The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - The Proton Regeneration - full transcript

Howie, slow down.
I can't.
I'm not allowed to eat
for 12 hours before my surgery,
and I only got two more minutes.
What surgery are you having?
I'm stress eating.
My best friend's getting
a vasectomy tomorrow.
And you're sad you won't be able
to bear his child?
Oh, my goodness.
If it's "vasectomy
gone wrong" videos,
he's seen them all.
Including the one of
the guy who's sitting
on what appears to be a
cantaloupe but is not.
And I'm done.
They're going
to start making
Professor Proton's
science show again.
BERNADETTE:
I thought he passed away.
He did.
He was cremated,
and his remains
were put
in a baking soda volcano.
AMY:
Don't make jokes.
He meant a lot to Sheldon.
LEONARD:
Oh, me, too.
I grew up watching his show.
He's one of the reasons
I became a scientist.
Aw. Thought you did it
just to get girls.
Joke's on you. It worked.
Have they found anyone
to replace him?
No, not yet,
and it won't be easy.
Arthur Jeffries was
an accomplished scientist.
Mm.
You know who'd make
a great Professor Proton?
Meryl Streep.
She's not a scientist.
Uh, then explain to me why
she has chemistry
with literally everyone.
It would be nice
if they cast a woman.
Oh, you've already got Doctor
Who and the Ghostbusters.
Leave us something.
Who do you think it should be?
Well, it should be a scientist
I respect.
You know,
someone with a pleasing voice
and symmetrical facial features.
Is he talking
about himself?
If he's talking,
he's talking about himself.
I just know how much Professor
Proton touched me as a child,
and I feel that I owe it to him
to try and touch
as many children as possible.
You should put that
on your audition tape.
* Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state *
* Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! *
* The Earth began to cool
* The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools *
* We built the Wall
* We built the pyramids *
* Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery *
* That all started
with a big bang *
* Bang! *
You doing okay?
No, I'm
very nervous.
(man groaning)
Where are you going?
Gift shop.
There is no gift shop.
Sit down.
This was your idea.
So was having sex, and
look where that got us.
This isn't a big deal.
Stop whining.
When you were in labor and
I said that, you kicked me.
Howard Wolowitz?
Want me to go with you?
No.
I'll be fine.
Yeah, we
got this.
Sit down!
Wish me luck.
Other way, buster.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah, almost. I'm working
on my facial expressions.
See, uh, I've got
interested. Hmm.
I've got very interested. Hmm.
Enraged.
Why would you be enraged?
Hmm. Better to have it
and not need it
than to need it and not have it.
Okay.
And...
rolling.
Hello. I am theoretical
physicist, Dr. Sheldon Cooper,
auditioning for the role
of Professor Proton.
Now, excuse me
while I get into character.
Hello. I am Professor Proton.
And today,
boys and girls, we're going
to have fun with science.
Did you know you could calculate
the mass of an electron
using household items?
It's true.
All you'll need is a pencil,
some paper,
dry ice, rubbing alcohol,
and a spool of 50-micron-thick
cobalt-60 wire.
And, remember,
don't put it in your mouth,
or instead
of becoming a scientist,
you'll become
wildly radioactive.
Hang on. I have
a question.
Do you have any experiments
that aren't life-threatening?
Come on! That was a perfect
take, and you ruined it.
Oh, look!
Hey, I did need enraged.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Really hurts, huh?
BERNADETTE:
No.
He's just saying,
"Ow can these prices be so low?"
It's gonna be okay.
A day or two of rest,
and you'll be fine.
You know nothing
about Jewish people.
(Halley crying over monitor)
Um, let me go check on her.
Okay, uh, this is
a bit awkward.
It says here
that I need to check the area
for redness and swelling.
You know what?
It hurts so much, go ahead.
So you see, boys and girls,
H, or helicity,
is the natural variable
to use relativistically
and is defined as S dot P,
divided
by the magnitude of P.
So the next time someone
on the playground tells you
you can only use integral values
for the matrix
that determines the spin
of the antiproton,
you stop being friends with that
kid, 'cause he's going nowhere.
Until next week, this is
Professor Proton saying,
01000010
01111001
01100101.
That's "bye" in ASCII binary,
or good-binary.
(laughing)
(snorts)
So, what do you think?
AMY: Well, I
already told him
that I loved it,
but if you found it
confusing or dangerous or--
I don't know-- three
to four times too long,
now is the time to share.
I... I don't know
what to say.
Leonard, do you
know what to say?
Sheldon, uh,
I thought it, uh...
It-it looked like
you were having so much fun.
Hey!
That's what you used
to tell me to say to Penny
after one of her
terrible plays.
Hey!
Hey!
Well, what was wrong
with it?
You know, did you find it...
borderline psychotic?
I mean,
I liked that
about it, but...
you guys discuss.
Do you remember
when you were a kid
and you'd watch
Professor Proton?
Of course.
