The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - The Geology Elevation - full transcript

Thank you very much.
Thanks.

LEONARD:
That is unbelievable.

Good for Bert.

Damn, the MacArthur
Genius Grant.

Couldn't have happened
to a nicer guy.

Everything is stupid
and I want to go home.

That's Sheldon's way of saying

he's proud of Bert, too.

Ah.

Hey, it's not even called
the "Genius Grant,"

it's the MacArthur Fellowship.



Just like it's
not Frankenstein,

it's "Frankenstein's Monster."

Which brings us back

to that hulking
simpleton over there.

And if anyone's a genius,

it's me for the way
I brought that full circle.

How much money did he win?

Over half a million dollars.

Wow.
And he doesn't
have to use it

for research, he can do
whatever he wants with it.

Oh, good, maybe he can build
a nicer bridge to live under.

Here he comes.
Right.

Be polite.

I know how to behave.



Do you?

Hey,
congratulations Bert!

Yeah, good for you.
That's amazing.

Thanks.

I was as surprised as anybody.

When they called
and told me

I won, I didn't believe them.

And then they said,
"No, you really won."

And then I said, "Cool."

Someone call
George R. R. Martin,

this guy knows how
to finish a story.

I've gotten pretty good
at telling it.

Well, see ya.

Some genius.

I zinged him with sarcasm,
he didn't even notice.

the greatest sarcastic
quip I've ever heard.

Well, aren't you a peach.

¶ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ¶

¶ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ¶

¶ The Earth began to cool ¶

¶ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ¶

¶ We built the Wall ¶
¶ We built the pyramids ¶

¶ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ¶

¶ That all started
with a big bang ¶

¶ Bang! ¶

Who leaves their bike
in the hallway?

You know,
if I knew how to ride one,

I'd steal it.

Ignore him,

he's just cranky because Bert
from the geology lab

Oh, I heard him
interviewed on the radio!

You know, when they
told him he won,

he didn't believe it,
but then he did believe it.

It was so funny.

SHELDON: Who listens
to the radio anymore?

Bert is studying the way
microbes in rocks

can survive in extreme
environmental conditions.

They say it could be
a potential indicator

of life on other planets.

You know what, I've met Bert.

Isn't he an indicator
of life on other planets?

(chuckles)

SHELDON: You used to
make those jokes about me.

Now everything is
Bert, Bert, Bert!

You know, Sheldon,

maybe if you take the time

to actually
read Bert's research,

you'd be less bitter
about him winning.

(stammering):
You want me to read

a geology paper?

Honestly, I just
want you to be quiet

but I'm all out of taffy.

(knocking)
You busy?

There's somebody out here
who wants to meet you.

Who is it?

Say hello to everybody's
little friend--

remote control
Stephen Hawking!

Where did you get that?

I found him in an old box.

Why would you buy it?

I didn't buy it.

I made it.

Last question.

What is wrong with you?

What's the big deal?

Howie, it's in poor taste.

No, it's not.
Check it out.

He says fun stuff.

RC HAWKING:
Hey good lookin',

want to go for a spin?

His eyes also light up
in the dark.

It's always fun watching him
read someone else's work.

(scoffs)

(moans)

It's like scrolling
through the emojis

on my phone.

Ye-- why?

Eh, why?!

Oh, that's why.

Sounds like the night
we had coitus.

I hope you're happy
making me read this.

Bert's work is remarkable.

And I'm more upset
than ever.

This is worse than
when I had to admit that

Cedric the Entertainer's
actually entertaining.

Sheldon, it's foolish

to be angry that
Bert's work has merit.

Yeah, well I-I am angry!

And you telling me
not to be angry

makes me angry!

And do you know how
hearing myself

say the word angry
over and over makes me feel?

Ooh, a-angry?
What are you doing?

I-I-I knew the answer.
I got excited.

Hey, buddy, why don't
we go for a walk,

so you can calm down.

(sighs)

That's a good idea.

I guess everyone's
having them now.

Hey, I'm trying
to help you.

You can walk ahead of me
and scare off the pigeons.

Just wave your arms a little
and they fly away, it's not...

Okay, Raj,

I'm gonna
show you something.

Now,

one of us thinks it's offensive.

The other thinks it's hilarious

and a great idea.

But, I'm not
going to tell you

who likes it.

This is tough.

