The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 4 - The Cohabitation Experimentation - full transcript

There was water everywhere.

It was such a mess.

That stinks. How long are you
out of the apartment?

About five weeks.

Ugh! Did you lose
anything valuable?

Well, the pipe was
over my closet,

so all my
clothes are gone.

Oh, so nothing. Great.

Do they know why
the pipe burst?

They didn't say.

Buildings
that have a combination



of copper and galvanized steel

are susceptible to
pinholes and corrosion

caused by the mobility
of ions in the water.

Can't have your head shoved
in a toilet as much as I did

and not pick up a few things
about plumbing.

Well, if you need a place to
crash, you can stay with us.

Really?
Of course.

You can stay in Leonard's room,
and we'll stay at my place.

You're sure
that's not an inconvenience?

No, not at all.

And we live with Sheldon,

so the word "inconvenience"
has really lost all meaning.

So, technically, I'd be
moving in with my boyfriend?

I guess so.



I'd finally get to live
alone with my husband.

Oh, my, this is
a big step.
Mm-hmm.

For two of us, it's in
the right direction.

Why are you all smiling
like crazy people?

¶ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ¶

¶ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ¶

¶ The Earth began to cool ¶

¶ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ¶

¶ We built the Wall ¶
¶ We built the pyramids ¶

¶ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ¶

¶ That all started
with a big bang ¶

¶ Bang! ¶

Cohabitation
with my girlfriend?

That's a great deal
to process.
Mm.

It's only for five weeks.

Yeah, and we'll be
right across the hall.

What do you think?

I don't know.

What if living together
kills the romance?

Okay, you guys had sex
one whole time.

Nothing can put out
a fire like that.

Yeah, but what happens

when we each get a peek
behind the curtain?

I mean, she's never even
seen me unshaven.

You just shaved yesterday.

You're good for three months.

Sheldon, I understand
your apprehension,

but let me appeal
to the scientist in you.

Given the five-week end date,

isn't it the perfect opportunity
to consider this an experiment

and collect data
on our compatibility?

Don't try luring me in
with sexy talk.

LEONARD:
Okay.

Star Trek: The Original Series.

The Enterprise was
on a five-year mission

to explore new worlds.

Think of this
as your

personal five-week mission
to do the same.

If you want to lure me in with
sexy talk, that's how you do it.

Don't be proud of that.

So, is that a yes?

Not yet. I...

How will I learn if
I'm comfortable living with Amy

or just comfortable because
I'm in my own apartment?

Now, if this experiment
is going to be valid,

I suggest a neutral environment.

Well, where would you go?

Well, ideally, an enclosed,

self-sustaining biodome
in New Mexico.

Where we would eat crops
fertilized with our own waste.

And you were worried
about the romance.

PENNY:
Wait.

Why don't you guys stay across
the hall, and we will live here?

Interesting.

If my official residence
were across the hall,

I wonder if I'd need to knock
every time I came over here.

That's a good question.

Maybe just don't come over.

Historically, I don't
do well with change.

Okay, it won't
be that bad.

We wouldn't even sit in
your spot while you're gone.

You're darn right, you wouldn't.

No matter where I am,
this will always be my spot.

Like an embassy

in a foreign country,

this seat is the sovereign
soil of my bottom.

Just nod and smile.
He's almost gone.

Sheldon, what do you think?

(sighs)

Very well. I'm on board.

Seriously?
Yes.

I accept this
five-week mission

to share a living space
with my girlfriend.

Oh. This is so exciting.

Well, now, don't be surprised
if, like Star Trek,

it's canceled in three.

I have to say, I am happy
with your ob-gyn.

Cool. 'Cause she says
you're doing a great job as

"weird friend who doesn't have
to be at every appointment."

I'm the son of a gynecologist.
I could be helpful.

BERNADETTE:
It would help

if you stopped telling me
I have a textbook cervix.

The polite response is,
"Thank you for noticing."

Let me see the sonogram again.

(laughs)

Oh, yeah, that's a good-looking
baby for a little gray blob.

Yeah, we could
name him Blobert.

What if it's a girl?

Bloberta.

Or Blobbi with an "I."

Are we being silly
not finding out the sex?

Yeah, I was just
thinking the same thing.

If you want,
you can find out right now.

Mm.
Hmm.

The doctor's gone for the
day, so it doesn't matter.

Well, somebody else knows

because they saw it
in the folder.

You looked in
our folder?!

It was an accident.

The doctor left
the folder out on her desk.

It's not my fault
I opened it and looked.

So you know the sex
of our baby, and we don't?!

Flip a coin.
You got a fifty-fifty shot.

It's unbelievable.

God, Raj.
What?

This is not a problem, okay?

If you don't want to know,
I don't have to tell you.

We don't want you to know!

Okay, well, that's a problem.

You know, I'm very proud of you
for trying to live with Amy.

Oh. Thank you.
Mm.

