The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - The Fetal Kick Catalyst - full transcript

Hey, have you ever heard of
the Van Nuys Comic-Con?

?Yeah.

It's a dinky little convention
where they sell collectibles

and get sad D-list celebrities
to appear. Why?

I got asked
to sign autographs there.

That's awesome!

Is this for
Serial Ape-ist?

Well, it could be
for the monkey movie.

It could be
my hemorrhoid commercial.

The list does not go on.

- When is it?
- It doesn't matter.



I'm not doing it.

What? Why not?

You just said yourself,
it's sad.

Yeah, but it's
not pathetic.

That's where
I draw the line.

Come on! We'll have fun.

I don't know.

You'll have nerds
fawning all over you.

If you don't love that,
this marriage is in trouble.

I guess it wouldn't hurt
to meet some fans

and make a little extra money.

Yeah.

Wow! An appearance
by George Lucas...

...'s dermatologist.



- Oh, I want that autograph.
- Oh, yeah.

? Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ?

? Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ?

? The Earth began to cool ?

? The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ?

? We built the Wall ?
? We built the pyramids ?

? Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ?

? That all started
with a big bang ?

? Bang! ?

? The Big Bang Theory 10x06 ?
The Fetal Kick Catalyst
Original Air Date

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

You know, with us living
together, maybe we could

think about having people over.

We have people
over all the time.

We have the maintenance people,
the pizza delivery man...

...that UPS driver
who feels the need to ask

how parts of me are hanging.

You know what I meant.

All right, fine.

Let's say that

we were to entertain people.

What type of gathering
did you have in mind?

Huh? A meal? Lunch?

Brunch? Dinner?

Afternoon tea?
A formal tea? Hmm?

Is it a party?
And if so, what kind of party?

Is it a cocktail party?

A Tupperware party?

Ooh, yeah--
is it a surprise party?

Oh, I hope it's not

a West Coast party,
'cause according to

the man on the radio,
a West Coast party don't stop.

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Oh, don't be.
You get your hopes up,

I knock them down.
That's called teamwork.

That's a kick.

That's an actual kick.

What are you doing?

I felt a kick.

There's a baby in there.

Oh, yeah, that's where I put it.

Oh, I mean, I know
you're pregnant.

I just...

never connected
the idea of pregnancy

and you actually having a baby.

Which MIT did you go to?

Oh, God, we are not ready
to have an infant in this house!

We don't have a crib,
we don't have diapers.

We're not baby-proofed.

Anyone can just walk in off the
street and lift our toilet lids!

Howie, we have time
to do all that stuff.

Do we?

Look at you.

Willy Wonka would roll you
to the juicing room.

The next person kicking you
will be me.

Good night.

Are we even
in a good school...?

Ow!

I warned you,
and I did it.

What's all this?

Oh, everything we need
for your autograph session--

head shots, markers.
Okay.

Leonard, it's sweet
you're excited about this,

but it'll be a miracle if one
person asks for my autograph.

Are you kidding?

I once paid $20
for Theo Sassler's signature.

- Who's that?
- Oh, I don't even know.

I just liked his name.
Theo Sassler!

Oh, and look at this.

I even got a change maker.

How much change you want,
little lady?

Oh, there's so much
I want to change.

Yeah, well, if it's a dollar,
you're in luck.

What's going on here?

You expressed an interest
in having people over,

and I feel
I dismissed it too quickly.

So, I took matters

into my own hands,
and I arranged a brunch.

Well, that's so nice.

Who's coming?

Oh, uh, Stuart,
Bert from the geology lab,

and Mrs. Petrescu
from downstairs.

You mean the Romanian lady
on the second floor?

Yes.

Oh, fun story:

she grew up with ten siblings.

Or possibly penguins.
Her English is atrocious.

That's an odd mix of people.

Well, for our first time
hosting,

I thought it would be wise
to conduct a trial run.

You know,
like how I practiced

for that Halloween haunted house

by going into the bathroom
at the bus station.

You never went
into that haunted house.

You never saw what jumped out
at me at the bus station.

Well, thank you, Sheldon.

This is a fun surprise.

Oh. Well, the real surprise is

how surprised you are
that I'm great at surprises.

Well, that's not a
surprise at all.

I mean, if I knew you
were good at surprises,

I would have
expected the surprise,

and therefore not
have been surprised.

But as it is,
I didn't know,

and therefore my surprise
should be unsurprising.

Don't get me all randy.
Guests are on the way.

Hi.

Hey, where you been?