But I'm going to say

it's the guy who
shows me YouTube videos

of people getting hit
in the nuts.

(laughing)

You're crazy.

I've worked with Hawking.

He's got a great sense of humor.

And I think he'd like it.

Okay, call him and show him.

I dare you.

I have no problem calling him.

Fine, then do it.

Fine, I will.

While you're bothering the
world's most famous scientist,

be sure to show him
how funny he looks

getting stuck
under our dishwasher.

What's this button do?

Gentlemen,
start your wheelchairs.

You laughed when that guy
got hit in the nuts.

I laughed because
the guy was Leonard.

I admire you, Leonard.

Really, why?

You're happy with who you are.

You don't get jealous
of other people.

Instead of being
weighed down by ambition,

you just float along
like a dead body in a river.

I couldn't just
take the compliment.

I had to ask why.

You know, I do understand
what you're feeling.

My brother and sister's
accomplishments

have always been
held over my head.

How did you deal with it?

I wet the bed until college,
but I don't think

that's a quality fix.

I can't believe I was
surpassed by a geologist.

I mean...

rocks!

He studies rocks!

If rock is so great,
how come paper beats it?

Leonard, I'm having
a primal urge

to throw this rock.

Do it.

Visualize it
as your anger

a-and-and toss it
out of your life.

Perhaps I will.

This rock

encapsulates
all my negative emotions.

I will cast you far away.

Feel free to take out a pigeon
while you're at it.

Let it fly.

(inhales deeply)

Ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow...

What happened?

I tried to let go of anger

and threw a rock
into my foot!

Then he got more angry
and kicked the rock

with his other foot.
Wha--?

And what happened to you?

Oh, I laughed so hard,

I burst a blood vessel
in my nose. It's fine.

You know, it's one thing
to be envious,

but now you're
injuring yourself.

It has to stop.

Although if you are
gonna do it again,

please let me know,
so I can get it on video.

You know, Sheldon,

instead of fixating
on what Bert has,

you should appreciate

all of the good things
in your life.

Y-You've got love,

you're in good health,

you've got a roof
over your head.

Yeah,

but you've got all those things,

and no one's lining up
to be you.

Anybody else want to try?

I'm gonna go
make some more tea

and question
my life choices.

LEONARD:
You're up.

(Penny clears throat)

This is getting old fast,
Dolores, knock it off!

Uh, do you really think

calling me names is helpful?

Your life is fine,
you big baby!

Maybe you're right.

Really?!

If it helps,
I'm questioning

your life choices, too.

Thank you, Penny.

You know, I just need
to keep reminding myself

that Bert's success
is not my failure.

There you go.

And that men
of his large stature

are more susceptible
to a wide array

of life-threatening diseases.

There you go...

What's up?

I'm conducting
a quick survey.

Do you think this
respectful

and loving tribute
to a great man

is in poor taste?

Yep.

Do you think this is
in poor taste?

Does it spin around
and do tricks?

Yeah!

Then yeah.

What do you think?

That is hilarious!

I want to drive him
into the girls' restroom.

All right, we're done.
It's offensive.

Top of the afternoon,
gentlemen.

You're in a good mood.

Well, it's a new day.
I have a new outlook.

You know, I realized
I don't need to worry

about other people.

I just need to think
more about myself.

Oh, how will we ever
get used to the new you?

Well, I'm glad to
see you moving forward.

Bert did quality
research.

And he deserves whatever
accolades he receives.

What is going on?

Did you upgrade
his software last night?

I think he might be
learning on his own.

Then the robot uprising
has begun.

Excuse me, I need to pay Bert

a proper congratulations.

He doesn't just look
like C-3PO,

now he walks like him.

I wanted to let you know
that I read your research,

and your award is
well-deserved.

Thanks. I've been
hearing that a lot.

Ever since I won,
people think I'm great.

Well, just this once,

you can count me as people, too.

You know, as a
MacArthur Grant winner,

I'm allowed to nominate
someone for next year.

Really?

I didn't know that.

So I was thinking,
you know,

engineers don't get
a lot of respect.

Is your friend Howard
working on anything cool?

You know, I-I'm not sure.

You know, you'd have to ask him.

Excuse me.

Aah!
(loud bang, thud)

SHELDON: Leonard!
I hurt myself again.

Excuse me, I-I have to
go take some pictures.

