The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - The Retraction Reaction - full transcript

Uh, one dumpling left.
Who wants it?
Maybe you should offer it
to the pregnant lady.
And that would be...
Me, Sheldon.
I'm obviously pregnant.
Well, you never
said it to my face.
And the last time I assumed
a woman was pregnant,
it did not go over well.
Yeah, I'm still mad at you.
(clears throat)
You were drinking water
instead of wine.
What was I supposed
to think?
KOOTHRAPPALI:
Sheldon's right.
I would never ask a woman
if she was pregnant,
unless she tells me
or I see a human being
wiggling out of her.
Well, Sheldon,
I'm pregnant.
Congratulations.
How far along are you?
About three months.
Only three?
Good gravy, how many
babies are in there?
Okay, let's talk
about something
that won't infuriate
my pregnant wife.
I read an interesting fact
about elephants.
Try again.
Oh, I've got something.
I'm being interviewed on public radio this Friday.
Oh, cool. How come?
Uh, the university is trying
to get more funding
for the physics department,
so they want me to
go out and talk it up.
Really? You?
(whispering indistinctly)
Well, they picked the right
person for the job.
Thank you.
I think he bought it.
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Hi, I'm Ira Flatow,
and this is Science Friday.
Joining me today
is my guest physicist,
Dr. Leonard Hofstadter,
to talk about
all of the exciting research
they're doing at Cal Tech.
Thank you for having me.
Whoa... (chuckles)
Could never get used to
hearing myself in headphones.
Is that really how I sound?
(chuckles)
It is. It is.
(deep voice):
That is good to know.
I told him his voice
was annoying.
He didn't want to listen.
Hey...
You're saying it's not?
Just... hey.
FLATOW:
So, it has been five years
since the discovery
of the Higgs boson--
what's the next big thing
gonna be?
Wow, that's hard to say.
There's so much going on.
We've been collecting
tons of data
that could revolutionize the way
we understand the universe.
For instance, there's a particle
called a squark,
which could prove supersymmetry.
That is interesting.
Have you found it?
What, the squark?
Yes.
No, no.
Wouldn't that be exciting?
But we're also looking
for the selectron,
the gluino and the neutralino.
Well, and have you found that?
No.
LEONARD:
Another fun sidenote--
I went to high school with
a girl named Theresa Gluino,
but it didn't cost $2 billion
to find her.
She was smoking behind the gym.
(laughs)
So, what have you found?
Uh, nothing, actually.
Should he be saying that?
Uh, probably not.
Yeah, this is public radio.
Doesn't he realize that dozens
of people might hear him?
But I remain confident.
We've got the best equipment
and the best minds
all working on it.
Okay, sounds like
he's back on track.
LEONARD:
Although, some days
I'm, like, ugh...
we've spent so much money.
Why haven't we found anything?
What are we doing?
Oh, boy.
There's Leonard.
I'll bet he's having
a rough day. (chuckles)
Let's just try to be supportive.
Supportive?
He publicly maligned
the love of my life,
Lady Physics.
You might not want to
mention that to Lady Fiancée.
Hey, guys.
KOOTHRAPPALI:
Hey, how's it going?
(scoffs)
What?
You got something to say?
I think I just said it.
P-F-F.
Pff!
Look, I-I was just
speaking the truth.
We're scientists-- isn't that
what we're supposed to do?
Oh, what would you know
about the truth?
You thought Phantom Menace
was "not half bad."
I told you that in confidence!
Okay, calm down.
Everybody just cool it.
No, let 'em go.
If we get lucky,
maybe one of them
will start crying.
Uh, can we just drop this
and have lunch like adults?
Fine.
Very well.
Leonard?
What?
Pff!
(knock on door)
You ready for lunch?
Oh, one second.
Ooh, someone's got a lot
of fancy new lab equipment.
I know. The university has been
throwing money at my study.
With any luck,
there'll be a brain disease
with my name on it.