Well,
did he ever make you--
I don't know--
hate science
and the people who do it?
What are you saying?
I-I just think
it would be... better
if your contempt
for children
wasn't so much
in the foreground.
Well, you want me to lie?
Well, it's not
lying-- it's acting.
Sheldon Cooper
may not like kids,
but Professor Proton loves them.
Interesting.
You know, I hadn't
really thought
of it that way.
It-It's similar
to how I'm afraid of dogs,
but my D&D character likes dogs,
you know?
But he's allergic,
so he can't be around them.
Why don't we
have a dog?
Hey, you can
always reshoot it.
Mm, I suppose. And, you know,
maybe I could even get some tips
from someone
who's acted professionally.
PENNY: Oh.
Sheldon, obviously,
I'd be happy to help you out.
I don't know what to say.
Hey, Sheldon. What's up?
I need an acting coach.
Oh.
Would you give me
Patrick Stewart's number?
No.
Fine. I guess you can do it.
(bell ringing)
WOLOWITZ:
Bernie?
Where did you get a bell?
App store.
(bell ringing)
Fun. Let me see.
(chuckles)
When you catch me,
you can have it back.
You want to lie down,
watch a movie?
I can't. I got my 16-week
checkup to get to,
and then I'll pick up
some Chinese for dinner.
I'll take Halley with me.
You-you sure
you're not overdoing it?
No, it's fine.
Great.
Then maybe,
instead of Chinese,
fire up the grill
and throw on a couple of steaks?
Kung pao chicken, please.
Oh, boy.
What?
They cast the new
Professor Proton.
Is it Sheldon?
Not exactly.
SHELDON:
Wheaton!
It's Wil Wheaton.
BERNADETTE:
Hi.
Hey.
How was the doctor?
Good, but I have some news.
Don't say twins. Don't say
twins. Don't say twins.
Don't say twins.
It's not twins.
Oh. I mean, because
I would have loved them both.
The doctor said
I was overdoing it,
so she put me on bed rest
just to be safe.
Oh, no.
It may not look like it,
but I'm running to you!
(insects trilling,
birds chirping)
Hello, Arthur.
What-what part
of "rest in peace"
don't you understand?
I suppose you're here
because you heard the news?
Sheldon, I'm a figment
of your imagination.
I don't hear news.
You're a grumpy figment.
Look, they're remaking
your show,
and they cast Wil Wheaton
as Professor Proton.
And the worst part is,
he's not even a scientist.
No, the-the worst part is,
I'm sitting on a moist log.
We have to stop this
and protect your legacy.
What legacy?
My-my last two seasons,
I was on Sunday morning
at 5:30.
We-we were beat
by Davey and Goliath.
I can't believe
you don't care.
Believe it.
Well, I care, a lot,
and Wil Wheaton will rue
the day he ever met me.
I think that's true
of most people.
(light knocking)
Hi, guys.
Wanted to check in
and see how you two were doing.
We're okay.
Yeah, hanging out
in bed with my wife,
thawing out some frozen peas
in my pants-- living the dream.
(Halley crying)
Oh, I'll get her.
I thought
Raj was helping you out.
No, he had to work.
Plus, he has a quota
for the amount of Indian
servant jokes he can tolerate,
and, apparently, I filled it.
Well, you're...
I can get the baby.
No, Howie's got it.
He's fine. Right, Howie?
(strained):
Never better.
Don't be silly.
I'll take the rest of the day
off and watch Halley for you.
Or we can call Stuart.
I'm sure he could
close up the store,
hop on a bus, and
be here in no time.
He does love the bus.
Okay, hang on.
Do you guys not trust me
to take care of your baby?
(chuckling): No.
No!
No.
No.
So I-I guess...
no.
Wow.
It's not that we don't trust
you-- it's just you don't seem
like much of a
baby person.
Hey,
hey, hey, I can watch
your stupid baby, okay?
If she cries,
I will pick her up.
If she's hungry,
I'll give her a bottle.
And if she poops,
I'll light some incense.
It would be a big help.
Okay. Thank you.
Trust me, you guys have
nothing to worry about.
You know, back
in Nebraska,
I raised all our baby pigs
right until the day
they were slaughtered.
So, unless your baby's made
of breakfast meat,
she's fine.
Would you ever get
a vasectomy?
Uh, in case you haven't
noticed, Indians aren't
too big on birth control.
There's probably,
like, a million more of us
since we started
this conversation.
Ugh.
You okay?
No.
No, all these comments online
about Wil,
they're nothing but supportive
and kind.
Where's the mean,
snarky Internet
that shows up every time
I get a haircut?
You know that's us, right?
Well, luckily,
I got the number of the company
who's trying to reboot the show,
so I need you all to call and
register your displeasure.
Sheldon, no one's
gonna do that.
Not true. I know of three calls
they've received already:
a-a Southern gentleman,
um, a Cockney chimney sweep,
and, uh,
Mr. T, hmm?
