The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - The Hot Tub Contamination - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Cohabitation with my girlfriend?

That's a great deal
to process.

Hmm?

It's only for five weeks.

Let me appeal
to the scientist in you.

Given the five-week
end date,

isn't it the perfect opportunity
to consider this an experiment

and collect data
on our compatibility?

Don't try luring me
in with sexy talk.

Okay.



Star Trek: The Original Series.

The Enterprise was
on a five-year mission

to explore new worlds.

Think of this
as your personal

five-week mission
to do the same.

Oh, you want to lure me in with
sexy talk, that's how you do it.

Okay, why don't you guys
stay across the hall

and we will
live here?

Very well. I'm on board.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

I accept this
five-week mission

to share a living space
with my girlfriend.

Oh. This is so exciting.

Well, now, don't be surprised
if, like Star Trek,



it's canceled in three.

Okay, I'm confused.

Which one is Mr. Robot?

I'll give you a hint.

We're watching
Daredevil.

Will you two please inform Amy
how much you enjoy

adhering
to a strict bathroom schedule?

- Can't.
- Won't.

- Didn't.
- Don't.

I told you,

you can't regulate every aspect
of our lives.

I can if you'd just roll over
and accept your fate.

I'm sorry
for bringing this over here.

Believe me, we know
what you're going through.

And I-I think the most helpful
thing we can tell you is

no backsies.

Mm-hmm.

Sheldon,
I understand

that you like things
a certain way

and I'm willing
to make some concessions,

but you have to be open
to compromise.

She's right.
That's reasonable.

Oh, look who's in
favor of compromise,

the woman who married
Leonard Hofstadter.

Hey, she didn't
compromise.

She settled.
There's a difference.

Yeah. You tell him, babe.

? Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ?

? Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ?

? The Earth began to cool ?

? The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ?

? We built the Wall ?
? We built the pyramids ?

? Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ?

? That all started
with a big bang ?

? Bang! ?

? The Big Bang Theory 10x05 ?
The Hot Tub Contamination
Original Air Da

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

What time do you
and Bernadette head out?

As soon as I get home.

We're hoping to make it
before dark.

I've never been
to Palm Springs.

Oh, you
should go.

It's terrific.
I-I really thrive anywhere

the women and the temperature
are over 90.

I don't know.

If I want to watch
old people sweat,

I can just FaceTime
my family in India.

It's nice you

and Bernadette are getting away.

Well, she wants us to
spend more time together

before the baby comes.

So then what are you doing here
buying comic books?

Well, he wants us to
spend more time together

before the baby comes.

When you live with someone,
there's gonna be conflict.

You just have
to keep communicating.

I'm open to that.

Okay. Well, for starters,

there's nothing wrong
with keeping our toothbrushes

in the same holder.

Sheldon, what do you say
to that?

I think we should
see other people.

What?!

Well, as a male, I have
an evolutionary drive

to perpetuate my DNA.

Restricting myself to a single
partner is against my nature.

We sleep together once a year!

You want other partners?

Don't blame me.
Blame your pal, biology.

He's the pervert pulling
the strings here.

You wanna see other people?
Go see other people.

I hope one of those people is a
monkey, 'cause this is bananas.

You can make jokes,
but if this keeps up,

he's gonna move
back in here.

All right. Well, let's just get them
apart for a while

so they can cool down.

Good.

Then before we
reintroduce them,

we'll give him one
of her sweaters

so he can get used
to her scent again.

So it's okay for you
to joke around?

No, that's actually
what we did with him

when Howard came
back from space.

Honey, how ya feeling?

The book says at this stage
of the pregnancy

morning sickness
should be going away.

So that's good news, right?

The only thing I hate more than
you right now is that book!

There she is!

Who's ready for a hot,

three-hour car ride
to the desert?

Next vomit is gonna be
in your lap.

I'm sorry.

We don't have to go.

But it's our last chance
to take a vacation

that's just the two of us.

How 'bout we stay here?

We don't even have
to tell anyone.

It'll be like
a secret vacation at home.

Keeping secrets
from our friends--

that does sound
kinda fun.

Does it sound... sexy?

You just heard me
throwing up.

You bet I did.

You're so weird.

You know what's weird?

How turned on
you are right now.

You know, people are quick
to accuse me

of being difficult
to live with,

but the truth is,
Amy is just as challenging.

Just as challenging.

Yes.

As you.

Yes.

Just as challenging as you.

When we're sleeping,

she breathes on me.

