The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 12 - The Matrimonial Metric - full transcript

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can we try to avoid talking
to our friends tonight

about our wedding plans?

I'll do you one better.

I'll avoid talking
to our friends entirely

and play on my phone.

It's just, I haven't picked
a maid of honor yet,

and I'm having trouble deciding
between Penny and Bernadette.

Ah, understandable.

They are quite similar--

both blonde former waitresses
who married beneath them.



Penny is my best friend,

but I was Bernadette's
maid of honor,

and I think
she kind of expects it.

So if anyone brings
it up tonight,

just maybe you can help
me change the subject.

How about this?

I dominate
the conversation so hard,

no one has a chance
to get a word in edgewise.

I don't know.

They might see that coming.

What if we have
a code word?

Ooh, now you're speaking
my catamaran.

That's my code word
for “language.”

Okay, fine, catamaran.



That's our code word.

No, that's my code word.
Get your own.

Okay. Uh, pretzels.

You hear me say pretzels,
you change the subject.

Rhinos are my least favorite
animals at the zoo.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we started.

Hey, just-just hold the gate
still while I screw it in.

You know, I don't
know how I feel

about all this
baby-proofing.

If Halley can't teach herself
to walk down the stairs,

then maybe that's nature's way
of saying

the Wolowitz line ends here.

That's funny.
I always thought

Howard was nature's
way of saying

the Wolowitz
line ends here.

Me, too, but life does
find a way!

Hey, Halley can't reach
the liquor cabinet.

Why did you baby-proof it?

How did you know we did?

Fair point.

LEONARD: Bernadette
still going stir-crazy?

Oh, a little.

Two months of bed rest--
it's kind of rough.

Really? That sounds great.
How do I get that?

You'd either have to break your
hip or let Howard knock you up.

Now, either way, you'll get
flowers the next morning.

She's actually been
keeping herself busy

doing wedding research for you.

Oh, she-she doesn't
have to do that.

She wants to. After all,
you were her maid of honor.

Sheldon, tell your funny story
about pretzels.

Oh, right. Yeah, oh, yeah.

Did you know
that we've been thinking

of having pretzels
at our wedding? Hmm?

No, no. No, no, no,
no, no. I'm sorry.

No, rhinos. We're having
rhinos at our wedding.

No! (stammers)
I got to go.

I'm gonna need some help.

Someone baby-proofed
the front door.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 11x12 ♪
The Matrimonial Metric
Original Air Date

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Sheldon, what am I gonna do
about my maid of honor?

I mean, Bernadette gave me
all these bridal magazines.

She even folded down the pages
with the good dresses.

Hmm. Hmm.

I get it.

You know, Leonard once borrowed
my Edmund Scientific catalogue

and dog-eared some pages.

Never got 'em straight again.

Well, that is
exactly the same thing.

You really
understand my dilemma.

Actually, I do.
My mother

is pushing for my brother,
Georgie, to be my best man,

and I hate
to disappoint her again.

I already rejected her savior
and her LinkedIn invitation.

How are we gonna
make these decisions

without anybody getting upset?

Well, what if we take emotion
out of the process,

and base it
on empirical metrics?

Then we aren't really
making the decision;

the data is.

So we can hurt our
friends' feelings

without taking any
responsibility?

Me likey.

But how do we apply
quantitative metrics

to something as subjective
as choosing a wedding party?

That decision only
seems subjective.

In reality,

people in a wedding party
perform very specific functions,

and some will perform those
better than others.

If I may use
a superhero analogy...

You may not.

Okay, I'll use real people.

Um, if a certain
dog-like loyalty is useful,

then it's Leonard, hmm?

If, uh, having a PEZ dispenser

filled with TUMS is
an advantage, Wolowitz, yeah.

If a best man
with fake testicles hanging

from his truck is important,

well, then, my brother's
back in the running.

Okay, I see your point.

So we break down
each of the roles

into their component parts,

and then design
specialized tests for each.

Exactly. Boy, if I had known
getting married was going to

involve so much science,
I'd have proposed years ago.

So Leonard,
tell everyone your news.

Oh, oh, I'm
starting a book.

That would be big news
from Penny,

but you've read a book before.

He means he's writing a book.

I do. It's something I've been
thinking about for a long time.

Yeah. It's about
a brilliant physicist

who solves crimes
using science.

Oh, Leonard...

It's not about you.

He probably has to say
that for legal reasons.

WOLOWITZ:
Uh-oh.

They gave us plain rice
instead of fried rice.

Well, no fair!

I SoulCycled this morning.

I'm entitled
to a pile of fat rice.

Well, I would say that this
constitutes a catering crisis.

I agree. Who's gonna
step up and handle it?

Doesn't matter.
This is fine.

(mouths)

Penny?

(mouth full):
What?

You know what?
I'll take care of it.

(speaks Mandarin)

Done.

You didn't make him
feel bad, did you?

Actually, he
was laughing.