Fingers crossed.
Which is ironic, because
if you had Fowler's palsy,
you wouldn't be able
to cross your fingers.
I'm surprised Sheldon's
not up here playing
with all your new toys.
Actually, I haven't
told him about it.
We've been getting so much
more funding than physics,
he's been a little sensitive.
So you're just gonna hide
your success from him?
I know.
Am I terrible?
No.
I do that, too.
How he thought my company
retreat was in Boise?
It was in Tahiti.
That's such a relief.
I mean, part of me was worried
I was being unfair to Sheldon.
Take that part of yourself
and hide it away.
Just like I did with
last year's bonus check
that I "didn't get."
(knock on door)
Ms. Davis, you
wanted to see me?
Yes, Dr. Hofstadter,
come on in.
Should I sit or stand?
I'm not used to being called
into the dean's office.
Please, sit.
I have to say
I'm a little nervous.
You should be.
Look, I know I screwed up,
but it was only one interview.
How much damage
could it have caused?
Would you like for me
to read you the e-mails
from donors asking
why are they giving us money
if physics is a dead end?
I didn't say it
was a dead end.
I just said that I was
worried it might be.
So if I just said
I was worried
you might not
have a job next week,
how would you feel?
Light-headed, and glad
you asked me to sit down.
Okay, just tell me
what I can do.
I'm gonna need you
to make a statement
saying that you misspoke,
and that you're confident
the physics community is
close to a major breakthrough.
You want me to lie.
Look, Dr. Hofstadter,
I'm counting on you.
I think that you are
the smartest physicist
at this university.
Really?
See? Lies.
They're not that hard.
(door opens)
Hi.
Hello.
Huh. Looks like
you've been busy.
Oh, I have.
Uh, dark matter,
uh, reconciling gravity
and quantum mechanics.
Supersymmetry.
I've figured out the biggest problems in physics today.
Wow, you solved them all?
No, I just, I figured out that
they're the biggest problems.
Is this about what
Leonard said on the radio?
Absolutely not.
And I do not want
to talk about Leonard.
Can we please just talk
about anything else?
We could talk about my day.
Walked right into
that one, didn't I?
Well, since you sort of asked,
I actually had a very good day.
Got some new equipment
for my lab.
Well, congratulations.
I got some new equipment, too.
I got these markers.
They smell like fruit.
Which I did not notice
when I bought them.
(sniffs)
Don't really care for it.
Here, drink this.
It might help.
What if it doesn't?
Well, that's why
I brought the bottle.
No one would talk
to me in the halls.
They just glared at me.
It's like high school
all over again.
Oh, I would totally do
high school all over again.
But that doesn't help you.
No.
I got called in
to the administration office.
Ooh, look at my bad boy
getting called to the principal.
We don't technically
have a principal.
There's a standing committee
that oversees the budget.
Ooh, look at my bad boy
answering questions
nobody asked.
Hey, come on, look,
you said a few dumb things
on the radio-- what is
the worst that could happen?
I may get fired.
Okay, well, even if you did,
you could find another job.
Yeah, who wouldn't want
to hire the physicist
who publicly said
physics is dead?
Well, I wouldn't put that
under "special skills."
I can fix it, I just need
to write a retraction
I don't believe in-- basically
sell out to keep my job.
Great, I'll leave you to it.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Oy.
(knocking on door)
LEONARD:
Sheldon, it's me.
What?
Look, I know you're mad,
but I have to write a statement
that says the physics community
is close to a breakthrough,
and since you actually
believe that,
I could really use your help.
Sorry, I can't.
Come on, don't be like that.
I can't, because I think
you were right.
What?
Look.
(sighs)
Not all science pans out.
You know, we've
been hoping
supersymmetry
was true for decades,
and finally, we built
the Large Hadron Collider,
which is supposed to prove it
by finding these new particles,
and it-it hasn't.
And maybe
supersymmetry,
our last big idea,
is simply wrong.
