The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 1 - The Conjugal Conjecture - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Dad,
this is Sheldon's mother, Mary.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

And, of course, Mom.

Hello, my hateful shrew.

Hello to you,
you wrinkled old bastard.

Hey.

Just got an e-mail
from the U.S. Air Force.

I'm just afraid if I respond,
then they'll know I got it.

Dude, the minute you opened that
e-mail, they knew you got it.



I mean, they're probably
looking at you

through the camera
right now.

Oh, God.

I think someone's
following us.

Uh, turn left here
and see if he turns with us.

Why is he turning here?
The restaurant's the other way.

I don't know.
He uses that traffic app.

Maybe there's an accident.

Oh, so follow him.

Oh, no!

Leonard, if you don't mind,

I think I'm a little tired.

I'm gonna call it a night.

Sure, Dad.



I'm a little
tuckered out myself.

Well, I will see you
all in the morning.

Would you like to share a cab?

That would be fine.

Where are you staying?
I'm at the Westin.

Well, so am I.

Could I interest
you in a nightcap?

I think that you could.

Leonard?

Leonard?

What?

You realize you and I
could become brothers.

We're not gonna be brothers.

We're not gonna be stepbrothers.

Go to sleep.

I hope you're right.

'Cause a grown man
living with his brother

and his brother's wife is weird.

Go to sleep.

Okay.

Do you think your father's
doing unspeakable things

to my mother?

No.

Are you saying that

because the things
are unspeakable?

Your parents are old.

Anything unspeakable
was finished by 9:30.

Go to sleep.

Very well.

I'm sorry if this stuff is gonna
make the ceremony awkward.

God, I thought my brother
fresh out of jail

was gonna make everyone
uncomfortable, but now this...

Hey, if you want me to sleep

you're gonna
have to stop talking.

? Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ?

? Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ?

? The Earth began to cool ?

? The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ?

? We built the Wall ?
? We built the pyramids ?

? Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ?

? That all started
with a big bang ?

? Bang! ?

? The Big Bang Theory 10x01 ?
The Conjugal Conjecture
Original Air Date

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Okay, I'm gonna go pick up
my family.

Like an hour and half,
two hours, depending on traffic.

Yeah, drive safe.
Oh, hey,

and do yourself a favor,
all right?

When Beverly gets here,
do not bring up last night.

All right?
As far as you're concerned,

you don't know anything,

you didn't see anything.

I want you just to play dumb.

It was nice of her to show us
playing dumb with an example.

What?

Oh.

Hi. Okay, hey there, I got--
I'm sorry, I got to go now.

Penny, wait.
Why?

I wanted to thank you for
going through all the trouble

of planning a second wedding
ceremony for me,

but unfortunately
I cannot attend.

Well, why?
What's wrong?

Wha-- are we still doing
the dumb thing?

Okay, why, what's wrong?

I just cannot stay here
while your father

goes out of his way
to humiliate me.

Oh, golly, however
did he humiliate you?

Stop it, Sheldon.

Do I say "Stop what?"
or just throw in the towel?

I don't see why I should
have to watch your father

parade around with some
Bible-thumping bumpkin.

Oh, excuse me, that is my mother
you're talking about,

however accurately.

Okay, Beverly,

aren't you overreacting
a little?

All we know is they shared
a cab and had a nightcap.

And turned their phones off.

Not helping, buddy.

Mother, Penny and I really want
you to be part of this.

Please stay.

Yeah, plus if you leave,

Alfred will know
he got under your skin.

Well, we can't have that.

You know, also,
if they did have coitus,

we'll all be needing
a skilled psychiatrist.

It is funny
when you think about it.

Maybe to you.

You didn't get
a $500 traffic ticket.

Because you were driving
like a lunatic.

Hey, if thinking
secret government agents

are chasing you makes you
a lunatic, then... yeah, okay.

Oh, I'll get it.

It didn't help that you couldn't
walk a straight line

when the cop pulled you over.

I have performance anxiety.