(laughs)

I'm really impressed
at how you handled that, Howard.

WOLOWITZ:
Please.

I've been sending food
back my entire life.

One of my first
full sentences was,

“I had breast milk
for breakfast”"

Excuse me,
b-before we start eating,

I-I would like
to make a toast.

Oh, nice.
Oh, nice.

If only I could
think of one.

Someone else go.

Hey. Here's the sewing kit
you asked for.

Ooh! A minute, 19.

Quick.

You were timing me?

Yes. I am going through
a bit of a timing phase.

How long will it last?

We'll find out.

What did you need the kit for?

Oh, um...

Sh-Sheldon was squatting down
to pick up a fork

and he ripped his pants.

Oh, someone's gonna
be sore tomorrow.

(door closes)
Oh, quick thinking.

But for future lies,

this is as far
as I can squat.

Penny gets 20 points
for the sewing kit.

Yeah, minus five,

because this is mine.

Well, she's still pulling
a commanding lead.

Did Bernadette even try
to send us a sewing kit?

She did.
Amazon, standard shipping,

not even Prime.
(gasps)

We could've done
that ourselves.

(chuckles)
That's what she said.

Maybe we're being
old-fashioned,

defining these
roles by gender.

You know, historically,
the best man's role

was to defend the bride
and groom in combat.

I mean, if that's not Penny,

I don't know what
we're doing here.

I see your point.

Okay, we are officially open
to a best woman

and a gentleman of honor.

Oh, those names are terrible.

One point off for you.

What am I being
tested for?

Oh, it's not important.
But if you don't pass,

none of this matters.

Okay, what's the next test?

Loyalty.

We need to choose
someone who has our backs,

someone who will keep our
secrets even from each other.

Well, I don't have any secrets
from you.

Do you have secrets from me?

Yes.

Oh, that has been weighing
on me for years.

Come here.

Would you call yourself
a loyal and trustworthy friend?

Yeah, I like to think so.
Great.

Because I need to tell you
something about Howard,

but you can't tell him
that I told you.

Nope. Don't want to hear it.

Do not like to engage in gossip.

Okay. I respect
your integrity.

Is it about
his special underwear?

Because I already know.
And that's all I'll say.

Fine, it has
a charcoal filter in it.

It's really sweet of you
to come by and keep me company.

Agreed. Uh...

So, listen,
I have a secret

that I need to
tell someone.

But you can
never say a word.

Not even to Howard.

I'm your girl. Lay it on me.

Really?

You keep things
from your husband?

No, I tell him everything.

Don't be a child.

Okay. Here it is.

I can control
the thermostat

in Leonard's apartment
with my phone.

And when he makes me mad,

I turn it up, slightly.

Oh, hey. I didn't
know you were here.

What are you two
talking about?

Literally, nothing interesting.

Oh, you're good.

Okay, getting to
the ceremony on time.

Leonard, quick.
I need you to get me

to Arcadia
within the hour.

The train store's
having a sale.

Why can't Amy drive you?

Because of the tradition
that I cannot see Amy

on the day of
the train store sale.

Please, please see a doctor.

Next test.
Just wait one second.

Is it getting
hot in here?

(laughs)

I'm sorry.
Where were we?

How well do our friends know us?

So I was talking
to my favorite aunt...

Aunt Doe, right?

Exactly.

Did she ever figure out what
that thing on her knee was?

Turns out it was
a chocolate chip.

Hmm. Makes sense,
she does like to bake.

Yes, she does. Damn,
you are a thoroughbred.

You know, dealing
with cold feet

is an important part of being
both best man and maid of honor.

Maybe we should test
for that ability.

You really think you
might get cold feet?

Actually, I was
talking about you.

Amy...

if there's one thing in
this world I'm sure of,

you are right
to be worried.

Good night.

Howard.

I've had my eye on this
limited edition Swamp Thing,

but now that I'm
about to buy it,

I'm having second thoughts.
What do you think?

I don't know, Sheldon,
it's pretty expensive.

Yes, but what if it will
make me happy, you know,

waking up and seeing it every
morning for the rest of my life?

Really, a walking
clump of swamp grass?

Yeah, well, Bernadette's
no prize either!

Hey, what you doing?
Oh.

Sheldon gave me a brain teaser.
It's kind of fun.

It's about a group
of people at dinner,

and you have to figure out where
they can sit without fighting.

Oh, yeah, is this
the one where Mr. Green

can't sit next to
anyone eating meat,

and Uncle Light Blue

won't sit next to any
of the darker colors?

Yeah, did Sheldon
send it to you?

Amy did. I solved it already.

Really?
Yeah.

Same way I solved
my jury duty summons,

I threw it away.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, Aunt Orange can't
sit next to the bar

without Ms. Pink saying,

“Jesus thinks you've
had enough whiskey.”

Did Sheldon and Amy give
you guys that puzzle, too?

Yeah. Is it just me or
have they been acting strange?

I don't think they're acting.