Oh, we went and did a little
shopping for the baby.

Wait till you see
the crib we found.

You bought a crib without me?

You're gonna love it.
Yeah.

It's the highest rated one
on the market.

I wouldn't even
call it a crib.

I'd call it a Fortress
of Solitude for babies.

Sounds expensive.

Okay, well,
I may have gone

a bit overboard, but you can't
put a price on safety.

Though if you did, it's more
zeroes than you're expecting.

But it's the safest crib
you can buy.

And if you don't like it,
we can return it.

Fine.
In our new minivan.

Hey, what's for lunch?

You bought a minivan?!

It's for the baby,
and I didn't buy it.

The dealer
loaned it to me

for a 24-hour test drive.

Though we did ding up the back
pretty good with the crib,

so you might have
bought a minivan.

I don't want to drive that.
It's such a mom car.

The guy at the dealership said

they're not just
for moms anymore.

Then again,

he did think
you were my husband.

They thought it
at the ultrasound.

Why not at the car dealership?

Never been on this side
of the table before.

I feel powerful.

Really?

I feel like I'm selling candy so
our team can get new uniforms.

Okay, so it's $4.75
for a signed black-and-white

and $9.95 for a color.

Right. Why not five
and ten bucks?

Well, I brought my moneymaker.
Let me shake it.

Hey, that guy's
looking over here.

Oh. You think
he's your first autograph?

I don't know. Be cool.
He's coming. He's coming.

- Hi!
- Hi.

I love your movie.

Well, thanks.

It has got to be
one of the worst things

I've ever seen in my life.

Your love confuses me.

Would you like
an autograph?

Sure.

Okay. Who do I make it out to?

Daniel.

- Okay.
- I have to ask.

Were you trying to be that bad,

or are you just
a terrible actress?

That did not clear things up.

That'll be $4.75.

Keep the change.

But I... Oh.

Nothing about that
was good.

Mm-mm.

There's nothing
to be afraid of, Sheldon.

The average cork speed
is 25 miles per hour.

If that is too fast
around a school,

it is certainly too fast
around a kitchen.

Been 15 minutes.
Just sayin'.

Okay. I can do this.

Just give me a moment...

Oh!

Mimosas coming up.

I once left orange juice
in my fridge so long,

it tasted like a mimosa.

How old was it?

It's hard to say.

I don't remember much
after I drank it.

Would you like one,
Mrs. Petrescu?

Yes. Drink is fun
and good friends-- Applebee's.

She's learning English from TV.

TV, good. Now back to you.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Stuart.

These are for you.

Oh, they're pretty.
Thank you.

Stuart, this is Bert
from the Caltech geology lab,

and this is Mrs. Petrescu
from downstairs.

Nice to meet you.

- Hello.
- Hey.

So, what did I miss?

Eh, we watched Sheldon
try to open a bottle

for 15 minutes.

15 minutes can save you
15% or more on car insurance.

Anybody else coming
to this thing? Uh...

- What's your name? Okay.
- Jeff.

Okay.

My favorite part
is your shower scene.

Been hearing that a lot today.

I even have a screen grab
on my phone.

Yep, there they are.

Okay, let's
keep it moving.

Here you go.

Should've punched that guy.

Well, go ahead.
He's right over there.

Why do you do that?
Can't you let me have my moment?

- Hello.
- Hi.

I like your movies.

Thank you!

I saw both of them.

I assume we're still
talking about the movies,

but after today,
who knows.

You think I could get
a picture of us?

Oh, sure.

And, uh, could you be

giving me a kiss?

No. She cannot kiss...

What is wrong with you people?!

- Leonard...
- No, no, no. It's not okay.

Who are you?

I'm her husband.

No, you're not.

I am.

Yeah, he really is.

No.

It's got a rearview camera,
there's a DVD player--

oh, and check this out.

It's like we're living
in the future!

Hey, show her the trunk!
Show her the trunk!

Imagine this:
you've got the baby in one hand,

groceries in the other,
and you're thinking,

"How am I gonna
open this trunk?"

I'm probably thinking,
"Where's my husband,

and why isn't he helping me?"

You don't need my help
when you can open the trunk

with a simple kick of the foot.

No, it's a gentle kick;
you're doing it wrong.

Here. Give me those.

Uh, maybe it was
more of a circle?

It's weird that guy thought
you were a couple.

Yes!
Yes!

See?

Easy. And look at
all this cargo space.

You know,
we'll get the crib out

and you can take it
for a test-drive.