Well, that sounds awful.
Now I get why everyone hates me.
Well, on the bright side,
after working together
for 15 years,
you finally get to hear me say,
"You were right."
Oh, yeah, you did.
How's it feel?
Mm, given I might be unemployed,
bittersweet.
Read it back to me?
Oh, hang on.
"Yes, one might question
the $20 billion
"to build and run
the Large Hadron Collider,
but on the other hand..."
Okay. Um...
Oh, oh! "On the other hand,
contrary to predictions,
"the collider didn't create
a small black hole
"that devoured the Earth
and life as we know it.
So, s-- money well spent."
This is depressing.
Do you have any alcohol
around here?
Uh, not surprisingly,
when Penny moved out,
she took every last drop. Um...
Oh, but I do have several
bottles of Romulan ale
that I bought at Comic-Con.
Isn't that just vodka
with blue dye in it?
You-- first, physics,
now Romulan ale.
What else would you like
to defecate on?
Hey. I thought you
were coming right back.
I was,
but we're both depressed,
and decided
to drown our sorrows.
In mouthwash?
Man, that is so summer camp.
I-It's Romulan ale,
from Star Trek.
It was briefly legalized
during the alliance
between the Romulan Empire
and the Federation
at the time of the Dominion War.
Aw, now I'm depressed.
The more I told him about
my lab, the pissier he got.
You know what
he said to me?
He said, "I hope
all your correlations
turn out to be specious."
He said that to your face?
What a dick.
You know,
you're a successful woman.
You should be able to brag
about your accomplishments
once in a while.
Well, so should you.
I mean, the guys
are never shy about bragging.
Tell me about it.
Howie texts me
every time his dog levels up
in Warcraft.
Has he ever called you
to tell you he found three
peanuts in one shell?
'Cause Sheldon has.
We should be able
to do that, too.
I guess we can
brag to each other.
That's a great idea.
Damn right it is;
I came up with it.
(chuckles)
That felt good.
You know, there's so much money
in pharmaceuticals,
we don't even wash out
our test tubes.
We just throw them out
and get new ones.
I just got a brand-new,
state of the art fMRI machine.
Whoa. Those things
are so expensive.
I know.
Sometimes, I just lie down in there and take a nap.
Oh.
It's like a million
dollar bunk bed.
At the office,
I have two assistants.
I don't even
know their names,
I just call them
Thing One and Thing Two.
That's great. I-I
don't have assistants.
Oh. I guess that's one of
the benefits
of being in the private sector.
That and all the money I make.
Yeah, you've got that.
I've got my integrity.
Hard to say which is better
without making you feel bad.
Okay. So you guys are upset
because the collider thing
disproved your theories?
I-It's worse than that.
It hasn't found anything
in years, so we don't know
if we're right,
we don't know if we're wrong.
We don't know where to go next.
All I know is it looks like
I tongue-kissed Avatar.
PENNY:
Come on.
You guys are physicists.
Okay? You're always
gonna be physicists.
And sure, sometimes,
the physics is hard,
but isn't that
what makes it boring?
Hey.
We're here.
What's going on?
Okay. As far as I can see,
science is dead,
'cause Leonard killed it.
And, uh,
I don't know
who the Romulans are,
but those guys
know how to party.
So, what do you
want us to do?
I don't know. You're scientists;
cheer them up.
"Cheer them up"?
Do you even know
what a scientist is?
No, we don't need
to be cheered up.
It just turns out that physics
is exactly like Lost.
Started out great, and turns out
just a big old waste of time.
Boo-hoo. You know
what you sound like?
Babies.
Two whiny babies.
And there's nothing
worse than being stuck
with two whiny babies!
Oh.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna
have two babies.
No, no, no, no.
Babies are great.
You're lucky to
have two babies.
I mean, look at me,
uh, I'm all alone.
I'm never gonna have babies,
'cause you can't make a baby
watching Netflix with your dog.