Of course, the ideal way
to conduct this experiment

would be with four pairs of
identical Sheldons and Amys.

One pair that was neither
dating nor living together.

One pair that was dating
but not living together.

One pair that was living
together but not dating.

And then, of
course, one pair

that was living
together and dating.

Although, with
that many Sheldons,

it'd be such a party,
we'd never get anything done.

That was a cute story.

So, um...

What did you want to ask me?

Well, you've lived with your
significant other for some time.

I would like this
experiment to go well.

Are there any insights
you can share?

Mm. Well, the biggie is,
if she has an insane roommate,

kick him out
as soon as possible.

You know, Leonard
and I were very happy

before you came along.

You've been roommates
with Sheldon forever.

Do you have any advice?

I'm trying to think of an answer

that won't stop you
from doing this.

I know it sounds
like a cliché,

but compromise is key.

Never leave a belt
on the floor.

At night, they
look like snakes.

Do little things, like bring her
a cup of coffee in bed.

Keep M&M'S in your pocket

in case you have to
wait in a long line.

You're gonna be seeing
each other a lot,

so respect each other's
personal space.

He startles easily, so,
please, no flash photography.

How many pairs of underwear
did you pack for the move?

I don't know. I didn't count.

You truly are the Goofus
to my Gallant.

That's me. Listen,

you and I are gonna
be sharing a bed.

You know, this is uncharted
territory for both of us.

How are you feeling about that?

Oh, excited, concerned,

a little scared.

All the same emotions

I feel
in line at Space Mountain.

Well, if you're nervous
about the sleeping arrangements,

maybe we should talk about it.

Okay.

Talk.

Well, I imagine
one of your concerns

might be coital
expectations.

Wow, no foreplay or anything,
just right to it.

Look, I know
this experiment

is a big step outside
of your comfort zone.

So why don't we take being
physical off the table

and maybe later on,

once we're more settled in,
we can revisit it.

You're really okay with that?

I've never lived
with someone, either.

This is a lot for me, too.

(sighs)

This is such a relief.

Honestly, if it didn't
get you all worked up,

I'd kiss you right now.

Good call.

Seeing your
Teen Titans underwear

really got my
motor running.

I know. They probably shouldn't
sell those to children.

Well, here's your key.

Thank you.

Enjoy having the place
to yourselves.

You enjoy your mission to boldly
go where no man has gone before.

It's Penny's bedroom.

Plenty of men have gone before.

Now, now, there's no need
to make this emotional.

Shall we?

I guess this is it.

You guys have fun.

You, too.

Oh, don't forget.

Tuesday the air filters
need to be changed.

Yeah, you wrote it on my hand.

Oh.

(chuckles softly)

Oh, and every other day,

check the water level
on the avocado pit.

I'm on it.

15 years from now, we'll
make guacamole together.

Leonard, please, let me go.

Come on, Sheldon.

Oh. Bye.

Good night.
Good night.

Well, that's it.

For the next five weeks, we are
officially living together.

I guess the experiment begins.

PENNY (whoops):
We did it!

LEONARD:
Yeah!

Which side of the bed
would you prefer?

Doesn't matter to me.
Your choice.

No, no, we're living together
now-- everything's equal.

You know? I know that I have
a tendency to be controlling,

so I would rather
you choose.

Well, Sheldon,
I really appreciate that,

but these things mean more
to you than they do to me,

so whatever you want.

Well, clearly,
it's not whatever I want,

because what I want is for you
to make this decision,

and you refuse to do that.

Well, I'm not refusing.

I'm just trying
to be considerate.

Like when you
let me get those shoes

with the wheels on the bottom,

and then watched me roll
right into traffic?

Sheldon, will you please
just pick a side?
Fine.

(sighs)

Okay. Now, on this side,

I am closer to the exit
in case of emergency.

Great. That's your side.

No, but I'm also closer to
the entrance in case of attack.

Okay, I'll take that side.

Ah, then again,
what are the odds of someone

attacking me?
Rising rapidly.

Now, this side offers me
proximity to the bathroom,

but I am closer to the window

where perverts
can watch me sleep.

Okay.

What if we do this?

I suppose that works.

Great.

Although now I'm kind of worried

someone's hiding
behind those drapes.

This is ridiculous.

The doctor knows what the baby
is, the ultrasound tech knows,

Raj knows,

his Grey's Anatomy online
fan group probably knows.

Is it weird we don't?

I don't know.

Maybe the surprise
will make it more fun.

Like magic tricks.

Remember how disappointed
you were

when I explained
the never-ending hanky?

I was disappointed to see
the man I was engaged to

pulling rainbow scarves
out of his fly.

But how delightful
was it when I pulled out

a bouquet
at the end of those scarves?

It'll be the same thing

when the doctor pulls
a beautiful surprise out of you.

Everyone said I could do better.

But you didn't listen,
and presto change-o,

my baby's inside you. Ta-da!

(brushing teeth)

(Amy hawks, spits)

AMY:
Ugh. What is that?