I can't believe you
head-butted a water fountain.

No, I went to punch
the water fountain,

slipped in water in front
of the water fountain,

and hit my head
on the water fountain.

I can't imagine you
being violent.

It's not hard.
Just picture the Three Stooges,

and then take away two stooges.

I'm so disappointed
in myself.

Jealousy is
completely illogical.

It's a human
emotion, Sheldon.

Everyone gets jealous.

I'm jealous of
Leonard and Penny

and Howard and Bernadette

for being in such
happy relationships.

What about me and Sheldon?

Sure.

I've always been jealous
of how much money

Raj's family has.

Thank you for saying that.
Next to buying things,

that is the best part
about having money.

Ever since I met Penny,

I've been envious
of her looks.

Aw, thank you.

That's why I was so happy
when you cut your hair off.

What?!

You know what I mean.

You were still hot,
but more like a

"why'd that hot girl
cut off all her hair?" hot.

You liked my
short hair, right?

Yeah... I loved it.

Love you, love the hair, would
love to change the subject.

Seriously, none of you liked it?

I thought it was brave.

Does that count as liking it?

You know, how come
nobody's talking about

Howard's dopey haircut?

I think he looks cute.

And I think
you're cute.

I think you're both cute.

I think I hate all of you nerds.

Sorry I'm moving slowly.

If you pull a butterscotch
out of your pocket,

it would be like I'm
walking with my grandma.

Oh, no.

Did you...
A plaque?

Nobody wants to see this.

Well, change "plaque"
to "mixed-race couple"

and you are my grandma.

I can't take this anymore.

Bert. Bert.
Bert!

BERT:
Come in.

All right, let's do this...

Bert?

We need to talk.

What happened to you?

Rock, rock, water fountain.

I am not proud of this.

But I have been envious
of your recent success.

Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant,

everyone's jealous of me.

Once I get Lasik, I'll be
out of things to wish for.

I was hoping by admitting
my weakness to you,

I'd somehow be unburdened.

Is it working?
No.

Now that you know my weakness,

I hate you more than ever.

Well, you know, we're
both pretty smart.

I bet if we put
our heads together,

we could come up
with a solution.

We... Hang on.

You're my enemy.

Now, the enemy of the enemy
is my friend.

And right now,
I'm my own worst enemy.

That makes you my fr--
Okay, I'm good to go.

Great.

Now that we're friends,
want to see if we can

get tickets
to a taping of Ellen?

You know what?
This isn't gonna work.

Sheldon... wait.

You know, you've got
a lot to be happy about.

You're at the top
of your field,

you have a great girlfriend.

Yes! That's right!

I have Amy!

In the past, you've
professed feelings for her.

Does it eat you up inside

that I have her
and you don't?

It used to.

But now that I'm rich
and successful,

I think I can do better.

I can't believe
you punched Bert.

I didn't punch him.

He turned around,
and I gave him

a Captain Kirk karate chop.

I'm not even sure

he knows I did it.

Hey, Sheldon,

I've got someone here who
might make you feel better.

Hello, Sheldon.

Professor Hawking!

you're struggling
with professional jealousy.

Thanks, Leonard, now he's
not gonna think I'm cool.

Don't worry,
I know how you feel.

I have never won a Nobel Prize.

Oh, wow, that
doesn't seem fair.

It's fine.

I've been on The Simpsons.

How do you deal with
the success of your colleagues?

I remind myself

every scientific advancement
is a victory.

Also, I was on Star Trek.

Oh, it was a good one. He played
poker with Sir Isaac...

You don't care.

Don't waste your time
on jealousy,

Sheldon, you're too brilliant.

How can you feel bad

if Stephen Hawking says
you're brilliant?

I can't.

Thank you, Professor Hawking.

You are a gift to mankind.

There should be statues
of you everywhere.

You know, the Lincoln Memorial
has a big chair.

We could swap you right in.

I always thought a motorized toy
of me would be cool.

What a wonderful idea!

How does this man
not have a Nobel?

Do not tell Wolowitz.
Way ahead of you.

A new study came out,
and it said that laughing

makes your brain work better.

And I know that's true
because laughing

has made me the "smartiest."

(laughter)

Although, on the other hand,

babies laugh a lot,
and they're dumb.

(laughter)

Do people know about her?

'Cause she's delightful.