You of all people
should know that.

Hello.

I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.

Howard Wolowitz?

I have the right address,
don't I?

Address?

Is he here?

Um... no.

Do you know where
I can find him?

May I ask what this is about?

No, you may not.

Very well.

Have him call me.

Okay.

Raj, who's at the door?

That's not him.

Oh, I can't wait for
you to meet everyone.

I told them all about you.

Like what?

Do they know about your brother?

Uh, not everything, just,
like, the jail and drugs part.

Why would you do that?

What?
The world doesn't need

to know our problems.

Well, Mom, I'm sorry, but...

Hey, look, they got
Walgreens here, too.

You really think it's helpful
to change the subject, Wyatt?

Just trying to make this
a happy trip, dear.

Well, quit it!

So, uh, Randall,
can't believe

after all these years
you finally get to visit me

in California.

Well, good thing I was
a nonviolent offender,

otherwise I couldn't
have left the state.

All right,
that's enough jail talk.

Penny knows where I was;
she sent me cigarettes.

You sent
your brother cigarettes?

He was cooking and selling
crystal meth, Susan,

I think we can
let the cigarettes slide.

Stop trying to be
the cool dad;

you have a shirt
with our cat's picture on it.

Anyway, we're here, slugger.

That's great, now they
know where I live.

What are you talking about?

They've always known
where you live.

Yeah, if you want to go
off the grid,

you have to move out
of your mother's house.

Can we take a moment
to discuss

that I just lied
to the government for you?

Yeah.

I would not have
done that for you.

Howard, please just call
the man, see what he wants.

All right, all right.

Hey,

make sure you tell him that
you weren't home when he came by

and that your Indian friend
gave you the message

the moment
you stepped through the door.

Yes, hello.
Uh,

this is Howard Wolowitz
for Colonel Richard Williams.

Oh, I take it back,
don't mention me.

Hi, Colonel Williams,
how can I help you?

What? Oh, uh, yes,
he is from India.

No, I don't know
his immigration status.

Relax, I'm still on hold!

Speaking.

Okay, sure,
I can meet with you on Thursday.

Caltech is fine.

Yeah, and may I ask
what this is about?

I may not?

That's what he said to me.

Here you are, Mother.

Thank you.

I'm glad you decided to stay.

It's gonna be special for Penny
and me to share this with you.

I can't wait
for this day to be over.

Yeah, special, like that.

That's them.

Please don't make things

any more awkward
than they already are.

All right, so less
or equally awkward, got it.

Hey, guys, come on in.

Oh, thank you.
Good morning.

Morning.
Hello.

How is everyone today?

Good, and you?

Good, good.
Good.

I'm good, too.

Good.

So, did you defile
my mother or not?

Sheldon!

You're being rude.

If I may, I can assure you,

your mother and I
did nothing more

than share a cab
and a conversation.

Did that conversation
include the phrase

"your genitals
are a joy to behold"?

That's enough!

Look, I promise you, neither I,
nor anyone, has ever said that.

You don't know his girlfriend
very well.

Or what a joy it is
to behold my genitals.

All right, you guys, uh,
get settled in,

then we'll go across the hall
and say hi to everyone.

You know, It's hard to believe
I've never met Leonard.

Well, he probably buys
his illegal drugs

from a local vendor.

Not funny, Wyatt.

I thought it was really funny.
Thanks.

Well, fine, if everyone wants to
make jokes about our problems,

then I can, too.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Our family is an embarrassment.

That's not much of a joke.

Okay.

Listen, Mom, I know you're
nervous, but I promise you,

no one is gonna judge you
or this family.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just we're meeting
Leonard's parents

for the first time,

and-and they're academics
and-and intellectuals,

and I don't want them thinking
we're white trash.

Well, what color trash
do you think they'll believe?

How could you think
that I would spend the night

with a man I just met?

A man named Jesus convinced you
to build a church in Africa.

You're kind of a sucker.

Well, nothing happened, right?

I-It's over.

