this

just to stick it to Sheldon.

Oh, well...

I messing with you. This sundae
just got a cherry on top!

Fine. Good luck to you.

The military is already
interested in my system,

and my math is worked out.

His still has a big gap in it.

Where?

There.

- - Can I ask you a question?
Mm?

Does a drug still count
as an antidepressant

if its number one side effect
is uncontrollable weeping?

I don't know. I always feel
better after a good cry.

I've been trying
to ask Bernadette,

but she's not answering
any of my texts.

Yeah, uh, listen,
I think she might be

a little threatened
by you, you know,

because you can tie your own
shoes and laugh without peeing.

Did she say something to you?

No.

I mean, well, kind of.

But it's okay.
She's just hormonal.

And, you know, don't worry,
I stood up for you.

I don't need you
to stand up for me.

You're not my boyfriend.

Look, I care about you,

and you can say that
this doesn't mean anything,

but the truth is we're in
a relationship, okay?

And you're gonna have to figure
out some way to deal with it.

I can't believe
she dumped me.

This is tough for
me, 'cause I can.

Sorry things worked
out like that.

Because I'm in pain or because
you don't have a spy anymore?

Let's just leave
it at "I'm sorry."

You're already sad.

Based on Kripke's
calculations,

I think this
is gonna work.

Maybe we should pitch it
to Colonel Williams today.

Why limit ourselves
to the U.S. military?

I bet there's a lot of
other places we could take this.

Without committing
criminal espionage?

You know, it's easy
to shoot an idea down, Leonard.

Well, I suppose
congratulations are in order.

You set out to destroy me,
and you achieved your goal.

What are you talking about?

The military
canceled my project,

because they're
going with yours.

That's impossible.
We haven't even pitched it yet.

Well, Colonel Williams said
another team at Caltech

came up with a more efficient
neutrino comm system.

Damn it!

Excuse us.

Kripke.

What's up, fellas?

Did you screw us over?

Ooh, I can't tell you that.

It's classified.

Why did you tell
Barry Kripke your idea?

This is all your fault.

No, it's your fault.

If you would've come to us
in the beginning,

none of this would've happened.

Well, if it helps,
you all behaved terribly

and you deserve
what you got.

Well, that doesn't help at all.

You know, sometimes your
social skills are very poor.

Can't believe we let
Kripke use us like that.

You know, maybe you're all
more like the guy

who didn't invent
the electric car

and less like the guy
who didn't invent the lightbulb.

She's right. Maybe we're all
a bunch of Teslas after all.

Didn't Tesla die penniless,
forgotten and insane?

(sighs) You may have a point
about her social skills.

He wasn't insane.

He did fall in love
with a pigeon.

Well, if we're gonna
call Tesla crazy

for loving something
small and unappealing,

might as well put Penny
in a padded cell right now.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man