The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Hamburger Postulate - full transcript

All right!
I'm moving my infantry division.

Augmented by bataillon of orcs
from Lord of the Rings.

We flank the Tennessee volunteers

and the North, once again,
wins the battle of Gettysburg.

Not so fast!

Remember, the South still has
two infantry divisions,

plus Superman and Godzilla.

No, orcs are magic. Superman
is vulnerable to magic.

Not to mention you already lost Godzilla
to the Illinois cavalry and Hulk.

Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee
charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?

- You guys ready to order?
- Hang on, honey.



Shiva and Ganesh,

the Hindu gods,
against the entire Union army?

And orcs.

I'll be back.

Excuse me.

Ganesh is the Remover of Obstacles
and Shiva is the Destroyer.

When the smoke clears,
Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi

and drinking mint juleps.

My boss says you have to either order
or leave and never come back.

What do you recommend for someone
who worked up a man-sized appetite

from a morning of weight training
and cardio funk?

A shower.

I'll take the Heart Smart platter.

All right, thank you,
and Sheldon?



We don't eat here.
I don't know what's good.

- It's all good.
- Statistically unlikely.

Just get a hamburger.
You like hamburgers.

I like hamburgers
where we usually have them.

You can't make the assumption
that I'll like them here.

I'm sorry.

- Give him a hamburger.
- Which one?

The Classic Burger,
the Ranch House Burger,

the Barbecue Burger,
or the Kobe Burger?

Can't we just go to Big Boy?

They only have one burger...
the Big Boy.

The Barbecue Burger's like the Big Boy.

Excuse me, in a world
that already includes a Big Boy,

why would I settle for
something like a Big Boy?

Because you're not at Big Boy!

- Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.
- Make it two.

Waitresses don't yell at you
at Big Boy.

Hey, Leonard.
Hi, guys.

Hi, Leslie.

I didn't know you ate here.

We don't.
This is a disturbing aberration.

Leslie, this is Penny.

She lives across the hall
from Sheldon and me.

And walks in quiet beauty
like the night.

Howard, I've asked you not to do that.

Leslie and I do research together
at the university.

Wow, a girl scientist.

Yep, come for the breasts,
stay for the brains.

Glad I ran into you.

The Physics Department string quartet
needs a new cellist.

What happened to Elliot Wong?

He switched over
to high-energy radiation research,

had a little mishap,
and now the other guys

are uncomfortable sitting next to him.

- You're in?
- Yeah, sure, why not?

Great, we rehearse
on Tuesdays at your place.

Why at my place?

Department of Energy said
our regular space is kind of a hot zone.

- Nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you, too.

I didn't know you played the cello.

Yeah, my parents felt
that naming me Leonard

and putting me
in Advanced Placement classes

wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

If you're into music,
I happen to be a human beatbox.

Really?

I'm actually not that into music.

Your friend's really cute.

Anything going on with you two?

Leslie?

No, no.

- What, are you kidding?
- He asked her out once.

It was an embarrassing failure.

- Thank you, Sheldon.
- I'm sorry.

Was that supposed to be a secret?

That's too bad.
You guys'd make a cute couple.

Oh, dear.

- What's the matter?
- She didn't take my order.

How can she take your order
when you're too neurotic to talk to her?

Nevertheless,
this will be reflected in her tip.

What did Penny mean,
"You'd make a cute couple?"

I assume she meant
the two of you together

would constitute a couple
that others might consider cute.

An alternate and somewhat
less likely interpretation

is that you could manufacture one.

As in, "Look, Leonard and Leslie
made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb.

Aren't they adorable?"

If Penny didn't know
that Leslie had turned me down,

then it would unambiguously mean

that she, Penny, thought
I should ask her, Leslie, out,

indicating that she had no interest
in me asking her, Penny, out.

But, because she did know
that I had asked Leslie out

and that she, Leslie,
had turned me down, then she, Penny,

could be offering consolation.

"That's too bad,
you would have made a cute couple,"

but while thinking: "Good,
Leonard remains available."

You're a lucky man, Leonard.

- How so?
- You're talking to one of the three men

in the Western hemisphere capable
of following that train of thought.