Yeah, the other day,
Sheldon made me

take him to the train store.

We didn't go inside.
He just said,

“Nicely done,”
and then we went home.

Yeah, and Amy gave me
this plastic ring

and told me to hold on to it.

I got one, too.

Yeah, same.

Yeah, me, too.

But-but Cinnamon ate it.

I-I'll get it
back tomorrow.

I have to say, this
is going pretty well.

It is.

I-If experimenting on humans
is morally wrong,

then I don't want
to be morally right.

(door opens)

Hey, are you testing us

to see who gets
to be in your wedding?

Yes.
No.

Wha-- they're rating us.

And I'm in last?

Don't panic,
there's still time.

Look, it's a marathon,
not a sprint.

You know what,
this is so insulting.

I-I don't even want to be
your stupid best man.

Yeah.
Me neither.

W-W-Wait, wait.

Just out of curiosity,
which one of you figured it out?

I did.

Impressive.

Hello, Stuart.

Oh, hey, Sheldon.

Can I interest you
in a cappuccino?

When did you start
selling those?

Oh, someone left it here,
but it's still warm.

Want to say four bucks?

No, thank you.

Oh. Everything okay?

Well...

I secretly experimented
on my friends,

and now none of them
want to be my best man.

So, you know,
normal wedding drama.

Sorry.

Probably have to use
my stupid brother.

So get ready for a wedding toast
delivered by his armpit.

Well, if you really don't
want to use your brother,

I'd be your best man.

Really?

Yeah, we're friends.

Plus, it'd be nice.

Never really been called
the best before.

Or a man, for that matter.

Okay, well, uh,
thank you, Stuart.

That's a very generous offer.

My pleasure.

I-I understand

the best man usually
receives a present.

That's true.

Can never have
too much Claritin.

You're still working on
Sheldon's dumb brain teaser?

Oh, my God, Dr. Purple's
a woman! Of course!

Oh, that feels so good.

Hello.

I believe I owe the
three of you an apology.

No argument here.

By experimenting on you,

I realize I've
violated your trust

and possibly the
Geneva Convention.

Is that it?

No.

So as to not upset
any of you further,

I've asked Stuart
to be my best man,

and he's agreed.

You're all still invited
to the bachelor party.

Uh, he's thinking Costco
and the theme is browsing.

You picked Stuart
over one of us?

Well, I wanted to
choose one of you,

but you all
turned against me.

Picking a best man isn't
about keeping score.

But you're all my friends.

I mean,
if I didn't collect data,

how could I possibly choose
among the three of you?

Well, that's actually
kind of sweet.

Is it? Perhaps I said it wrong.

Look, this is your wedding,
just pick whoever you want.

You don't need to worry
about anyone else but yourself.

You've kind of been training
for this your whole life.

Thank you, Leonard.

And if it helps...
these two are quitters.

(keys jingle)
Hey, what you making?

Uh, well, I spilled
the cheese packet,

so we're having mac and nothing.
Oh.

Yeah. I'll just have the mac.

“Nothing” gives me gas.
(chuckles)

Why are you in such a good mood?

Mm, I just talked to Sheldon.

He apologized about the tests
and asked me to be his best man.

Uh, great. After all you've done
for him, he should've asked you.

And Amy's your best friend.

I'm sure she'll come
to her senses and pick you.

Okay, she's not my best friend.
We're not 12.

If she wants Bernadette
to be her maid of honor,

I really don't care.

Sounds like you care.

No, I mean, it-it's
just annoying.

You know, we talk every day.
We see each other all the time.

She's always there
for me, and basically--

oh, my God, Amy's
my best friend.

You okay?

No, my best friend didn't ask
me to be her maid of honor.

I'm pissed!

So, bottom line, what you
did was wrong and cruel,

which the mother of my children
finds oddly appealing.

So she still wants
to be my maid of honor?

Maid of honor, hit woman,
whatever you need.

Make the call.

Look, I know this
is your wedding,

and you can do
whatever you want,

but if you think anyone but me
is gonna be your maid of honor,

then you're an idiot because
you are my best friend.

Too late. Bernade...

Bestie!

Stuart, I'm sorry
if it's weird

Sheldon made me best man
instead of you.

It's okay.

I was best man
for two whole days.

No one can take that
away from me.

Except for Sheldon,
when he did.

Although, if you
want to be a part

of the wedding party,

I suppose you could be
the flower girl.

Sold.

Well, I thought Halley
was gonna be the flower girl.

Oh, that's much better.

Sorry, Stuart,
you're out.

Hey, so is Bernadette okay
with me being maid of honor?

Actually, I haven't
had the courage to tell her.

I guess I should do that.

Uh, yeah.
(clears throat)

Although, as
maid of honor,

your job is to
make my life easier.

(groans)
Damn it.

Hey, Stuart, you still
want in on this wedding?

Not that much.

(sighs)
Fine, I'll do it.

But do me a favor and unlock
the liquor cabinet first.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man