One night, it got so bad
I almost grabbed Toto

and headed for the storm cellar.

Leonard breathes on me, too.

It's not a big deal.

She's always complaining
about people at work.

Well, so does Leonard.

It's kind of annoying, but
it's not the end of the world.

Do you know that when I get out
of the shower,

she eyes me up and down
like I'm a piece of meat?

You know, so does Leonard.

Can't I just get ready
in the morning

without him giving me
his goofy thumbs-up?

"Hey."

I know.

Sometimes I would just like
to be appreciated for my mind.

Agreed!
Thank you!

That feels great.

Well,

pulling a quarter out
of your ear

isn't the only magic
these hands can do.

In fact, wh-what's this

between your toes?!

Can you please stop making money
come out of me for two minutes?

Was that the front door?

It sounded like it.

Oh, my God.
Someone's in the house.

Lock the door, lock the door!

- We should call the police.
- Uh...

I left my phone downstairs.

Damn, so did I.

Wait, I have my iPad!
What are we gonna do,

e-mail 911?

That's not helpful!

You know I rely

on humor in times of stress.

Let me know when you start,
because that wasn't funny!

Is that the hot tub?

Who would use
our hot tub?

Well, the answer is both
more and less disturbing

than you think.

Who is it?

Stuart.

He heard me talking
about us going away.

I guess he decided
to invite himself over?

Should we say something to him?

Maybe. How 'bout,

"Hey, you look like
a boiled chicken breast"?

I meant like, "What
are you doing here?"

Nah, that's not gonna
hurt his feelings.

Why is nothing easy
with him?

Look, here's the thing you need
to understand about Sheldon:

he's the worst.

I prefer to think of it
as high-maintenance.

I prefer to think of myself
as five-ten,

but I still need to get
all my pants hemmed.

I guess I should have known
what I was getting myself into.

Don't beat yourself up.

You've never lived
with anyone before.

That's true.
And you're starting out

with Sheldon Cooper.

That's like getting your first
pet and having it be--

I don't know...

What's a kind of pet
that ruins your life?

You're not making me
feel better.

Look, even when Penny and I
started living together,

there was a-a learning curve.

But I promise you,
it does get easier.

He put a sign up in the bathroom
that says,

"Number of days
without Amy's hair on the soap."

Yeah.

My record was six.

Is it me,
or is there something fun

about watching him
just float there?

Maybe this is why
people get fish tanks.

Who just turned
the porch lights on?

Is someone else here?

Hmm. They must have left
the tub on.

Good thing I stopped by.

Ah!

What are you doing here?!

What are you doing here?!

Maybe Howard and Bernadette said
I could be here!

Did they?

Answer the question!
What are you doing here?!

I had nothing else
to do tonight.

The last couple of months,

I come here when I
know they're not home.

What?!

They heard me in
the bushes once,

but they thought
it was a raccoon.

I told you raccoons
don't say "Uh-oh."

You know, one night, Leonard's
nose whistled so loud,

I swear it was like
sleeping on a train track.

Have you noticed
it's always an A-flat?

Is it?

Oh!

It's like his sinuses
are right here in the car.

If we're just going
to drive around aimlessly,

the least you could do is
take me for ice cream.

Yeah, I'll take you
for ice cream.

Well, see, why can't Amy be
that subservient?

She has coitus one time,
suddenly she's Gloria Steinem.

Anyway, I suppose an ice cream
parlor will be a good place

to meet other women.

Oh, please, you're
barely interested

in a physical relationship
with one person.

Why would you want to confuse
and disappoint others?

Being with Amy has awoken
the sexual creature within.

When I see a pretty gal walking
down the street, I think,

"hubba hubba"
like any other guy.

You kiss your mother
with that mouth?

'Cause it's fine.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Shall we toast?

To Howard and Bernadette,

and the house key they
never asked me to return.

You said you got it back.

Well, clearly, I lied.

So how's your apartment?

Not great. The
electricity's out.

So why don't you get it fixed?

I called, and they're
like, "Pay your bill!"

Of you ever need somewhere to
crash, there's always my place.

Oh, no. I don't want
to be an inconvenience.

You've got all your
lady friends, and...

Actually, I'm single now.

What?!

When did that happen?

It's okay. It's by choice.

Well, their choice,
and it's not okay.

Oh. Sorry.
I didn't know.

Nobody does. I was embarrassed
so I didn't say anything.

Why wouldn't he tell us?

Are we bad friends?