Who-- spoiler alert--
pities the fool
who tries to reboot that show.
What about tiresome lunatic
with a bad haircut?
Has he called yet?
Come on.
How many times have
we banded together
to try to save a
show that we loved?
L-Let's shake things up
and try to kill one.
Isn't the important thing
that there's a show
to get kids excited
about science?
Who cares about kids
and what they like?
This is about me and something
I liked when-when I was a kid.
What if the reboot is great?
That's even worse.
If-if I like it, I'll feel like
I'm being disloyal to Arthur.
He was a mentor
and a friend,
and I won't toss him aside
for some Hollywood pretty boy
like Wil Wheaton.
It's hard to argue with him.
Because he makes no sense? Yeah.
This is actually
kind of nice,
you and me getting to spend
a couple days in bed together.
Yeah. Pretty soon, we're
gonna have two crying babies
in the house.
(sighs)
I'm glad my balls hurt.
It's all their fault.
Well, let's just enjoy
this quiet time
while we still got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is
really quiet.
You think
Penny's doing okay?
Penny, everything
all right?!
(footsteps approaching)
Hey. All good.
Dipped her pacifier in a little
bourbon, she conked right out.
I hope you're joking.
Of course I'm joking.
I don't share my bourbon.
She's joking.
(chuckles)
Definitely.
Probably.
Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
This is Sheldon, by the way.
Hi, Sheldon.
Here, I found this pizza flyer
in your fence.
Thank you.
Okay, now you owe me a favor.
Turn down the role
of Professor Proton.
(chuckles)
I don't think so.
You can't be Professor Proton.
You're not a scientist.
Well, I was never on a starship,
but pretending I was
bought me this house.
And if I'd pretended
a little longer,
it would have a swimming pool.
Some things
shouldn't be rebooted.
Some things were perfect
the way they were.
Like the walled city of York--
it was a delight.
But New York? Blech.
Did you ever consider that maybe
Arthur would be happy to know
that his show has outlived him?
I doubt it.
He was kind of a mean old crank.
Sheldon, I promise
that I will work my hardest
to make this show great
so that a whole
new generation of kids
will grow up
and they will be able to say
that Professor Proton was the
reason they got into science.
Wow.
That was very persuasive.
Thanks.
But I won't be seduced
by your acting skills
nor your movie star charisma.
There's
only one Professor Proton,
and he had neither
of those things.
I'll give you one more
chance to bow out.
Or what?
When we first met,
we were enemies,
but we worked through that
and we became friends.
Do you really want to go back?
Honestly, it doesn't feel
very different.
I'm not leaving!
All right, I'm gonna sic
my dog on you.
You don't have a dog.
Yes, I do.
Ugh, I can't tell
if you're lying--
you're such a good actor!
Hey, how you doing?
What are you
doing here?
Oh, I just came by, you know,
to see if you need any help.
Howard and Bernadette
asked you to check up on me.
That is not entirely true.
So did Leonard and... everybody.
How irresponsible
do you all think I am?
We don't think
you're irresponsible.
We think you're...
fun-loving.
That is just a nice word
for "irresponsible."
Hmm. You might be more
on the ball than we thought.
I'm getting
a little hungry.
Want me to get
it this time?
That'd be great.
(bell ringing)
This is fun.
And now you also get
to see an annoyed blonde
walk into the room.
What?
Can you get us
a little snack?
You sure you don't want
your spy to do it?
What are you talking about?
You really don't trust me?
You had to have Amy stop by?
We trust you.
Yeah.
You were a terrible waitress,
and we still asked you
to get us a snack.
(Halley crying)
Excuse me while I go
take care of your baby.
Then I'll bring
you your snack,
and you can insult me some more.
(crying continues)
I don't know
about you,
but I am not eating
whatever she brings us.
PENNY:
Hey, Halley. Aw, it's okay.
Auntie Penny's here. Shh.
Let's get you changed.
Your mommy and daddy say
they trust me,
but they're full of
the same stuff your diaper is.
(crying stops)
Now I feel bad.
Well, she never really liked me.
It's kind of nice
she hates you now, too.
Aw, but I'm here for you,
and I would never let anything
happen to you,
because your Auntie Penny
loves you so much.
HALLEY:
Mama.
Was that her first word?
Mama.
PENNY: Uh, no. No, baby.
I'm not your mama.
Your mama's the nice lady
we're gonna go see right now
so I can rub this in her face.
Do you hear that, suckers?
She called me Mama!
(insects trilling,
birds chirping)
Hello, Arthur.
You-you know,
we could... we could also meet
in-in a deli.
I'm sorry to say
that I failed you.
I tried to stop Wil Wheaton
being Professor Proton,
but I couldn't.
See, now,
that's-that's the kind of thing
you could tell a fella over a...
pastrami sandwich.
Well, don't worry.
He's now on my enemies list
forever.
He's totally cut off.
Interesting.
Can-can anyone sign-sign up
for that list?