Well, what do you think?

I said I could follow it.
I didn't say I care.

I admire your fingering.

Thank you.

Maybe sometime you can try that
on my instrument.

- G'night, guys. Good job.
- Thanks.

See you next week.

- That was fun. Thanks for including me.
- You're welcome.

If you're up for it, we could practice
that middle section again.

Sure, why not?

Just so we're clear,
you understand

that me hanging back
to practice with you

is a pretext for letting you know
that I'm sexually available.

Really?

Yeah, I'm good to go.

I thought you weren't interested in me.

That was before I saw you handling

that beautiful piece
of wood between your legs.

You mean my cello?

No, I mean the obvious,
crude, double entendre.

I'm seducing you.

No kidding.

What can I say?
I'm a passionate and impulsive woman.

So how about it?

Is it the waitress?

What about her?

I thought I saw your pupils
dilate when you looked at her.

Which, unless you're a heroin addict,
points to sexual attraction.

I did have a poppy seed bagel
for breakfast.

Which could cause a positive
urine test for opiates,

but certainly not dilate my pupils.

So I guess there was no point
in bringing it up.

You and the waitress then.

No... no.

There's nothing going on
between Penny and me.

So you're open
to a sexual relationship?

Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.

- Good.
- Yeah, it is. It is good.

Did you want to start now?

Why don't we finish
the section first?

A little musical foreplay.
Terrific.

I'm good to go.

Me, too.

Hey, Sheldon.
What's going on?

I need your opinion
on a matter of semiotics.

I'm sorry?

Semiotics.
The study of signs and symbols.

It's a branch of philosophy
related to linguistics.

Okay, sweetie, I know you think
you're explaing yourself,

but you're really not.

Just come with me.

- Well?
- Well, what?

What does it mean?

Oh, come on,
you went to college.

Yes, but I was 11.

All right, look,
a tie on the doorknob usually means

someone doesn't want to be disturbed

because, they're...
you know, gettin' busy.

So you're saying Leonard
has a girl in there?

Well, either that
or he's lost his tie rack

and gotten really into Bryan Adams.

Oh, Leonard, you magnificent beast.

We really shouldn't be standing here.

This is very awkward.

Oh, come on, Leonard's had
girls over before, right?

Yes, but there's usually planning,
courtship, advance notice...

Last time, I was able to book a cruise
to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.

You had to leave the state
because your roommate was having sex?

I didn't have to.
The dates just happened to coincide.

So, do you know who's in there?

Well, there's Leonard.

And he's either with Leslie Winkle
or a 1930s gangster.

Good for him.

Good for Leonard.

Okay, g'night.

No, no, wait, hold on.

What's the matter?

I don't know what the protocol is here.

Do I stay? Do I leave?

Do I wait to greet them
with a refreshing beverage?

You're asking the wrong girl.

I'm usually
on the other side of the tie.

Hi, Leonard?

It's me, Sheldon...

In the living room.

I just... I wanted you
to know I saw the tie.

Message received.

You're welcome.

You carry on.

Give my best to Leslie.

Big Boy...

Someone touched my board.

Oh, God, my board!

Hey, what's the matter?

My equations, someone's tampered
with my equations.

- Are you sure?
- Of course I am.

Look at the beta function
of quantum chromodynamics.

The sign's been changed.

Oh, yeah.

But doesn't that fix the problem
you've been having?

Are you insane?
Are you out of your mind?

Are you-- Look!

That fixes the problem
I've been having.

You're welcome.

You did this?

I noticed it when I got up
to get a glass of water. So I fixed it.

Now you can show that quarks are
asymptotically free at high energies.

Pretty cool, huh?

"Cool"?

Listen, I've got to get to the lab.
Thanks for a great night.

Thank you.
I'll see you at work.

Hold on. Hold on!

- What?
- Who told you you could touch my board?

No one.

I don't come into your house
and touch your board.

There are no incorrect equations
on my board.

Oh, that is so...

so...

Sorry, I've got to run. If you come up
with an adjective, text me.

Inconsiderate.