I'm telling you,
this van is gonna be...

Oh, is it your back?

Uh... yeah.

Anyway, let's just get
in and see if the GPS

can take us to the
nearest emergency room.

So until
Amy's apartment is fixed,

she and I
are living here together.

I lived with my old girlfriend.

She was a geologist, too.

Things didn't work out?

I came home from work one day
and she had taken everything.

I'm warning you,

hide your good rocks.

My sister's husband
took all her things, too.

Story at 11:00.

Really, no one else is coming?

Oh, this is it.

You are the practice round.

Practice round? For-for what?

Uh, no.
He-he just means that

you were the first people
we thought of.

You know, exactly.

We've never thrown
a brunch before,

and I wanted to work
out all the kinks.

So, I'm like a lab rat

before your real friends
come over?

Oh.

You see, your words
sound reasonable,

but your face
looks angry.

Help me out here.
This is not where I shine.

Stuart,

you know you're one of
our favorite people.

Okay, now, see,
you look sincere,

but your words are
completely false.

I'm glad we did
this test run.

These brunches
are wild!

But how did you get her
to go out with you?

Well, she moved in
across the hall.

And he started
to slowly wear me down.

Mm-hmm.

Like a river carves a canyon.

Yeah, except the river kept
showing me his Pok?mon cards.

Ready to go?

Hang on.
This guy's telling me

how he got the Serial Ape-ist
girl to marry him.

This guy?

But he's wearing
a change maker.

I think it's hot.

That's right.

I'm her change daddy.

What was I thinking?

Wolowitzes are not
a lifting people!

We tip the lifting people!

Do we really
have to sit for hours

in the emergency room?

They're just gonna give you
ice and Advil

like last time.

You're gonna feel terrible
when I'm in a wheelchair.

Which, by the way,
would fit easily in the back

of this award-winning minivan.

Fine, we'll go to the E.R.
Just stop selling me on the van.

You're right. It sells itself.

You have to admit,
it's a pretty smooth ride.

I was hoping it'd be quieter.

If childbirth is half this bad,

you are so screwed!

Are we there yet?!
Soon.

Why is it taking so long?!

H-Howard, Howard,
look at the DVD screen.

I put on Batman: The Animated
Series. Your favorite!

I'm in too much pain
to watch cartoo...

Oh! This is a good one.

I've been babysitting him

way longer than you have.

Fine. I'll buy the stupid van.

This is the best blintz
I've ever had.

Oh. Thank you.

It almost makes up for the
incredibly awkward turn

things took earlier.

You know what,
I-I think I'm just gonna go.

No, Stuart, don't.

No, I-I consider you
and Sheldon like my family,

and I'm not even sure
you think of me as a friend.

You have any idea
how that feels?

We're so sorry.

I'm always the last one
anybody thinks of.

Well, no, that's not true.

I mean, sometimes
it's Koothrappali.

But we're not
supposed to say that 'cause

he's a minority.

Bye.

Stuart, wait.

I do know what it feels like
to be left out.

I know how it feels, too.

All right, this is about me
and him; you're not part of it.

Stuart, perhaps we do
take you for granted,

and that is not acceptable.

Please know that you truly
are a valuable member

of our social group.

Thank you.

You know, in fact,
I'd like to propose a toast.

To Stuart.

A fine man,

a good friend
and a wonderful guest.

Hear, hear.
Cheers.

Cheers. Filmed before
a live studio audience.

And that is how a short
asthmatic scientist

landed a stone cold fox.

Oh. Whoa.

I didn't know you can
propose to the same person

so many times.

The third time,
I did it in skywriting,

but she never looked up.

You know, once,
I proposed to him.

Yeah. I said no.

Why?

I just wanted to
make her work for it.

Yeah, that's gonna
cost you later.

Hang on. Is she just with
you because you're rich?

She makes more
money than I do!

What?! Who are you?!

Do you know
what else I love about you?

Hmm?

Y-Your handwriting
is impeccable!

Thank you for noticing!

No, I mean it. I mean it.

It's like you have
the soul of a label maker.

You know what I
love about you?

Hmm?

You never leave the house
without a paper clip!

You never know
when two pieces of paper

might temporarily need fastening
in the top left corner.

I also love how you
never use swear words.

You know, it turns out,

you can hurt people
just as well without 'em.

Maybe I can get a little help
putting some of this stuff away.

Oh, calm down.

I already put away
five of these!

You see?

No muss, no fuss,
not a single cuss.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man