Until we get married
a third time,

you guys will never have
to see each other again.

Well, you know, actually
that's not the case.

- Mary may visit me in New York.
- Mm-hmm.

And he's never been to Texas.

Maybe we meet halfway.

What? In the Chattahoochee
National Forest in Georgia?

I can't be the only one
that knows that's halfway.

You're not seriously going
to visit each other.

And why wouldn't we?

Oh please, you're just saying
this to antagonize me.

Oh, not at all. Mary happens
to be a wonderful woman.

And if it antagonizes you,
that's just a bonus.

Mary, I'm sorry you're
in the middle of this.

No, no, nothing to be
sorry about.

I genuinely like your father.

What? But he's a
mediocre academic.

And according to Beverly,
his sexual prowess is subpar.

He's basically Leonard
with a bigger prostate.

Are you saying that my dad's
not good enough for your mom?

Yes, while also getting in
a solid dig at you.

Pretty efficient, huh?

This is ridiculous.
I-I'm going across the hall.

But why should you get to go
and leave me here

with your bickering parents?

Fine, then you go!

Well, I don't want to stay
here with her. I'll go.

I'll go with you.

That still leaves me
here with him.

Hang on, hang on!

We're smart, we can
figure this out.

Okay, so: Mary and Beverly
can't be together.

Uh, Alfred and Beverly
can't be together.

Leonard and I can't be together.

Now, I could be with Alfred...

but I don't like his face.

Oh, here! I've got it!

Who's ready for a wedding?

Great, now I have
to start all over.

So how's the world
of pharmaceuticals treating you?

Pretty good. I actually
just got assigned

a much better territory.

See what happens
when you work hard?

Hey, she just sells drugs.
I had to make 'em.

Okay, that's enough.

No more drug talk
for the rest of this trip.

I'll drink to that.

Haven't you had enough?

Penny drinks
more than I do.

Well, I learned
from the best.

Aw!
Aw!

Very nice, Wyatt.

And you wonder why this one
turned out the way he did.

You see what I've gotta
put up with!

What you've gotta put up with?

Why did you have
to go to jail?

It's called getting
caught, Mother!

Hello!

Hey, there he is!
Hey!

Oh, Leonard! It's so
nice to see you again!

Oh, you, too!

Hey, everyone, this is
my mother, Beverly.

- Hello.
- Hi.

We are not white trash!

Are you excited to see your son
walk down the aisle?

Yes, I am.

I'm just feeling
a little guilty

about all the trouble
I've caused.

Oh, so am I.

You made God sad today, Mom.

Sheldon, they haven't done
anything wrong.

I think it's nice
they're hitting it off.

Well, that's still no reason
to rush into anything.

Look at us.

We took things
remarkably slow.

You and I, we didn't even
hold hands for two years.

It was a lot hotter
than it sounds.

You're a patient
young lady.

Hey, hey!

She's mine! Take a cold shower,
grandpa!

Why wouldn't that colonel say
what the meeting's about?

It has to be bad news.

Calm down, okay?
Try not to think about it.

That's really stupid advice.

You know that hurts
my feelings.

Calm down, try not
to think about it.

Okay.

Why do I bother
talking to you?

Oh, come on. What's the worst
that could come of this meeting?

I don't know. They take
the invention away,

and I get nothing?

Okay, that's not so bad.

You know what happened
to the scientists

that worked
on the Manhattan Project?

The government forced them
to move to the desert.

They had to live in secret,
and when Oppenheimer objected

to what they made him do,

they destroyed his reputation.

What's the point of that story?

I just read a book
about Oppenheimer,

seemed like a chance
to show off.

There he is!

There's my happy
Hebraic homeboy.

Yeah, that's the smile
I'm gonna remember

when you're living in the desert
and I'm living with your wife.

So, what do you do for a living?

Mommy, you want
to take this one?

Um, Randall's
in between jobs.

And court appearances.

It's nice to meet the woman

who raised this fine young man.