He's in our hot tub
drinking our wine.

Yeah, he deserves
to be alone.

So you're back out
on the dating scene now?

Yeah, yeah, a little.

Oh, that must be fun.
How's that going?

I'm in a hot tub with you,
so pretty bad.

Maybe I should just give in
to his stupid bathroom schedule.

No, don't do that.

- But you did!
- Exactly!

Learn from my mistakes!

No matter where
I am at 7:18 a.m.,

there better be
a toilet nearby.

It's just so much easier
to give him what he wants.

Oh, true, but think of how
much you've accomplished.

Who got him to stop
Purelling his pocket change?

Me.

And who got him to put
things other than gloves

in the glove compartment?

Me.

It was mittens.

Mm.

And who got him to
try a turkey dog?

That was actually Koothrappali,

but I did let him spit it out
in my hand.

Look, how can you stop now?

That's like walking
out of Pinocchio

right before he
becomes a real boy.

You know, you're right.

I'm in this relationship, too.

I need to stand up for myself.

Of course you do.

And if he doesn't like it,
he can move back here.

Oh. He can try. He'd just
need a good locksmith.

Well, who you
gonna hit on?

The girl in front of
us got strawberry.

That's your favorite.

No. No, if we both like it,
I'll spend the rest of my life

opening the freezer and going,
"Aw, no strawberry."

What about the girl
behind the counter?

Hmm? Well, she spends
her whole day scooping.

One arm's probably
bigger than the other.

Is it possible you might not
actually want to meet someone?

You are truly wise.

Thank you.

I'd say

wise beyond your years,
but you're getting up there.

All right.

Come on. What is really
going on with you?

Penny, I am going
to tell you a story

that I've never told anyone.

All right.

I was 13 years old,

and on spring break
from college.

Not relating. Go on.

I came home early because they
ran out of math to teach me.

Oh, now I'm with ya. Okay.

My mother was at bible study.

I walked in the house
expecting to find it empty,

and I heard a sound coming
from my parents' bedroom.

When I opened the door,

I saw my father having relations
with another woman.

Oh, that's awful!
I know.

It's also why
I never open a door

without knocking three times.

I mean, the first
one's traditional,

but two and three are for people
to get their pants on.

Well, what happened
with your dad?

We locked eyes,
I ran to my room,

and we never, ever spoke of it.

You poor thing.

Since Amy and I
have been living together,

we've been bickering
like my parents used to.

And you're afraid you're gonna
do something like your dad did?

Yes. I need to prepare her now

to save her from pain
down the road.

Down the road?

Sheldon, she wanted to share a
toothbrush holder with you,

and now you're at an ice cream
parlor trying to pick up women!

Well, anything can sound silly
when you put it in that tone.

Honey, instead of
worrying about pain

you might cause in the
future, how about trying

to fix the pain you're
causing her right now?

I'm sure you're right.

I suppose I should
apologize to you, as well.

Okay.

That must have hurt watching me
look for other women

without ever even
considering you.

Please understand
that I think of you

as more of a nanny.

Just finish your ice cream
so I can get you home to bed.

I wonder if this is
what it feels like

to be Bernadette's baby.

I don't know. Bernadette's baby
doesn't have a Jacuzzi jet

hitting just the right spot.

Those jets are
for my secret spot, not his!

What do you do in there?!

It's called relaxing,
and that's all you need to know.

Well, it's getting late.

Maybe we should head home.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You coming?

Yeah, just give me a minute.

Why?

Well, you know how
you're wearing a bathing suit?

Yeah?

I kind of went the other way.

You jackasses just bought
yourselves a hot tub!

What do you think?

It's a nice enough spot.

You know, if I'm going to start
standing up for myself,

this is exactly
the kind of thing...

We're back!

Oh, hi! Hi!

Hello.

How you guys doing?

We're doing good. I think

Sheldon has something he
would like to say to Amy.

I wanted to apologize
for my behavior today. It...

It was unnecessary.

This is warm.

Oh, and also, I am willing to
forego the bathroom schedule.

Oh. Really?

Why does she get that?!
We never got that!

Do you want him back?

I'm very happy for you.

Amy, you should know

I was never really interested
in seeing other women.

And to prove how
serious I am about us,

I'm willing to take our
relationship to the next level.

Amy Farrah Fowler,

will you share
this toothbrush holder with me?

I would love to.

Did we really

need to be
here for this?

Call me crazy,
but I found it moving.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man