That is the adjective,
"inconsiderate. "

You can stare at your board all day.
She's still going to be right.

I'm not staring, I'm hauling.

So...

how's it going?

Pretty good.

Just pretty good?
I'd think you were doing very good.

Pretty, very...
there's really no objective scale

for delineating variations of "good."
Why do you ask?

Well, a little bird told me

that you and Leslie
hooked up last night.

So, is it serious?
Do you like her?

I don't...

That's really two different questions.

I'm not...

Sheldon, we have to go!

You're wound awfully tight for a man
who's just had sexual intercourse.

All right, I'll talk to you later,
but I am so happy for you.

Thank you.

What did she mean
she's happy for me?

Is she happy that
I'm seeing someone?

Or is she happy because
she thinks that I am?

Because anyone who cared for someone
would want them to be happy.

Even if the reason for their happiness
made the first person unhappy.

Because the second person,
though happy,

is now romantically unavailable
to the first person.

Do you realize I may have to share
a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

You know what?

I'm being ridiculous.

Who cares what Penny thinks?

Leslie is a terrific girl.
She's attractive.

We like each other.
She's extremely intelligent...

- She's not that intelligent.
- She fixed your equation.

- She got lucky.
- You don't believe in luck.

I don't have to believe
in it for her to be lucky.

Regardless, I have a chance
at a real relationship with Leslie.

I'm not going to pass that up

for some hypothetical future
of happiness with a woman

who may or may not
want me to be happy,

with a woman who is
currently making me happy.

I still don't care.

Careful, Leonard. Liquid nitrogen,
320 degrees below zero.

Why are you smashing
a flash-frozen banana?

Because I got a bowl of Cheerios
and I couldn't find a knife.

So anyway...

Hello.

What are you doing?

Just extending the intimacy.

Do you want to slip over
to the radiation lab

and share a decontamination shower?

What exactly do you think's
going on between us?

I'm not sure, but I think I'm about
to discover how the banana felt.

Listen,
neither of us are neuroscientists,

but we both understand
the biochemistry of sex.

I mean, dopamine in our brains

is released across synapses,
causing pleasure.

You stick electrodes in a rat's brain,
give him an orgasm button,

he'll push that thing
until he starves to death.

Well, who wouldn't?

Well, the only difference
between us and the rat

is that you can't stick an
electrode in our hypothalamus.

That's where you come in.

Yeah, well, I'm just glad
to be a part of it.

So what happens now?

I don't know about your sex drive,
but I'm probably good till New Year's.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You want to make plans for New Year's?

Please.
You're smothering me.

Look. It's Dr. Stud!

Dr. What?

The blogosphere is a-buzzin'
with news of you and Leslie Winkle

making eine kleine
bang-bang musik.

How did it get on the Internet?

I put it there.

How did you know about it?

A little bird told us.

Apparently,
you are a magnificent beast.

That part's true.

I think I may have
misjudged this restaurant.

- No kidding.
- I don't want to go out on a limb,

but I think we may be looking
at my new Tuesday hamburger.

Your old Tuesday hamburger
will be so brokenhearted.

Way ahead of you. I was thinking
of moving Big Boy to Thursdays,

and just dropping Souplantation.

Really?

The name always confused me anyway.
Souplantation.

You can't grow soup.

So, how's everything?

Terrific. You'll be happy to know
that I plan to come here

every Tuesday night
for the foreseeable future.

Really?

Who do I speak to about
permanently reserving this table?

I don't know...
A psychiatrist?

So, hey,

how are things with you and Leslie?

To be honest, I don't think
it's going to work out.

Oh, that's too bad.

Hey, don't worry.

I'm sure there's someone out there
who's just right for you.

What did she mean by that?!

Was that just a generic platitude,

or was that a subtle bid
for attention?

You know why this hamburger
surpasses the Big Boy?

This is a single-decker hamburger,
whereas the Big Boy is a double-decker.

This has a much more satisfying
meat-to-bun-to-condiment ratio.

Are you even listening to me?

Of course, I'm listening.
Blah, blah, hopeless Penny delusion...

Okay, then.

You know, you can grow
the ingredients for soup.