I'm looking forward
to meeting his father.

Prepare to be disappointed.

And he can't wait
to meet you, too.

Can I get anyone a drink?

Well, I could use
another beer.

You're done.

He's done.

Hey! Is everyone getting
to know each other?

Not at all!

Nice to see you again,
Dr. Hofstadter.

I'm, uh, Leonard's friend,
Stuart.

Nice to see you, too.

Hi, I'm Stuart.

Ooh, I'm Alfred.
Leonard's father.

Oh! Oh, hi. Uh, I'm sorry, did
you two want to sit together?

No.
No.

I was wondering why the
front row was available.

Okay, I think
we're ready.

Why do people
cry at weddings?

They're practicing for
what's coming later.

Thank you for cleaning yourself
up for your sister's wedding.

Thank you for my new teeth.

Welcome to the family,
Leonard.

Don't lend your new
brother-in-law money.

We're here today
to celebrate love.

Sigh louder,
no one heard you.

Really, I can move.

Not just Leonard and
Penny's love, but the love

we have for them,
as well as each other.

Speaking of love, STDs among
the elderly are skyrocketing.

Love is patient,
but it's not gonna put up

with all the side chatter,
so let's knock it off!

At least she's yelling at
someone else for a change.

Howard!

Okay, I understand everyone's
a little tense today,

so I am just gonna get
to the important stuff.

Leonard, standing here
with you in front

of our family and friends is
bringing up a lot of feelings.

Like what a good idea it was
to elope the first time.

But also how incredibly
happy you make me.

Thank you for marrying me.

Hopefully for the last time.

Penny...

as a scientist, my job is to
figure out why things happen.

But I don't think
I'll ever understand

how someone like me could get
to be with someone like you.

You know... maybe... I don't
need to understand it,

I just need to be grateful.

I love you, Penny.

Oh...

Anybody have anything snarky
to say about that?

Didn't think so.

I'd like to say something.

Beverly, I know that
we don't bring out

the best in each other.

But something wonderful did
come from our relationship:

that young man right there.

I couldn't agree more.

That's beautiful.

Thank you.
All right, let's continue.

Yeah, excuse me,
I need to say something

to someone pretty special,
and...

I just can't wait any longer.

It's happening.

Leonard...

You and I have
our ups and downs.

But I have always considered
you my family.

Even before the recent threat
of our parents fornicating

like wrinkly old rabbits.

I don't always show it, but you
are of great importance to me.

Both of you.

Oh...

Thank you.

Okay.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

And weird other husband who came
with the apartment.

Thank you for taking us
to the airport.

Hey, I'm just thrilled we're all
getting along for a minute.

Yeah, me, too.

Beverly, I'm sorry
if I upset you.

Water under the bridge, Alfred.

Leonard, why don't you get
into the carpool lane?

Well, that's a solid line.
He can't cross it.

That's okay.
I can make it over.

No, no, let's plod along.

It'll make your father feel
more comfortable.

What makes me comfortable
is knowing I don't have to

wake up tomorrow morning
and see your sour face.

Do the world a favor, and
don't wake up tomorrow morning.

That was almost a minute.

There's a lot of traffic.
Are we gonna be okay?

You'll be at the airport
an hour before your flight.

Good.
Thank you.

Plenty of time for you to meet
another geriatric boy toy.

Hey.

I will not have you
be disrespectful to me.

Yes ma'am.

Sheldon, you're mother's
an attractive woman.

You need to get use to the fact

that men are going
to be interest in her.

Well.. and you need to drive
the car and mind your business.

I will not have you
be disrespectful to me.

What-- you're not
my mother.

Don't you be disrespectful
to her.

Yes ma'am.

You'll get there.

You've just gotta put
some zing on it.

Penny, I don't know what
I was worried about.

You're friends are
just lovely.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Although that Sheldon
is a bit peculiar.

Is he?
I never noticed.

He reminds me
of that turkey we had

who drowned looking up
at the rain.

Cops, cops, be cool!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man