(door opens)

Why'd you switch sides?

Be grateful
I'm still in the room.

Comfy?

Oh, I'm just happy
I don't know

what this memory
foam remembers.

Sheldon?

I know we took coitus
off the table,

but I was wondering how you feel
about other forms of intimacy,

such as snuggling.

Well, it's funny
you should ask,

because I was wondering
how you'd feel

about separating the two
of us with a pillow wall.

Sheldon, I've made more than
enough accommodations for you.

We're both grown adults--

we've been far more
intimate than this.

If you don't want
to snuggle, fine--

but we're not building
a pillow wall.

Okay, well, I am sorry.

I'm just worried that my
sensitivity to temperature

could make this
a rough night.

And no offense, but your
bottom radiates enough heat,

I'm surprised there aren't
iguanas lying on it.

That's it. It's
Sheldon's bedtime.

He is in for the night.

Wow. I cannot believe we are
alone in our own apartment.

(chuckles):
It's weird.

This must be how parents feel

when their kid goes off
to college.

Unless they feel sad--
then it's different.

So, what do you want to do?

I know exactly what
we are gonna do.

Really? You're a genius,

and that's the first thing
you come up with?

Hey, Sheldon's
not here,

so we are going
to put on music

and dance in
our underwear.

Ugh. Can we just have sex?

Oh, don't worry.

Once you see my sweet moves,
sex is inevitable.

(intro to "You Never Can Tell"
playing)

¶ It was a teenage wedding ¶

¶ And the old folks
wished them well ¶

¶ You could see that Pierre ¶

¶ Did truly love
the mademoiselle ¶

¶ And now
the young monsieur... ¶

Inevitable, you say?

¶ ¶

I'll just let my hips
do the talkin'.

¶ It goes to show
you never can tell... ¶

Screw it. I'm calling
and finding out.

Good. Call him.

Wait, I'm not sure
I want to know.

But you just said
you wanted to know.

Well, now I don't know
if I want to know!

Hello?

Call you back.

No, Dr. Feynman.

If I solve it for you,
you'll never learn.

¶ Tootsee Roll ¶

¶ Tootsee
Roll ¶

¶ Tootsee Roll,
Tootsee Roll... ¶

Wow! Where did you
learn these moves?

The world may have forgotten
about Dance Dance Revolution,

but not this smooth criminal.

¶ To the left, to the left ¶

¶ To the right, to the right,
to the front. ¶

Okay, you're positive
you want to know?

Yes.
Okay. Here we go.

It's ringing.

(ringtone playing)

Hello?

Wait.
Wrong number.

(moans)

(moans)

(moans)

(moans)

(moans)

(moans)

(inhales)

I told you
not to do the worm.

(holding breath):
You were right.

(ringtone playing)

Hello.

BERNADETTE: I changed my mind!
Hang up! Hang up!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, gee-- oh!

What are you doing down there?

Hang on.

Who are you calling?

(click)
(screams)

I'm so sore.
I don't think

I slept two minutes last night.

Yeah, get it, girl.

It's not what you think.

I feel like
I pulled something.

Why didn't you tell me to stop?

Even more not
what you think.

I don't know
if I can make it

through five weeks
living with him.

If you ever need a break,
the owner of the train store

will let you leave him there
while you get a coffee.
Yeah.

Good morning.

See? I didn't knock,
but it's fine.

I didn't knock, but it's fine.
I didn't knock, but it's fine.

So, how is everyone?

Miserable and exhausted.

Really? I slept great.

Well, I didn't,
and it's your fault.

How? You had the whole floor
to yourself.

(sighs)
Sheldon, maybe living together
is a bad idea.

Well... Yeah, but what kind
of scientists would we be,

drawing a conclusion
after only 12 hours of data?

The kind who almost put a pillow
over your face last night.

Wow.

I anticipated
we'd have problems,

but I never thought
your scientific rigor
would be one of them.

I'm sorry, are you questioning
my integrity as a scientist?

If the lab room
disposable shoe cover fits.

Was that a science diss?

Yeah.
Was it a good one?

Eh.
Ah.

What would a
theoretical physicist

understand about an
experiment anyway?

I mean, you wouldn't know
a confounding variable

if two of them hit you in
the face at the same time!

And you don't even
get that joke,

'cause you don't even work
with confounding variables!

How dare you?

Oh, you heard me.
Your experimental bona fides

are laughable.

Whoa, whoa! Now you're
making fun of my bona fides?

Can't make fun of something
that's a null set.

PENNY:
I feel like

I should say "damn."
Do it.

Damn!

Well, if you are so protective
of the scientific method,

perhaps we should use
the next five weeks
to finish what we started.

Well, for science, maybe I will!

For science, maybe you should!

Fine!
Fine!

Good.
Great.

Do you want to go to our place
and make out?

Does Stephen Hawking roll
through the quad?

The new neighbors
are weird.