Thanks for coming.
I may not make as
much money as you,
but at least I know that
I'm actually doing something
that makes people's
lives better.
Hey, my work makes
people's lives better.
Especially if you have
moderate to severe eczema
and don't mind
if you lose teeth.
You're right.
We both do important work.
I'm trying to map the
structures of the brain,
and you're trying
to convince people
that itchy hair
is a real thing.
It is a real thing.
It happens to be a side effect
of our cholesterol drug.
I'm just saying
that my research
may actually change
the world forever.
I hope it does.
'Cause I'm gonna see that world from a yacht so big,
you can land
a helicopter on it.
(drink pouring)
Physics is all
we're cut out for.
I mean, if we weren't
physicists, w-what would we be?
I don't know. Popular?
(chuckles)
Mm-hmm.
It's fine. I don't need
to be a theoretical physicist.
There's lots of things
I could use this brain for.
I could be an accountant
for the mob.
I could guess
people's weight at the fair.
Okay. This is getting silly.
Is it?
180.
Okay.
That is enough.
Your lives are not wasted.
Your careers are not
at a dead end.
You just hit a
rough patch.
Instead of feeling sorry
for yourselves,
you need to get up
and get inspired.
How?
I don't know. You know, when I'm feeling down,
I go for a run, which is exactly
why I'm not 180 pounds, genius!
I know where we need to go.
Mm. Are we running there?
Because watching
drunk Sheldon run would be
the highlight of my life.
WOLOWITZ:
We're going to see
Richard Feynman.
Penny, Richard Feynman
is an iconic phys...
I know who he is.
Leonard dressed as him
for Halloween last year.
PENNY: I had no idea
Richard Feynman was dead.
Yep. Most people don't know
he's actually buried right here
in Altadena.
I'm sure they keep a lid on that
to avoid traffic jams.
Well.
(chuckles)
Here he is.
Oh, wow.
He's buried with his wife.
We get it. A lady loved you.
Quit bragging.
Feynman was so cool.
When I was a kid, I'd
put on some headphones
and crank up one of
his lectures and just...
jam out to knowledge.
This guy knew how to live.
He taught himself
musical instruments.
He studied Portuguese.
Just to give a speech
in Brazil.
The only part of me that's been
to Brazil is my bikini line.
Okay.
He did so much.
And here we are, stuck
and letting him down.
You know, Feynman used to
say he didn't do physics
for the glory or the awards,
but just for the fun of it.
He was right.
Physics is only dead when we
stop being excited about it.
Even beyond the grave,
he's imparting wisdom.
Um, I'm the one
who remembered it.
Give me the bottle.
I mean, it might be
a little corny, but I say
we pour one out
for all the science homies
who came before us.
I love that.
(Wolowitz chuckles)
Mm-hmm.
(chuckles softly)
(gags)
Here comes some more.
(Sheldon retching)
Ah, we got to see him run.
(knocks on door)
Oh, hi, you wanted to see me?
Yes. I wanted to talk to you
about the e-mail
you sent me last night.
I sent you an e-mail?
You bet you did.
"Hello.
Shalom and aloha from the grave
of Richard Feynman."
(groans):
Oh, it's coming back to me.
"Please accept
the following retraction:
"I know I said physics is dead,
"but it is the opposite of dead.
"If anything,
"it is undead, like a zombie.
"Speaking of which,
"if Richard Feynman
came back as a zombie,
I would totally
let him bite me."
Any chance that's the end?
"I got bit by a squirrel once.
"I had to get rabies shots.
"I cried so much,
"my mother said
'don't be a baby.'
"In conclusion,
"physics is great.
"Squirrels suck, and someday,
"I'm gonna put my mom
in a cheap nursing home.
"Yours truly,
XOXO, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter."
I-I can explain. I...
"P.S.
"Can you come
pick us up?
"The Uber driver
won't open the door
because Sheldon is covered
in blue vomit."